Anywhere But Here (32 page)

“Well, yes. Mmhmm. I did try it.”

“You did?”

I was bouncing my slipper on the edge of my foot, over the side of the porch, and it fell. The ground felt cold when I hopped down to get it.

“Where did you go?”

“Nowhere. Just here.”

“In the bedroom, with the troops upstairs? You’re kidding. With Mama in the house?”

“We watched Carson. Everyone was asleep.”

“And?”

My mother sighed, blowing on her coffee and looking out over the yard. The grass seemed faded and the fall light was whiter than in summer. “It was fine. It’ll be fine,” she said. Sometimes my mother seemed older.

Lolly scanned her face as if there was something different she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Finally, she looked at me as if I knew. My mother seemed slow and collected, it seemed she’d come to some resolution. When the train passed and her coffee cup chattered in its saucer, she looked down and smiled, as if the noise were music.

“So what about California?”

“I don’t know,” my mother said, looking straight at Lolly, holding her cup in the air, “but with a man like that, who can? Who does know?”

“You haven’t heard anything?”

“Not a thing.”

“And you don’t think you will?”

“Oh, I think so. I’m sure of it, in fact. Someday, he’ll have a record out or they’ll cast him in a movie and he’ll come into some money and, then, I’m sure he’ll call us. But who knows when?”

“I know what you mean.”

“And she’s growing up. I can’t just stay here forever.” My mother nodded at me.

As soon as she said that, I wished I was younger. I fell out onto the grass and started doing cartwheels. My hair knocked against my cheeks. I walked on my hands.

“Did you see, Mom, did you see me?”

My mother and Lolly both sat with their coffee cups in their laps, not talking.

“Do it again, Honey,” my mother said.

Skating the next time, I didn’t get off the ice. When the music stopped, my mother and Lolly stepped delicately onto rubber mats at the exit, my mother taking a few last breaths, as if she were leaving precious air. The Zamboni, a machine that cleared the ice, already stood growling at the other end of the rink. I took one last run around the ice, skating as fast as I could, my arms
flailing. The Zamboni followed close behind because the man who drove it believed I needed to be taught a lesson.

It was like being chased by an animal; I heard the thing behind me, I couldn’t tell how near it was. I was ready for its paw on my back, to tip me over, any second. My mother stood at the exit yelling and I saw her but I couldn’t hear. The Zamboni behind me, I raced, running on my tips, trying not to fall forward because if I did I’d be caught underneath the machinery. I raced for my life, believing I could die and that if I tripped and fell and the Zamboni ran me over, it would be fair, because I shouldn’t have been on the ice.

Maybe I wanted to die. I ended up ramming against the barrier at the exit, falling hard into the wood.

And just then, my mother and Lolly looked at each other, turned and walked downstairs. They refused to acknowledge me; they wouldn’t encourage such behavior. Besides, my mother felt embarrassed because of Ted. She wanted Ted to think she could make me mind.

I had some pride. Instead of running after them, I stood at the exit, kicking sheets of ice off my blades. Another mother, there to pick up her children, hugged me against her belly, a strong arm pulling me in. She whispered, “Tell me, does your ma hear anything from your daddy?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Awww,” Mrs. Bayer whispered, rubbing down my hair.

For a moment, but only for a moment, I let my eyes close.

“You must miss your daddy,” she said, her face dropping into a loose expression of pity.

I pulled away. “No.”

Taking the skates off on the bench was pure joy. My work was done. My shoes seemed sizes too big for my feet and my ankles felt filled with air. Walking over the thick rubber mats, my body seemed to start at my shins. I was light. I’d done what I could do.

We heard from my father again two years after my mom married Ted. He called my grandmother first. He didn’t know about Ted or the house on Carriage Court. He seemed to suppose we stayed
the same the years between his phone calls. He told my mother he lived in Reno, with a new wife. So, apparently, he still hadn’t made it to California. He told my mother he wanted to take me to Disneyland.

“Well, I don’t know. Do you think we’ll really get there this time?” She snorted into the phone.

“Oh, no, you don’t,” my mother said then, after huffs and pauses, impatient sighs. “Nothing doing. I’m not taking her out of school to fly out there alone. Either I come too or she’s not going.”

My father wanted to have just me. Finally, he agreed to send the money for two tickets. Then, she covered the receiver with her hand. “Ann, his new wife has an eleven-year-old granddaughter. She’s never seen Disneyland and they thought they might bring her along. Would you like that or would you rather it be just us?” She whispered, “If you’d rather just us, then say so.”

“I’d rather be just us,” I said.

My mother took her hand off. “She feels she’d rather not have another child there.” I hated the way it sounded like that, loud. I hopped around the kitchen in a circle and yelled, “I don’t care. I don’t care who comes. Bring her.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure he won’t bring her,” my mother said. We stood in front of the open refrigerator, eating slices of cold châteaubriand. That way there were no dishes to wash. “What do you think, a granddaughter your age. His wife must be as old as Gramma.”

“Why couldn’t I go alone?”

“Honey, there’s a lot of things you just don’t know, okay? Believe me, I’m a lot older and I know this man.”

She waited and I didn’t say anything. I had the salt shaker. I shook on salt.

“Ann, he could get you on a plane to Egypt in a couple hours and who’d ever know? Yeah, you didn’t think of that, did you? And let me tell you, you wouldn’t like it. They’d get you married and pregnant in no time. Over there, they educate the boys, not
the girls. There’s no such thing as a high school girl. Your dad was just darn lucky.”

My mother and father wanted to take me out of school and fly to Disneyland right away, but Uta, the new wife, insisted we wait for Easter vacation. That gave my mother and me three weeks to shop. We bought new dresses and my first stockings and white gloves.

Then my mother read about something she wanted: a new Sony portable color television. A jewel. They were small; she showed me the picture she cut out of the magazine. She wanted a white one, she felt sure they came in white. The article said they wouldn’t be available in the States for another year, but my mother thought they’d have them in California. “I’m sure of it,” she said, “it’s right across the water from Japan. I bet they’ll be all over the stores.”

My mother had stopped telling Ted about the things she wanted, because he tried to get them for her and he made mistakes. For Christmas, he’d bought her a console record player instead of a stereo with component parts. He surprised her with a dishwasher, just after she’d bought hand-painted plates. She shuddered talking about what he’d come up with if she told him about the Sony: a big, cabinet-sized Zenith or RCA.

She picked me up after school and we drove downtown to Shreve’s. We browsed on the electronics floor, watching all the televisions. They had Sony black-and-whites but no colors. All the colors were huge things, whole varnished cabinets.

“Can I help you,” a young woman said, her hands in the pockets of the brown store smock.

“Oh, no, thank you.” My mother nudged me as we walked to the parking lot. “We’ll have the first one in Bay City.”

Ted walked us outside to the aluminum steps of the plane. It was a windy, wet afternoon. My mother hooked my hair behind my ears and then put her hand on her own head. She wanted to go inside the plane, so we wouldn’t get mussed, but Ted just stood there and so we waited.

His smile seemed different to me that day, higher on the left side, bent, not like a zipper.

Our airport wasn’t large. You could see runways going into the fields and around the perimeters; behind the blinking lights, trees started again, birches and pine. The inside terminal was small, too, with one coffee shop where high school girls worked as waitresses.

“Well, you have fun,” Ted said. He laid one arm on my shoulder and his other hand reached under the back of my mother’s hair.

She sighed. “Well, I don’t know if it’ll be fun, I doubt it, but necessary. And it’ll be fun for her, you’re right, for her it should be fun.”

My father sat with his legs crossed, staring as if he wasn’t seeing anything, in a plastic, molded airport chair. A woman stood behind him, with a hand on his shoulder. Her other hand was cocked over her eyebrows, as if she was looking for something far away. It seemed they’d been waiting a long time.

“John, is that them?” I heard her say. But John was not my father’s name.

Then my mother waved, he stood up and we all met. The granddaughter stood there, too, a girl whose legs were so thin it looked as if something might be seriously wrong. She kept shaking my hand up and down.

The five of us were going to eat right away in a restaurant in Beverly Hills, Uta told us. She had already made the reservation. But first, my mother wanted to use the ladies’ room. She asked me to come along.

“Don’t feel bad about the granddaughter,” she said, in front of the mirror. She brushed out our hair. “Because I’m sure
he
didn’t want to bring her.
She
insisted. Did you see how
she’
s the one with the money.
She
made the reservation.
She
had the camera around
her
neck. It’s like she’s the man and he’s the woman. So don’t feel bad.”

They had a rented car and my father drove. He and Uta sat in the front seat. My mother had to climb in the back with the grand-daughter
and me. Her high heels made it hard to balance, getting in. She put her hands on her lap and smiled right away and you could tell she didn’t like this.

“So, Hisham, do you still have the Valiant?”

He chuckled a little. “No, I had to get rid of that.”

I thought of our Valiant in a Nevada dump somewhere. Benny was good with cars. Even though he was only eleven years old, he drove up and down Lime Kiln Road in his dad’s truck. I’d been to the dump in Bay City where they put the old cars; Griling ran it, walking around with a stick. The machine dump covered two sides of a hill and a long valley. It wasn’t just cars, there were old wash machines and refrigerators, their doors open, and warm from the sun. Cats lived on the empty wire shelves.

“I’m calling myself John now,” my father said, glancing over at Uta. Uta nodded, looking down at her purse.

“John,” my mother mulled. “How come?”

My father shrugged. “People recognize it. They know how to spell it.” He laughed. “I’m applying to be a citizen.”

Uta took a small white box from her purse and gave it to my father to give me; it was a gold bracelet, with one charm, a tree with turquoise leaves.

“Well, it’s real, all right,” my mother said, examining it later under the lamp. We stayed at the Disneyland Hotel, my mother and me in one room, them in another. She showed me the tiny stamp of 19K printed on the gold. “It must have been expensive. But it’s gaudy, you know, she’s got money, but no taste. That’s one thing about us, Ann, we have taste. We can go anywhere and they’d think, Hey, what a great-looking mother and daughter. And that’s class.”

For years, I’d watched “The Wonderful World of Disney” on TV. Sometimes in bed, before I went to sleep, I imagined us—my father with more hair than he had now, my mother’s swooped up on top of her head, held with a diamond pin, and me, blond like my mother and prettier than I am—in our old brown car, with rounded fenders, floating down a long canal. A fairy with a wand of flies’ wings perched just at our backs, touching the tops of our
heads. I’d feel her fingers on my spine and lean against her knee, but I wouldn’t turn back to look at her, for fear she wouldn’t be there. The brown car drifted slowly and trees above us bent down with the weight of their fruit. When we touched it, it was ours, the way, when you cup your hand outside the window of a moving car, you imagine something solid and then you feel it. We passed animals on the banks of the canal and at one turn, I saw an elephant carrying the Las Vegas circus children dressed in leopard skins and sequins. The lighted castle stood in the distance. The banks of the canal were a simple yellow, the trees green, the sky and water blue. Disneyland looked like the crayoned city I’d drawn on my grandmother’s floor when I was a child and we floated in the Valiant, farther and farther in.

I’d wanted to see Disneyland for so long and now I was there. All day the five of us bought things. My father and my mother kept peering down into my face and saying, “Having fun?” I felt like they could see all the things I’d imagined to myself, the private things I’d pictured with my eyes closed, in the dark. I’d shrug and say, “Yeah,” and look at the granddaughter. I turned out glad she was there. The two of us got to pick out the restaurants we wanted and what we wanted to order in each one. Nobody talked about money. Uta always paid.

They all kept looking at me and asking what I wanted to do next. I shrugged and said, “I don know.” But that made them nervous. My father walked with his hands in his pockets, looking high up, towards the sky. Then he talked to my mother about cutting my hair.

“We’ve thought of it, but I think it’s better long,” she said.

He seemed to agree. “No, she’d have to be thinner if it were short.”

“Sometimes, I think about bangs,” my mother volunteered.

On Saturday, Uta rented a limousine to drive us to a famous restaurant. It was on top of a tall building so we could see lights of the whole city below us. One side was pure black and my father said that was the ocean.

My father spoke French to the waiter—I watched my mother and Uta look at him and sink back in their chairs. There were some things women couldn’t do and those were the things my father was good at. My father ordered for all of us, something I’d never heard of, tournedos.