AnguiSH (19 page)

             
“I thought you wanted to get out of this house?” His voice cracked a little.

             
“I do,” Now I couldn’t
stop
looking at his lips.

             
“Then we need to leave, like now.” He grabbed my hand and practically dragged me from the house.  We reached the car and he surprised me by taking the keys from me.

             
“May I?”  He dangled them in front of my face.

             
“Definitely.” I answered.

             
He drove like he’d done it every day.  His hand found my thigh soon after leaving the house.  He moved it up and down the whole way and by the time we reached the theater, I needed air. 

             
We decided on the latest comedy about guys who went to Vegas.  He bee-lined for the snack bar, winking at me, letting me know he remembered.  He knew my love for junk food.  He ordered the biggest vat of popcorn available with extra butter, a large Coke and Raisinets. 

             
“How’d you know I love those?” 

             
“I didn’t.  I just wanted you to get something halfway healthy.” 

             
We went into the right door and there was no one in the theater.  I pretended not to hear his sigh. 

             
“Pick a spot,” I said over my shoulder.

             
“Middle, middle,” He said.  I would never admit how childish it was of me to be disappointed that he hadn’t said, ‘In the back where I can ravish you.’.  No, wasn’t happening.

             
We sat through the trivia and he got them wrong.  It was amazing how behind he was on the times. 

             
“When did they start doing all this before movie testing?  I feel like I’m not gonna move to the next grade or get to watch the movie if I don’t pass.”

             
He stole my Raisinets and a handful of my popcorn—they had all become my property and put a half handful of each in his mouth at the same time. 

             
I just stared at him while he chewed.  That could not be good.  He finally swallowed, I knew because I’d become fascinated all the sudden with his Adam’s apple. 

             
“It’s good.  Try it.” He grabbed my soda and took a long drag.

             
“I’m glad I’m not a germaphobe.” I quipped.

             
“Me too, but it’s kinda too late if you are.”

             
The fake curtains pulled back and the lights went down.  He looked over at me throughout the movie and I wondered what he was up to.  I’d decimated the popcorn and the Raisinets before the movie even started good. 

             
He raised the partition between us and opened his arms for me and I nestled into them.  When he laughed, which was often during that movie, his chest bustled me this way and that. 

             
The movie’s plot slowed down at one point and he squeezed me around my waist. 

             
“I love being here with you like this.  Feels normal.”

             
I pulled his arms around me tighter.  With our non-stop references to sex, this was a welcome change.  Despite the fun we always had going back and forth, I had to admit I loved sweet Breaker. 

             
I love Breaker
.  The thought made me freeze.  I moved out of his arms and back to my chair.

             
“Are you okay?” He whispered.

             
“Yeah—uh—cramp.” 

             
“Liar.” He called me out but didn’t push for more. 

             
I spent the rest of the movie with my arms wrapped around my knees, in complete denial.  I didn’t mean to.  I meant to come in keep the house clean and get Breaker out of the house, on the road to being healed.  That’s what Mrs. Stick Up Her Ass paid me for.  She paid me pretty damn well to do it too.               

             
It had worked.  I got him out of the house.  And somehow I’d gotten lost in his gray eyes, in his humor, in his desire for me.  Instead of just doing a job, he’d worked one over on me. 

             
Now I had to figure out a way to tell him. 

             
“You’re acting weird.” He bumped me with his arm.

             
“Huh,” I answered.  I wondered if he felt the same way.  I wondered if I had a shot in hell of having him love me. 

             
“I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

             
I looked at him like he was—well—nuts.  “What are you sorry for?”

             
He started laughing, “I don’t know.  I just figured it was safe.”

             
“What a goof.  I just had a revelation—about you I might add----and you’re apologizing.  What in the hell makes a person apologize for no reason?”

             
He took my face in his hands and it was mirror image déjà vu.  I’d done this to him several times now to calm him down. 

             
“Tell me what’s wrong.”

             
“I can’t.”

             
“Ok, well, let’s go.  I think you need some air.”

             
He took me by the hand and we rushed outside.  I latched onto him as soon as I’d breathed a while. 

             
“Tell me what happened.  If I did something, you have to tell me.  I never want to hurt you.”

             
“It’s nothing wrong.  You didn’t do anything but maybe make me fall in love with you.  But you can’t really make someone do that.  And it’s not like you were set on doing that.  It just hit me in the theater and it freaked me out.  And then I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I couldn’t just leave.  And you probably don’t feel the same, so it’s not a big deal.  I mean, I shouldn’t have even told you.”

             
He held up his hands, “Shut up Ash.”

             
Well didn’t that just scratch my glass. 

             
“What did you just say? Don’t you ever tell me to shut up you—you—you weird named boy.”

             
“Ashland!  I was just trying to make you stop.  You were running your mouth so fast, I thought you were gonna hurt yourself.  Plus, you just said the most mind blowing thing and then it got creamed by all that blathering.”

             
I covered my face with my hands and whimpered, “Can we just go home?”

Breaker

             
The timing couldn’t be worse.  But she was coming unglued about some phantom revelation she had in the middle of the movie.  And she was on this word rampage when I heard it.  She said I made her fall in love with me.  And then she had the audacity to say that I probably didn’t feel the same way. 

             
And all I could think about was how beautiful she was.  How feminine her hands were while she was flailing them about, getting her point across.  And her hip, that one right hip, the one I’d not twenty four hours ago had my hand on, was cocked out.  Even her hip had attitude. 

             
She asked to be taken home and I couldn’t believe how ok I was with going home or staying. 

             
But she loved me and I felt ten feet tall.

             
I didn’t say anything back to her on the way home.  I just drove her home in silence.  I parked her car in its regular spot.  I could hear thunder clap and rumble in the distance and I knew a good Louisiana thunderstorm was on its way.

             
“Do you need some time or do you want me to stay?”

             
“Stay—the answer will always be stay.” She directed her plea to the window though she meant me.

             
We sat there for an hour or so and I worried that she regretted her words.  Screw the panic attacks, her not loving me was now my biggest fear. 

             
“I’m ready to go in.” 

             
I opened the driver’s side door and followed her inside.  This was certainly not the way I wanted this date to go. 

             
She high tailed it towards her room and I heard a shard of my heart start to break away.

             
She regretted it.

             
I went to my room and the air in it was now stifling.  It choked me.  So instead of fleeing it, what did I do?  I smothered myself in it, wrapped myself in my comforter and forced sleep to come get me. 

             
I woke up in the middle of the night to a pitch black room and I couldn’t hear the air conditioning running.  I got up to check the breaker box but it was all fine.  I used my cell phone to light my way back to my room and saw another light coming up the stairs. 

             
“Ash?” I called out in the dark.

             
“Breaker?  Shit! My phone just died.”

             
“I’m coming.” I made my way down a couple of stairs and wrapped my arm around her waist to help guide her.

             
We got into my room and I realized I hadn’t given a second thought to her coming to my room in the middle of the night.  We reached my bed and I hesitated. 

             
“I was sitting up in my bed and I hate the thunder and then all the lights shut off.  It freaked me out.  Can I just sit in here until the lights come back on?”

             
I chuckled at her, “Didn’t we just sleep together night before last?  Why so shy all the sudden? “

             
“I don’t know.”

             
“Come on, get in.”

             
I got in bed and pulled the cover back for her.  She got in but stayed frozen on her side, not touching me.  And they said I was the goon?

             
“Hey, look at me.” She turned only her head while the rest of her stayed rigid.  I couldn’t see it but I could hear her head turn on the pillow.  “What?”

             
“You know when you tell a guy you’re in love with him it’s supposed to be all bliss and making out, not ice cubery and stranger danger.”

             
“I was pretending that you didn’t hear that.”

             
“Oh, I see.  So, we’re going to pretend that the woman I love didn’t completely make me feel validated when she said she was in love with me.  That’s fine.  Commence the imaginary bullshit.”

             
I turned over, faking my anger.  I was so close to the edge of the bed, I was damn near about to fall off. 

             
“I was just supposed to have this summer job.  I didn’t plan this.”  She was on the verge of crying.  I crossed my arms over my chest to keep from comforting her. 

             
“That’s the best kind.  The love you didn’t plan on.” I said, watching the lightning flash outside.

             
“Shit, I’m sorry.  I screwed this whole thing up.”  I turned over but stayed in my place, butt hanging off the mattress and everything.

             
“It’s ok.  So just tell me now, no fear, no hesitation.”

             
“You’re too far away.” I could feel her turn towards me.

             
So I scooted closer on the bed and reached out for her.  I grabbed her leg and felt nothing but skin—nothing else.  I didn’t know at what part of her leg it was but I grabbed it and dragged her closer to me.  “It’s just three words, baby.  Tell me.”

             
“It’s five.” Her hand ran up my stomach and ran the span of my chest as she said it, “Breaker James, I love you.”