Are We Live? (12 page)
Authors: Marion Appleby
During a repeat run of teleshopping programmes on the soon-to-be-defunct American cable channel Q2, the person in charge of the on-screen graphics was feeling a little naughty. Instead of backing-up the claims made by the presenter, the on-screen messages were anything but helpful. A lesson to television execs: this is what happens when you give a disgruntled, soon-to-be-let-go member of staff a little bit of last-minute freedom.
Product advertised: ‘Set of scratch remover tubes with polishing cloth (a snip at $19.00 with just $4.47 shipping and handling!)’
The accompanying on-screen graphics:
COMING UP: RICHARD SIMMONS …NAKED!!
JUST LIKE POLISHING A TURD …
THIRTY-DAY MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
NORMAL DELIVERY IS SEVEN TO TEN WORKING DAYS
ALSO REMOVES WRINKLES AND LIVER SPOTS
I’M LONELY …CALL ME AT 610-701-8696
STILL LONELY …PLEASE CALL ME :-)
CAROLANN …GO INTO THE LIGHT!!!!!!!
‘Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they’re scraping the top of the barrel.
GORE
VIDAL
Product advertised: ‘The Freedom Bag (a suitcase, at $33.00, down from $50.00!)’
Accompanying on-screen graphics: ADDED BONUS: POUCH TO STORE KIDS IN!
Product advertised: ‘Diane Young Coneflower Neckline Firmer $34.25’
Accompanying on-screen graphics:
MAY CAUSE CANCER THOUGH …
I WONDER WHAT SHE’S THINKING RIGHT NOW
IS MY NECK REALLY THAT FAT????
‘All television is children’s television.’
RICHARD
ADLER
Pity the poor newsreaders and presenters at the mercy of a sometimes dozy production team.
Colin Briggs
(news anchor)
:
Good morning. The accident and emergency unit in Newcastle now looks almost certain to move from its home in—
[The news studio lights turn off. The room is plunged into total darkness.]
Colin Briggs:
Don’t worry, we haven’t paid the lighting bill.
[Poor Colin was forced to deliver the remainder of the news in silhouette.]
BBC local news
Faced with a revolving on-screen graphic and intro music that had stuck, this BBC News 24 presenter clearly had half the gallery shouting in her ear. Sadly, she opened the bulletin with:
News anchor:
Good evening and welcome to the problem. We seem to be having some …a few problems this morning …I do apologize for that.
BBC News 24
News anchor:
To autonomy, and onto the French …National Assembly …has adopted …must approve …the measures before …erm, a constitutional review, ah, panel …I’m sorry, this story is …absolute …erm …nonsense. I’ll continue with some headlines for you.
BBC World Report
‘I really do apologize to both of you. It really is a complete shambles tonight.’
Jeremy Paxman, to his studio and non-studio interviewees, during some telephone-based trouble
In 2009, football fans missed
the only goal
in the Merseyside FA Cup derby when ITV cut to the break during extra time. The last-minute goal meant Liverpool were knocked out of the cup, but both Everton and Liverpool fans failed to see it when an automated system (which controls when commercials are broadcast) overrode transmission of the game. Football fans were, understandably, rather furious.
Other times it’s the presenters
and
the production staff whose dozy antics lead to disaster. At the, now infamous, BRIT Awards in 1989, songwriting genius Mick Fleetwood and pint-size glamour model Samantha Fox delivered what has to be one of the worst presenting jobs in television history.
Although proceedings began well enough with a live performance from Gloria Estefan, it soon became apparent that the 5’1” Fox and 6’5” Fleetwood not only
looked
wrong on stage together, they also appeared monumentally uncomfortable presenting a live show. Indulging in some cringe-worthy ad-libbing and unable to hide the catalogue of continuity, technical and autocue errors that plagued the entire broadcast, Fleetwood and Fox also managed to announce the wrong winners
and
introduce the wrong guests.
The event was duly pre-recorded for the following eighteen years.
Sometimes it’s the presenters, and not the production staff, who are responsible for the technical mishaps.
In 2010, during the presentation of a Samsung 50” HD-ready plasma TV
on QVC in the UK, the presenter decided to show how hardy (he thought) the television was by punching it square in the screen.
Proclaiming that his nephew Hugh had ‘put the hand controller from his wii straight through the screen of his LCD telly’, the presenter, somewhat naively, added, ‘you won’t find that so much with a plasma TV’. After bashing his fist hard three times onto the TV, the sound of glass shattering could be heard, along with the presenters claim that, ‘Oh, I’ve broken it …I think it’s because I’ve done it so many times today.’ I wonder how many of those TVs they managed to shift after that …
‘Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.’
WOODY
ALLEN
Sometimes it’s difficult to point the finger of blame. Especially when the cameras aren’t controlled by humans …
A basketball report by a sportscaster in New England was interrupted when his newsdesk shuddered and began to emit strange noises. The noise was coming from a huge studio floor camera, which appeared to be moving of its own accord. It turned out it was a robotic camera with a mind of its own – it was out of control, and eventually ploughed into the news readers’ desk, pushing them both completely out of shot. Maybe it didn’t like basketball?
