Authors: Andy Weir
Minor problem with running away from people on the moon: Your footprints are very obvious. I beelined out of the collection zone and left a blatant trail any idiot could follow. No way around that. The whole area had long since been cleared of everything but dust.
Once I got into natural terrain I had optionsâthe highlands are riddled with everything from pebbles to boulders.
I stepped onto a rock and jumped to the next rock over. Then I jumped to the next one and so on. I continued my high-stakes game of The Floor Is Lava for the next twenty minutes. I never had to touch the dusty ground at all. Try following
that
trail, Bob.
The next bit was equal parts boring and stressful. I had several kilometers to cover, all the while looking over my shoulder. It wouldn't take the posse long to figure out I was headed home. Then they'd hop in their rover and catch up to me.
They'd drive along the shortest route home (I hoped), so I took a roundabout path. Nothing resembling a straight line. Artemis was only three kilometers away from the collection zone, but I walked five kilometers on my crazy circuitous route. The rocky landscape of the foothills provided lots of boulders and berms to block any direct line of sight to me.
It worked. I don't know what route the posse took, but they never got eyes on me.
I finally reached the base of the Moltke Foothills. The Sea of Tranquility stretched all the way to the horizon. Artemis shined in the extreme distance, probably a good two kilometers away. I suppressed the queasy feelings that came with realizing how isolated I was. No time for that shit right now.
I needed a new strategy. I couldn't hopscotch my way any farther. A vast field of gray powder separated me from home. Not only would I leave a trail, I'd be visible for kilometers around.
Time for a rest. For the moment, at least, I wasn't out in the open. I found a suitable boulder and sat in the shade. I turned off all my LEDs, even the ones in the helmet, and covered my arm readouts with tape.
Shadows on the moon are stark and black. No air means no light diffusion. But I wasn't in total darkness. Sunlight reflected off nearby rocks, dirt, hills, and so on, and some of that snuck around to hit me. Still, I was functionally invisible compared to the shine of the landscape.
I turned my head to the water nipple and slurped down a good half liter. EVAs are a sweaty business.
Good thing I'd taken a break. Five minutes into my rest I spotted the posse driving back to town. They were a fair distance away from meâon the straight-line course to the city.
The rover, designed for four passengers, had seven EVA masters piled on it. It looked like a clown car speeding across the flatlands. Judging by the rooster tail of dust it kicked up, they were moving as fast as they could. At that speed on the bumpy terrain they'd have no chance of spotting me. What the hell were they thinking?
“Aww, fuck,” I said.
They didn't need to find me. They just needed to beat me back to town. Then they could guard every airlock. Eventually I'd run out of air and have to surrender.
“Shit! Damn! Crap! Ass! Son of a bitch!” It's important to vary your profanities. If you use the same one too often it loses strength. I fumed in my suit for a minute more, then calmed down and got to scheming.
Okay, this sucked but it came with advantages. They would beat me to town. Fine. But that meant they wouldn't be patrolling for me in Tranquility. I'd been stressing out about how to sneak across the flatlands but now that wasn't a problem.
I stood up, turned my LEDs back on, and pulled the tape off my arm readouts.
There'd be an EVA master on the lookout at every airlock. And they wouldn't just be hanging around inside. They'd be outside, where they could see me coming and sound the alarm.
I had a plan, but first I had to get next to the city itself. That was step one.
Conrad's airlock faced north, the Tranquility Bay Company's freight airlock in Bean faced northwest, the Port of Entry in Aldrin faced east, and the ISRO's airlock in Armstrong faced southeast. So the biggest “blind spot” in their coverage would be the southwest.
I bounced along the gray nothingness for an hour, taking a wide, circular course so as to approach from the right direction. I kept my eyes out for trouble as the domes of home grew on the horizon. The last hundred meters were pure stress. Once I entered the shadow of Shepard Bubble I felt a lot safer. I'd be hard to spot in the darkness.
Finally, I leaned against Shepard's hull and breathed a sigh of relief.
Okay. I'd made it to town. Now the trick was getting in.
I couldn't walk the perimeter of town to get where I needed to be. I'd be spotted for sure. Time to make like Hibby and use those maintenance handholds.
The handles had been designed with EVA suits in mindâthe perfect width for grabbing with giant gloves. It only took me ten minutes to climb the arc of the sphere. I hunkered down once I got to the peak. Not because I was worried about EVA mastersâthey'd all be too close to other bubbles to get eyes on me. No, my problem was basic geography. Shepard and Aldrin are separated only by Armstrong, and Armstrong is only half their height. So right that moment, anyone in Aldrin Park would be able to see me.
It was still pretty early in the morning, so hopefully there wouldn't be too many park visitors. Plus, anyone who did see me would probably assume I was a maintenance worker doing her job. Stillâ¦I was perpetrating a caper and preferred not to be noticed.
I climbed down the other side of Shepard and onto the connector tunnel between it and Armstrong. It wasn't exactly gymnastics. The tunnel is three meters wide.
Once I made it to Armstrong Bubble, I climbed over it too. Thanks to Armstrong's smaller size, it went considerably faster than my Shepard climb. Then I catwalked across the ArmstrongâAldrin Connector.
Aldrin was more of a challenge. I climbed up part of the way, but couldn't go to the peak. Well, I
could
, but I shouldn't. It's one thing to wander around on a bubble hull, but if I climbed on the glass of Aldrin Park right in front of people's faces, it would raise a few eyebrows. “Mommy, why is Spider-Man on the moon?”âno thanks.
Instead, I stopped climbing halfway upâjust below the glass panelsâand moved sideways, shimmying from handle to handle and working my way around the bubble. Soon, the Port of Entry came into view. Closest to me was the rail antechamber where train cars docked with the port. No train there at the moment, though. Next to that was the huge circular door to the freight airlock.
Bob Lewis stepped out of the train alcove.
“Oh shit!” I said. I'd been so careful coming around the arc of Aldrin! I'd moved slowly to make sure I'd see any EVA master before he could see me. But I didn't know Bob was
inside
the damn alcove. That's
cheating
, Bob!
He was doing rounds. Once a marine always a marine. He hadn't looked up yet but he would soon. I had a second, maybe two, to react.
I let go of the handles and slid down the dome. I tried to aim my feet at the groundâmaybe if I landed just right I could control the impact. But no. No. I'm not graceful. I got the worst of both worlds: I hit the ground hard and completely off-balance.
I landed like a sack of shit. But I landed on the other side of the alcove and didn't break anything. Good thing sound doesn't travel in a vacuum, because Bob surely would have heard that landing. Whatever. A clumsy, awkward success is still a success.
I hugged the wall of Aldrin and crept away from the port until I couldn't see Bob anymore. I wasn't sure where his “patrol route” would take him, but I knew he wouldn't stray far from the port's airlock. I continued until I was well clear of the port and sat down with my back against the bubble.
Then I waited. I couldn't see the train alcove from my new position, but I could see the tracks leading away from town.
The train appeared on the horizon half an hour later. Owing to the small size of the moon, our horizon is only two and a half kilometers away, so I didn't have long before it arrived at the station.
I waited for the train to pull into the alcove and dock with the port. Then I crept along my side of the alcove.
This was the first train of the day. Most of the passengers would be employees of the Visitor Center itself. They loaded up quickly and the train was ready for its return trip.
It emerged from the alcove. It takes a while to get something that size up to speed, so it wasn't going very fast yet.
I leapt forward and grabbed the front wheel housing. It wasn't the best grip, but I held on with all my might. The train dragged me along, my legs bouncing off the terrain. Okay, maybe this wasn't the best plan I'd ever concocted, but it kept a train between me and Bob, which was all I wanted.
The train accelerated, faster and faster. I hung on for dear life. At this speed, any sharp rock could puncture my suit. I couldn't let myself dangle for the whole trip. I had to put my legs somewhere.
I reached up and grabbed the edge of a windowâI had to hope no one was sitting there. I pulled myself up and put my feet on the wheel housing. I wanted to peek through the window to see if I'd been spotted, but I resisted the urge. People might not notice a few fingers outside a window, but they'd probably notice a big EVA suit helmet.
I tried not to move. It'd be pretty spooky for people in the train if they heard noise coming from the wall from outside. Attack of the Moon Woman Who Made Bad Life Decisions.
We puttered along the lazy path toward the Visitor Center. By now you've probably figured out my plan. The posse was guarding all the
Artemis
airlocks, but had they thought to guard the one at the Visitor Center?
Even if they had, they couldn't beat me there. This was the first train.
The trip took forty minutes, as usual. I managed to sit sort of comfortably on the wheel housing. It wasn't too bad.
I spent the trip brooding about my predicament. Even if I could make it back inside without getting caught, I was screwed. Trond had hired me to destroy four harvesters. I only trashed three. Sanchez's engineers would undo my sabotage to the survivor and get it back to work. Their production would be reduced, but they'd still make their oxygen quota.
Trond wouldn't pay me for this debacle, and I wouldn't blame him. Not only had I failed, I'd made things harder on him. Now Sanchez Aluminum knew someone was gunning for them.
“Damn⦔ I said as my stomach knotted up.
The train slowed as it approached the Visitor Center. I hopped off and stumbled to a stop while the train continued on to its alcove.
I bounded over to the Visitor Center and worked my way along the arc of its dome. The
Eagle
came into view as I rounded the hull. It almost seemed to disapprove.
Tsk, tsk.
My
crew would never pull shit like this.
Then I saw a glorious sight: The EVA airlock was completely unguarded!
Hell yeah!
I rushed to the airlock and opened the outer door, hopped in, and closed the hatch behind me. I cranked the repress valve and heard the hiss of glorious air come at me from all directions.
Even though I was in a hurry, I waited through the air cleanse. Hey, I may be a smuggler, saboteur, and all-around asshole, but I'd never leave my EVA suit dirty.
The cleanse finished and I was clean as a whistle.
Back in town! I'd have to find somewhere in the Visitor Center to hide my EVA gear, but that wouldn't be a problem. I'd stow it in as many tourist lockers as it took, then come back later with a big container. I'm a porterâI'd just say I was there for a pickup. It wouldn't even look weird.
I opened the inner airlock door and stepped into salvation.
Except it wasn't salvation. It was shit. I stepped into shit. The smile on my face quickly changed to a “freshly caught carp” expression.
Dale stood in the antechamber, his arms folded and a half smirk on his face.
Dear Jazz,
Are you all right? I've been worried. I haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks.
Dear Kelvin,
Sorry, I had to shut off my Gizmo service for a while to save money. I've got it back on now. It's been tough. But I'm starting to get above water.
I made a new friend. Every now and then I scrape together enough money to get a beer at this hole-in-the-wall in Conrad. I know it's stupid to spend money on booze when you're homeless, but booze makes homelessness bearable.
Anyway, there's a regular there named Dale. He's an EVA master, mostly working out of the Apollo 11 Visitor Center. He does tourist EVAs, stuff like that.
We got to talking and, I don't know why, but I ended up telling him my problems. He was shocked at my fucked-up situation and offered to lend me some money. I assumed it was a play to get in my pants so I turned him down. I don't have a problem with prostitutes, but I don't want to be one.
But he swore up and down that he just wanted to help me out as a friend. Accepting that money was the hardest thing I've ever done, Kelvin. But I was out of options.
Anyway, I had just enough to pay deposit and first month on a capsule domicile. It's so small I have to step outside to change my mind (rim shot!) but at least it's a home. And true to his word, Dale never expected anything in return. Perfect gentleman.
And believe it or not I'm even dating a guy. His name is Tyler. It's early days, but he's really sweet. He's kind of shy, polite to everyone, and sort of a Boy Scout when it comes to rules. So the opposite of me in every way. But we really click. We'll see how it goes.
You know what? I've been selfish lately. I've been so focused on me I didn't even ask about you. How are you handling things?
Dear Jazz,
Good for you! I was worried your experience with Sean would put you off men forever. See? We're not all bad.
I have my job at KSC, for which I'm very grateful. I even got a promotion. I'm a loadmaster-in-training now. In a couple months, I'll be a full loadmaster and I'll get a raise.
Halima is six months pregnant now, and we're all preparing for the baby. We've worked out a rotation so that my other sisters can take care of the baby while Halima stays in school. Mom, Dad, and I will keep working. Dad was almost ready to retire, but now he'll have to work another five years at least. What choice do we have? There's just not enough money otherwise.
Dear Kelvin,
You're a loadmaster-in-training? Does that mean you sometimes set up cargo pods unsupervised? Because there are a lot of people in Artemis who smoke.
Dear Jazz,
I'm listeningâ¦