Anomaly (24 page)
I stare at the door because I cannot continue to stare at my violin. I didn’t hear the normal click that signals the door has locked. So I step forward and check the door to see if it is unlocked. It is. I close my eyes and sigh. I want to see John. I need his reassurance that everything will be all right. I walk toward his room, hope filling the places deep inside that were beginning to die. But then I stop in the middle of the hallway.
I can’t go there. The new Thalli doesn’t know John. If I were to be seen talking with John, the Assistants would report it to Dr. Loudin. He would know his surgery failed. That I lied to him. That Berk lied to him. I cannot go.
My heart is heavy and I turn back, trying to appear disoriented in case someone happens to be monitoring the hallway. For added believability, I pass my room and open the room three doors from mine.
My intention is to open it, see that it isn’t my room, and then shut the door. But when I open it, I gasp. I cannot stop myself. I
can’t believe what I see. Who I see. I turn around and shut the door quickly. But it is too late. She saw me. She is coming to the door, calling my name.
I have to ignore her voice, get back to my room, not appear at all shocked that there, three doors down, is Rhen.
I
crawl onto the sleeping platform, making a show of yawning. I act cold and wrap the blankets around my shoulders, shiver, then place them over my head. I feel my skull for the hole. Surely this is another simulation. There is the hole. This is real?
No. It can’t be real. It is an advanced simulation. The Scientists recreated this level, this room, Rhen, and they programmed me to be able to feel the tiny hole in my head so I will believe this is real. But it can’t be. It’s impossible.
Rhen is dead. She was annihilated, along with all of Pod C. Unless that isn’t true either. Maybe I have been in the
simulation since I came here. Maybe all of it is false. Progress, Stone, the destruction of Pod C, the problem with the oxygen. The surgery to erase my memory. John. Jesus. Berk.
Did falling in love with Berk happen under simulation? Did knowing Jesus happen under simulation? Tears roll down my cheeks and I hold the blanket closer, trying to keep my breathing steady so those watching the cameras will think I am asleep and not know that I am falling apart.
I try to think back to when I discovered the simulation wasn’t real. I couldn’t find the thread. But how did I know Progress was a simulation? John and Berk told me. What if Progress is real but the Scientists don’t want me to know, so they simulated those conversations with John and Berk?
But why would they simulate conversations about the Designer? About love? They are opposed to those ideas. But why would they simulate an entire world above either? None of the scenarios seem to make any sense. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I want to pray. But if none of this happened, if none of this is real, then how do I know there is even a Designer to pray to?
I close my eyes and sense him there. He
is
real. Even if the conversations with John and Berk weren’t, I know this is. I know it in a way that is beyond logic. In a way Rhen would never understand.
Rhen. My body stiffens.
If she is alive, everything that came before was a simulation. If she is not alive, then this is a simulation.
I reach for my arm. Still lifeless. Maybe the simulation just started this morning. I try to remember what I ate last night. Something that put me to sleep so I could be transported back
here, be made to think my arm is dead, that I am having brain surgery, that I saw Rhen? But why? What would the purpose of that be?
The door opens. I remain still, hoping I appear asleep so that whoever is there will leave.
“Thalli?” It is Berk. But the new Thalli doesn’t know him, except as a Scientist. If the new Thalli is real, if she isn’t part of a simulation. Which, of course, I don’t know. Because, apparently, I don’t know anything. I can’t even tell the difference between reality and simulation.
I hear Berk again. Calling me. The cameras are watching. What do they expect to see? Do I know him or not? “Are you awake?”
I feel Berk settle on the edge of my sleeping platform. His hand is on my calf. I lower the blanket slightly, my eyes peering out, wondering how to respond.
“It’s all right,” Berk whispers. “The cameras in this wing are experiencing some technical difficulties.”
I wrinkle my brow. “What?”
“We can talk.” Berk pulls the covers off my head. “I shut down the cameras.”
I scoot away from Berk, my back pressed against the wall, the covers clutched in my right hand.
“What’s wrong?”
I bite my lip. He looks so real. I want to tell him everything. But Stone looked real too. So did Rhen. How do I know this isn’t a test, with Dr. Loudin watching from his pad deep inside his laboratory?
Berk leans forward. He looks just like Berk, even the gold flecks in his eyes are right. He smells like Berk’s soap. I want to
reach out to him. But I can’t. My whole body feels as dead as my arm. I feel so frightened. So alone.
Berk places his hand on my arm. “Rhen is alive.”
My heart races. I want so much to believe this is true. But if this is a simulation, then neither she nor Berk is real. This is just an experiment. A test.
“I saw her.” I refuse to look Berk in the eye. “But I don’t believe she is real.”
“Of course she’s real.” Berk’s hand reaches for mine.
I pull away. “How do I know?”
“What?” Berk looks confused, hurt.
“How do I know Rhen is real?” I am fighting tears, fighting a desire to fall into Berk’s arms. I use my good arm to pull my knees to my chest and make myself as small as possible. “How do I know this isn’t a simulation?”
“A simulation?” His voice breaks. I am hurting him. I don’t mean to. But I have to know the truth.
“Yes.” I pull my knees in tighter. “The last time you said I was in a simulation, in Progress, it all felt real. Just as real as this. But it wasn’t. So how do I know this isn’t just another simulation?”
“You think I am a simulation?” Berk’s face falls. But I can’t give in.
“I know there is a real Berk. But I don’t know which memories are real and which are fake.”
“I am real, Thalli.” Berk inches closer, his hands on my face. “We are real. This is real.”
I don’t want to cry, but I can’t help it. “How do I know?”
Berk wipes a tear from my eye and then stands, pulling out his pad. “Give me a minute.”
He is tapping, tapping. His face looks sad, resigned. The wall screen in front of me comes on and I see Progress. The town, the people walking around. The view changes and I see the mountains, the movie theater in the distance. I smell the popcorn. Then I see Stone walking toward me, smiling. His white teeth bright against his dark skin.
My hand comes to my throat. “How did you do that?”
“I have access to the Progress simulation.” Berk speaks so quietly I can barely hear him.
“Why?”
“I am a Scientist in training.” Berk shrugs. “I have access to almost everything.”
I can’t speak. Berk turns off the screen and sits back on the edge of my sleeping platform. “But I didn’t know Dr. Loudin was testing on you until you told me. I promise. After I watched Dr. Loudin that day, I tapped into the simulation program. To make sure there weren’t any more he was planning to put you in.”
I drop my arm. Slowly. “This isn’t a simulation?”
“No.”
“None of this has been a simulation?”
Berk holds my face in his hands. “We are not a simulation. What we feel is not a simulation.”
I want to cry and jump and shout. But those thoughts are crowded out by another thought. “Rhen is alive?”
Berk holds my good hand with both of his. “She was taken a few days before Pod C was eliminated. She is sick.”
I remember hearing the strange sound that came from her mouth. The same thing Asta had. I remember trying to hide that from the Monitors, trying to convince her not to tell
anyone. With me gone, she must have decided to follow her logic and turn herself in. “What is going to happen to her?”
Berk won’t look at me. I hear what he is saying without him having to say it. Rhen is going to be annihilated.
“No.” I jump out of the sleeping platform, nearly tripping from the weight of my arm. “She can’t have survived the pod’s elimination to be sent here to die. We have to do something. We have to save her.”
“I am trying.” Berk sighs. “I’ve been trying.”
“She’s much smarter than I am.” My voice is loud, but I can’t quiet it. “Convince Dr. Loudin that she is necessary.”
Berk walks to me, then places his hands on my shoulders. “I don’t want to see her annihilated any more than you do.”
“I need to see her.” I pull away, walk toward the door. Berk grabs my dead arm and pulls me back.
“You can’t go there right now.” He rubs my arm. I feel nothing. He realizes that and transfers his hand to my good arm. “You don’t remember her.”
“But the cameras. You said the whole wing was having technical difficulties.”
“Yes, but what if someone sees you walk over there? Or walk back? We can’t take any more risks.”
I know he is right. But I don’t like it. “But it’s Rhen.” I fall into Berk’s arms.
“I know,” he whispers into my ear. “You and she made a great team in Pod C. I am going to advocate to Dr. Loudin that that team remain intact.”
“But how did she survive this long?” Pod C’s termination was over a week ago.
“Testing.” Berk helps me walk to the couch. We both sit.
“The Scientists always test those with illnesses. They want to know what caused it and how to prevent that particular malformation in the next generation.”
“Is hers serious?”
“Not at all.” Berk turns to face me, hope lighting his face. “It is very minor. That is why I believe I can make a solid case for her being allowed to remain here and work with you. She was given an antiquated form of medication and is showing almost no signs of illness at all anymore.”
I think of Asta, annihilated for the same “malformation.” Could she have been cured with a medication? Allowed to return back to us? If the solution was that easy, why annihilate her in the first place?
“What are you thinking about?” Berk turns on the couch so he is facing me.
“Asta.” I swallow. I can see her in the simulation. Her curly hair, her bright smile. “If the cure is so simple . . .”
“The Scientists fear illness.” Berk shakes his head. “They can be contagious, wipe out whole pods. Or worse. That’s why they have taken such care to design us without the propensity to get sick.”
“Just like they have designed us without the propensity to feel or question?” I raise my eyebrows at Berk.
“I am not saying I agree.” Berk shrugs.
“When you are one of the Scientists, you can change that.” I hold Berk’s hand. “Right?”
“I will be one of The Ten.” Berk looks down at my fingers laced in his. “I don’t know if I’ll have that kind of power.”
“You have to try.” My voice is getting louder, but I can’t help it. “That could be your purpose. Maybe the Designer has you in this position to save people like Asta.”
I can tell Berk is thinking. And I can also tell that I need to speak of something else, give him time to process this. I release his hand and lean back. “Tell me about my surgery.”
“What?” Berk was still thinking about his future, I am sure.
“My surgery. I want to know what to expect.”
“Dr. Loudin will go back into your brain and remove the scar tissue.” Berk says this in his Scientist voice.
“What are the risks?”
Berk laughs. “You ask a lot of questions.”
“I thought that was a good thing.”
“It is a good thing.” He leans into me. “Everything about you is good.”
“Stop trying to change the subject.” I smile.
“He’ll be in your brain.” Berk leans forward, his hands on his knees. “It’s delicate.”
“What could happen?”
“I don’t know.” Berk stands. “Hopefully nothing other than removing the scar tissue and restoring the feeling in your arm.”
“But?” I can tell there is more. I know when Berk is holding back information.
“You didn’t respond the way he expected during the first surgery.” Berk is staring at the floor. “But he doesn’t know why.”
“So I might be in danger?”
Berk runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know.”
Panic rushes through me. “Give me the worst possible scenario.”
Berk shakes his head. “No. I can’t think like that.”
“Do we tell him the first surgery didn’t work?”
Berk looks at me. “If we do, then you won’t be useful anymore.
He’ll either annihilate you or use you for even more invasive experiments. We can’t take that chance.”
“Tell me the worst that could happen.” I hold my dead arm against my stomach. “I need to know.”
“You could get worse.” Berk sits back down next to me. “You could lose your eyesight. You could lose feeling in another limb. You could lose memory or motor function.”
