Anywhere's Better Than Here (32 page)

Despite her earlier nap, she was numbingly tired. She felt she might be coming down with something. She rubbed uselessly at her eyes which felt as if they'd been wiped down with sandpaper. How long was she going to have to wait here? She heard a car door open and close and then the front door creaked open. She lay down on the bed.

‘‘Paul? Let's get going.'' That must be Jenny.

‘‘Hang on Mum,'' Paul shouted back, ‘‘there's something I need to get first.''

Laurie heard him swinging around the banister and then banging up the stairs. She'd be glad to see the back of him. He was old enough to know what he was doing, wasn't he? She was when she was fifteen.

There was a soft tap at the door. What now? She groaned inwardly, trying to make no noise so he'd just go away. Hadn't she been involved enough in another family's drama?

‘‘Laurie?''

Why was he whispering?

‘‘What do you want?'' she asked roughly.

‘‘Can I come in?''

He was still whispering.

‘‘Do what you like. It's your family's house isn't it?''

He opened the door a bit and looked around it warily.

‘‘I'm decent,'' she said.

He stared at her.

‘‘Just come in, will you.'' She pointed at the chair. ‘‘Sit there.'' She didn't want a repeat of any funny business.

He came in and closed the door. He stood with one hand behind him. She waited. He looked over her head.

‘‘Well?'' she said. ‘‘What is it?''

He took a breath. ‘‘I'm sorry about everything.''

She raised an eyebrow. ‘‘Are you?''

‘‘I am. I was a dick downstairs. Everything's just a bit weird.'' He shook his head.

‘‘I've always known about Gerry.'' He hesitated. ‘‘But I never wanted to know him, you know?''

She supposed there were plenty of kids who didn't have contact with their dads. It was probably uncommon to have both parents together these days.

‘‘Like, my mum never had any time for him after everything.''

She nodded. You could hardly blame the woman.

‘‘And, she didn't say much about it, but I knew he wasn't really talking to my gran.''

‘‘I know,'' she said. It was hard to think of Gerry the way she knew him. He'd been such a shit with his family.

‘‘So, last week I went to the hospital and waited around a couple of times to see him. And I found out that he works late at night.'' He scratched at his top lip where the faintest hint of a moustache was in evidence. ‘‘So when my mum was asleep the other night I went down there and I saw him in the cafe.''

‘‘Oh. The cafe.'' Laurie nodded remembering that messy, stupid night. It seemed ages ago.

‘‘Yeah. I was sitting over by the door and he was really upset.''

‘‘I know.'' She stood up and walked over to the window to perch on the windowsill.

‘‘I'd already phoned Ed for a lift home when you came along. And then you two were talking and I thought, you know, like how come everyone else gets to know my dad and I don't?''

She sighed. ‘‘I hardly know him at all really. I only met him last week.''

‘‘You still know him better than I do.'' There was a brief flare of anger in his eyes.

‘‘All that stuff about being abused and your friend dying and everything,'' she said. ‘‘Why did you do that?''

He shrugged. ‘‘I don't know.'' He picked at the bed spread. ‘‘Haven't you ever just done something without thinking it through?''

‘‘Yes. And look how amazingly well that's worked out.'' She tried to smile, but her heart just wasn't in it.

‘‘Sometimes I just wish everyone would go away.'' He came over and stood next to her and looked out of the window. They both watched Jenny leaning against the car with her arms crossed.

‘‘What? Like a last-one-on-earth type of thing?''

He nodded.

‘‘It would be lonely,'' she said. ‘‘That would have its appeal for a bit, but you'd get sick of it. And scared.''

He breathed out heavily through his nose. ‘‘What was that all about last night? Was he having a nightmare?''

She nodded.

‘‘What about?''

‘‘Och, you know – army stuff.''

They both kept looking out of the window. Jenny scratched her head then smoothed her hair down.

‘‘She's pretty.''

‘‘Don't worry, she doesn't want to get back together with Gerry.'' He nodded down at his mum. ‘‘She's got a boyfriend.''

Laurie shrugged. ‘‘It isn't any of my business.''

‘‘Isn't it?''

She elbowed Paul gently. ‘‘Come on, you'd better get going.''

‘‘Okay.'' He pushed himself up from the window sill. ‘‘See you later.''

She shrugged. ‘‘Anything's possible.''

He walked out of the room trailing a waving hand behind him. He'll probably be alright when he grows up, she thought, trying to be kind.

She stayed at the window and watched him getting into the car. Jenny glanced up at the bedroom window and Laurie nodded to her, unsure of whether she could actually see her. She looked around the room and then got to her feet. If she set off now she should be able to find somewhere with a phone. She waited until she heard the car driving away down the stony drive and then walked to the door and opened it quietly. The last thing she wanted was to get into it with Gerry or his mother. She crept down the stairs completely silently then stood in the hallway and looked around. She would be glad to get away from all this complication and intrigue and domestic drama. She hardly knew Gerry enough to miss him and she was sure a few days staying with her dad would soon invigorate her enough to get organised again.

‘‘Laurie.'' He stood in the doorway of the dining room.

Her heart sank. So much for a quick getaway. She couldn't even think what to say to him.

‘‘Are you okay?'' His face was all concern.

‘‘Okay?'' She laughed quietly. She'd prefer to not encourage Gerry's mother to come out and get involved. ‘‘Peachy Gerry, bloody peachy.''

‘‘I'm sorry Laurie. I didn't forsee any of this happening.'' He shook his head. ‘‘We were going to tell you this morning and then …''

Laurie didn't trust herself to say anything.

‘‘Still,'' Gerry smiled. ‘‘At least you've met my family now.''

‘‘It's not a joke Gerry.'' All of a sudden her mouth was so dry. ‘‘You knew, didn't you?''

‘‘Not at first, no.''

‘‘But you worked it out before this morning, didn't you?''

He shook his head. ‘‘Not really, at first all I was thinking about was, you know, help this kid. I knew it was my chance to do something right for a change. I was just feeling so shitty and everything.'' He ran his hand through his hair. ‘‘But then some things started to ring a bell of sorts.''

‘‘What things?'' She was angry, but she was still curious about what had tipped him off and yet she'd had no clue.

‘‘He seemed to know his way around here and then I suppose I saw Jenny in him, but I didn't really realise what I was seeing.'' He gripped her shoulder and she felt herself give in to it. ‘‘But then I recognised myself in him and I knew who he was.''

So typical. He sees himself in the boy and that's all it takes for him to get interested after all these years.

‘‘And, what? It didn't occur to you to let me know who he was?'' She leaned up close to his face and jabbed her finger at him. She wasn't going to relent now.

‘‘Gerry?'' It was his mother. ‘‘Is everything okay?''

Gerry looked at Laurie and then over to the door of the living room.

‘‘Well?'' Laurie said to him.

‘‘Look, let me do this,'' he nodded at the door, ‘‘then we'll go for a walk and sort everything out.''

Could she even be bothered to sort it out? What was the point anyway? She didn't need a therapist to tell her that a relationship needed to be honest.

He squeezed her shoulder. ‘‘Please?''

‘‘Okay. But I'm not hanging around for hours.'' She'd go as soon as the door closed behind him.

‘‘Thanks Laurie.'' He looked at her with such naked gratitude that she felt ashamed.

He leaned down and gave her a shy peck on the lips. She would have to steel herself. She gave him a little push.

‘‘Go on,'' she said. ‘‘You two need to talk.'' She tried to smile. She hoped it was convincing.

He took a deep breath and then opened the door to the living room, glancing back at her. She gave him the thumbs up and he entered the breach, with his head dipped slightly as if he was going out into rain.

She stood listening to Gerry and his mum talking quietly in the living room. She was amazed by how quietly they were speaking to each other. What a show of self-restraint. Mind you, it was probably this buttoned-up aspect to the family's nature that had stopped Gerry from doing the right thing from the start. She got the impression that appearances and community feeling would be very important to a family doctor. There would have been shame in Gerry's walking away, but would there be more shame than getting his teenage girlfriend pregnant in the first place? She doubted that the teenage version of Gerry would have thought of that. It was all act now, think later when you were young.

She looked at herself in the mirror by the door. She was a state. Her hair needed washed and her eyebrows looked as if they were on the verge of developing personalities. She wondered when the bloom of youth – if she still had it, even – would be wearing off.

Bits of Gerry and his mother's conversation drifted out to her. They could be discussing dinner or the day at work if you didn't know better. They were so calm and polite. It made her think of the Royal Family.

‘‘I've no idea.''

Gerry sounded tired.

‘‘But you must have some sort of an idea.'' Gerry's mother's voice rose a tiny bit and betrayed very, very slightly now that she was forcing politeness somewhat.

‘‘I really don't,'' said Gerry. It sounded as if he was getting ready to finish the conversation and come out to the hall.

She realised quite suddenly that she had absolutely no interest whatsoever in getting involved with Gerry and his family any further. She should say something to Gerry, but he of all people should understand the desire for a clean break. Besides which, she didn't owe him anything, did she? Really, what on earth was she doing here? What was she doing generally?

She decided to go out of the back door to make sure that they didn't see or hear her. As she passed the remains of the tea tray, she picked up a Kit-Kat and stuck it in her pocket. That might come in handy if she had to wait a while for a lift.

She legged it as fast as she could down the drive. If someone was to see her now they'd call the police – she looked a person on the run from some demented picker-up of hitch hikers. She imagined herself explaining it to some grizzled old policeman.

‘‘He seemed so nice.'' Tears would flow. ‘‘He said he was taking me to a phone.''

‘‘That's how they get you in the car miss.'' The policeman would pat her on the shoulder in a fatherly way. ‘‘It's a classic ploy.''

She'd sniffle in a feminine way into a hankie provided by the policeman.

‘‘You were lucky this time miss.'' He'd shake his head. ‘‘There were others,'' – here he'd pause, raising an eyebrow – ‘‘who weren't as lucky.''

She slowed down once she made it to the main road. Of course, it started to snow. What were the chances of her freezing to death out here? She stuck her tongue out and caught a few snowflakes. She should have pinched one of those decorations to remember this whole sorry escapade. This reminded her of the photo in her coat pocket. She took it out and stopped walking to look at it properly.

Gerry looked so much younger and more together in the picture. But she liked him the way he was now. She liked the fact that he looked as if he'd been around. All he needed really was a bit of focus and some sleep and less drink. She ran her fingers over the picture, remembering the night before on the living room floor and then later, the way he'd held on to her with his heart beating so fast and his skin clammy and shivery like a sick child.

She looked back up the hill to the cottage and then down the road which they'd driven up the morning before. She took a few steps forward and stopped again, looking around at the hills and the darkening sky.

She sighed. There was no point in making life any harder than it needed to be. Maybe this would all prove to be illuminating in some way on the methods of the world and the people contained therein. Things could be worse, she could be sitting on her own on a bench in a park surrounded by weirdos in the bushes. Or she could be wandering around aimlessly in a shopping centre, wasting the day with nowhere to go and no one to be with. Besides which, it was really cold and it was Christmas Day tomorrow and she didn't want to die in a ditch on her own with no one she knew very well looking for her.

She turned around and started to walk back up the hill towards the cottage. She pulled the Kit-Kat out of her pocket.

Fuck it, she thought, ripping the wrapper off, live each day like a tiger.