Angel's Redemption (11 page)

"What happened?" Elijah asked.

"A couple of weeks before school was out for summer break a year ago, this kid started calling Daniel derogatory names. He said some terrible things about Nick and me and our family. When Daniel went to defend himself, he hit him with some chalkboard erasers." Josh paused, grabbing Nick's hand. "Luckily, before things got out of hand, their teacher intervened. The kid was suspended, and since then he's left Daniel alone."

"And Daniel is lucky because most kids don't stop bullying once it started." Nick shook his head sadly. "We think we should do what we can as a community to support these kids."

"I think that's a great idea." Shiloh pushed his empty plate away. "Count us in if you need any help organizing fundraisers or whatnot."

Jack looked at Elijah with a questioning spark in his green eyes. Elijah wasn't sure what an ex-porn star could do to help, but seeing the importance of making the community a safe place to live for everyone overrode his self-doubts. He looked at Jack and nodded. He wanted to do what he could to help too, even if he had to work through some of his own issues to do it.

"We'll help too," Jack said, giving Elijah's hand a reassuring squeeze.

Josh and Nick smiled gratefully. "It's going to take some time, but maybe with some hard work and determination, we'll be able to make this dream into a reality," Josh stated with pride in his voice. He slid his arm around Nick and pulled him closer.

Elijah listened as the men talked and made plans for building a community center. As his gaze wandered over the two couples chatting and talking about their future, he was in awe of the strong, loving relationship each couple obviously had. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Jack looking at him. He met Jack's warm gaze, and he couldn't help but hope that one day, they would have an undeniable love to link them together forever.

Chapter Ten

Jackson just wanted to be alone. Shep was outside with plenty of food and water, and Jack had made sure the front door was locked, the curtains drawn together to keep out the sunlight, and he was closed off in his bedroom while he laid in his bed, listening to sad love songs so he could wallow in his misery.

Today was Ben's birthday, and up until this morning, it had totally slipped his mind. Never in all of the years they had been together did Jackson ever forget his birthday. Ben was the one that forgot birthdays and special occasions, not Jackson. He couldn't understand how something as important as today's date could have so easily slipped his mind. He knew he was supposed to get on with his life, and he was, but he never thought he would begin the day as if it were any other day in his life.

He'd been surprised and ashamed when his mother called this morning and asked if he was doing okay. Since Ben's death, she knew from experience how Jackson usually grieved when Ben's special day rolled around. She mentioned it to him just as he was getting ready for work, and Jackson was immediately guilt ridden because he had forgotten.

As soon as Jackson got off the phone with his mother, he immediately shut down. He was in such a funk, he barely remembered calling Lena and canceling his appointments for the day. Now hours later, he was all cried out and hiccupping from past tears. A ball of regret and grief settled in Jackson's heart, and it hurt just as much as it did when Ben first passed away. All morning long, the guilt of living a life without Ben plagued his weary mind. For the past few weeks he had allowed himself to care about and maybe even fall in love with Elijah, he had started to live again and not just exist, as he had since Ben's death. The guilt of living again made him want to cry even more.

It was so unfair. Ben was in the prime of his life and they were just starting to enjoy the benefits of hard work and making sacrifices to get ahead. They had just paid the house off, remodeled it like they wanted and were starting to take more vacations and stolen weekends together while they made plans for their future.

Now Ben was gone, and for years Jackson did what he could to survive, to continue to breathe each day without him. Ever since he met Eli, that had changed. Jackson looked forward to being with the younger man; so much so, he forgot Ben's fucking birthday.

He stifled a sob as he remembered the last morning they were together. Ben was in a hurry to get to work on time, as usual. Jackson was given a quick kiss and a half-hearted hug before Ben was running out the door—and soon afterward, out of Jackson's life. He wished for the millionth time that he'd made Ben slow down, just long enough for those precious minutes to pass on by, so Ben and that kid had never crossed paths in that fateful intersection. If Jackson had done that, Ben would still be here with him and they would be celebrating his special day together. They'd have friends and family over, have a few celebratory drinks, and make love until they both collapsed from exhaustion.

Jackson's brow crinkled when he visualized Eli somewhere in the mix of it all. He knew that Ben would like the sweet man, and Jackson would've still become friends with Eli with or without Ben in his life. But he wondered how his attraction to Eli would have panned out.

Even though he and Eli were becoming more affectionate with each other, they'd still never kissed. For the past few nights, Jackson had fallen asleep with the vision of both of them kissing and making love deep into the night. Would he still have these fantasies if Ben was still alive? Jackson honestly wasn't sure, but those thoughts made him feel like a low-life cheater, and he was guilt ridden over his feelings for Eli.

Jackson allowed more tears to fall down his face. He rolled over onto his side and wrapped his arms around himself, curled into a lonely ball of misery.

"Jack?"

It sounded like Eli's voice, but it couldn't be since he had locked all of the doors, and there was no other way to get into the house. Jackson's temples started to ache from crying, and he knew he should get his sorry ass up and take some aspirin for the massive headache sure to come. He just didn't have the gumption to do so. Besides, Jackson deserved to feel a little pain after what he forgot today.

"Jack? Where are you?"

He closed his eyes and tried to blot out Eli's voice. He didn't know why his mind decided to play tricks on him, and he was determined to not think about Eli for the rest of the day. Today was Ben's day and the least he could do was just think about his dead lover.

The door eased open and through blurry eyes, he could see Eli's lean form shadowed in the doorway. "Oh my God, Jack… are you all right?" Before Jackson could wrap his mind around the fact that Eli had somehow gotten into his house, his friend was sitting beside him on the bed. Eli reached down and gently pushed his hair away from his tear-streaked face.

"Jack… what happened? Are you sick? Is it your mother?" Eli quietly asked as he ran his fingers through Jack's sweaty hair.

Jackson shook his head and stifled a sob. He hated looking weak in front of anyone and especially this man. Shit, Jackson was supposed to be the nurturer, the person that people came to when they had problems, not the other way around.

Eli made a soft, consoling noise and stood up. He walked into the adjoining bathroom, and Jackson heard him rustling around the medicine cabinet. He closed his eyes and resolutely told himself to chill the fuck out. Jackson needed to show Eli that he was doing all right so his concerned friend would leave.

Eli walked toward him holding a small glass of water in one hand and with his hand fisted, probably holding pills. "Here, Jack," he whispered, handing him two small pills and gently lifting his head, bringing the glass of water to his lips. "Take these. I know when I'm upset like this, I always get a headache."

Jackson tossed the pills into his mouth and leaned forward to drink the cold water. It felt good and crisp against his scratchy throat. He greedily gulped it down and murmured his thanks in a croaky voice.

"I'll be right back with some more water."

Before Jackson could protest and tell Eli he didn't need anything, his friend laid Jackson's head gently back on the pillow and walked out of the room. Despite telling himself to stop being a big crybaby in front of Eli, tears continued to slide down Jackson's face, and he tucked himself back into a tight ball.

He closed his eyes and deliberately pushed Eli's thoughtful gestures aside. Jackson needed to concentrate on Ben, not Eli. He wanted to think of nothing but Ben and how much he missed him, not the loving, considerate man that had invaded Jackson's privacy and his guilt-ridden heart.

The soft footsteps of Eli re-entering the room did nothing to soothe his grief. Behind him, the mattress was pressed down and Jackson was wrapped in the comforting warmth of Eli cuddling up behind him. Eli slid his hand around Jackson's middle. He found himself unconscientiously grabbing his friend's hand. He pulled him closer until they were firmly lying against one another.

"How did you get in here? I locked all the doors." God, his voice sounded like shit.

"You showed me where you keep your spare key, remember?"

Damn, he forgot about that.

"What happened, Jack?" Eli's voice was low and soothing, his breath hot and moist against the back of his neck.

Jackson shook his head. Eli gave a sigh and just held him for a few moments. As much as Jackson didn't want to, he took in the support and peacefulness of being in Elijah's arms.

"Please, Jack. Don't push me away. You've been such a good friend to me and listened to me when I needed it most. Lean on me, Jack… let me show you that I can be there for you too."

Elijah's softly spoken words made his determination to block him out start to slowly fade away. He took a shuddering breath and before he knew it, he began to talk. Jackson talked about his relationship with Ben and how much he missed him. He told Eli about his guilt over forgetting Ben's birthday, and how in the past few weeks he didn't dwell on his lover's death like he once did. Jackson talked about the good and bad times they had together, and how in the end, they always seemed to work it out when things got tough.

Jackson kept expecting Eli to pull away or to try to change the subject. He learned long ago that people didn't like to talk about the dead. Jackson was supposed to move on and not think of the past and how much the loss of his lover left a big gaping hole in his life and heart. Instead, Eli was quiet and let him talk, cry, and rave against the unfairness of it, all the while supporting him, comforting him with his silent presence.

After Jackson was hoarse from talking and emotionally spent from cleansing his soul, he gently pulled free of Eli's arms and turned around to face him. In the shadowed darkness, he could see the empathy and acceptance radiating within the gleam of those golden brown eyes.

"I'm sorry, Eli."

"Why are you apologizing? Don't you see how much I want to be there for you? To comfort you when you cry and be the man you come to when you need someone most?" Eli whispered in a compassionate, soothing voice.

Jackson reached up and placed his hand against the slight scratchiness of Eli's cheek. Guilt or no guilt, he needed this man in his life. Jackson was as sure of it as he was when he fell in love with Benjamin, and although it scared him a little, Jackson decided to toss all of his fear and guilt aside and put it all on the table. There would be nothing but truth and trust between them. If not they would have nothing—no strong foundation to build on.

"I can't help it, I guess. I'm not used to pushing my problems onto others. I was raised with the 'sweep your problems under the rug' type of mentality and I've never shown my weaknesses to others."

Eli gave him a gentle smile, pulled his hand away from his cheek, and pressed a soft kiss on the palm. Eli then clasped their hands together and held them between their bodies. "I understand. In many ways we're alike when it comes to talking about our problems and the past. I want you to remember that you don't have to hide your feelings from me. I want to share things with you. It can't always be rainbows and sunshine… there has to be rainy days too."

Jackson's guilt eased some from Eli's words. But he needed to tell Eli more, needed him to understand where Jackson was coming from as well as his feelings for Eli.

"Eli," he whispered, leaning forward and tenderly touching their foreheads together. It was a very intimate contact between them, with their lips just centimeters from each other. "I want so much for you, from you. I feel alive, like you've given me new life again. But it scares me, and also makes me feel guilty because even though I loved Ben with all of my heart, there is a something I have with you that I never had with him."

"What's that?"

"Although we loved each other, there wasn't always a balance between us. Sometimes I felt like I gave more to the relationship than he did. Ben was a man's man. If he walked in on me crying or upset about something, he would tell me to suck it up and be a man, so I learned to keep some emotions at bay. With you, I'm seeing that I can be myself, and you'll be there for me regardless of whether I'm having a bad day or not."

A look of love and affection washed over Eli's face, making Jack's breath catch. Love looked beautiful on his dear friend, and Jack was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to keep that look on Eli for the rest of his life.

Eli leaned forward and pressed his soft lips against his in a tender kiss. Although it was almost chaste, Jack enjoyed the sweetness of it. Jack found himself lying on his back with Eli tucked securely under his arm. As they held each other and talked deep into the night, Jack knew that big gaping hole in his heart and life was beginning to mend.

Chapter Eleven

Elijah groggily opened his eyes and stretched. He reached beside him, needing to feel the warmth of Jack's body, but was met with nothing but a soft mattress and cold sheets. He glanced over and saw the indention of Jack's head on his pillow. Smiling, Elijah grabbed it, brought it to his face, and inhaled the faint scent of Jack's fresh-smelling shampoo. Elijah hugged the pillow to him as the events and conversation they had together last night played over in his mind.