Antebellum (33 page)

By this time everyone in the cabin, including Aunt Sarah and Roka, was staring at me. Aunt Sarah yelled out while Roka made his way over to my other leg.

“What you think you doin'? Dem bones no ways healed yet! You gon' ruin dat boy's limbs!”

Roka spoke calmly while fingering the knot on the second splint. “He say let me out. No argue.”

The splint for my left leg was removed easier than the one for my right. The knots were not tied as tightly, and the boards clattered against the wooden floor in half the time. I looked down at my arms and legs, finally freed, and then looked up at SaTia. Her face shone with awe and confusion. I had to go to her.

I stood up slowly from the bed and gritted my teeth. The pain in my legs was fierce, but I wouldn't let it stop me. I wouldn't be that weak in front of SaTia. I straightened my back and let my arms hang limp by my side, praying I wouldn't have to employ them. I disappointed them immediately by reaching down and grabbing a long, thick stick I had seen at the foot of the bed. I held the stick firmly with my right hand, and leaned as much weight on it as it could support. Then I took a step forward.

Everyone in the room gasped, thinking I would fall. But I refused to. Something inside of me kept me on my feet when everyone watching knew I should be flat on my face.

I took a second wobbly step, and then a third, making a straight line to the woman I thought I'd lost. She seemed scared as I approached her, and I wasn't sure if she thought I was going to stumble or if she was just nervous about what I'd say. It didn't matter, though. I knew I wouldn't fall, and I knew she had nothing but admissions of lifelong love and sworn oaths of protection in store for her. When I finally made it to her bedside, she held out her hands to take me and help me sit. I pushed them away, almost falling in the process, and navigated myself down to the bed. When I turned and saw her face right next to mine, staring back into my eyes, my voice caught in my throat. It took four deep breaths and a brief meditation to calm myself down.

Everyone in the room waited in anticipation for me to speak.

“SaTia...I...I don't know what ta say. I ain't never think I'd see you again. I got so many questions for you... like how in the hell did you get here? But I can't even ask 'em right now. All I wanna do is stare at you. Stare at you and remember where we came from.”

SaTia stared back at me, listening intently. Her eyes smoldered like an inferno and lit up my body. She opened her mouth to speak and I closed my eyes to listen.

“My name ain't SaTia, sir. Ain't never met no girl got dat name. I'm Ella.”

My eyes shot open as I tried to figure out who had just come and spoken in front of my face. I'd heard SaTia's voice since middle school. I knew SaTia's voice, and this was not it. The bastard must have been quick, I thought. I looked around for some kind of clue as to which one of the slaves it might have been.

SaTia opened her mouth to speak again, and this time I kept my eyes open, ready to catch the prankster.

“She must meant a lot to you, sir.”

I stared at the woman in front of me for a long while, trying to figure out if I was in some sort of slave
Twilight Zone.
Finally, Aunt Sarah spoke up. She looked around the room as she spoke.

“Dis here be Ella,” she said. “Massa Talbert buy 'er a few weeks 'go. She gon' work in da big house mos' time, but she gon' be comin' round here mo' now...”

I dropped my head and raised my aching arms to cover my face with my hands. How could this woman not be SaTia? She looked just like SaTia, walked just like her, even had the same facial expressions.

“I think I'm losin' my mind,” I said while shaking my head.

“No you ain't.” Ella quickly responded, just as SaTia would've done. “I seen the ways you look at me while we was in da hut.
And I knows you ain't from here, too. Seems I favor some gal gotcha heart somethin' powerful where you from, sir.”

I nodded my head. “Yeah...SaTia...you look like SaTia.”

“Was she yo' wife?”

“Naw...naw, she was my...umm, my manager.”

Ella looked at me, confused. “S'cuse my ignorance, sir. Don't think I knows what dat is.”

“It...it don't matter...”

I was having a hard time. My mind was trying to accept that this wasn't SaTia, but my eyes contradicted any reasoning. In my confusion, I asked her a question that I'd reserved for my lost love. “How...how'd you get here?”

“Well, they tells me Massa Talbert come up on some extra monies and fix 'is mind on gettin' a new wench fo' the cold nights.” Ella's expression turned somber as she turned away from me. “I been able to 'void him so far, but...”

She shook her head, unable to finish her sentence. As the reality of what she'd said began to dawn on me, I turned to Aunt Sarah in disbelief. “Is that true?”

I could tell she didn't want to answer me, but the truth compelled her to speak.

“Yea. Da times Bradley spen' breakin' you, Massa Talbert ain't give 'im a red cent. Saved up enough money to buys Ella 'ere.”

I looked back at SaTia's twin with a different kind of horror.

“He...he been rapin' you?”

“Naw, not yet,” she said without looking at me.

It was all too much. Realizing the woman in front of me wasn't SaTia had been hard enough, but the thought of her getting raped nearly made me swallow my tongue. I used my makeshift cane and tried to stand up. Dizzy from all that had happened, and still weak from my healing bones, I fell back to the bed. Ella moved to help me, but I shrugged her off once again.

“No...no...you can't...I just...just need some air, man.”

Roka came across the room and grabbed me by the arm. Effortlessly, he lifted me to my feet.

“I take.”

With Roka holding up the majority of my weight, we made our way out of the door and into the night. Once we got down the steps, I pushed away from Roka, leaned against a tree and proceeded to vomit. My stomach balled itself into a fist and sprung open like five fingers as it forced its contents to the moist ground beneath me. When I was finished, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed and let the wind wash over me like a tsunami.

“Sick?”

Roka stood poised to take me wherever I needed to go.

“Naw, naw man, I'm okay. My head got a lil messed up, that's all. I think I'm good now.”

“Know girl?”

I thought about that two-word question for a moment. It was a question I had to eventually answer by the time I walked back into the cabin. I needed to have decided whether I knew the woman inside, sitting on the bed, or not. It took me five minutes to figure it out. When I looked back at Roka, he had stopped expecting an answer altogether.

“You know what, man? Naw. Naw, I don't think I know her. She could be twins with a girl I knew back when. But naw, I don't know her.”

Roka stared at me as I spoke, and grinned at me when I finished. “Yes, you do.”

I looked back at him, dumbfounded.

“What? What you say?”

He walked up to me again and grabbed my arm. “Come. Talk inside.”

“No! Why'd you say that?”

Roka tugged slightly on my arm. “Come. Talk inside.”

Knowing that going down this road would eventually lead to Roka forcing me up the stairs in some way, I decided to cut my losses and move my feet.

No one had moved during the time we had been outside. The field slaves stood their ground, Aunt Sarah had stayed seated, and Ella continued to try and wipe the look of impending doom off of her face. Roka made sure I was seated comfortably, and then walked to the middle of the room and faced Aunt Sarah.

“Need tell him.”

Aunt Sarah thought for a moment, probably trying to figure out what Roka was talking about. When the lightbulb flashed on, she whipped her head around to face Roka again and made her uncertainty clear. “You gonna tell 'im now? Wid all this hap'nin?”

“He ready.”

Aunt Sarah turned her head to face me, and examined me from head to toe. Her gaze probed me like a metal detector.

“Yea, he might be,” she conceded.

“Might be what?” Knowing they were talking about me, I broke into their conversation. “What you gotta tell me?”

Roka turned around and faced me.

“'Lizabeth gone now. Bradley kill her. She tell future 'fore she die.”

“Okay...”

“Say man come to set free slaves. Say he look like slave, but free inside. Say when man come, freedom next come.”

I looked at Roka as though he was telling me a riddle. “What are you talking about?”

“She say man come to set slaves free.”

“Okay, and what does that got to do with...”

It was my turn to experience the flashing lightbulb. I looked
from Roka to Aunt Sarah, and then to all the other faces in the room. “Wait a minute, y'all think I'm this guy she was talkin' about?”

Roka nodded his head.

“No
think
.
Know.”

“You know? How do you know?”

“Know inside.”

I vigorously shook my head, which made my entire upper body hurt. Despite that, I kept shaking it. “I'm sorry, man, but y'all got this all wrong. Whatever dude you think I am, I ain't. I don't even know how the hell I got here, and y'all think I'm s'posed to get you out? Do you not see me right now? I can't tell my head from my toes! I piss myself whenever a white man come in the room, and I'm lookin' at a girl who I swear I'm in love with—just in another life—and you think I'm who?”

I had gotten angry without realizing it. My breathing became heavy and I started talking in spurts. My emotions were erratic as I sat there on top of the bed, and before I knew it, I had no control over them at all, and started breaking down in front a captivated audience.

My eyes blurred and my head shot back and forth. I laughed and cried and screamed and moaned with such randomness that even Roka took a step back. I began yelling at everyone like an angry coach. My eyes went twice as wide as normal and I flailed my arms around like a wild man. The adrenaline curbed the pain that I should have been feeling. “What the hell do you all want from me, man? I mean, really—what do you want? You want me to go back home and take y'all wid me? I would but guess what? I can't! I don't even know how the hell to get back home. You think if I did, I'd still be stuck here? I don't even know if I can get back home. I don't even know where my home is anymore.
Far as I can tell, I'm stuck here forever. I don't even know what's real anymore. Hey Moe, are you a rap star or you a slave? Do you run the town, or do you get whipped by stank white dudes? Who the hell are you, Moe? Who the hell are you? You confused, pissy lil' punk. Hahahahahahaha! Get back in your cage, boy. Git! Git! I'm the incredible, unbelievable ape nigger! Hahaha hahahaha! Pay a dime and you can cut my nuts off and hang 'em on top of your fireplace. Where the weed at, my nigga? Gimme an ounce and three bottles so we can keep the party poppin'. Hey, yo, Bradley. Lemme get blazed before you put da rope 'round my neck, my nigga. We give new meanin' to gettin' hung high. Hoes in da attic, baby! Hoes in da attic, hoes in da cabin, hoes in da shack. Hoes gettin' strung up and whipped on they back. I ain't met a hoe since I got here, what type of stuff is dat...hahaha... ahahahahahahaha...AHAHAHAHAHA!”

I threw myself back onto the bed and continued to laugh heartily.

By the time I was done, I had succeeded in making everyone question my sanity. The five field slaves looked at one another, trying to determine the best way to deal with me. Aunt Sarah and Ella sat beside each other, staring at me with a touch of fear in their eyes. Roka looked over at me from where he was standing, but kept his face as expressionless as stone.

Tom and Buck started to move forward, but Roka held out his arm to stop them.

“I take him.” Roka stepped forward and paused to see if I'd react.

Aunt Sarah stood up from her seat. “I'll go on with y'all, see if da boy done lost 'is wits.”

Roka nodded, and took two more steps in my direction. I continued to chuckle as I lay on the bed. Ella stood up next, and watched as Aunt Sarah began making her way toward me.

“I better head on back to da big house 'fore they starts lookin' for me,” she said.

She gathered all of her things and prepared to leave, but stopped short of walking out of the door. She lingered in the corner, watching me.

Roka was up to the edge of the bed now. I stared at the ceiling, laughing at nothing. He spoke softly. “You...hear...?”

My light chuckles morphed into heavy breathing and a wide smile. “Yeah, Roka, I can hear you.”

“Okay?”

It was a question I didn't exactly know how to answer. Was I okay? I'd felt as though I'd broken with reality for a moment, and it had given me a high. But I knew it wasn't real.

“Okay?” he repeated.

He was trying to make a decision about me. He and Aunt Sarah looked at me with different eyes now. Having a mental break, on top of everything else I'd been through, could be too much for even them to handle. They waited to see the extent of my lunacy.

I had stopped laughing and my smile was gone, but my head still felt as if it was in that five second period after it awakens from a beautiful dream, unsure of what's real and what's not. I had to decide which side to live in, and I had to decide now.

“You...”

“Yeah, yeah, Roka, I'm good, man. I'm good. I jus' need a second to get my head straight; that's all.”

He seemed satisfied, and reached out his hand toward me. “Come. Take back.”

I hesitated for a moment, but his hand never wavered. When I finally lifted my arm and stretched it out, he grabbed my hand with his gentle strength and pulled me to my feet. He held up
most of my weight again as I made my way to the door. “Come. Rest. Know tomorrow more.”