Apprehension and Desire: A Tale of Pride and Prejudice (35 page)

Amy and Elizabeth laughed quietly.

“You must first have a husband, dear.” Elizabeth whispered. “However, I am not so sure whether your brother will welcome the news of his sister marrying at sixteen.”

“I do not wish a husband,” Georgiana explained. “I just want such baby.”

“I think you can count on your brother and sister that one will appear at Pemberley in the coming year or two,” Amy said, glancing warmly at her friend.

Elizabeth hoped that the semi darkness of the nursery hid her pained expression. She felt a squeeze in her throat, but she managed to fight back the tears. All was in God’s hands. She had to be patient.

***

“How is your sister?” Elizabeth asked the next day as Amy showed her around the park surrounding the manor. Georgiana stayed at home, practicing the pianoforte. The baby was left with his father and Darcy.

“I wanted her to come here and live with us, but she refused. I think that she dreaded interrupting us. She is such a private person and does not want to be a burden to anyone,” Amy explained. “She is happy for me and even visited us here. Edward offered to settle her in a cottage not far from here, so she could live comfortably close to us, but she declined this offer too.”

Elizabeth stopped walking. “I saw Anne last spring.”

Amy turned to her. “I know,” she said calmly, “She wrote to me about your meeting in Kent. She explained that she was so humiliated with what you had witnessed there that she had pretended not to know you or Maria Lucas.”

“I thought the same, that she was too ashamed... because I noticed that she recognized us. The family she works for is so horrible. You cannot imagine.” Elizabeth shuddered as her hand went to her neck. “I would not wish such a fate for/on my worst enemy.”

Amy touched her arm, to calm her down. “She does not work for them anymore. Lady Matlock helped to find a new position for her, as a companion to an older lady, living alone in a grand house in Ireland. She has been there for two months now, and she is delighted with everything. She writes that her employer is very undemanding and that she has got half the day all to herself. She reads, walks to the beach and she even returned to painting.”

“I am so relieved to hear that,” Elizabeth assured her with feeling.

Amy sighed. “I think that I was much more lucky than she. You may be surprised with what I will say, but after all that Anne and I had been through after Papa’s death, when they had taken our house and all the money... It does not bother me what the world thinks of me anymore, whether they will call me a whore. Edward is such a decent man; he loves me and I am so happy here. My only worry is about Jamie and any other children we will have. The world can be so cruel, and they will be always carrying a stigma of being illegitimate.

“Not all is lost.” Elizabeth reached for Amy’s gloved hand to give it a squeeze. “There must be some way to make everything right.”

“Thank you, Lizzy.” Amy smiled. “I know how grateful Edward is for your husband’s support, that Mr. Darcy did not turn away from him when everyone, even his own father, did.”

“My husband is the best of men.”

“He is clearly enamoured with you,” Amy said more cheerfully as they resumed their walk. “However, I would rather not think of your marrying someone like him. He is so serious.”

“There was a time when I did not see myself as his wife either, believe me,” Elizabeth admitted.

Amy’s eyes shone with curiosity. “Tell me.”

“I did not like him at all when we first met. I thought he was rude, unsociable, prideful, arrogant and insensitive to the feelings of others.”

The other woman seemed taken back. “You did? Truly? That was your opinion of him? I know little of Mr. Darcy, but apart from being a bit taciturn and  reserved, he seems such a decent gentleman.”

Elizabeth stared in front of herself. “I was prejudiced toward him. I misjudged him severely,”  she acknowledged quietly. “There was the matter with Wickham and Jane too...” she sighed. “It is all a rather long and complicated story... The material point is that when I saw your sister at that inn, it came to me that there was hardly anything worse than such a fate, life in poverty, full of loneliness and humiliation. I decided to accept the next man who would propose to me, to ensure myself the security.”

“It is very unlike you, Lizzy. You wanted to marry for love,” Amy reminded gently.

“I turned out to be a coward,” Elizabeth admitted frankly. “I was in Kent, visiting Charlotte Lucas. She married a parson, Mr. Collins, our cousin to whom Longbourn is entailed to, not the most clever man in England to say the least. She seemed very happy though. It was enough for her that she rescued herself from being destitute.  I thought that marriage for convenience may not be so bad as I had always believed... What I did not expect was that Mr. Darcy would make me an offer.”

Amy clasped her hands. “You agreed.”

“Yes, though I regretted it the very next moment. I tried to break up with him, was on the verge of doing it a few times, but he made it very difficult, impossible almost. He was very persistent and pretended not to take any of my hints.”

“It sounds very romantic.”

Elizabeth gave her a heavy look. “I did not feel like a romantic heroine at all, I assure you. But he was constantly so kind and understanding. I learned to appreciate him...”

“You love him now?”

“I do, very much, and I cannot believe how I could have been so blind about him in the past.” She shook her head. “I do not deserve him.”

“Was Mr. Bingley very disappointed?” Elizabeth asked.

The two eldest Bennet sisters, dressed in nightclothes, long hair let free, were huddled together on the four poster bed in one of the guest rooms at Pemberley.

Jane hesitated before answering. “I think that he was surprised at first, but then he gave the impression of being quite relieved, which at that very moment convinced me completely that I did well refusing him.”

Elizabeth stayed silent for a longer moment. “I expect that Mama was not pleased,” she said at last, her expression compassionate.

“I do not remember her ever being so angry with me,” Jane admitted, lowering her eyes. I do understand her, though, I truly do. Mr. Bingley was a perfectly acceptable match for me.”

“What about Papa?”

“You know him, Lizzy. When Mama demanded from him to voice his opinion he refused. He said that he had been wrong about both you and Lydia and he was not going to get himself involved in the personal life of his daughters any more. In his view, I am of age and can decide for myself.”

“That sounds like Papa,” Elizabeth admitted, pursing her lips.

“Oh, Lizzy,” Jane cried, a heavy sigh escaping her. “I do want to marry, have my own family and children... Mr. Bingley is a good man, and he would have given me all that.”

“Have you already forgotten how he abandoned you twice, the second time when you most needed him?” Elizabeth reminded.

“What if I am not being realistic?” Jane mused, her expression thoughtful. “Not every person is as decided, devoted and in control as your Mr. Darcy. I must say that Mr. Bingley pales in comparison with your husband. I just want to find someone who would love me the same, not marry me because I am convenient for him. I fear, though, that I expect too much from life.”

“You deserve the best, Jane, someone much better than Mr. Bingley,” Elizabeth spoke with conviction.

“I intended to accept him, Lizzy, I really did. I knew that he was a good match. However, when the moment came, and he proposed, I simply could not force myself to say yes.”

“You did right.” Elizabeth reached to touch her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. “You should always listen to your heart.”

“You did not listen to your heart when you accepted Mr. Darcy and look how well it ended for you,” Jane pointed out. “You are very happy with him. Perhaps I would be too with Mr. Bingley, had I given him the chance.”

“No, Jane.” Elizabeth shook her head. “That was an entirely different situation with me and William. I was blinded with my own prejudice – I misjudged him,  thinking that he did things he had not done. It was shortly after I saw Anne Parker with her employers, and I was truly influenced with that picture of her misery and humiliation. Most important is that I did not know William well at all. You knew Mr. Bingley very well when he proposed. He betrayed your trust more than once. You are doing right, Jane. What would you do if he turned his back on you in a situation when you are not his betrothed, or someone he is courting, but his wife, the mother of his children?”

Jane watched her, and her blue eyes, darkened to violet. “Do you really think so?”

Elizabeth looked straight into her eyes. “Yes, I do,” she said with force.

Jane sat up and hugged her knees. “I do not know, Lizzy. I am so confused. Perhaps Mama is right, and I should have accepted him.”

“Mama wants the best for us, but she is not always right.  She does not understand everything,” Elizabeth said, her voice cautious. “You must remember how furious she was with me when I rejected Mr. Collins, but, in the long run, I was right and she was wrong. I know that history will repeat itself, and you will find your own path in life the same as I did.”

Jane’s head dropped onto her knees. “I hope so, Lizzy. I really hope so.”

Elizabeth hugged her. “Do not think about it now. Let us enjoy your visit here.”

“Thank you, Lizzy.”

“I am so happy you are here.”

Jane smiled. “Me too.”

The sisters hugged again before Elizabeth slipped from the bed. “I must go. It is late. Sleep late tomorrow, and do not bother to go downstairs for breakfast. I will send a tray to your room. You must rest after the long journey.”

A few minutes later, Elizabeth crept into the darkened bedroom, lit only by the fire from the mantelpiece. Fitzwilliam was on his stomach, which was an unusual sleeping position for him. She put the single candle on the bedside on her side of the bed and quickly removed her robe and slippers. She blew out the candle and crawled under the covers, mindful not to disturb him.

“What took you so long?” he murmured, his voice not at all sleepy, as his arm wrapped around her middle.

“I thought you were sleeping,” she whispered.

He pulled her to him, as his hand tugged at the top buttons of her gown and slipped inside, enveloping her breast. “I thought that your sister was tired after the long journey.”

“She is tired, but we needed to talk without delay. So much has happened.” Elizabeth explained, cuddling closer to him.

“Will you tell me then?” he asked.

“Tell you what?”

“Why did she reject poor Bingley after a year of swaying him back and forth?”

“Poor Bingley?” Elizabeth sat up. “He was not poor when he left her without a word of explanation when the news of Lydia broke. He returned only when the scandal was hushed down, and it was obvious that our wedding would take place.”

“So that was the reason.” Darcy said calmly, pulling her back to him.

Elizabeth frowned at him. “You tricked me,” she accused him.

Darcy shrugged, his strong arms winding around her. “I just wanted to know. Jane is so sensible and reasonable. I figured out that Bingley must have done something really stupid if he had alienated her enough to refuse him. She will be better without him.”

Elizabeth turned into his arms, looking up at him. “You think so?”

He nodded. “I like Bingley, but he never had a backbone. He should have stood by her, not cowered down and waited to see what happened. It is his own fault that he lost her.”

“I said exactly the same to Jane, but she still cannot stop thinking about it. I think that she really liked him.”

“I can introduce her to a few acquaintances,” Darcy suggested.

She gave him an unbelievable look. “You said that you would never, ever involve yourself in any matchmaking.”

“I am not going to,” he said quickly, his tone defensive. “I am only saying that I can introduce her to several single men. She is way too attractive not to draw interest.”

“She has no dowry.”

Darcy smirked. “I assure you that there are men who are wealthy enough to overlook this little detail for having such a beauty by their side, kind and with a sweet disposition too.”

Elizabeth scooted closer and placed her cheek against his warm chest. “William?”

“Yes, love.”

“When we met, at the Meryton Assembly…”

“Yes.” he prompted, his voice patient.

“Did you find Jane very beautiful?”

“Of course, I did. I am not blind. I always considered her very pretty, but perhaps smiling too much.”

“You liked her then?”

“Who?”

She rolled her eyes. “Jane, of course.”

Darcy was silent for a minute, and then he laughed. “You are jealous.”

“No, it is just…” she sighed into his nipple. “You speak with such an admiration about her.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Do not worry, for she never had that effect on me.”