Angels and Men (20 page)

At that point the polecat returned. ‘Let me.' He came up behind her. She looked in the mirror and saw his head beside hers, eyes concentrating on his fingers as they began to form the knot. She could feel his body against hers. Her heart began to race. Then he paused. He undid the knot again, and she watched in shock as his fingers began undoing the buttons of the shirt. She caught his hands, but he continued to the next button.

‘Don't be stupid, Mara.' She stared at his reflection in amazement.

‘What's wrong?' He had that classic male ‘I don't know what you're talking about – nothing could be further from my mind' look. He pulled the shirt open so that the camisole showed, leaving the tie draped round the collar. ‘Much better,' he commented. ‘It looks too butch done up.'

She felt his hands undoing her plait, and she stood mute. I never know what he's playing at. Her curls slid free and he ran his hands through her hair. She watched his face, but could read nothing there. He just looked like an artist at work, a couturier or coiffeur creating a masterpiece. He turned her round to face him.

‘You need a buttonhole.' The roses, she thought, her eyes darting towards the mantelpiece.

He followed her glance. ‘Oho.' She flushed. ‘And who are they from?'

‘I don't know,' she muttered.

He went across and broke one off. ‘Watch their eyes,' He fixed the rose to her lapel. ‘You'll know the right man by his reaction to this.' Did he already know? ‘There.' He stepped back to admire his work. What's he playing at?

‘Well? How do I look?'

His lips twitched. ‘ “'Tis with you e'en standing water, between man and boy.” '

She saw her opportunity. ‘Did you play Malvolio in a school production?'

He looked at her in distaste. ‘I'm an English graduate. I
study
Shakespeare.'

Yes – themes of equivocation, or something. She began to move towards the door. They went down the stairs towards the music. The polecat linked his arm through hers.

‘ “What shall I call thee when thou art a man?” '

Ganymede. She bit back the answer. They would end up spending the night trying to catch one another out with fragments of Shakespeare. He tutted, and she felt a surge of anger, but kept her resolve.

‘
As You Like It
,' he offered as a clue.

She rounded on him. ‘I know where it's from,' she said violently. ‘I'm not going to spend the whole bloody evening vying with you!'

‘All right. All
right
. Christ.'

‘It's not all right. You're always playing games.'

He grinned and started to hum. After a moment she recognized the tune:
Gaudeamus igitur
.

She pulled her arm away. ‘Sod off.'

The students in the hallway were starting to look at them. I'm going mad, she thought. Why am I picking a fight with him over a bloody quotation? A cold misery crept over her. What's the point of it all? At that moment the music stopped and a voice announced that food was now being served in Coverdale dining-hall. A mass of students surged out of the room and moved in the direction of the food. The polecat linked arms with Mara again, and she let him lead her along with the crowd.

They entered the dining-room. Maddy and May were already there, standing talking to Rupert and Johnny. The polecat steered his way towards them.

‘You said you weren't coming!' accused Maddy. ‘And that's not Sixties.' She was wearing a short dress with violently swirling patterns and an astonishing bust-line like twin warheads pointing at the enemy.

‘Ah, but she looks wonderful,' said Rupert. His eyes rested fleetingly on the rose, and Mara felt the polecat pinch her arm.

‘I'm surprised you approve of cross-dressing,' said Maddy.

‘She feels upstaged,' explained May.

‘Lies!' cried an outraged Maddy.

May giggled. She had arranged her hair in a beehive style, and attached several large bumble bees to it. Both she and Maddy were wearing false eyelashes like tarantula legs, which they now fluttered simultaneously at the men before going to collect a plateful of food. They have so much more fun than I do, thought Mara.

‘Happy Valentine's Day, Mara,' said Rupert, leaning to kiss her cheek. ‘Why is it that women in men's clothes look stunning, while men in drag look ridiculous?'

‘Because society views women as inherently ridiculous,' said Mara. He raised his eyes heavenwards.
Rupert had forgotten that the girl was a castrating feminist bitch
.

‘Is he being a prick again?' asked Johnny.

‘Thank you, Whitaker. It was
supposed
to be a compliment,' said Rupert.

Johnny looked at Mara. ‘Do I get a kiss, too?' he asked.

‘Me first,' said the polecat.

Johnny laughed. ‘No way, Andrew.'

Mara flushed. Neither of them kissed her. Rupert tutted in exasperation. She looked from one to the other, and wondered suddenly if she was missing something.

‘What's this?' asked the polecat disdainfully, indicating the work clothes Johnny was wearing.

Johnny grinned. Mara couldn't read the messages which were passing back and forwards.

‘I tried to explain that DJ doesn't stand for donkey jacket,' said Rupert, ‘but he wouldn't listen.'

Johnny gave a slight Andersonian bow, and the four of them followed Maddy and May to the food.

I shouldn't have come, thought Mara as they sat round a table. Maddy was entertaining them with a rendition of ‘
Help
' in Covent Garden style between mouthfuls. The room was full of shrieking and laughter. A conga was forming noisily. It wove in and out of the tables, growing all the time. I'll find a moment to slip away, thought Mara.

‘Eat,' said the polecat in her ear.

She had no fight left and began to eat.

‘
Won't you ple-ee-ease help me!
' boomed Maddy marvellously above the noise.

At last they had finished eating, and at Johnny's suggestion they all headed for the college bar. People and noise everywhere. The conga caught them up in its coils as it wound along the corridors, down the steps and through the bar. They broke off and found a corner. The polecat brought Mara a drink. He drew up a stool behind her and sat close. She felt his arms go round her, and looked up at the mirror on the wall of the bar to see his head beside hers again. She drank, feeling her heart begin to pound. Why is he doing this? She watched the others to see if they had noticed.

Rupert was explaining something to May, who was undermining every word with flutters of her false eyelashes. Mara could tell from his expression that he didn't mind. Maddy was singing again, and this time Johnny was joining in. He has a good voice, thought Mara in surprise. She had an image of him on a rooftop somewhere against the sky, whistling and singing in the wind. By now he had taken his jacket off and he looked more like a builder than ever. She watched the muscles moving in his arm as he raised his drink. If I had a pencil . . . He glanced across at her, and she looked away, back at the polecat in the mirror. He was watching Johnny with a brooding expression, and his fingers were playing with her hair as absently as though it were his own. We're quite alike, she thought. Similar height and build, similar colouring. Except he's better-looking. Same nasty disposition. Suddenly his eyes were on hers. She jumped slightly, and he looked at her questioningly.

‘I was thinking how alike we are.'

‘God, yes. Twin souls.' He laughed softly. She felt his lips at her ear. ‘And I bet we're sitting here lusting after the same man.'

Her mind reeled back. Her lips moved, but she could find no words.
Nothing is, but what is not
. Her hand felt stupidly for her plait which wasn't there.

‘Then you're gay.'

‘Oh, come off it. You knew that, Mara.'

She shook her head.

He laughed. ‘Well, you must be the only person in the whole university who didn't.'

She reached out blindly for her drink. No wonder. No wonder. ‘
What makes you think I wanted your body
?' His face as he said, ‘
Don't be stupid
.' And he wanted to kiss Johnny, not me.

‘This isn't another game?' she asked. But she saw in his eyes that it was not. He began playing with her hair again, watching her, waiting for her to respond. Maybe I knew. Maybe I did. I'd never let another man do what he does. And a sigh escaped from her. Despair, or relief, she wasn't sure which. Say something, you fool. He'll think you disapprove.

‘I'm useless at these things,' she blurted out. ‘I never know what's going on.'

‘I've noticed.' He leant forward and kissed her cheek. ‘It's frightening. You need a guardian angel.' She flinched. ‘At any rate, you need another drink.' He went to buy her one, leaving her stupefied. After a moment Mara realized that Rupert was speaking to her.

‘Have you lost your twin?' She scrabbled wildly for a reply.

‘He's at the bar,' said May, pointing.

He meant the polecat. Her hand shook as she picked up her drink.

‘What's wrong?' asked Rupert. She said nothing. He pursed his lips in irritation. He had never quite got over his anger at her for walking on the ice. She stared at her drink.

‘She thought you were talking about her sister,' explained May. ‘She's got a twin sister called Hester.'

I've got to get out! But at once they were all crowding in with questions, leaving her no room. You've got a twin? Why didn't you tell us? Are you identical twins?

May began answering for her. ‘They're not identical, are you, Mara? Hester's shorter, and – well, we love Mara dearly, of course, but Hester's . . . beautiful. In a more conventional way, I mean,' she added as Rupert protested.

‘Why didn't you tell us?' demanded Maddy. Mara said nothing. Oh, get me out of here! ‘I've always wanted to be a twin.' Rupert and Johnny crossed themselves simultaneously. ‘Shut up, you bastards! I think it would be wonderful.'

‘You should invite her up,' said May. ‘What's she doing these days? Did she go to Cambridge, too?' The polecat returned and handed her a new glass.

‘No.' Her throat was parched. The subject had come upon her too suddenly.

‘Well, what does she do?' asked Rupert in irritation.

‘Nothing.'

‘Nothing? What do you mean, “nothing”? You mean she's unemployed?' Her mind was stuttering. Just give me time. ‘Why do you always have to be so mysterious?' snapped Rupert.

Anger reared up, blotting everything out. ‘Because it's none of your fucking business!' The bar grew strange before her eyes. Rupert opened his mouth to speak, but Johnny laid a hand on his arm. It was all happening in slow motion. Like a dream. They were all staring at her. She put her glass down with a clatter and plunged heedlessly out of the bar.

The night was foggy. Mara stood under a tree down on the steep terrace. The party went on overhead in the distance, song after song. Above it all the bells chimed. Quarter. Half. Three-quarters. I'm losing myself. Like sand through a clenched fist. If only I could get a tight enough grip. Well, I'm not beaten yet. I'll go and explain. There's no problem. I was just taken by surprise, that's all. But she made no move. Her hand pulled and pulled at a strand of hair. Footsteps. The polecat. He drew close, took her hand.

‘Is this to do with me?'

‘No.' How clear her voice sounded. ‘It's about my sister. I'm going to go and explain.'

‘The party's over,' he said. ‘They're all in Rupert's room. Why don't you come?'

She pulled away. ‘I just need time.'

‘You've been here nearly two hours.'

She tugged at her hair until she pulled a handful out.

‘Don't, Mara.' He caught her hand again. ‘Look, this is a spiritual thing, isn't it? You aren't an atheist, are you?' She shook her head. ‘Then pray, for Christ's sake.'

‘I can't,' she burst out.

‘Why not?'

‘You don't understand,' she shouted at him. ‘I'm lost. I'm an apostate.'

‘Then God will help you.'

‘He can't.'

‘If he's God, he can. By definition.'

‘You don't believe in God.'

‘True.'

‘How can you live?' She tried to pull free, but he gripped her harder than ever. ‘If there's no God, there's no point. No foundation for anything. No morals, no meaning, no hope. You've got nothing.'

‘I know,' he said.

‘Then how can you live? What can you do in a world like that?'

‘What amuses me.'

‘That's your creed?'

‘Yes.'

‘Then why do I matter to you?' The bells chimed in the silence.

‘I don't know,' he said at last. ‘That's the Joker in the pack, isn't it? – caring for people.' They stood in the fog and the branches dripped all around them. Softly she let the strand of hair fall. ‘Come along,' he said, and led her back to the building.

All four of the others were in Rupert's room. They fell silent as she and the polecat entered. Maddy and May were sitting on the bed in their outrageous costumes. A strange calm came over Mara. She was an actor with an easy part. Rupert took a step towards her. She spoke her first line:

‘I'm sorry I swore at you.'

‘I'm sorry I provoked you. I don't want to force you to talk.'

‘It's all right. I don't mind. It was just –'

Johnny took her hand suddenly. ‘Don't do that, sweetheart.'

She looked and saw she had pulled more hair out. He let her go. She twisted the strand round her finger, tight, tighter. ‘I don't mind telling you.' The hair cut into the flesh. ‘My sister's dead. It's not supposed to be a secret.'