Art & Soul (20 page)

“Why not?! They are everything that every guy wants. They are what you want.”

I felt him tense up and his foot stopped tapping. He removed my head from his shoulder. “Stop telling me what I want, okay?”

“It’s true, though, isn’t it? You want that?”

He rolled his eyes and pushed himself away from me. “Fine.” He started walking toward the dance floor, and I saw a few of the popular girls smiling his way. He smiled back. I felt sick. He was choosing them. It made sense. I was on the outside of their world and Levi belonged with them.

But then he kept walking past everyone. He walked out of the gym. I wanted to follow him, but I felt too stupid to do so. So I sat. I frowned like a dork, my hands resting against my stomach.

About five minutes passed before Levi reentered the room, looking very different than when he’d left. My cheeks heated up as the room erupted with laughter. He was wearing a fake pregnancy stomach and his eyes were locked with mine as he crossed over to me.

“What the heck are you doing?” I laughed, staring at how ridiculous he looked.

“Dance with me,” he said, holding his hand out to me.

“No way.”

“Dance with me,” he repeated, stepping closer.

“Levi!”

“Dance. With. Me,” he begged, his eyes pleading with me to say yes.

He took my hands in his, and I stood up. The music was up-tempo and everyone was staring at Levi. “Just look at me,” he ordered, so I didn’t look away. He started dancing like an ape, all over the place, no sense of rhythm, and no care that others were staring at him.

I couldn’t stop laughing, and I started dancing with him. With no care, no fear, and no regrets. I kept looking at him and as he moved, his fake stomach danced, too. “Some people were just born to stand out, Aria. Just deal with it and keep dancing.”

I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to, but I was falling in love with him. Each second was filled with more love. I wasn’t sure if seventeen-year-old pregnant girls were allowed to fall in love with oxymoronic boys who made their hearts skip. My head kept telling me that it was wrong, that I shouldn’t be considering such an insane idea.

My head knew this was wrong. My head knew every reason why I should’ve never allowed myself to fall for Levi Myers. My head told me there were limits to love, boundaries.
“You’re having a baby,”
my brain told me daily
. “You’re not allowed to date,”
it ordered. “
He’ll find someone better
,” my brain scolded me.

But my heart…my heart believed in a quiet, simple kind of love. A kind of love that was created before time existed, a kind of love that was bigger than any limitations the world placed upon us. It was a type of love that had no age limits, no boundaries, and was seen only within the souls of two people. My heart didn’t give me much of a choice.

“Love openly,”
my heart whispered.
“Love unconditionally,”
my heart begged.
“Love the struggles,”
my heart taught.
“Love in the moment.”

It was something ugly and beautiful all at once, wasn’t it? How your heart didn’t give a damn what your head wanted.

W
e walked
outside and it was snowing, large flakes of white covering the town. My feet were sore, but they weren’t too bad because Levi had forced me to sit down every few songs. He held the car door open for me and closed it. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him how I was falling for him, how hard it was for me to concentrate on anything when he said my name, or played the violin, or smiled.

When he climbed into the car we sat there for a while, watching each snowflake fall.

“I had a very good time tonight,” I told him.

“Me too.”

Silence.

“Art?”

“Yes, Levi?”

“What would happen if I kissed you?”

“If you kissed me?” My stare fell to his lips. I exhaled slowly. “Well, everything would change.” Things were already changing.

“Is that a bad thing?”

My voice shook, and I could feel the palms of my hands growing sweaty. I didn’t want to make eye contact, so I studied his floor mat. “I’ve only kissed one boy before. I’m not that experienced. I’m not a whore. I know everyone at school thinks I am, but I’ve only been with one person. I just wanted you to know that. I’m not a whore.”

“I never thought that.”

“Maybe you once did. Maybe the thought swam through your mind when we were in class, or when I missed school because of heartburn or when my stomach started to show. It’s understandable. I wouldn’t even be mad at you for thinking it. I’ve thought it too, actually.”

“I
never
thought that,” he said with confidence. He turned toward me and placed his hand behind my neck. He leaned in close. He slowed his breaths. Our lips were millimeters apart. I couldn’t stop staring at his mouth, and I think he was staring at mine, too. He ran his hand against my cheek and looked into my eyes. “Whoever made you doubt how amazing you are, whoever broke your heart…I’m going to hate them for a long time.”

“It’s okay.”

“How is that okay?”

“Because I found someone who’s kind of putting it back together again.”

His lips inched closer to mine, and when they touched, I felt his hand wrap around my lower back. A feeling of warmth and protection ran through me as he pressed his lips against mine. I tilted my head to the left, deepening the kiss as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Then, as our lips were locked, I started to giggle against his mouth, feeling his fake pregnancy stomach bumping against my real pregnancy stomach. As I started to laugh, he did too, breaking into a chuckle. We didn’t move away from each other, though; our lips stayed together, connected.

When my eyes opened, he was staring at me with those same kind eyes that he always had. I slowly pulled my mouth away from his, but somehow it felt as if we were still kissing. I secretly hoped that feeling would never fade away.

“Art, you’re something special,” he said, his fingertips softly massaging my lower back. “And I’m so dang happy that I met you.” The Southern twang that hung off of the word ‘dang’ was so handsome.

It was the oddest first kiss I could think of, which made it the best.

As he put the car in drive, his cell phone rang, and I saw the name Lance flash across the screen. Levi was quick to answer. What started with a smile and a ‘Hey, what’s up?’ quickly changed to Levi’s face falling into a frown and his jaw tightening. “I’ll be right there.”

He hung up the phone and turned the key in the ignition. “I-I have to drop you off real quick.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, touching his forearm.

“My dad’s in the hospital. I’m sorry, I, um…” He started stuttering, running his hands through his hair. “I-I do-don’t know where Mercy Hospital is? Lance said the ambulance took him there? If you could tell me or something after I drop you, that wou-would be great.”

His body was shaking, which made my body react in the same fashion. I shook my head back and forth. “It’s only a few minutes from here. I’ll go with you. Just take a right out of the parking lot.”

He nodded and whispered a thank you. I nodded back and said a prayer.

W
e arrived at the hospital
, and Levi almost forgot to unbuckle his seatbelt as he rushed inside. I was right behind him. He was hectic, rushing to the receptionist, his fake pregnant belly still intact.

“I’m looking for my dad,” he said, his nerves flying from his mouth. “He was brought in a while ago.”

I stepped behind him and unhooked the fake belly, allowing it to fall to the ground. Just like that, reality was back. The real world came crashing down.

“I’m sorry, I’m just going to need to know a few details.” The receptionist calmly tried to explain. My hand landed on Levi’s shoulder for comfort, and I refused to move it.

“His name is Kent Myers. He’s, um, he has cancer, and I just—look, I just need to know if he’s okay.”

“All right, one second…”

She was taking longer than Levi wanted her to. His whole soul wavered and shook before me. “Could you hurry?” he snapped, something he hardly ever did.

“Levi.” We heard behind us, and we turned to see his uncle Lance standing a bit down the hallway. With haste, we jogged in his direction. “He’s okay, he’s resting.”

“What happened? Where is he? I want to see him.” Levi had tears at the back of his eyes, and he blinked them away.

“He called me complaining about chest pains and said he was having trouble breathing. Daisy and I rushed over to check. It only got worse, so we called an ambulance to pick him up. They helped his breathing and now he’s resting.”

Levi started to tremble, and Lance was quick to wrap his arms around him.

“I thought…” Levi mumbled. “I thought he…”

“I know, buddy. I know.”

“
Y
ou should call
your mom and let her know where you are,” Lance said, walking toward me in the waiting room. Levi was sitting in his dad’s room, and I’d been waiting. “Maybe she can come pick you up. It looks like we might be here for a while.”

“She’s working,” I said, tapping my foot, knowing I would have to call my dad to come get me. “I’ll be fine, Lance.”

He gave me a worrisome stare, but I told him to go check on his brother.

Fifteen minutes after I texted Dad, he came rushing into the hospital. “Aria!” he exclaimed, rushing over to me. I knew he was going to scream at me for being with Levi. I knew he was going to yell and scold me for being out with a boy, especially Kent Myers’ boy.

Standing from my chair, I started talking before he could. “I’m sorry, okay? I know you didn’t want me to be out with Levi, but I like him, Dad. He’s the only one at school who doesn’t look at me like I’m a slut and his dad is sick, and we had to come here and—”

I couldn’t finish because Dad wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. “Jesus Christ, Aria! I thought something happened to you or the baby! You can’t just text people that you’re in the hospital! Are you okay?!” He pulled back, studying my face, making sure everything was in the right spot before he pulled me back into a hug.

Confusion filled me inside but then I realized I wasn’t dreaming, that Dad actually was holding me so tight. I yanked on his jacket, pulling him closer to me. “I’m so sorry, Dad. For everything.”

He kissed my forehead and held me closer to him. “None of that matters, okay? It’s all right, Aria. It’s all right.”

“
I
’m sorry
,” Dad said, pulling into our driveway. “I’ve been terrible throughout this whole thing, and I just want you to know that it’s not your fault. I’ve been having a hard time, and I’ve taken that out on you. That’s not fair. And I’m so sorry.”

I forgave him. Of course I forgave him. He kissed my forehead before I stepped out of his car, then he headed back to Molly’s house. A part of me wanted to pretend that he would’ve come back home that night and everything would’ve gone back to normal, but it didn’t. He drove away again.

Later that night, Levi was standing outside of my bedroom window. I opened the window and told him to come inside, but he didn’t.

“He didn’t just stop chemotherapy,” he said. “I thought he just didn’t want to do it anymore, but the doctor told him it wasn’t working. He stopped because they told him it wasn’t working. The cancer’s spreading too much.”

“Levi…”

“He’s dying,” he whispered. “The doctors said the only thing they can do is help make him comfortable. Can you believe that?” He snickered, gripping his teeth against his lip. “There’s nothing comfortable about cancer. You can’t make cancer comfortable. What a nonsensical thing to say.”

“Come inside,” I said.

He shook his head. “No, I should get back home. I just wanted to say sorry for the way the night ended.”

“Come inside,” I repeated.

“I’m fine.”

“Levi. Please.”

He took a breath and stepped inside. We sat on my bed in the darkness, our pinkies locked together.

I wasn’t sure what I could say to him to make him feel better. I didn’t even think I was supposed to try to make it right for him.

Maybe it wasn’t about fixing the broken hearts.

Maybe it was about loving the broken pieces the way they were.

Maybe when someone you loved was hurting, all they needed was someone to hold their pinkie as a reminder that they weren’t alone.

“I’m afraid of giving him up,” I said. “I have these thoughts of calling up Keira and telling her that I changed my mind and want to keep him. I’ve played scenarios in my head of how I could do this, how I could raise a baby on my own, and then I think of how terrible it makes me to want to do that. I start thinking too far into the future, and I realize how shitty of a thing that would be to do. Then I cry because I think too much and want too much and worry too much about the future.

“The truth is the future doesn’t matter, and you shouldn’t worry about your father dying because there’s no such thing as dying. There’s alive and there’s dead. There’s only the here and now, and if we sit worrying about what happens next, we miss out on the best thing: being here with one another.”

“I’m falling in love with you,” he softly admitted, almost apologetic. He rubbed his shoulder. “Sometimes you cross my mind and I just want to keep thinking about you for the rest of the day. Because daydreaming about you is easier than thinking about cancer. I want to sit out in the woods, and think about you. I want to crawl out of bed, and think about you. I want to play music, and think about you. Because when I think about you the world seems better.

“
T
hen I remember
that my thoughts can’t be about you because you’re not mine. You’re nothing but a dream. And I’m not the guy who gets to dream. I only get the nightmares.”

H
e placed
his hands against my chest, feeling my heartbeats. “Don’t do this to me, Art. Don’t let me keep falling for you. Don’t let me love you. Because everything I’d ever loved has a way of falling apart, and the idea of losing you is too much right now. Don’t let me keep dreaming. Make me wake up.”

H
is words were pained
, raw, uncensored. I saw the fear and hurt that lived inside him.
I felt it too.

I
t didn’t seem fair
, the way life worked. While I was months from bringing a new life into the world, Levi was preparing to say goodbye to one.

I
wished
the current issues were mine instead of Levi’s. Nobody deserved to hurt as much as he did. He had been nothing but kind from day one, and the fact that his heart was breaking made my heart break too.

“
C
an
we kiss again for a while?” I asked, wanting him to know that I was more than a dream.

He nodded. “I’d like that.”

Our second kiss was nothing like the first. As his mouth found mine, I cried. I could feel how sad he was when he kissed me and that made me sad. I felt his tears mixing together with mine as our lips pressed hard against each other. We were trying our best to live in the here and now, in the darkness together. We were so broken. We were so worn out from the lives we lived, but tonight we kissed with the broken pieces. We kissed with the fear. We kissed with the anger. We kissed with everything we had inside of us. And then we kissed some more. We grew tired together, creating our own kind of art. We became the masterpieces of the loneliest souls. The colors in both of our eyes bled out, knowing that sometimes the most beautiful pieces of art were created from the darkest of souls.