Anna's Visions (13 page)

The first time she slipped into the saddle, she said,
“I forgive you, Henry. I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and I’m glad
Grammy talked Poppy out of shooting you. You’re my buddy.”

Tori mounted Henry, nudged him in the side with her
heel, and said, “You don’t have to circle the pond and bring me back to the
barn. We can ride as far as we want.”

Henry whinnied, and she didn’t know if he were
laughing or agreeing, but he took her into the woods, crossed the creek, and
they went all the way to the neighboring farm.

* * * *

Friday morning, Tori awoke, packed some clothes, and
asked Grammy to drive her home. She was anxious to be back on Maple Street and
excited to see her bedroom again.

Her mother had ridden to work with her dad, leaving
her car so Tori could go to the beauty shop. Tori’s hair resembled a tangled
mop, and she wanted something sassy when Wes got home.

The hairdresser shortened and layered her hair to just
below her ears. Tori admired the new style in the mirror. “I love it! I hope
Wes likes it, too.”

“He’ll love it,” the hairdresser said.

“I think so.” Tori paid the tab and headed home to
pick out a sexy outfit.

In her room she opened the closet and pushed hanger
after hanger aside, hoping she could find the perfect outfit that would make
Wes’ eyes pop. She finally chose a navy blue mini-shirt, slipped it over her
hips, and zipped it. Then she pulled a light-blue shell over her head, careful
not to mess her hair. She then applied her full regalia of makeup, maybe using
a bit too much, but she didn’t care. She needed to blow Wes’ socks off when he
first laid eyes on her.

When she was done, she stared at her reflection in the
floor-length mirror for a long time. The skirt didn’t fit as tightly as it once
had, and she hoped Wes wouldn’t be turned off by her weight loss. She knew
skinny was in, but she was a bag of bones.

By six o’clock, Tori
was
sitting on the porch where she used to wait for Wes during their high school
days. She began to chew her nails, but then realized she was messing up the
polish, so she nervously sat on her hands for a few moments until they began to
tingle.

She ran into the house and pulled a piece of gum out
of a pack on the kitchen table. She wanted sweet breath, but she also hoped it
would help her stop biting her nails.

She went back outside and sat on the top step. A
moment later, she was pulling a string of gum out of her mouth and twirling it
like she used to do when she was a child. Her nerves were about to snap.

It was almost seven o’clock when Wes finally pulled
into the driveway. Tori
stood,
her knees weak and her
stomach doing flip-flops, wondering if she should throw herself into his arms
or wait for him to reach for her first.

He got out of the car slowly and walked toward her,
not making eye contact. He stood at the bottom of the steps, looked up, and
said, “Hello,” as if she were a stranger.

“Hi, yourself,” Tori said, smiling as she walked down
the steps and reached for his hand.

He placed a limp hand into hers, but when she covered
his hand with her other one, he quickly drew it back. He tucked his head and
scratched his ear with his index finger as he shuffled his weight back and
forth. “I–” He stopped talking as if someone had shoved a sock into his mouth.

“Please come on in the house, Wes. Momma and Daddy are
looking forward to seeing you,” Tori said, feeling sorry for his obvious
discomfort.

He dutifully followed her into the house, but as they
stood in the living room, he tucked his hands behind his back as if he didn’t
want Tori to touch them again.

When her parents came into the living room and invited
him to stay for supper, he said, “I’m afraid I’ll have to decline this time,
but thank you. In fact, I need to be on my way. My parents are waiting for me.”
He turned and headed for the front door.

Tori hurried outside behind him, and as he started
down the steps, she yelled, “Wes what is wrong with you? Why are you acting
like this? I don’t understand. Do you hate me? What did I do to you?”

Wes stopped when he reached the bottom step and looked
up at her. “No, Tori, I don’t hate you. A part of me will always love you, but
I don’t think I can be around you anymore. You emphatically told me to get out
of your life, and you told me you hated me at least a hundred times over the
past five months and you blamed me for everything that happened.”

Tori stood paralyzed. What was he talking about?

He continued, “Now you call me up and tell me you want
everything back the way it was? I’m sorry, but I just can’t take it anymore.
It’s over! I can’t change my feelings according to your whims.”

“Wes,” she pleaded, “I don’t want you out of my life.
I’ve been out of my mind for the last five months. I don’t remember anything –
and I especially don’t remember blaming you for anything. I can’t remember any
of it, don’t you understand? I never want you out of my life. There
is
no life without you. I’m sorry I hurt you, but–”

“You’re sorry you hurt me? Well, that’s news to me
after all this time. I don’t know what to believe, but this time I think you’re
one sorry too late.”

Tori bristled, her hurt and anger rising.
“Why didn’t you tell me all this on the phone?
Why did you
come over here if you don’t want anything to do with me? Did you want to see me
beg? Is that what you want?”

He didn’t answer her for a long moment, and then he
smiled condescendingly. “No, Tori, begging
isn’t
one
of your virtues. Neither is apologizing, apparently. I came because I wanted to
know how I’d feel when I saw you.”

“I said I was sorry. Isn’t that an apology?” Tori
wiped tears from her cheeks. “What do you feel? Do you feel anything for me?”
More tears ran and her anger flared as she realized she was acting pathetic
trying to beg her husband to love her.

Wes kept his voice calm as he said, “I’m sorry, too,
Tori, but it’s over. I do wish you the best and I hope you’ll be happy.” He
turned and walked toward his car, never looking back.

Tori was
numb and unable to move as she watched him drive away.
He couldn’t be leaving her for good – he just couldn’t. She leaned against a
pillar and laid her face against the cool bricks, tears streaming down her
cheeks. “What have I done to us? Love is supposed to conquer all. I’m sorry
Wes. I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

Tori didn’t remember any of the things that Wes had
accused her of, but she knew he was telling the truth. Shame filled her as she
brushed a tear. “You take the bow. I’ll take the blame,” she said, and hung her
head, wondering if she would ever raise it again. In that moment she even
wanted to die.

Tori rushed into the house, took the stairs two at a
time, hoping Momma didn’t run after her. She didn’t. Tori guessed her mother
understood that she needed to be alone. And it wouldn’t have taken a brain
surgeon to figure out there was trouble in the love department, since she
didn’t leave with Wes.

Tori paced the bedroom floor, bit her nails, and felt
herself sliding back into the pit of darkness – and this time she wasn’t sure
if she could find the strength to climb back out.

She stumbled through the next week on automation,
simply breathing in and breathing out, putting one foot in front of the other,
wondering how it could all be over.

Then her anger kicked in.

She wasn’t about to let Wes walk away as if she were
nothing more than a stray mutt he had grown tired of. She sat on the edge of
her bed, her mind racing faster than a hamster in a wheel. “Hum – wonder how
he’ll react when he’s served with divorce papers? Maybe that’ll shock him back
to his senses?”

Tori ran downstairs, grabbed the phone book from the
kitchen counter, and flipped to the yellow pages. She ran her finger down the
list of lawyers. Her index finger lingered on the name of Larry Lawson.

Her fingers trembled as she dialed the number and she
could barely find her voice when the receptionist answered. She asked for an
appointment, and was told to come in at two o’clock the next afternoon.

“Step one complete,” Tori said as she set the receiver
down. “Tomorrow the game begins.” She blew a hard breath as she sank into a
chair and propped her elbows on the table, wishing she could slide into a coma.

Tori spent the rest of the day in a haze. She didn’t
mention her plan to Jill. For the first time since they were in first grade,
Tori hadn’t asked for Jill’s opinion.

That night she tossed and turned, wondering if she was
crazy – or if Wes was crazy.

The next morning she awoke, glad Momma was at work,
glad her mother had no idea what she had up her sleeve. She paced the floor and
chewed her nails to the quick before she left for the lawyer’s office.

Her hands trembled so hard she could barely keep the
car in the right lane. She arrived at the office at exactly two o’clock.

Larry Lawson asked a few questions, then filled out
the necessary papers and had Tori sign them. After she signed, Mr. Lawson said,
“Since there are no children or property involved, it should be quick and
easy.”

Tori smiled
weakly, secretly angry with Larry Lawson for doing what she was paying him to
do.
She left the office, drove
to the bank, and withdrew some of her savings account. She tried to imagine
Wes’ shock when he received the divorce papers. He’d have ten days to either
sign the papers or contest the divorce. She just knew he’d beg her to stop the
procedure.

As the days went by, however, she began to wonder why
she still hadn’t heard from him. Maybe he wanted her to squirm until the last
minute, but it didn’t matter. She knew he’d never let his queen go.

One Friday morning, Tori
was
sitting in her dad’s recliner, munching on a bag of chips and twisting the
studs in her recently pierced ears. She wore a new pair of short shorts and a
halter-top. She’d been sunbathing and had a good start on a nice tan. She
wanted to look her best when Wes showed up that night to proclaim his undying
love – as she was sure he would do.

She heard the mail carrier drop something into the
mailbox and jumped from the chair, kicking over a soda can. Tori ran to the
mailbox, her heart beating so hard she could hear it in her ears. She reached
inside the mailbox, her hands trembling as she withdrew a white envelope that
born the return address of Larry Lawson Attorney at Law
.
Her hands
trembled harder as she withdrew the paper, knowing it was a contention. She was
shocked when she read the heading:
Final Judgment of Divorce.

“What!” she screamed. It had to be a mistake. Her mind
reeled as she read the decree. She was a divorced woman! She was stunned,
speechless. When she finally found her voice, she yelled, “I hate you, Wesley
Asner!
You spineless jellyfish!”

She ran upstairs, opened the top drawer of the chest,
threw the envelope into it, and slammed it closed. She sat on the edge of the
bed, her tears flowing uncontrollably. She wasn’t a queen or even a princess –
she was just a pathetic peasant girl who had been cast aside by the man she
loved.

She sat in a stupor. How had her life gotten so off
track? What was she going to do? She was only half a person without Wes.
Suddenly, the room seemed to be closing in on her, trying to squeeze the last
breath of life from her body.

She ran downstairs, out the front door and stood in
the front yard, turning in circles. Everything she saw, every sound she heard,
every way she turned was torture.

“Too many
memories of the four musketeers.
One musketeer defected,” she mumbled. She turned her body full circle again.
Everything and everybody was a reminder of how life used to be. Life would
never be the same for her.

She went back inside, slowly climbed the stairs, and
headed for her room. She sat on the edge of the bed, studied for a few minutes,
and then decided it was time for her to spread her wings – test unfamiliar
waters. She was no longer Tori Asner – She was Tori Hicks, again. But who was
Tori Hicks? She didn’t have a clue.

The more she thought about it, the madder she got. “So
be
it,” she said, then smugly added, “Keep on bowing,
Wes. Your day will come.” And there were no more tears.

She walked over to the vanity and stared into the
mirror. “Well, Grammy, mine and Wes’ forever lasted a little over four years.”

Anna’s Note

April 20, 1976

For the first time in eighteen years my heart is
finally at ease. I’ve put together the flashes I saw the day Tori was born.
It’s behind us now. I thank God that we didn’t need the coffin for Tori. I can
live out the rest of my life in peace.

The day Tori packed and returned home with her parents
was a happy and sad day for me. The sparkle in her eyes warmed my heart, but I
didn’t want to let her go. I miss her dreadfully, but I realize I have to turn
loose and let her get on with her life. She’s a grown woman now. It’s hard for
a grandmother to accept, but I know I have to. I find myself longing for the
days when she was a tiny baby and I was holding her in my arms and singing
lullabies as we rocked.