Angel of Redemption (47 page)

I
shake my head.
“
It
was more than just a mistake.
”

“
I realize that. But do you know how lucky Logan is that he
hasn
’
t
killed anyone yet? When he was fourteen, he took his foster father
’
s car in the middle of the night,
drove it to the convenience store, and stole a six-pack of beer. He sat in the
car and drank four of them before the cops showed up. If he hadn
’
t been caught, he would have tried to
drive back home. He was wasted
—
couldn
’
t even walk in a straight line. I
’
ve had half a dozen kids, at least,
who have done something that could have ended in tragedy.
”

“
It
’
s not the same. I had everything, Kayla.
Everything
!
”
I snap.
“
I had parents who loved me. I had good
grades and a future. It wasn
’
t a cry for help, or attention, or even a rebellion. It was
me, wanting to be cool. That
’
s it. There are no excuses.
”

“
I
’
m not trying to make excuses for you, but you can
’
t spend the rest of your life hating
yourself.
”

“
Why not?
”

She
stares at me, but I have to turn away. After the initial shock of the accident
wore off, I didn
’
t feel anything. For a long time, I
was just numb
—
completely dead inside. Eventually
that numbness was replaced by anger and guilt. I
’
m
reliving all of those emotions now.

Her
free hand reaches up and brushes against my jaw.

“
You
’
re a good man, Dean. If you weren
’
t, I wouldn
’
t care about you so much.
”

I
don
’
t
know how to feel about her admission. Part of me is relieved, and part of me is
terrified.

“
I
’
m way too fucking damaged, Kayla. I
’
ve got nothing to offer. I
’
m an emotionally stunted asshole. I
’
ve hurt too many people. I don
’
t deserve happiness, and I certainly can
’
t offer you any. You need more.
”

She
huffs out a sort of muted laugh.
“
I
’
m a grown woman. Let me decide what I need, okay?
”

I
lift our hands to my mouth and kiss her palm without breaking eye contact. I
hold it there for a moment until she sits back onto the coffee table, and then
I let her hand slide from mine.

“
Is that how you ended up in juvenile detention?
”

“
Yeah,
”
I respond.
“
I was charged with three counts of
vehicular homicide, but because I was only sixteen, it was taken care of in family
court. I was sentenced to detention until my eighteenth birthday, and then to
three years of probation.
”

“
But when you got arrested for the drugs
…
”

“
I broke probation. It was an automatic sentence.
”

“
And your wife knew that?
”

I
nod.
“
Yeah,
but she had a similar deal with her probation. I needed to do something good. I
thought that protecting her and the baby was part of my penance.
”

Kayla
now knows more about me than anyone else. I
’
ve never even told Aiden about those
moments in the car when I watched Nadia dying; when I thought I was dying, too.
It
’
s
not that I don
’
t
trust him, but I don
’
t make a habit out of feeling vulnerable. For Kayla and I
to ever become more than friends, she needs to know what she
’
s dealing with. Only time will tell if
she can handle my demons, because, like it or not, we come as a package deal.

There
are no more words between us; no more questions asked. She starts making up the
guest bed, clearly inviting me to stay the night. I don
’
t know if I should. Park of me really wants to. The other
part isn
’
t sure this is a good idea. I don
’
t know what
’
s going on between us. I
’
m afraid of sending out a message before I know exactly what
kind I want to send out. And on top of that, I usually have episodes when I
think about that night. I don
’
t want her to see me like that;
screaming and crying like a child.

“
Are you okay?
”
she asks softly.

“
I
’
m
fine,
”
I answer. She looks so concerned, I
don
’
t
have the heart to leave. I guess the guest room isn
’
t really sending out too much of a message.

“
Do you need some sweats or something?
I can go get a pair of Andy
’
s.
”

I
shake my head. I am not wearing some other dude
’
s pants.

“
Okay, well, good night.
”
She steps close, kissing me on the cheek. I love the feel
of her soft skin against my coarse scruff. Closing my eyes, I manage a to
mumble out a
“
night.
”
And then she leaves.

I
lie there half the night, staring up at the ceiling. Thoughts are racing
through my mind at a million miles per hour. I don
’
t want to think. But I
really
don
’
t want to dream, either.

Eventually,
exhaustion takes over. My eyes close and refuse to open again. I drift in and
out. In my nightmare, I feel the usual fear, but something
’
s different. Instead of Nadia
’
s screams, I hear Kayla
’
s voice, soothing away the pain. I
feel her touch and smell her scent. And when the dream runs its course, I don
’
t wake in a cold sweat. I don
’
t wake at all.

In
the morning, I climb out of bed and throw on my T-shirt. I find Kayla in the
kitchen with coffee and slightly burnt strawberry Pop-Tarts. She obviously
bought them for me. It makes me smile. She makes me smile. For the first time,
I let myself wonder if my brother is right. Maybe it
’
s time I finally let someone in.

Dean

A couple of days later,
Kayla shows up at my apartment with a pizza and a six-pack. She’s been on my
mind constantly. I feel like a fucking girl with the intense sway of emotions I’ve
been dealing with. One minute I’m flying high, thinking maybe I
can
do
this relationship thing, but the next I plummet into self-pity, convinced that
there’s no way I could—or should—pursue her.

Regardless, I love that she’s here—though I
hate that she came into this neighborhood by herself. I know she’s seen worse,
but it still makes me nervous.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was hungry. Thought you might be, too. Hi, by
the way. Nice to see you.”

“Jesus Christ, woman,
” I say, taking the
pizza from her as she enters.

“What?” she asks, following me into the kitchen.

“Can you at least call next time? This is not a
good neighborhood. You need to at least let me know when you’re coming so I can
meet you downstairs.”

“Fine,” she says, setting the beer on the
counter. “I promise that from now on, I will tell you when I’m coming.”

“Thank you.
” It takes me a split-second to
see the twinkle in her eye. I grit my teeth as she smiles coyly at me. This
woman and her innuendos. I’m pretty sure she has a dirtier mind than I do,
which is pretty impressive. I’ve spent the last couple weeks whacking off to
thoughts of her in different positions. I have to turn around to hide my
growing affection when one particular fantasy flashes through my mind. I grab
plates out of the cabinet, trying to push away the images, but it doesn’t work.
All the little voice in my head keeps saying is “She wants me. She wouldn’t
deny me.”

“So, Emily says your mom and dad go all out for
the gala.” Problem solved. Mom, Dad, and my brother
’s wife in one
sentence? Boner killer.

“Yeah,” I answer, setting the plates down next to
the pizza box. “My mom likes to coordinate events. This is the Spring Gala. She
calls the one at Christmas the Holiday Charity Ball. Those are the only two I’m
required to attend.”

Kayla grins at me. “I bet you love it, don’t you?
You know, Warren has some kick-ass tuxes. I’m sure he’d love to dress you.
Although he might insist on taking you as his date. Never mind, then.”

I chuckle.
“Didn’t you say he was dressing
you?”

“Yeah,” she says, nodding.

“Then why isn’t he making you go as his date?”

“Because I won’t sleep with him.” I toss a couple
of slices onto each plate and raise my eyebrows at her. “Not that you would
either,” she laughs, letting out a little snort. “Would you?”

I leave the beer and pizza and take a step toward
her. She takes a step back.

“Ask that question again, Kayla.”

“Which one? The one about loving these formal
occasions or the one about you sleeping with
—”

She doesn’t even get the sentence out before I
attack. She tries to jump away, but my reflexes are too fast. I grab her and
hold on, reaching back for one of the cold bottles of beer.

“No, no, no, no, no! I was just kidding, Dean.
Please don’t. Please don’t.” She squeals and convulses as I slip the bottle
under her shirt and press it against her bare stomach. When I let her go, she
catapults herself across the room. “You jerk! That was cold,” she yells.

“I know,” I laugh. Returning to our dinner, I
take an overexaggerated bite. Then I pop the top off the bottle of beer I just
used against her and take a swig. She scowls at me, but it doesn’t last long. “I
thought you said you were hungry?” I smirk, pushing a plate her way.

“I am, but I’m afraid to get near you right now.”

I bark out a laugh. “Oh, come on, sweetheart. I’m
harmless.” I open a bottle of beer for her. “Here’s my white flag.” I grin.

“Mmhmm.” She grabs her plate and beer and turns,
heading toward my couch. I watch her ass as she walks away. She’s wearing a
pair of really tight white jeans. It’s a spectacular view.

Kayla sets her food down on the table and walks
over to my bookshelf, which doesn’t actually hold books, but all my DVDs. She
runs her fingers over the spines. There has to be a couple hundred of them, and
I think she’s actually reading the title of every single one. When she reaches
the end, she looks confused.

“Are these all the DVDs you have?”

“Yeah, why?” I ask before taking another bite.

“Why don’t you have any porn?”

I choke on the bite of pizza I’m trying to
swallow. “Uh
…what?”

“Porn, Dean. You’re a single, healthy male. Why
don’t you have any porn?”

“Y
—you…wanna watch porn?” I stutter.
I really can’t wrap my mind around this woman.

She shakes her head and smiles. “I was just
noticing.”

“Porn’s not usually the kind of thing I keep with
my regular collection,” I explain, still trying to figure out how our
conversation ended up here. “You know, where my parents can see it and all.
”

Kayla looks around. “Somehow I can’t picture your
parents here.” She’s right
—my parents have only been to my
apartment twice. Both times were unannounced. “So you do have porn then?”

“Are you really challenging my manhood for the
second time tonight?” I question, feigning insult.

She shakes her head and giggles. “No, I trust
you.
”

“Good. Because it’s easily accessible online these
days. There’s no need for a hardcopy.”

“Really?”

“You didn’t know that?”

“I do now. Thanks,” she teases, grinning cheekily
and producing
The Hangover
from behind her back. “How about this one?”

The rest of the night, we hang out, watching the
movie and drinking beer. After a bit, Kayla gets cold, so I cover her with a
fleece blanket. She digs her toes under my thigh. I have to admit, it’s nice
having someone around to break up the monotony of my solitary life. It’s nice
having
Kayla
around to break up the monotony of my solitary life.

She knows about my past now, but isn’t treating
me any differently. She isn’t handling me with kid gloves. Maybe Aiden
’s
suggestion that Kayla might understand better than most was right from the very
beginning. She’s not some innocent girl who wants to save me, and she’s not
looking for a cheap thrill with a bad boy. She’s a woman who’s seen the worst
in people and still found a way to forgive them, help them, and accept who they
are.

“Why are you staring at me?” she asks.

“Huh?”

“Do I have something on my face?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Ooookay.” She turns her head back toward the
television, but shifts her eyes to look at me again. I slug down the rest of my
beer and go back to watching the movie. By the time they find the missing groom
on the rooftop of the hotel, Kayla is really fidgety.

“You okay over there?” I ask.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she assures. I’m not sure I
believe her, though. She’s acting a little odd. After a couple of minutes, I
feel her feet slip out from under my thigh and a split-second later, she’s in
my lap, straddling me.

“What are you doing?” I ask, a little shocked.

“I’m gonna kiss you.”

“You are?
” I ask, smirking to hide my
surprise. My dick twitches beneath her.

“Uh-huh. You gonna stop me this time?” She
challenges. I put my hands on her hips, running them down her thighs before
returning to just above her ass.

“I’m not gonna stop you.” I
’m trying to
play this off like I’m not nervous, but I am. It’s been a long time since I’ve
actually kissed a woman. It’s just not something I do very often. Kissing feels
a lot more intimate than fucking for some reason. But I really want to kiss
Kayla.

“Good.” Her lips meet my cheek, just to the left
of my mouth. Drawing her head back, she looks at me. “Missed,” she whispers. I
narrow my eyes at her. When she comes back to me, it’s just to the right. “Whoops.
I did it again.”

“Are you teasing me, sweetheart?” I ask. She
smiles and leans in. I put my index finger against her mouth before she has the
opportunity to play with me anymore. “I suggest you don’t miss this time.”
Taking my finger away, I allow her to proceed. This time, she doesn’t
disappoint.

For a few seconds, the kiss is chaste. Lip on lip
and nothing more. She opens her mouth, an invitation to take it further if I
want
—and I definitely want. I push my tongue forward, meeting
hers.

Kayla tilts her head, and I’m back where I’m
supposed to be, completely infatuated with her tongue. My hands, which are
still resting on her hips, grip and pull her into me. She moans into my mouth.

My hard-on has to be noticeable now. If it’s not,
I’m about to make it noticeable. It
’s a primal instinct to lift my hips,
thrusting against her. She rocks against me in response.

As good as this all feels, the insecure thoughts
begin to creep through my mind. What the fuck am I doing? She thinks she wants
this, but she doesn
’t. Getting involved with me would be a huge fucking
mistake. And what if it’s weird when she has to be at Wyatt House to meet with
Logan for his IL session tomorrow?

Kayla ends the kiss as my internal debate
continues. Her hips stop moving, but her chest is heaving right in front of my
face.

“Wow,” she sighs.

My rock-solid dick is still pressed against her.
I’m trying not to move. Should I look her in the eyes? I’m staring at her tits
at the moment. They’re gorgeous, and I can only imagine what they look like
without all the layers of clothing, but I suppose I
’m being rude. I lift
my gaze to meet hers.

“You still haven
’t let go, have you?”

I shake my head. “I’m sorry,
” I groan. “I’m
trying. This isn’t easy for me.”

She nods, but I don
’t know if it’s in
understanding or defeat. She’s turned away from me, and I can’t read her face.
I get a hint when she climbs off my lap. I don’t want her to go, but I don’t
know what to say to make her stay.

I really don’t know how to do this. I never had a
girlfriend before Steph, and we went straight from first kiss to first blowjob
to first fuck within an hour. When you don’t have a lot of unsupervised time,
you condense. After the divorce, I always went from meeting to the main event.
Whatever it is Kayla and I are doing, it’s completely foreign to me, and I feel
like an inexperienced teenager.

She sits close to me for the rest of the movie,
but doesn’t touch me. I can see her worrying her thumbnail out of the corner of
my eye. I feel like shit. I keep encouraging her, but then I can
’t seem
to get out of my own head. I want her, but I don’t think I deserve her.
Sometimes I think maybe I can be good enough, and other times I’m just plain
fucking terrified that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to offer
her any sort of normal relationship. The back and forth is taking its toll, and
my head begins to throb.

We sit until the credits are finished rolling,
and then Kayla stands up. She stretches her arms above her head, letting out a
long sigh-groan. Her shirt creeps up, exposing a sliver of navel. What the fuck
is wrong with me? I have a gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, compassionate woman in
front of me offering me everything, and I’m too fucking scared to take it.

“I have to be at work early in the morning to get
a couple of things done before court. I’ll see you in the afternoon?”

“I think so. Simon
’s taking the weekend,
so he’s got the next few days off. Aiden and Em have the morning shift, but I’ll
be in when she has to leave to pick up their kids from school.” I’m babbling.
Kayla knows something’s wrong—I can see it in her eyes.

“Thanks for dinner,” I mumble.

Kayla puts on her coat and boots. I put on mine,
too, so I can walk her down.

“You don’t have to,” she protests.

“Yes, I do.”

She rolls her eyes, but I think she appreciates
my company when we pass a couple of older teenagers smoking weed and drinking
in the stairwell. They make crude comments under their breath, and Kayla curls
into my side a little, but they stop when I give them the
I’m-gonna-fuck-you-up
look.

“Next time?” I ask, knowing she’ll catch my
drift.

“I’ll call to let you know I’m on my way,” she
acquiesces. There’s a difference between being brave and being stupid. I don’t
want her to take any unnecessary risks.

Getting to her car, she digs for her keys,
unlocking and opening the door. I don
’t want to leave it like this, but
I just stand there as she gets into her car and drives away. I’m such a fucking
wuss.

* * *

When I wake up in the
morning, I don’t want to get out of bed. I can’t get Kayla out of my head. All
night, I smelled her hair, felt her tongue, heard her whimpers and moans. If I
thought my fantasies of her were intense before, having a real life soundtrack
in my head makes them so much more.

I finally climb out of bed and mess around for a
few hours before heading into work. When I get to Wyatt House around two, Emily
looks pissed.