April's Glow (20 page)

He had done it.

He had gone twelve months and reached the milestone he'd promised himself. Promised Johnny. He knew it didn't mean he was magically cured, and that he could forget all the challenges had ever occurred, but it was important to him that he had reached that date without taking one little sip. And without giving in to other temptations.

He rolled over in bed and looked at his strength tattoo. He stroked it with his finger, smiling.

April's face flashed in his mind.

Reaching this date also didn't mean he would magically be ready and able to start something with her, nor did it mean she would suddenly accept his past and the addiction that had once consumed him. But he felt free. Free to start making more progress in all areas of his life.

He stood and stretched, the morning sun streaming through his blinds. No matter what happened or didn't happen between them, this was going to be a good day. He was ready for it.

And,
he thought, as a realisation dawned …
I am ready. Ready for her too. I have been all along.

What he wasn't ready for was the possibility that she may not want anything to do with him. And even if she did, would she ever trust him, trust life, or would she be forever watching him, waiting for the signs, looking for her father in every move he made?

Those questions weren't for now. Today was about him.

He turned on his phone and returned his sponsor's missed call.

Then he looked at his wall calendar and instead of putting another cross on the day like he had on all the others before, he drew a big smiley face on September first.

First thing on the To Be list: satisfied stomach. Time for bacon and eggs.

His stomach grumbled as he prepared breakfast, and when he was indeed satisfied, he jumped in the shower and changed into jeans and a new t-shirt he'd ordered online to wear today. He laughed. He was starting to feel like a woman. But he'd wanted things to be new and different today, to signify the new beginning. And something else that would signify that new beginning was waiting for him outside.

He went out to the back deck and eyed the two small trees he would be planting. One for him, and one to remember Johnny. He put on his gardening gloves and carried each to the area near the fence facing the street. He dug into the soil he'd prepared with mulch the day before, creating a small crater to plant the star magnolias. He removed each from its pot and carefully embedded them into the ground, keeping enough space between them to allow for their rounded shape to grow and develop fully. Juliet scurried around, sniffing the ground and then dashing off like some invisible creature had spooked her. Soon, she'd exhaust herself and find a shady place to laze the day away. He may even do the same.

When both were planted and watered, he stood back with hands on hips and surveyed his new trees; a few small flowers already sprouted. They would bloom into a mass of white star-shaped flowers, reaching up and out. They would remind him to aim high, keep the hope alive, and remember how far he'd come. They would be his daytime stars, while at night he could gaze up at the sky through the telescope and watch the sparkling lights of the universe, shining down on him.

Both small trees were roughly around the same size, though the one on the left was slightly taller. He remembered when he and Johnny had measured themselves and found to be the exact same height at one point. From then on it had become a competition as to who would grow faster and taller. They'd kept measuring themselves, and Johnny would try to stretch his body up as high as possible, but he never reached the same height as Zac again. Zac had had a growth spurt soon after and Johnny was always trying to catch up. ‘Yours can be the one on the left,' Zac said out loud. ‘Maybe you'll tower over me this time.' He brought his hand swiftly to his forehead and saluted Johnny's tree. ‘I'll never forget you, bro.'

Juliet dashed past his feet and up onto the deck, then leapt off the deck and onto the grass again. Zac turned around and watched her playing joyfully, and the slowly moving clouds in the perfect blue sky caught his eye. He gazed up, squinting, at one of the clouds, it had moved and morphed from what it had been a moment ago, but he could have sworn that it had resembled a smiling face. He smiled back, the sun warming his cheeks and the spring breeze washing away the last twelve months and delivering the promise of something new his way.

* * *

April smiled at Belinda as she left the store, excited about some big party she was attending that night. April's plans were a simple dinner with Zoe and Lisa and Olivia, but this time, indoors. Zoe arrived at the store and when April closed up, they went to pick up some takeaway to bring back to April's house.

‘You sure we can't invite him over?' Zoe asked, looking between the closed blinds of the kitchen window as she lifted one up.

‘Don't spy on him! It's his anniversary today, of going sober. I don't want to disturb him.' She'd ended up telling the others about his alcoholism.

‘But haven't you at least congratulated him or anything?' Zoe asked.

‘No, should I have? I don't want to get in the way. He's probably planned some ritual or meditation or ceremony to mark the occasion. And what would I do, send a card saying “Congratulations! Hope you have a wild night celebrating your sobriety!”?'

‘Just send a text,' said Olivia. ‘Something simple.'

‘Yeah,' agreed Zoe. ‘I'll do it for you. Where's your phone?' She reached for April's pocket.

‘Hey! I can text him myself.'

‘Well, no dessert for you until you do.' Olivia held up the ice-cream container.

‘Pushy lot, you are.' She found him in the text messages and typed:
sorry it's late but I wanted to say well done on achieving your 12-month mark. Hope you had a good day.

She showed it to her friends and cousin. ‘There, happy?'

Lisa grabbed the phone.

‘Lisa!'

She typed something, and April grabbed it back a moment later. Her mouth dropped open on seeing the unsent message:

Now that it's been 12 months, can we please just get it on?

The others peered at the screen and laughed. Zoe said, ‘Yes! Send it!' but April deleted it.

‘Seriously, I think you're over-worrying,' said Zoe. ‘I get the whole alcoholic situation, but Ape, he's different to your dad. Give him a chance.'

‘I promised myself. I promised my mother, that I would never get involved with an alcoholic, or ex-alcoholic, whatever you want to call him,' she huffed. ‘Did you know that my mum takes anti-anxiety medication? She's been overloaded with drama in her life with Dad, she doesn't need to be worrying about me too. She's had enough of that the past couple of years, and hey—why not add a man with a history of alcohol abuse into the equation! Daughter of the year, I'd be.'

Olivia placed her hand on April's arm. ‘Honey, but what do you want? This is your life, not hers.'

Him
. Simple as that. Him. But without the risk and uncertainty, which wasn't possible. ‘It doesn't matter.'

‘So you like him, but don't want the drama, or the potential for problems down the track,' said Zoe. ‘So do what I originally suggested and have a fling—no strings attached. He gets to break his drought, and you get this frustrated attraction out of your system so you can move on. Win-win situation.' She gave a nod and crossed her arms.

Her phone beeped:

Thanks April.

‘Is that it?' Zoe asked. ‘Is that going to be the extent of your conversation, and if the world ended tonight you'd be happy with that?'

Hell no.

‘Interesting perspective,' said Olivia. ‘Makes you think, doesn't it? What would we do differently if the world was going to end tonight …' She nibbled her bottom lip. ‘For starters, I'd have to say a teary farewell to you guys and get home to my beautiful daughter.' Olivia took a sudden breath. ‘Oh God, why do I allow myself to think such awful things?!'

‘Because Zoe put the thoughts in your head,' replied April. ‘And the world is not going to end tonight, so we don't need to worry.'

‘I'd eat chocolate and binge watch one of my favourite shows,' said Lisa. ‘Because I'd hate to die and miss out on finding out what happens next, that would be a disaster.'

April laughed. ‘Priorities, huh?'

Her cousin shrugged.

If the world was to end …
April would say goodbye to her friends and family, tell her dad she didn't blame him, give Romeo the biggest of cat cuddles, and …

She would go to Zac.

Thankfully the world didn't end the next day, and it was still alive and kicking a week later too. April was staying late at work on a Sunday, busy making plans for her store's birthday celebrations for the next month. The discussions she'd had with the girls last weekend were losing their impact the more she immersed herself into every day life. But the fact that she was aware of this made her realise how often she'd done that throughout her life—distracted herself with busy-ness, to avoid dealing with the emotional issues, like was she ever going to not feel anything for Zac? Would she ever be able to move on? Or should she, like her friends had suggested, just get the whole thing out of her system? She also realised she must have learnt that distraction coping strategy from her mother; counteract each challenge with other, more ‘normal' things.

Maybe Zac was doing the same. She'd been courteous and friendly, but still kept her distance somewhat over the past week. And he hadn't shown any signs of trying to get inside her head again, or win her over, or charm her with his cooking or wit. Maybe he was indeed moving on. Moving forward. Having realised that April was reluctant. And now that the twelve-month mark had passed, that enticing sense of the forbidden was gone. Perhaps that was all it had been between them up till now, something that thrived on temptation and the inability to give in to it.

Before she closed the store, she checked her email. A new post had arrived from Zac's blog, and she clicked the link, expecting another self-reflective insight into his mind or the universe or general life philosophy. But her breath caught in her throat as she read the first line …

Her hands shook, her heart raced, her skin became warm and sweaty. Conflicted by the beauty of the prose and the inappropriateness of using her name and her store name, she stood quickly, her balance unsteady. She gripped the counter and tried to calm her breathing.

She had to go see him.

Not to surrender to the power of his words, or get the passion out of her system, but because this had to stop. He had to stop.

* * *

Zac had reread a lot of his blog over the past couple of hours, and deduced that there was a decent amount of content to make a start on a book. A book about his journey to recovery, and how self-discovery and poetry had been his saviour. The only thing he needed to work on next was his fear of not being anonymous anymore. He would have to make it known who he was, and be prepared to stand up and announce his experiences, his flaws, his triumphs, to the world. Or at least, anyone who was interested enough to listen. And, he realised, he hadn't even shared his poetry with April yet. And he wondered why she hadn't pestered him about it over the last several months. Maybe if she read some she would see. She might understand more, and see him for who he really was.

He looked up from his deck chair, over his laptop, at her house, the sky darkening behind it. He'd thought he'd heard her front door opening, which meant she'd be coming out back soon to get Romeo inside before he jumped the fence for his evening rendezvous with Juliet. He got up and put his laptop inside, filling a bowl with food for Juliet, then returned to the deck to water his potted plants.

Just as he thought, the back door opened. But she didn't call out for Romeo.

‘Zac,' she said, looking his way. That was a first.

‘That is me,' he replied.

‘I have to confess something.' She walked down the deck steps and over to the fence where he met her. She propped her hands on top of the fence, her pink fingernails curving over onto his side of the fence, shiny and bright.

‘Confess? You're not the type to keep secrets, what is it?' Unless, was she about to tell him how she really felt?