Art Ache (27 page)

Chapter 33

Two months later. The bathroom.

“Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.” William Shakespeare.

I’m sitting in a warm, bubbly bath, staring at the water as it rushes out of the tap, pummelling the poor plastic lobster bath toy that’s caught up in the waterfall. There’s always bath toys in our bath. I’m rather fond of them. Even when bathing alone I find them comforting. I enjoy their company. The lobster goes under, comes up again and goes under again. I’m mesmerised by this lobster, caught in a trance as I watch the water pour out of the tap. The lobster comes up for air, gets pummelled, comes up for air again and then gets pummelled again. I know how it feels. Since Tom’s announcement all those months ago, I’ve been that lobster.

Patrick comes into the bathroom with a cold glass of orange juice and a warm smile. I turn the water off. The lobster needs a break.

PATRICK

Here you go.

He hands me the orange juice and pulls up a low stool. He sits and studies me while I sip the sweet, fresh juice.

PATRICK

I love you.

ME

Thanks.

PATRICK

I really wish you wouldn’t say that.

ME

Sorry.

He looks at me very seriously. I notice his eyes. Hazel and clear. I notice his face. Handsome, open and kind. I notice he’s starting to get those wrinkles that men get as they age. The ones in front of their ears. Women don’t seem to get them. I love them. They let you know that the person who owns the face has lived. There are tell-tale signs of age and damage, but also wisdom.

His voice is warm and resonant.

PATRICK

I know it hasn’t been easy, but I’m trying.

I know he is and I love that he is.

PATRICK

I haven’t done any of these growth things before, but I feel better without the grog and I’ve been thinking about all sorts of things.

He searches for his words and seems to be choosing them very carefully.

PATRICK

I love being a father. I love it. To Jack and the little one when he comes along. And I think I’m doing okay at it.

ME

You’re great at it.

PATRICK

I love you, Pers, and I want to stay on the path. I know I’m not perfect/

ME

/neither am I.

PATRICK

/but . . . will you marry me?

ME

Marry?

PATRICK

Yes.

I want to say yes. I do. In theory. It would be nice. It would be romantic and easy and perfect. But I still haven’t fully healed. I know that. My heart is still a bit raw and sore.

Now I choose my words very carefully.

ME

I think we’re on the right path, Patrick, and I’m glad we’re on that path together. I really am. But I know a marriage takes so much . . .

PATRICK

Love, Pers. It takes love. And I love you like nothing else.

ME

It takes more than love, Patrick.

And in my mind I high-five myself and shout, “Ain’t that the truth sista!”

ME

I don’t want to rush into it.

To my surprise, Patrick doesn’t look disappointed. He looks focused and intent on taking it all in.

ME

In theory, I’d love to marry you, but I know it takes a lot more than theory to make it work.

PATRICK

Fair enough. But will you think about it?

ME

Absolutely.

PATRICK

Good. Because I’m not going anywhere.

ME

Neither am I.

PATRICK

Good.

He reaches into his pocket.

PATRICK

Will you wear this while you think about it?

He opens a small, green box and sitting in the middle of the emerald green velvet is a jaw dropping solitaire diamond engagement ring. It takes my breath away. No one has ever given me anything so beautiful. He holds it with such care as he hands it to me. I put down my drink, reach around my ever-expanding belly for a bath towel to dry my hands and then I take the box. The ring is precious and rare and so perfect.

ME

Patrick. It’s . . . so . . . beautiful.

My voice breaks as I say it.

PATRICK

So are you.

I have never felt such tenderness for a man.

PATRICK

I’m sorry it hasn’t been perfect.

I can’t stop looking at the ring.

PATRICK

Put it on.

The diamond is so clear. So pure.

I’m a mother of one beautiful child with another about to enter the world, I have a man who loves me and whom I love. I have a new agent. I have my health back on track and I’m wearing a beautiful solitaire diamond ring. But something’s missing. I need to think and breathe and feel and let go and move on.

ME

Would you move away with me?

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. But I realise I’ve nailed it. I need to breathe fresh air. I need trees and space and quiet and time.

PATRICK

Sure. Where to?

ME

The country.

PATRICK

What? Like a tree change or something?

ME

Yeah. We need to be somewhere we can create our own memories.

PATRICK

Sure.

JACK

Can I come too?

Jack enters the room, carrying a little parcel.

ME

Of course, darling. We’re a family.

When I say it, it seems the most natural thing in the world.

JACK

And Wriggle.

ME

Who’s Wriggle?

PATRICK

The baby in your belly.

JACK

I named him.

ME

Much better than Mr. Poo Poo Head.

He is so puffed up with big boy pride and excitement my heart nearly breaks. He presents the little parcel he’s been carrying as though he’s one of the wise men delivering a gift to the baby Jesus.

JACK

I’ve got a present for Wriggle.

He passes it to me.

JACK

It’s a Pooh Bear. I wrapped it up.

ME

That’s gorgeous, sweetie.

JACK

I got it with Patrick.

They high-five each other.

PATRICK

I think Wriggle’s going to love it.

ME

I’m sure he will. Even if he’s a girl!

PATRICK/JACK

He’s a boy!

JACK

Where are we going to?

ME

Patrick and I are talking about all of us moving to the country.

JACK

Which country?

PATRICK

Still Australia, mate, but a different part of Australia.

JACK

Can my daddy come too?

ME

No. It’s not that far away, so he can still visit, but he won’t be coming to live with us.

JACK

Can I still stay over at his house?

ME

Of course. Just like you do now.

JACK

Cool.

Jack’s eyes light up like a Christmas tree.

JACK

I forgot the card! I’ll make one.

He races out the door and back to his craft table.

ME

Let’s do it. Let’s move.

PATRICK

Sure. I can commute and maybe work from home a few days a week. Heaps of people are doing it.

ME

Sounds good.

PATRICK

I want to give us a real chance.

ME

Me too.

PATRICK

Will you marry me if we do?

ME

No.

PATRICK

Jesus, Pers.

ME

I won’t marry you just because we move. Or just because it would be romantic and fun and I’d get to wear a great dress. Or just because you’ve bought me the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen.

I raise my hand and watch the diamond glint in the sun.

ME

I’ll marry you when we’re ready to get married.

PATRICK

When will that be?

ME

I’ll let you know.

Chapter 34

A couple of days later. The lounge room.

“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” Jean de La Fontaine.

We’re standing in the lounge room of what used to be our family home when I tell Tom.

ME

I’m salvaging my family, Tom. Myself. My life. I’m putting myself back together.

TOM

And you’re taking Jack with you?

ME

Of course I am. I’m his mother.

TOM

Can you do that?

ME

Yes. It’s a fifty-minute drive. That’s within the rules.

TOM

That’s gonna cost a shitload in petrol.

ME

We’ll work it out. We’ll drop Jack to you some weekends.

TOM

You’re really doing this?

He’s choked up and I can see my silky oak replica door with stained glass kookaburra inlay slightly open behind him. The silky oak replica that he casually closed on our life together. It crosses my mind that it didn’t quite work out the way either of us thought it would. The unspoken question will probably always hang in the air between us—what went wrong? And that’s okay.

I’m no longer the girl who sees life written down as dialogue from a play—character name aligned with left margin, dialogue indented, stage directions when necessary, all neatly printed in Courier 12 point, judging how effectively the scene has been played. But if I were, I’d have to say that both characters in that lounge room scene were fully grounded in their emotional truth. They’re keeping it real and speaking from the heart.

But I’m not that girl. Well, maybe still a bit, but generally speaking, I’ve moved on. And maybe Tom has too. I don’t feel bitter or angry or disappointed when I tell him, just excited and a little bit sad. Excited for the future. Sad for Tom.

ME

Yes, I’m really doing this. I need to.

TOM

Why?

ME

Because I believe it’s the best thing.

TOM

For who?

ME

For all of us. You’re the most important man in Jack’s life. That will never change.

TOM

What about Patrick?

ME

Jack likes Patrick, but you’re his father.

I feel myself drop even deeper into my truth.

ME

I don’t need to have a relationship with you, Tom. You’re nothing to me except an ex. You’re someone I happened to marry once upon a time and it didn’t work out.

TOM

Thanks. But I gave you Jack.

ME

And I’ll be forever grateful for that. Thank you.

TOM

I did love you once.

ME

I know. And I loved you. But it would never have worked.

TOM

I know.

Pause.

We stand awkwardly, but comfortably. It’s not the first time we’ve shared a silence.

TOM

I’ve got something to tell you.

Pause.

ME

Go on.

TOM

I’ve fallen in love.

I can see it on his face. In his eyes. He looks soft, gentle, full of hope. Vulnerable, even.

ME

With Cynthia? That’s sweet. She’s a gorgeous woman.

TOM

No. I was never dating Cynthia.

ME

But you said . . .

There is a pause here and it’s a very full pause. He has something important to tell me, I can feel it.

TOM

With a man, actually.

ME

A man?

TOM

Yes. I wasn’t expecting it, but . . .

Wow. My sister was right. So was Patrick.

ME

That’s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I take his hand.

ME

I’m genuinely happy for you.

He lets out a gentle laugh.

TOM

So I did you a favour, really.

ME

I think we did each other a favour. Patrick will never replace you, Tom. You’re Jack’s dad.

TOM

Yeah.

I put my arm around him.

ME

You’re just full of surprises.

TOM

So are you. How does Jack feel about the move?

ME

He’s very excited.

TOM

He’ll love it. What kid wouldn’t?

Pause.

TOM

What about the house?

ME

We’ll rent it out.

TOM

And rent something in the country?

ME

Yeah. If the tree change works out, we’ll sell here and buy there.

I feel happy for him, but also sad. He’s finally found himself, but in the process he’s standing by, watching his former family move on.