Around the World in 80 Girls: The Epic 3 Year Trip of a Backpacking Casanova (51 page)

Brazil
is always portrayed as a country full of beautiful light-skinned girls with huge bundas walking around in G-strings all day. Could this be true? Well, lots of beautiful girls with big bundas were definitely true and Brazilian girls know how to dress and impress with their feminine and sexy appearance. Florianopolis would be the perfect place to start.

I
had been told that the rich Brazilian elite visits Floripa during the summer and literally bring ships with extremely hot girls into the harbor. By the looks of the girls I had seen in the street Floripa was a place I could live forever. Girls here are light-skinned because most of them have European, mostly German roots. Many Germans immigrated here in the last hundred years and I had basically planned much of my trip to coincide with the dates for the Octoberfest, the largest one outside Germany. I was told by at least five separate Brazilian guys and even some girls that the Octoberfest was a debauchery of beer drinking and hot girls.

I
had started to learn some Portuguese and was naïve enough to think I would learn it pretty quick because I already knew a lot of Spanish, which is kind of similar to Portuguese. In my mind I had big plans to study very hard this time, but as usual I lacked the motivation to cram in a few hours of language learning every day.

I
had met quite a few guys who had really picked up the local language and spoke it pretty well. One thing I noticed, though, is that most of them sucked with girls. Most guys like that are more interested in local culture and interaction with all kinds of people than in picking up girls. It takes a certain kind of person to give up the fun stuff and learn a language while travelling. Finding a balance between going out all the time and learning a foreign language is very difficult at times.

Floripa
marked the beginning of lots of cell-phone trouble which would drive me mad at times. Once again I would become my own cock-block by being too cheap with my budget. I bought a local SIM card in a store and tried to activate it, but nothing seemed to work. I went to the store and no one spoke English. A friendly guy in the hostel went to the main phone store with me to help me out. We found out I needed a CPF number to activate my card. A CPF number is Brazilian social security number and it takes weeks to get one the official way. I was flabbergasted by this communist-like system which kept me from texting local girls I met online. I had bought SIM cards in almost thirty countries up to that point. Usually you buy the SIM card on the street or in a store. Sometimes registration with a passport is necessary or even a local person has to come with you to the store (Cambodia) but the SIM card ALWAYS works as soon as you put it in your phone. Obviously not in Brazil.

At
one point I emailed Charlize, who lived in São Paulo and whom I was going to visit in a week. She immediately sent me her CPF number and after some struggling my phone finally worked. I had now already lost two valuable days but still I was happy as a clown with a useable phone number.

On
Friday night I went to a bar recommended by a cool guy working at the hostel. It’s called Scuna and it was a MILF fest in there. When I walked in a lot of heads turned, which was the first time that happened to me in all of South America but was quite normal in South East Asia. I got a beer at the bar and looked around a bit. It was still too early for dancing but things got started ten minutes later.

A
tall beautiful black girl with an ass to kill for gave me some eye contact and I opened her with the question “Fala inglais?” which means “Do you speak English?” Well she didn’t speak any English or Spanish. Or Dutch. It was very difficult to communicate because she only understood Spanish words that were similar to Portuguese and my Spanish skills were good enough for uber-simple conversation but still sucked balls.

I
could see she was interested anyway and we went out to the smoking section. As we walked out she grabbed my hand and held it as we went through the crowd.

W
e were sitting shoulder to shoulder and things got a bit flirty. I looked at her shoes and pointed out she was cheating with her high heels. I took her hand; we stood up and measured each other standing face to face. A trick I like to use a lot. Then I tried to talk again but got nowhere with the language. As an all-or-nothing try I started talking fast in English saying how I wanted to talk her ears off but couldn’t. I kept my head tilted a bit and kept looking in her eyes. She looked at me and said she didn’t understand me and gave me the “I don’t understand you” look. Our faces were six inches apart. I just looked her straight in the eyes, smiled and calmly said “Voce e linda” (you are beautiful). The look on her face changed and she grabbed me and started kissing me. I immediately grabbed her ass with my left hand and started squeezing it while massaging the back of her neck with the other hand. Her ass was big, round and super firm. I kissed her more and grabbed her ass with both hands. Seeing all those big Brazilian butts all day in the center streets had made me want to touch one ever since I set foot in Floripa, so I didn't waste my chances. In fact I think it was the first time ever I kissed a black girl.

After
a while the kissing moments kind of died and we went back inside. Her friends had some argument with a drunken guy and the four of them left after a while. As far as I could figure out he was the (ex) boyfriend of one of the girls. I was back at the bar.

A
forty-five year old ugly hag started talking to me and of course I didn't understand shit of what she said, and wasn't interested in it either. Suddenly she grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd, which was embarrassing and a big de-selection. I had to ditch her quick before I embarrassed myself more with her. She wanted to kiss and dance and I just shook my head like a child until she left. I kissed another woman when I was talking to some old dude, who spoke four words of English. He just pushed her on me and she immediately started kissing me.

The
black hottie came back with her friends but kissed some bald guy who was chasing her all night. I had already read about the easy kissing culture in Brazil so I didn’t really care about it. It wasn’t going anywhere anyway.

I
had another make-out with a MILF at the bar. She only spoke a few words of English, was around thirty-eight and I was wearing beer goggles – though, I must say she looked quite sexy in her black dress. She gave me her phone number and I told her I’d text her. Overall I had a good time at Scuna, approached a lot of girls and had three make-outs.

I
lived in a hostel just a stone’s throw away from Club El Divino, apparently the most expensive club in town and where all the hot girls go. It’s at least twenty-five dollars just to get in so I just went there to see what was happening on the street outside. A guy was selling hotdogs from the modified back of his car and I bought one. I sat down next to a hot girl and asked her if she spoke English and she actually spoke it very well. We had a fun conversation and things were going well until some drunken Brazilian guys start cock-blocking me, first by trying to talk to me and being annoying, later by shouting to the girl: “Are you going to fuck him?” “Fuck fuck fuck” and other stuff like that. This totally ruined the fun mood and she called the guys imbeciles and they left. I couldn’t do much because they were a group of five and I’m not getting my ass kicked over this.

The
girl actually lived straight across my hostel and we walked back there and had some fun and jokes along the way. A guy tried to pick her up, saying he wanted to practice his English with me; I tried to ignore him as much as possible and the asswipe just asked the girl for her phone number, which she gave him easily. Guys were straight-up direct about approaching girls while they were with another dude. I had never seen this before in any country. I got her phone number two minutes later in front of the gate of her building. It didn’t mean much to me, since she’d given her number so easily to the cock-block. She said she had to work till late in the evening the next day and that I should call her. I wanted to kiss her but she kept a distance. After this she said I could call her but shouldn’t expect a kiss or a fuck if we meet up. I remembered the girl in Quito who said the same and assumed that if she can only meet at ten in the evening and already says stuff like “don’t expect to kiss or fuck”, it’s a waste of time to even call her.

The
next night I was planning to go to a place recommended by the guy working in the hostel. The club was called Mara Alta and it was kind of Brazilian country music club. He said I would be the only foreigner there and he would come with me, translate for me with the girls and take care of transport with his mom’s car. Erik was a nice guy to talk to but by that evening he had some excuse not to come anymore. I took my losses and returned to the MILF club.

I
texted the MILF from the day before who spoke a bit of English and she agreed to meet me there. I guessed that on a Saturday night out this would be my chance for my first Brazilian lay inside the country. Boy, was I wrong; the long hard struggle for Brazilian notches only got started. I didn’t see the MILF inside club Scuna and the first hour was kind of boring. Then I met three MILFs at the bar. One was super-fat so no way I was going to be with her. The other two were different but attractive in their own way. One had a few pounds too many but they were all at the right places, a giant round ass and a nice pair of knockers. The third was tiny and skinny, around forty judging by her face, but she had a workout stomach and a small but round and super-firm ass.

To
make a long story short, I kissed the short one and couldn’t stop squeezing her ass, which felt like it belonged to a teenager. She tried to stop me from doing it but I just kept on going. She stayed, so she was interested. The MILF from the day before finally showed up, very late. She saw me talking to the three others and walked over to talk to me. I had to make a split-second decision on which woman to stay with.

I
choose the tiny MILF with the round butt and brushed the other one off, saying she was an hour late and that I’d been waiting for her. She was clearly disappointed and I saw her alone the rest of the night.

Of
course, it turns out I made the wrong choice, because at the end of the night the tiny MILF went home with her friends and I probably could have banged the one from the night before. I didn’t care much, though, because the only reason I went to the MILF club was because it was cheaper and easier than going to El Divino, a high-end club with stunning hot but very snobby girls. My predictions for that place were that I would talk to young hot girls there but that as soon as they found out I was a poor backpacker, they would ditch me. As I said, it costs around twenty-five to forty dollars just to get in depending on the night and drinks are expensive. I didn’t go there, but maybe I should have given it a shot.

I
texted the tiny MILF the next day that I had to leave but would be back in a few days for the Blumenau Oktoberfest. She wanted to see me. I never went back but that’s another story.

Brazil –
São Paulo

In
São Paulo I stayed in a hostel called Limetime or something similar. If you ever stay there, look for my writing on the wall. One of the other guests was an Italian guy who was going around the world without flying and was planning on doing South America on a moped, breaking a world record.

I
cleaned myself up from the long bus ride and went to have lunch with Charlize. It was great to see her again. It had been almost half a year and I was looking forward to seeing her again for a while. When we’d said goodbye, I had promised she would see me again and she said I could stay in her house during my stay in São Paulo. For all those months of travelling through several countries my mind had been set on that. Not only would it save me money but most important, I really liked to be with her. A month or two before I met her again she told me she had a boyfriend in São Paulo, and I couldn’t stay with her. I couldn’t blame her, it’s not like I’d been sitting on my hands in the past months and she knew that. I was highly disappointed nonetheless.

During
lunch we reminisced about our time together in Argentina, but when I tried some subtle flirting she said that she was serious with her boyfriend and couldn’t do anything with me.

In
the evening she invited me over to her place to have dinner and watch some TV. I thought I would “get lucky” this time but she stayed loyal to her boyfriend (some hard rock dude). I could see she was struggling with it though, and she was nearly crying after the bombardment of sweet-talking and charming I fired upon her. A bit of cuddling was all I get out of it.

The
next weekdays I saw her three times again for lunch but couldn’t manage to get a grip on her. In the meanwhile I was going out with people from the hostel and did some sightseeing during the day.

Most
nights I went out to Augusta Street, which was full of clubs. I still had a hard time with Brazilian girls. I managed to kiss quite a few but couldn’t pull them to a motel.

On
Tuesday I went to a meeting of the travel website people, which was boring.

At
one time when I was smoking outside the bar with a few people from the meeting a small group of Brazilians got talking with us. One girl was very young and attractive. She had pinkish-blonde hair and a small body with good curves. Unfortunately she didn’t speak a word of English.