Angels in Pink: Holly's Story (Lurlene McDaniel (Mass Market)) (12 page)

twenty-two

BEN HAD BEEN moved into a more private area of the hospital, away from the hustle and bustle of his floor. His mother stayed with him round the clock. Relatives, neighbors, members of his family’s church came to visit, and so did Holly. She wondered if Ben really knew what was happening to him. He slept a lot, ate little, seemed genuinely pleased and surprised to see the people who showed up. “No one’s to say a sad word around him,” Beth-Ann told all visitors sternly. “And no crying either. If you can’t keep your feelings inside, then leave the room.”

On one of Holly’s visits, she found Beth-Ann standing in the hall and asked, “Is there really nothing more the doctors can do?”

“That’s what they said.”

“But even now, if he was taking chemo—”

“Wouldn’t help any, and his daddy and I are real tired of seeing Benny suffer, of his being in pain all the time. That’s not right. Us hanging on to him will only cause him more pain. He should be able to go in peace.”

Tears welled in Holly’s eyes, and Beth-Ann reached out for her. “It’s his time, Holly. The Bible says there’s a season for everything, and the season of Ben’s life is ending. He’s going home to be with Jesus. We have to let him go.”

Holly understood all that. She knew that the faith of the Kellers was sustaining them, helping them come to terms with losing their child. She was glad for them, but for the life of her, she couldn’t understand why Jesus needed a little boy in heaven. Or, for that matter, a big boy like Hunter. Heaven should be full of old people after they’d lived full lives on earth. Maybe some last-minute miracle would happen and spare Ben’s life.
That
would make her feel good about God again!

“It’s all right,” Beth-Ann assured Holly in her soft Southern voice. “God knows best.”

Holly didn’t say what she really wanted to say about God being arbitrary. She just nodded and left the area.

The next evening, Holly ate a late supper in the cafeteria with Raina and Kathleen. They were trying to take her mind off what was happening to Ben. “Can you believe we’re graduating
tomorrow
?” Kathleen asked.

The ceremony was to be held Saturday morning at the civic center.

“Not soon enough for me,” Raina said. “I just made it out by the skin of my teeth, thanks to Holly.”

“What?” Holly, distracted and toying with the food on her plate, looked up. “Did you ask me something?”

“I was giving you rave reviews on getting me to my diploma. Want me to say it again?”

Holly shook her head. “You worked hard. You deserve to walk.”

“What are you doing after the pool party?” Kathleen asked.

Raina’s mother was throwing a little get-together at the town house complex for some of the grads, their parents and a few close friends. “Celebration dinner with Mom at the Columbia,” Raina said. “Want to come? Might keep the air from snapping between us.”

“I thought things had smoothed out between you two.”

“So much is different now.” Raina shrugged, unable to put her feelings into words. “Can you come to dinner? Bring your mom and Stewart. Carson too.”

“Thanks, but we can’t. I promised Carson I’d go to his ceremony tonight. Then there’s some big party at his house that his parents are throwing that we have to attend. At least Stephanie won’t be invited. Carson said she decided not to finish at Bryce. Her grades were in the toilet anyway. She went back to South America to recover from her accident. He said her parents are finally getting a divorce, and he doesn’t know if she’ll ever come back to the States.”

“We won’t miss her, girlfriend, will we?” Raina said.

The noise of the cafeteria surrounded them as there was a lull in their conversation. Kathleen ended the break. “Oh, before I forget, Sierra asked me if we’d be volunteering this summer. She said she’d love for us to work on the carnival with her. Any thoughts?”

Holly remembered then that they’d all planned to help throw an anniversary carnival for the hospital and the patients. The summer before, Hunter had dressed as a clown and entertained everyone, passing out trinkets. “I don’t know,” she said listlessly.

“Me either. I’ve been thinking about making some changes in my life,” Raina said mysteriously.

“I can,” Kathleen said. “I’m working full-time in the gift shop, but I’ll be glad to participate. Think about it. We once said we would.”

Holly pushed her tray aside. “I’m going up to Ben’s room. The nurses told me earlier that he had a bad day.”

Raina caught her arm as she rose. “Are you sure this death watch is something you really need to do?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Holly felt agitated, short-tempered.

Raina stood too. “Then we’re coming with you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“We’re coming,” Kathleen said.

Beth-Ann looked relieved to see Holly. “Ben’s been asking for you. And his daddy and I need a quick break.”

“I’ll wait by his bed.”

Holly and her friends slipped into the dim room. Outside the window, the lights of the city sparkled in the inky night. “Hey, buddy,” Holly said, leaning over Ben.

His breathing sounded shallow and his skin looked colorless. His eyes slowly opened. “Holly?”

“Me and Raina and Kathleen.”

He said something, but his voice was so soft, she asked him to repeat it.

His lips moved. “I’m scared, Holly.”

Her heart twisted. “It’s okay to be scared.”

“No . . . I’m a big boy. I shouldn’t be scared.”

She knew that Beth-Ann had prepared him with talk of heaven and happiness and no more pain, but he was upset and she longed to comfort him. “What are you afraid of?”

“I’m scared of the dark.”

She glanced around the room. The lights were turned down low. Raina shrugged. Kathleen reached over and turned up the light box on the wall behind the bed. “Is that better?”

He shook his head. “It’s going to be dark inside that box they’ll put me in. It’s going to be dark under the ground, and I’m scared.”

“I–it’s not that way,” she said slowly, her mind searching for a way to help him understand.

“I don’t want everybody to go off and leave me alone in the dark.” His voice sounded pitiful and very frightened. Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes.

Holly felt helpless. She had no way to make him understand that he’d have no awareness of the dark box or of being in the ground. She had no words to explain it. Nothing. And even if she did find the words, he wasn’t capable of understanding. He was only a child and the complicated mechanics of death, of ceasing to exist in time and space, could not be explained to him.
Just as God had no way to explain to her why her
brother had been murdered.
Like a searing light, the insight struck Holly with such force that she staggered.

“You all right?” Raina whispered, alarmed.

But Holly barely heard her. The realization about God reverberated in her head like an echo in an empty room. It wasn’t that there was no explanation as to
why
kids died too young, or
why
people were murdered; it was that her mind was too limited, too simple to understand any explanation God could give her. God had not deserted her. He had been there all the time. She’d just been unable to see him through the fog of her pain and anger.

She focused again on Ben. He didn’t need explanations, or platitudes. He needed tangible help. He needed something to calm his fears. “You know, Ben, I have an idea,” she said. “All you need is a way to make the dark light.” Suddenly recalling the donations that Hunter’s boss had made to the carnival the summer before, she turned to Raina. “Do you still have the glow necklaces Hunter told me he gave you for safe-keeping?”

Raina’s eyes brightened. “Hunter gave me a ton of the things.”

“Go get them.”

As soon as Ben’s parents returned to the room, Holly took them aside and told them what Ben had said and what she wanted to do for him. When Raina and Kathleen arrived, they carried a plastic box full of the flexible chemical lights. They all set to work snapping them around Ben’s arms, his legs, his neck and even his head. Within fifteen minutes, he was aglow with bands of neon color—red, blue, hot pink, green and yellow. None of them had dry eyes as they worked, but Ben didn’t seem to notice. He watched in fascination as the colors came to life on his body.

When they stepped aside, a nurse found a large mirror and held it up. He stared at himself, then sent them all a beautiful, peaceful smile. He was happy. Beth-Ann mouthed
Thank you
to Holly. She nodded, her heart bursting with a satisfied sense of accomplishment.

Holly saw Ben’s eyelids growing heavy. She leaned over and said, “I’m leaving the rest of the container with your mama, so if one goes out, she’ll put a new one on.” She steadied her voice, then continued. “When you get to heaven, look for my brother, Hunter. When he sees you wearing all these necklaces, he’ll come running to meet you. I know he will.”

She and her friends left the room quickly, made it to a bathroom and there, holding on to one another, broke down crying. Yet as Holly wept, she realized that it didn’t matter whether death came unexpectedly, as with Hunter, or with plenty of preparation time. The living, those left behind, were never truly ready for it. It came all the same, making holes in people’s hearts and minds, pointing the way to eternity, where it could come for them no more.

“Don’t forget, graduation’s in a few hours,” Raina said before she and Kathleen headed for home.

“I’ll go home soon,” Holly told them.

She looked in on Ben one more time in the early hours of the morning and was told that he’d slipped into a coma from which he would not awaken. On the bed, he lay wrapped in a hundred colorful lights, looking bright as a rainbow and bound for glory.

twenty-three

“I’LL BET WE’RE the only graduates to be doing
this
right after receiving our diplomas,” Kathleen said ruefully.

She, Holly and Raina walked across the green lawn of the memorial garden in their lovely spring dresses, mortarboards and corsages in hand, toward the bronze plaque bearing Hunter’s name. They hadn’t discussed going; it had simply happened. After the ceremony and picture taking with their families, they’d looked at one another and in one telepathic thought knew what they were going to do. What they
had
to do.

“We’ll be back in an hour or so,” Raina had told her mother.

“But I’ve reserved the lounge at the pool house,” Vicki had said. “Everyone’s coming. You girls can’t be late to your own party.”

Holly had backed Raina up. “Go on, Mom and Dad. We’ll be along soon. There’s someplace we need to go first.”

Her father had locked gazes with her and Holly had known instantly that he understood.

Raina had driven. The day was hot, brilliantly sunny, the eternal green of the grass shaded by live oaks dripping with Spanish moss. Birds chirped; the fountain in the center of the lake hissed water onto the calm surface, spreading falling rainbows as droplets caught the sunlight.

Holly found Hunter’s grave and knelt in front of his plaque. Raina and Kathleen knelt on either side. “We made it, big brother,” Holly said. “Bet you didn’t think we would. I painted my nails bright orange too, and Dad never said a word.” She fluttered her hands toward the ground, as if to show them off. “I’ll bet you’ve met Ben by now. Isn’t he a cutie? Take care of him.”

She and her friends were driving to Crystal River Monday morning for Ben’s funeral. Going would be sad, but she knew she’d make it through with her friends standing beside her.

Raina gazed down at the ground. “I miss you so much, Hunter. I still love you.”

“But we didn’t come here to be sad,” Kathleen quickly inserted. “We came to say hello and leave you these.” She placed her corsage on the metal plate. Holly and Raina did the same.

Holly sat back on her heels. “Dad gave me what’s left of your college fund this morning. I’ve been accepted at the University of Miami—not too far away, but far enough.” Her friends looked at her. Holly shrugged. “I made up my mind this morning, but I wanted to tell Hunter first.”

Raina smoothed her dress and kept her gaze on the ground. “I have an announcement too. I’m going to live with Emma and Jon-Paul in Virginia.”

“When did you decide this?” Kathleen looked shocked.

Holly just stared at Raina.

“Emma invited me a while back,” Raina confessed. “I’ve thought about it for a long time, and I’ve decided to go. It’s sad for me here. Everyplace I go reminds me of him.” She ran her fingers over the raised letters of Hunter’s name stamped on the brass.

“And your mother?” Holly asked.

“She’s not crazy about the idea, but I’m eighteen and I want to know my sister better. She says she understands. But I don’t care if she doesn’t. It’s something I have to do.”

“Well,
blah!
” Kathleen blurted out; then she grumbled, “Boring Kathleen is staying put, Hunter. Going to good old USF. Being a bridesmaid.” She looked at her friends. “You
are
planning to come to this wedding, aren’t you? You aren’t going to leave me alone to fend for myself, are you?”

Holly grinned. “You have Carson.”

“Oh, like he’s a big help. Who’s going to do my hair? Counsel me on my attitude?”

“We’ll phone it in if we have to,” Raina said, patting Kathleen’s hand.

Holly stood and so did the others. They lingered, staring down at Hunter’s resting place, at the crisply clipped fringe of grass around the metal plaque, at their corsages already beginning to wilt in the humid heat. Sunlight shifting through the trees cast flickering shadows on the grass. Holly breathed in the warm, soft air, felt the cold knot in her chest begin to melt. Chad was coming to the pool party. He was probably already there, waiting for her. “We should go.”

“Probably so,” Raina said.

“Carson hates to wait around,” Kathleen said. “The guy has no patience.”

They glanced at each other. Holly said, “Ready?”

“Ready,” Raina and Kathleen said in unison.

Together they stepped out onto an open patch of grass, hurled their mortarboards upward and watched as they turned, spun and tumbled together against the clear blue sky.