Angel (6 page)

Eight

“Hey, bro. Lookin’ good.”

Kiernan scowled back at me from where he sat partially reclined on the mechanical bed in his too-hot-to-handle white hospital gown with the little blue and red polka dots.

“Leave your brother alone.” Mom rooted through an overnight bag she kept in her trunk packed with some of Kiernan’s things for situations such as these. “He’s had a rough day.”

Pulling out a pair of old sweats and a t-shirt, she handed them over to Kiernan, who looked at them like they were made of pure gold. “Thanks, Mom.”

He scooted over to the side of the bed, only to be barricaded by her body. “Did the doctor clear you to get out of that bed?”

“Mom,” Kiernan groaned and rolled his eyes. “What am I supposed to do? Change here?”

“Wait until the doctor moves you to a private room.”

“That could take
hours
.”

“Kiernan—”

“Mom . . .” As much as I was enjoying the show, I took pity on the poor kid. Jade was anxious to see him and somehow I doubted he wanted her in the audience for his drag show. “Let him go change in the bathroom. It’ll only take a minute and I’ll go with him.”

“What will the doctor say?” Mom folded her arms and tipped her head. She was a formidable woman, but when faced with the united front of her sons, she usually caved.

“Nothing. What’s he going to do? Tell Kiernan to get up
again
to go change back into the gown? No.”

I let her stew on that for a minute until she huffed a dramatic sigh. A clear sign we’d won. Celebrating too soon was the only thing that could ruin this for us now, so Kiernan and I both remained stone faced until she announced her
surrender. “Oh, fine. Go ahead, then. But make it quick.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Kiernan pecked her lightly on the cheek as he slid past her.

Dizziness is a common side effect of seizures. After Kiernan’s first seizure, he regained consciousness before the EMTs arrived and tried to stand up. He ended up with a pretty nasty bruise on his forehead. Probably why Mom was so keen on keeping him in that bed. Definitely why I followed behind him close enough to be considered harassment.

He made it past nurses and aids, almost to the bathroom door at the end of the hall before stumbling. Another benefit of my invasion of his personal space was that I blocked their view as I steadied him with a hand on his shoulder and shoved him through the door.

Recovering quickly, Kiernan scurried into the first stall to change his clothes before Mom changed her mind.

“So . . .” I couldn’t see him, but that didn’t mean I was done keeping an eye on him. Or at the very least, an ear. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” One foot disappeared from beneath the stall door and I heard a bang as he hopped around. “I was at this writing workshop with Jade and—”

The foot reappeared and all movement stopped inside the stall. “Shit . . . Jade.”

I was wondering how long it would take him to connect-the-dots. “Yeah.”

Silence permeated the cold room, broken only by the continued sounds of Kiernan struggling to dress in confined quarters.

The door swung inward and Kiernan’s pale face stared at me through his reflection in the mirror. “Please tell me she wasn’t in the ambulance, at least.”

My silence was all the answer he needed.

Kiernan groaned and shoved the gown into the trash bin beside the sinks. “Is she okay?”

“She’ll be alright. She was scared, but what do you expect?” 

Guilt blanketed the room. “You told her, didn’t you?”

“I had to.”

Bracing himself against the cold porcelain of the sink, Kiernan shut his eyes and let his head fall forward. “Did I break her heart? Am I the biggest jerk on the planet?”

“No. You’re a scared kid, dealing with a lot of really serious shit, and having to make some really tough decisions.”

“But I made all the wrong ones. I should have told her. I should have listened to you. It should have been
me
. You kept telling me to tell her, I just . . . I just kept thinking I had more time, ya know? One more day?” His tone flooded with resignation. “But I didn’t. And I put it on you, instead. I know you didn’t want to be the one to hurt her. I’m sorry.”

“What’s done is done, Kiernan. You can Monday morning quarterback it all you want. It’s not going to change a thing. What matters is that she knows, now. And she’s still sitting out there, waiting to see you. She’s
still here
, Kier.”

Straightening, he flipped on the faucet and washed his hands. “Do you think they’ll let her in to see me?”

“Technically, it’s family only. But you know Mom. They’ll let Jade in.”

He nodded absently as he balled the paper towel and tossed it in the trash. “I need to talk to her. I need to explain. And apologize. And . . .”

“I don’t think any of that is neces—”

“What if it’s too much for her?” True fear—the kind I’d only seen from Kiernan a handful of times throughout all of this—flashed in his eyes. “She’s dealing with so much, Cal. You have no idea.”

I thought I had a pretty good idea, actually, but I kept my mouth shut.

“It’s like all of this
stuff
has been weighing on her for years—her whole life—causing tiny stress fractures all the way down to her foundation. What if this is the final blow that brings it all crumbling down? What if
I
end up destroying her?”

“Take a breath, bro.” Nausea rolled over me as he put voice to my deepest fears, but I wouldn’t let him see that. Kiernan was practically panting with anxiety. If I brought him back to that room stressed out and worked up, they’d never let him leave that bed again. “I think you’re giving yourself too much credit. And Jade,
too little. She’s stronger than you think. Jade’s a tough girl. She’ll get through this.”

“I know.” I was glad to see him take a calming breath and release it slowly. “I know she is. I just . . . I wanted to be the one to help her.
Why can’t I be the one to help her hold it all together?”

“You
can
. Kiernan, just because she knows the truth doesn’t mean anything has to change. She still needs you. A blind man could see how much you mean to her. You love her. She loves you. Don’t waste that. And don’t waste time. It’s too precious.”

Kiernan nodded. “You’re right.”

“I usually am.” A self-amused smirk curled my lips.

I know Kiernan heard me because he shook his head at me, but he continued as though I hadn’t spoken. “Can you get her? Send her in?”

“I can. But you’d better get your butt back in that bed before Mom needs to be admitted.”

Kiernan tried and failed to hide a yawn behind a smile. “Don’t worry. If we’re the cause of Mom getting admitted, it won’t be to the emergency room. It’ll be the psych ward.”

***

For the longest time, I stood there watching her. Jade looked exhausted, slumped sideway
s in her seat as though gravity itself had grown too strong a force for her to resist. The weight of the truth weighing her down. Grounding her into the dirt. It had been a long, emotional day for us all. She was fading fast, and she hadn’t even faced the hardest part of it, yet.

“Hey.” I slid into the chair beside her, carefully searching her face for signs of shock. I never should have left her alone out there. Her eyes were damp, but clear and alert. Leftover tears lingered on her cheeks, but otherwise her skin was dry. Not cold or clammy. And her breathing appeared to be even. “He wants to see you. Are you going to be alright?”

“I’ll hold it together.” The transformation was practically instantaneous. The shields slamming into place. Her tumultuous gaze locking down and staring back at me with an almost deadly calm. The strong perfume of sadness that hung heavy in the air around her only moments earlier dissipated until barely a whiff remained.

“I know. I’m not worried about that.” Her shields were impenetrable. It was what was happening behind those shields that concerned me. “I’m worried about
you
.”

“I’ll be fine.” She didn’t look any more convinced of that statement than I was.

“I told him that you know. He wasn’t thrilled that I was the one to tell you, but he understands why I had to. He’s really sorry that he didn’t tell you sooner.” 

“I’m not mad at him, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
 

“I already told you what I’m worried about.”
 

“And I told you, I’m fine. What room is he in?”
 She may have come across as snippy to anyone else, but I knew what the problem was. Beyond the obvious stress she was under, Jade wasn’t used to having anyone worry about her. She didn’t know how to react to it.

She practically vibrated with nervous energy the whole way down the hall. And when Mom emerged and pulled her into a hug, it was clear she wasn’t used to that, either.

Mom was in tears. Jade’s eyes were misting over. I needed to separate them before we ended up with a mess on our hands. “Alright, enough, Mom. You don’t want to turn her into a blubbering mess before she even gets through the door.”

I wrapped an arm around Mom’s shoulders, easing her away from Jade. “Let’s give them some time. Go ahead.”

Jade reached for the doorknob, but all of that nervous energy had abandoned her. She looked unsure of herself and more than a little frightened. Understandable. The last she’d seen Kiernan, he’d been unconscious in the back of an ambulance. She had no idea what waited on the other side of that door.

Mom headed back toward the waiting room as my hand closed over Jade’s shoulder. “It’s just Kiernan. And he just wants to see his girlfriend. You’ll be fine, remember?”
 

She nodded with a confidence I knew she couldn’t feel and reached again. This time she made the final leap across the threshold and I watched the door swing shut behind her.

Mom was plugging away on her phone when I caught up to her. Her yellow scrubs with the tiny blue moons, crumpled and unkempt. She’d been in the middle of a double shift when Kiernan was brought in. The tidy ponytail she always wore to work had come loose and hung in tangles around her shoulders from having her hands run through it so many times. Even her makeup had been wiped away along with her tears.

Sighing, she leaned against the waiting room wall and shut her eyes.

“Why don’t you go home, Mom? You look tired.”

“Gee, thanks, Cal.” Her smile was weak, but genuine.

“You know what I mean. It’s been a long day. The doctor already said Kiernan won’t be released until morning. You might as well get some rest until then.”

“What about you? Are you heading home now?” Mom reached for her purse and started fishing around inside.

“Figured I’d hang around here until Jade’s ready and drop her off at home on my way.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you.” Dangling her car keys, she zipped up the bag. “How late do you think you’ll be?”

“I don’t know. Visiting hours are almost over.”

“
Mmhmm.” She nodded absently, her eyes glued to the door, behind which Kiernan was struggling to comfort Jade, while she struggled to do the same for him. “Alright, then. I’ll see you in a bit. And please tell Jade I said good night.”

“I will.” Watching Mom shuffle toward the exit, it struck me that she didn’t stand quite as tall as she used to.

***

The sun sank low, casting a bright orange glare through the oversized windows that made up the entire west wall of the Emergency Department. My ass was going numb in the hard, plastic chairs waiting for Jade. I knew they had a lot to talk about and that it would take time to sort through it all, but I was anxious to see the end result. To fast-forward and
know
that they would both be alright. The
not knowing
was causing some serious damage to my blood pressure.

The glare had diminished to little more than a glow on the horizon by the time she reemerged.

“Hey.” I stood and met her halfway. “How was it?”

“It was . . . better than I expected.” Her fingers twisted tightly in the dark hair falling over her shoulder. “He seems so . . . normal. Like nothing’s wrong.”

“Yeah. I know. It can be so easy to forget sometimes. But you can’t. You can’t let yourself forget. Otherwise, you have to deal with the remembering part. And that sucks.”

“Good point.” Her fingers broke free from the strands of dark silk strangling them and she immediately started in on her poor nails.

“Do you have a ride home?”

“Um . .
.” What was left of her fingernails were saved when she ripped her hand away from her mouth and shoved it in her pocket. “I figured I’d just call a cab.” Her hand shifted around her pocket and she frowned. “Or walk. It’s not that far and—”

“It’s dark, Jade. You’re not walking home. And I’m sure as hell not letting you waste your money on a cab when I have a perfectly good car just sitting in the lot.”