Angst (34 page)

“Exactly how did I do this to you, when I was a VIRGIN,
asshole,” I grate back.

“You’re full of fucking shit, Victoria. Keep telling
yourself that if it makes you feel better, but clearly you’re the one who was fucking
around with dirty, disgusting people like Brad,” he bites back, teeth bared.

“Yeah…I conjured that blood out of thin air, that’s how much
of a skilled liar I am,” I growl in a low voice. I’m not sure I have the energy
to fight, but I am sure he has the desire to push me far enough that I might.

“Maybe you were on your period. Shit...there are other
reasons why that might have happened. Tell me right now…were you really a
virgin or did you do this to me? Did you sleep with Brad Winter?” he demands.

“We’ve already been through this, asshole, fuck off,” I
reply tightly.

“Fuckintellme again,” he snarls and it almost sounds like
one word. He’s facing me now, hands in pockets, shoulders tense, straight on,
wanting answers, demanding them. God he’s good looking when he’s angry, his
brown eyes glinting, muscles tense, somehow powerful, physically so. And why do
I have to notice?
He’s being a Goddamned bastard!

“I already told you the truth. I’ve never been with anyone. Out
of the two of us, who has fucked more people ‘Mr. I dunno between 5 and 10’?” Clearly
you had this and gave it to me, so, fuck you, Jared,” I seethe. I’m still not
quite rising to the challenge of this brewing screaming match.

“You’re such a fuckin liar! I’ve never noticed anything
wrong and I’ve always used protection, plus with the way I’ve seen you act, God
knows where you’ve been.”

“Sure, yeah, you use protection every time, like when we
did, right?” I snarl, leaning back on the couch now, boneless. I can’t believe
he is pulling this shit with me. I’m silent for a minute just looking up at
him, my mouth hanging open for a moment before I close it with a snap. I hadn’t
been sure what to expect, but I hadn’t really counted on this. He’s turned away
now and his back is very tense and he seems super pissed and larger than life. I
feel a sick dread, heavy and real, like watching a car get totaled in slow
motion…
this…is… emotional wreckage.
I wonder what he’ll say next. He
turns again and leans over me on the couch, fists resting on top, staring down
at me, his eyes hard in the bright lamp, like pure violence. I know he won’t
hurt me, physically, but my emotions…are another matter altogether.

“Tell me again how you’ve never been with anyone? How all
the guys I’ve seen you with never fucked you. Tell me again Victoria how you
were never with Brad,” he says with a tiny sarcastic grin.

“Fuck OFF!!” I say, pushing my palms against his hard chest
so he will let me get up. He doesn’t move at first, glaring at me and finally
he does and I struggle to stand, facing him, tense now myself and starting to
get really pissed. “I can’t believe you, you fuckin asshole. You’ve ruined my
life, cocksucker. I hate you,” I yell.

“Seriously? Seriously? That’s what you have to say? You’ve
ruined several months of my life, playing fucking mind games. I hate you too,”
he bites out, eyes blazing. “God, this was just what I needed after that
fucking bitch, two in one year,” he says groaning.

“What the hell does that mean?! Just tell me the truth,
Jared… right now! Why does Brad piss you off? What is your fucking deal with
me, calling me a slut? And who is this other fucking bitch?…God, fuck you, you
make me...crazy!” I yell. I’m staring at him and he’s avoiding my eyes,
standing there, arms crossed. Finally he looks up, sneering.

“What is there to know about you, Victoria? You strip dance
for guys, snort coke, drink like a fish, make out with different guys, fuck
dance them on the dance floor, sleep with Brad Winter among other sketchy
assholes. I mean seriously, you are a slut.” Point made.
Shit.
I’m
stunned by this assessment. It really does make me sound like a slut. But I’m
NOT a slut. I control my anger and laugh, low, sarcastic.

“You’re such an asshole it fuckin amazes me. I’m amazed that
you can stand there and tell me that whatever I’ve done in the past isn’t cool,
but what you’ve done is fine. You’re just as bad as me. What kind of guy tries
to sleep with a girl he just met an hour before in a one night stand? Apparently
the kind of guy you are. So that’s okay, but what I’ve done isn’t? Basically
you’re a man-whore,” I bite. He grins tightly at this, eyes snapping.

“You didn’t seem to mind a few weekends ago. What kind of
girl does that make you?”

“I was a virgin and smashed out of my mind! Goddammit!!! You
are fucking frustrating!…You know what…it’s not even worth the argument. You’re
a bastard and you assume I’m a slut. That’s it. Why do I even bother talking to
you? I have nothing to say to you.”

“You know why you talk to me? Because that’s what sluts do,
they try to get dick. But I’m a lost cause honey, maybe you’d better go talk to
Brad.”

“FUCK OFF JARED!” I rage, arms uncrossing, hands flung out. He’s
pissing me the fuck off, I’m snapping with anger. My face feels hot and red and
my fingernails are digging into my palms almost drawing blood.
I could rip
his head off right now!
I’m fucking sick of his judging, his sly sarcasm,
his damn “Mr. Superiority” expression, like he’s so much better than me.
I
could claw his damn eyes out!

“What is your damage!? What the fuck did I ever do to you!? And
what is your fucking problem with Brad? I mean, he’s a prick, like you, I know
that, but I can’t figure out why you have such a problem with him specifically?
Make some fucking sense, Jared!” I want to cry now, I can feel my eyes tearing
up. How can he be this mean to me? How can we argue like this when all I want
is to be with him. He laughs, sarcasm on overload.

“My problem with Brad… you really want to know? It’s similar
to the problem I have with you. It’s called being a fucking WHORE.”

“Just fuckingtellme what he did to you!” I scream, arms
crossed tightly again, legs quivering.

“You want to know? I hate that fucking piece of shit with a
passion! I fucking despise him with everything I am! But I have to pretend I
don’t whenever I see him.”

“Why, what the fuck, Jared. Why???”

“No, you know what, I’m not gonna tell you. You just fucked
up my life with your slutting STDs, I’m not gonna get all warm and fuzzy and
gossip with you.”

Now I do start to cry, a single hot teardrop that escapes my
eye and travels down my face. I can’t yell anymore. I can’t fight. I’m done. I
liked him, I wanted him, and this is it. It’s over.
Forever.
There is no
point. I finally choke out, the words flowing away and I can’t grasp them back,

“I’ve never been with anyone. Why do you keep making me
repeat myself! Why do you think I ran away when you tried to have sex with me
the first time at the frat? Do you think I wanted to do that? Do you think
normal girls do that? I liked you, I really liked you and this is how it ends
up? I waited for you to call me and you never did.

“Jesus, my life sucks! First my ex-asshole Nick cheats on me
because I won’t put out, then fucking jackass Brad ditches me because I won’t
sleep with him, then finally I have sex for the first time with a guy I’ve been
crushing on for months and I get an STD, seriously? WHAT THE FUCK!” I mock,
exploding. I am a thousand tiny shards of embarrassed angry disbelieving me. And
now the tears start to pour over my cheeks, breathless sobs breaking through. I
turn my back to him because I can’t look at his surprised face anymore. I can’t
stand how he is seeing me come undone. And then I feel a flash of sick hot
panic blast over me like an icy wind that sends you shaking and shivering for
cover
. I need to leave.

I’m fumbling with the doorknob when his warm hand curls
around my upper arm, pulling me back to stand in front of him, forcing me to
look at him. I’m stiff, arms crossed, legs immobile. My chin moves up very
slowly because I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to be here. I don’t
want this situation to be happening. I’m sick about how we explode at each
other, I’m sick with the fact that my body is a diseased mess. I never thought
this would be me.

“Victoria, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he says again when I shake
my head, his eyes suddenly softer. “We’ve made a damn mess of this. Listen,
I’ll tell you, okay…cause I can commiserate?”

I nod very stiffly, what choice do I have? I want to hear
what he has to say. He looks at me for a moment and then sits down on the
couch, head in hands.

“So…My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with Brad, among other
people, and he doesn’t know I know because we were…are supposedly friends and
our parents are friends. He thinks he’s the man, sleeping with other people’s
girlfriends, fucking everything that moves. I wanted to punch him in the face
the other night when he started talking about you. I was thinking, God dammit,
here’s another girl he fucked that I’m interested in. Fuck you, Brad. I nearly
did take a swing at him as he was gloating about how he slept with you, but
instead I stormed off to get into a screaming match with you. Smart choice,
clearly.”

Holyshit...he’s sharing. He might open up. I want to hold my
breath so as not to interrupt, but I’m overflowing with questions. I want to
know more.

“Wait, your ex-girlfriend, is she the bitch? When did you
break up?” I ask, the words ‘Girl…I’m interested in’ repeating in my head. Was
he really interested in me? Did he just admit it? He doesn’t look at me, just
rubs his eyes.

“We broke up in October. I found out she had been cheating
on me. She cheated with Brad this summer and then another one of my friends
from the frat at the beginning of the school year and God knows who else. She’s
a fucking party girl, a drunk, who was sleeping with all kinds of people behind
my back. I fucking
loved her
and she didn’t give a shit and destroyed
our relationship. She’s a bitch,” he says bitterly. A thought dawns on me and I
speak even before I’ve had time to process.

“Brad was probably with her, when he was also trying to get
with me, that fucking jerk. But I wouldn’t sleep with him even though he wanted
me to, which is why he ditched me. Fucking really is all he cares about. Wait,
where the hell is your ex now?”

“She transferred, thank God. Although over break she called
me and was trying to get me to see her again. That’s why I didn’t call you
initially. I had family stuff for the holidays and then she starts calling me,
telling me she wants to return something of mine, when really she wanted to get
together to try to trick me into taking her back. And she somehow finagled her
way into the New Year’s party I went to and got drunk, throwing herself at me. She
said she wanted to come back to NHU.

“Then, next thing I know Seth tells me he saw you making out
with some guy at Anne’s party. I thought, well, that’s it, she was never really
into you anyway dumbass. I mean after you ran away the first time and then were
kind of cool afterward, I thought, if she’s kissing someone else, she was never
in to you. Then you proved me right by being with someone else at that next
frat party.” He looks up at me with a tiny smile, his face kind of sad and
serious and then he continues.

“Here’s the thing…I’m fucked up over this thing with my ex.
I’ve kind of got this jealousy/trust problem now. I sort of suspected she might
be fucking around with other guys for a long time but whenever I’d try to
mention it or call her on it, she’d find a way to prove to me that she hadn’t
been with anyone. And I believed her.

“She pulled the same shit you do, dancing with all kinds of
different guys, even when I was around, letting them touch her, drinking, doing
drugs, flirting and always telling me nothing was going on. I was fine for a
while, until I really couldn’t ignore it. And then eventually it all came to
light and she threw it in my face, announcing that she had been cheating for a
while and she wanted out of our relationship and hadn’t been happy. It really
sucked. But I’m damn glad it’s over now…honestly I wasn’t too excited to be
with someone else like her.

“Damn, Victoria, you were scaring the shit out of me. And
the truth is…I couldn’t ignore you. I couldn’t stop liking you or wanting to be
around you. The problem was, I knew if I let myself get physical with you, I’d
be so fucking miserable afterward because I knew that I’d fall for you hard and
I was sure you wouldn’t give a shit. You don’t know what kind of hellish
depression I’ve been in since we fooled around.”

My mouth hangs open and my heart speeds up.
He likes me! OMG!
I can’t believe all this.
Brad, his Ex, my Ex, everything
.

“Jesus, Jared,” I say, sliding down on the couch next to
him, staring off into space, eyes unfocused, thinking.
I can’t believe this.
Everything out in the open, finally. He liked me, I fucked it up. I liked him,
he fucked it up. Miscommunication, assumptions, general stupidity,
God we
screwed up.

“Listen, I’m not like her when I’m in a relationship. I’m
only like that when I’m miserable because the guy I like isn’t paying any
attention to me. Plus I only kissed my ex because he was coming on to me and I
was drunk and wishing he was you because you never called me. And then you
still didn’t call and I gave up. I figured you were never in to me. I thought
you only wanted me physically, never emotionally or in any other way. But I’ve
seriously never slept with anyone, other than you, that is. And truth is, I’ve
been crazy about you for months. You’ve been driving me insane! And I thought
if I could get physical with you, you’d finally admit there was more between
us.”

He looks up at me and smiles, this beautiful, open smile,
then looks down and laughs.

“So…does this mean we have to wait for the antibiotics to
work before we can have that amazing sex again?” he asks peeking over at me
with a glint of amusement in his eyes. I laugh, completely overwhelmed that
this is it, this is us finally coming together.
OMG!
Then I get serious
and clinical.