Apart at the Seams (30 page)

B
obby crouched over, swung back his ball, released it, and then stood at the end of the alley with his fists clenched and his face clenched, too, waiting for the rattle of pins. Three of the four remaining fell with a clatter, and the last one even swayed a bit, but in the end, it stayed upright.

“Oh, darn it,” I mumbled to myself before shouting, “That's okay, sweetie! Good job, Bear!”

Everyone clapped, but Bobby stamped his foot in frustration. Dan came up to pat him on the shoulder, then bent down and said something to him. I couldn't hear him above the voices and applause of tournament spectators and the constant thunder of toppling bowling pins, but whatever it was seemed to help. Smiling, Bobby turned around and gave Dan a high five before they went back to their seats to await the next round.

“So you decided not to try and have his probation revoked?” Evelyn asked before taking a sip from the diet soda Charlie had just brought her.

Margot and Virginia were keeping an eye on the store, but Evelyn and Charlie had come to watch the tournament. Abigail and Franklin were there, too, sitting at the next table with Bethany and Charlie, devouring orders of nachos and mozzarella sticks between rounds. Evelyn, who was watching her weight, decided to sit with me, removed from temptation.

“You know, I thought about it, but in the long run, what would be the point? He'd be out again in a couple of years anyway. And knowing that I'd been responsible for sending him back would only make him angrier and more bitter and, potentially, more of a threat.”

“Well, you're a better woman than I am,” Evelyn said with a questioning tilt of her head. “If I'd been in your shoes, I'm not sure I could have been so forgiving.”

“It's not a matter of forgiveness—not really. I'm just tired of having Hodge's shadow looming over every aspect of our lives. If I sent him back to prison, I'd just spend more years worrying about what would happen when he was released. I don't want to live my life like that anymore, Evelyn. And, honestly, I really believe the agreement we reached will be better and safer for the kids.”

“So you actually agreed to meet with him?”

“It was Franklin's idea. I had doubts at first, but I was perfectly safe. Franklin was there, and so were Sheila Fenton and Hodge's probation officer. Hodge wasn't exactly cordial, but he wasn't hostile either, not like he had been. I'm not saying he's suddenly been transformed, but I think he's come to realize that a lot of the misery in his life has been of his own making. You know, he was the one who said he just didn't think it was a good idea for him to stay in New Bern and suggested they find another halfway house for him.”

“Really?” Evelyn asked. “That's a surprise.”

“I thought so too. The judge had to sign off on it, but they found him a placement in Pennsylvania, far enough away so I don't have to worry about running into him on the street but close enough so he can drive up one Saturday a month to see Bobby. They've also found him a job. He's going to be doing janitorial work in a lab, but if things work out, they could promote him to technician. I think it'll be good for him to work again.”

“And Bobby's all right with seeing Hodge? The scene at the house didn't scare him?”

“A little,” I admitted. “But he's still interested in continuing the visitations. I'm fine with that as long as they are supervised. Bobby doesn't think of Hodge as a hero figure anymore, but he still wants to know his dad. If that's what he wants, then I don't think I should try to prevent it. In a way, I almost wish Bethany would be willing to do the same thing.”

Evelyn, who had been sipping soda through a straw, sputtered when she heard this.

“What?” she gasped, coughing a bit, as if she'd swallowed wrong. “You can't be serious. Why does he deserve any—”

I held up one hand to stop her protests. “Hang on! Hear me out. I'm not thinking about Hodge; I was thinking of Bethany. I honestly think it might help her. When I was sitting across the table from him, for the first time in probably ten years, I wasn't afraid. I realized that he wasn't superhuman, a monster who might be lurking around any corner waiting to hurt me. He's just a sad, damaged, and broken man who has no power over me. Not unless I choose to give it to him, and I don't. I can't tell you how freeing that's been.”

Finally, Evelyn smiled. “You've certainly come a long way from the timid, secretive lady who came through my door five years ago. You're a tower of strength, Ivy. You really are. I admire you so much.”

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Oh, stop it!”

“No, I mean it,” she said. “I think you're amazing. You're going to do great things going forward, Ivy. I just know it. How are things going with the scholarship?”

“I sent in the application, but I won't hear anything for a few months. But,” I said, “when I picked up the mail today, there was a letter saying I'd won a twenty-five-hundred-dollar scholarship from another organization. It's not a ton of money, but it'll be enough so I can afford to take two classes this semester instead of one. That is,” I said slowly, making my voice a question, “if you wouldn't mind me coming into work half an hour late on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? I found an early-morning class that I'd like to register for. I can take a shorter lunch hour to make up the time.”

“Of course,” she said. “Not a problem.”

“Thanks.”

Evelyn cast a longing glance toward Charlie or, more accurately, his rapidly disappearing order of nachos, then took another sip of soda.

“So how are things going with you and Dan?”

“Fine.”

“Fine? I thought you really liked him.”

“I do. Probably too much,” I said with a sigh. “It's starting to get complicated.”

Evelyn laid her hand on my arm. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“With you?”

Evelyn nodded, and I paused for a moment, thinking about how dear she was to me and what good advice she'd given me over the years. If I told her about the depth of my feelings for him and how my desire to be with him was starting to get tangled up with my dreams for the future, she'd probably have something very wise to say about it. But this was something I had to deal with myself. And I planned to, that very day. But nobody else needed to know that. Sometimes, you've just got to go it alone.

“Not really,” I said with a little laugh.

Evelyn laughed too. “Fair enough.”

 

Bobby and Dan ended up placing third in the tournament, which was pretty impressive considering Bobby's age. He was the youngest competitor to win a trophy, and since this was his first, he was very excited, already talking about next year's tournament.

I'd made arrangements for the kids to spend the afternoon at Abigail and Franklin's after the tournament. I was going to take Dan out to lunch. There were some things I wanted to get straight with him.

After we said good-bye to the kids, I drove to the Gooseboro Drive-In and ordered deluxe cheeseburgers, fries, and strawberry shakes to go. Then we drove a few more miles up the road to Mount Tom Park and found a table under a tree, close enough to the lake so we could see the water but not so close that the happy shrieks of splashing children would make it hard to talk.

“I'd planned on making us a really fancy picnic,” I said apologetically, “but the week kind of got away from me.”

“This is perfect,” he said, squeezing a tube of ketchup onto his fries. “I love a good burger.”

“I know.”

Dan took a big bite of his cheeseburger, groaning with pleasure as he chewed. I smiled, dipped a fry into some ketchup, and took a bite, but I really wasn't feeling that hungry. After swallowing and taking a drink of milk shake, Dan looked at me and frowned, a small crease of concern forming between his brows.

“Something on your mind, Ivy? Because I have the definite feeling that I've been called to a meeting—the kind where they hand you a pink slip.”

I pressed my lips together and shook my head, looking away from him to give myself a chance to figure out how to tell him what was on my mind.

“We've had a great summer together,” I began. “The kids and me. But especially me. With you, I mean,” I stammered, realizing it could have sounded like the kids and I had had a nice summer. “We all liked spending time with you. I think I liked it even more than the kids.”

“Uh-huh,” Dan said slowly, drawing out the first syllable and clipping off the last, his face somber. “I'm listening.”

“What I'm trying to say is, there are things I want to do with my life, things that matter to me. At seventeen, my plans for my life were pretty murky. After I met and married Hodge, they disappeared completely. I sort of submerged my personality into his, trying to be whatever it was I thought would make him happy.”

“I'm not Hodge,” he said in a low voice, keeping his eyes fixed on mine.

“I know you're not. That's why this is so hard.” I looked away for a moment, staring at the blue expanse and collecting my thoughts.

“I really, really want to finish my degree, and I don't want to take ten years to do it. That is hugely important to me. I don't want to let anything get in the way of that. But since meeting you . . . I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm really confused about my feelings for you.”

“I'm not,” Dan said, his face as serious as his tone. “I'm not the least bit confused about my feelings for you. I love you. Plain and simple.”

His unexpected declaration and the look on his face, that same look that had stolen my breath and knocked the rust from my unused heart on that day in the bowling alley, did it again—took my breath away. But just for a moment.

“You . . . you love me?”

“I do. I've known it ever since our first date. It took me all of five minutes to fall in love with you.”

My heart started to race. I felt a flush of heat on my neck and cheeks.

“But I . . . I love you too!”

Dan's sober mask split, revealing an expression of joy, quickly followed by one of confusion.

“You do? Then why are you trying to break up with me?”

“Break up with you?” Now it was my turn to be confused. “I'm not. I was just trying to tell you that I mailed in my application for that scholarship today, the big one, and if I get it, I've definitely decided that I'm going to move to Delaware. But after I graduate, I'm coming right back to New Bern. What I was going to ask you is, if I were to end up going away, would you be willing to sort of. . . wait for me?”

The joyous expression was back. Dan started to laugh, shaking his head back and forth as if he couldn't believe I'd asked such a silly question.

“Well, of course I'll wait for you! I'll wait till hell freezes over if I have to! I'd walk over hot coals for you, Ivy. Don't you know that by now?”

I shook my head and grinned, beaming with happiness. I hadn't known that. But I knew now, and it was the best feeling in the world. I couldn't imagine ever feeling any happier than I did right at that moment.

But before I had a chance to say so, or to kiss him, or to jump into his arms or do any of the things that I felt like doing, he said something that wiped the smile right off my face.

“But why do we need to wait?” he asked, pushing his food to one side and planting both elbows on the table, leaning toward me. “Why don't you just go to college in Connecticut?”

“Because I told you,” I said, my emotions swinging from joy to disappointment in the space of a few sentences. “I want to get my degree, and I don't want to take another decade doing it. I do love you, Dan. I love you very much. But I'm not going to abandon everything
I
want out of life. I gave up on myself once; I won't do it again. Not even for you.”

“I'm not asking you to,” he said urgently, reaching across the table to grab my hands. “Look, if we were all living in the same house—you, me, Drew, and the kids—our expenses would be a lot less. You wouldn't be paying any rent, and my house is already paid for. You could afford to cut back on your hours at the shop and take more classes. If the scholarship money comes through, you could even go full-time. You wouldn't have to pay for sitters. My business slacks off after Labor Day, so I could pick the kids up from school. Of course, in the summertime I work pretty long days, but you don't take classes then anyway. During the school year, I could take care of everything, even make dinner if you were in class or studying. I'm a pretty decent cook,” he said, and then laughed. “Well, good enough. I've been cooking for Drew and me for years. Nobody's gotten ptomaine poisoning so far.”

I laughed, too, not because his joke was so funny but because I couldn't believe how lucky I was. A kindhearted, hardworking man, a man who was strong without having to prove it, who looked better in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt than any man I'd ever met, a man who loved my kids and was willing to cook for them and for me, loved me. And I loved him back. I'd tried not to, but in the end, I couldn't help myself. It all would have been so perfect, but for one thing.

“Dan, we can't move in with you. I love you so much, but the kids . . . they're young and impressionable. And even if they weren't, I wouldn't feel right about us living together.”

Dan's brows shot up. “Living together? Ivy, I'm not asking you to move in with me. I'm asking you to marry me.”

“Marry you!”

He couldn't be serious. Could he?

On Memorial Day, I hadn't known Dan Kelleher well enough to do more than wave and say hello when I picked Drew up to babysit. It wasn't even Labor Day yet, but he was asking me to marry him. Was that a good idea? Falling in love and getting married were easy enough, but as I'd been reminded only too well over the course of the summer, staying in love and staying married were a lot harder. Any way you sliced it, choosing love was a risk, a big one.