And Eternity (15 page)

“Then Gawain brought Norton, a wandering environmentalist, and the sight of his glow overwhelmed me so that I could hardly speak. He and I faltered through an introduction, but I knew from the outset that he was the one. Indeed, he came to live with me, and we were lovers, and he fathered my baby, and then-” She found herself crying.

“I know the history,” Roque said gently. “I regret that such tragedy came to you.”

“So now I am a ghost, having followed my baby,” she continued after a while. “But when Jolie and I went to see the Incarnation of Night, and I became a man and attempted to rape her, that was such a blow to my self-esteem that I retreated entirely. I had seen most men, other than Norton, as crude, lecherous animals, but now I knew that I was no better, for I had been worse than they, when given their imperative. I had never dreamed that sex could be so powerful a force! It entirely overwhelmed me, and all ethical scruples ceased to have meaning. I simply yielded to the imperative to do it, and damned be all else. Only Nox’s intercession, her offering of herself to sate my intemperate lust, aborted my effort. I wronged my friend Jolie, but that was only the half of it, because my confidence in my own quality of character was shaken. How could I condemn any man for yielding to his passion, after that? How could I consider myself in any way superior, or even equal to others, in the moral sense? And so I gave up my quest, finding myself unworthy of it, and let myself sink toward Hell, where it seemed I belonged. Only Jolie saved me, by refusing to let me descend, though she was the one I had wronged.

“She brought me to this host so that I would not sink the moment she let go of my soul. Here I became immersed in the horrors of a girl of the street, and realized that it was not enough merely to condemn myself for my fall; I had to try to do something about the evil that was around me and in me. Then the host came to you, and I came to know you, Roque. I had forgotten that there are differences in men, as there are in women. Forgotten that I had known and loved a good man, Norton. Indeed, now I saw that I had not loved him enough. When my baby died, all I could think of was the baby, and I went to join him. Now I see how badly I wronged Norton, who loved me. I could not save my baby, but I could have saved my relationship with Norton. So I was doing wrong before I went to Nox. I had been intemperate in my narrow vision, and came to understand it and rue it too late.”

“But now, for a time, I am alive again, borrowing the body of a girl. Temporary though it may be, I am resolved to acquit myself better than I did in my own life. My crime was to neglect the importance of the personal relationship, to underrate love. You have helped show me that, by being what you are: a fair and generous man. Vita loves you, Roque, and I am not sure that this is a fleeting fancy. It is my wish to intercede in what manner I may to facilitate the consummation of her love during the window that is available to it. Soon she will return home and that window will be closed. I am aware that you do not wish to have an untoward relationship with a girl who is below the legal age of consent. But if you will have one with me, in the knowledge that she is present-”

“I will not,” Roque said firmly. “I will deal with her directly, invoking no surrogate.”

“And this is the other aspect of what you have done for me,” she continued, unperturbed. “You have shown me that it is possible for a man to withstand temptation. I know the forces that are in you, for I have experienced them myself. But what overwhelmed me, you control so consistently that never by word or glance or deed do you yield to it. I envy you that control, and I admire you for that and all that you are. You are another man I could love, Roque; I do not do so because it is no longer my prerogative. I cannot make up in death what I squandered in life. But now I have the assurance that to be male is not necessarily to be evil, and I thank you for restoring that perspective to me.”

“I thank you for your candor,” Roque said. “I wish I had known you during your life. Perhaps I wish that I could have been the man to approach you, in your ghost marriage, for there is much that I like about your attitude. Of course, I might not have glowed the way your lover did-”

“You do glow, brightly,” she said. “You would certainly have qualified. In fact, you would qualify for almost any woman. How is it that you are not married?”

“I really am not apt with women,” Roque confessed. “Somehow it seemed that each woman in whom I might have taken an interest was taken by a more aggressive or endowed man. Justice was always my passion, and the girls had other interests. So I never married, to my regret.”

“Had any woman come to know you as we are coming to know you, things would have been different.”

“It is kind of you to say so. In fact I very much appreciate the sentiment.”

“Perhaps we should sleep now,” she said, closing her eyes in the darkness, half expecting him to make some sort of a move, for she was very close to him.

“Of course.” He made no move, though his glow showed his desire.

Next day they took another hike, admiring the scenery both great and small. Roque had an interest in all things natural and was happy to discourse on it, and Orlene and Vita were happy to listen, for their separate reasons: Orlene remembered Norton’s similar interest, and Vita thought that anything to do with Roque was fascinating.

At night Orlene turned the body over to Vita. Vita approached Roque. “Vita, here. Tonight is my turn. May I be with you?”

Roque smiled. “I said I would deal with you directly, invoking no surrogate. I rather suspected this confrontation would come.”

She put the bags together and linked them, joining him in her nightie. “I promised to behave, and in these weeks with you, I have come to understand what discipline can be. Orlene and Jolie taught me a lot, and not just about school subjects. You taught me a lot, too, Roque, and not just in court. So I think this time I can be near you without going haywire, but if I lose my grip, Orlene will take over so you won’t be embarrassed.”

“This is commendable,” Roque replied.

“You know how I feel about you, and I know you have no interest in juvenile girls, but would it be too far out of line if I asked you to sort of put your arms around me?”

“You are in error about one of your assumptions, Vita.”

She froze. “I’m sorry, I guess I asked too much.”

“No, your request was reasonable in the circumstance.” He put his arms around her bringing her close to him.

She was almost afraid to move, lest he change his mind. “Thank you, Roque. It means so much to me. After the experience I’ve had, it’s really been neat to be with a man who didn’t want to, you know. I’m really sorry I came on to you the way I did before. I guess control and restraint are the biggest things I’ve been learning. I just somehow thought that the only way to please a man was-”

“Please desist, before you embarrass me further.”

“Sorry,” she said, chagrined.

“There is something I must tell you,” he said gravely. “Aspects of it may not please you, and if that is the case, you have my apology, and I will understand if you prefer to separate yourself from me.”

“You’re going to send me home!” she cried, stricken. “No. Were you listening when I talked with Orlene last night?”

“Yes,” she said faintly.

“Then you are aware that I have never married and never was able to develop a close association with a member of the opposite sex. There is an aspect I did not discuss, however.”

“No! You can’t be gay!” she exclaimed in horror.

He laughed. “No, that is not my situation. But certainly I have had a secret vice. I am, despite your impression, typical of men in my desires. In my private imagination for many years I have pictured an event of a nature I have never cared to advertise. In this vision an attractive young woman approaches me and states that she has conceived an inordinate passion for me and wishes to indulge herself with me in the wildest of sexual orgies. This is of course forbidden, for she may not even be of legal age. Yet in my vision I am sorely tempted, assured that no other party would know.”

Vita lifted her head. “You’re joking!”

“Far from it. When you stated that you wished to be my mistress, you fulfilled that secret desire. I knew that I should send you immediately to some other facility. I knew that I was wrong in my failure to do that. Even then, I knew that in time you and I would find ourselves as we are now. I accepted the ruse of Orlene’s control, knowing that she would free you for this encounter. Therefore, I can not claim any surprise; I wanted to be alone with you. This is the manner you have misread me; I am no better than any of the men who have used you in the past.”

Vita was stunned. “You-You wanted me all the time?”

“I did. I fought against it, knowing how wrong it was to implement any part of my fell vision, and lost. But I assure you that this is as far as it will go. I have no intention of molesting you, and if I have repulsed you by this confession,I certainly understand.”

“But last night Orlene was willing, and you didn’t touch her.”

“That was less nobility than expedience. My desire is not for Orlene, though certainly I would be interested if that were her wish. My desire is for you.”

“But you knew I was watching! You could have done it with her, and I could’ve pretended it was me.”

“She offered herself as a legitimizing personality, she being of age and experience to know her mind. She did not truly desire this kind of interaction with me, but felt that she owed it to you, for the use you have allowed her of your body. I find that a fine gesture on her part, but it is not one I care to indulge. My vision is illicit; my desire is for the body and personality of youth.”

“Young flesh!” she exclaimed. “All day you put away pimps and women who do it, and you crave it yourself!”

“That is my secret shame. I regret destroying your image of me, but I felt you should know the truth.”

“You don’t really care for me, you just want young flesh!” she charged.

“The irony is that I do care for you. I have been impressed by the manner you settled down and worked at learning, and by your increasingly proper deportment. I know that many times at meals and during our walks in the roof park the others have relinquished your body to you, and that after your first declaration, you have not shamed yourself in your actions or words. You have been helpful to Vaasta; indeed, she has spoken favorably of you. You are becoming a fine young woman, and it ill behooves me to interfere with that. This is why my illicit passion for your flesh is such an evil; it spoils what would otherwise be an excellent relationship.”

“But you know if you asked me, I’d be glad to spread my legs for you!”

“That is one reason I have not asked you. The willingness of the girl does not excuse sexual abuse.”

“So you just figured to get me here like this, and tell me your desire, and that’ll maybe turn me off, and it’ll be over,” Vita said. “You aren’t one for force or rape or anything like that.”

“I am afraid so.”

“But you sort of hoped it wouldn’t turn me off, and I’d dive right in with you anyway.”

“It is the time for candor.”

Vita thought about it, not moving from his embrace. “I guess I should ask Orlene.”

“She well might have some sage advice for you at this stage.”

“But I’m not going to. You know what I really wanted,I said I wanted to be your mistress?”

“Love, security, attention.”

“That’s right! And the best way I ever knew to get it was to please a man, and the best way to please a man was by having sex with him. I didn’t know any other way to win your interest, and I wanted it real bad.”

“I think I was aware of that too. Certainly you are not obliged to prostitute yourself to me for-”

“Oh, shut up, Roque! I want your love! Now I know that it’s not the same as your sex. Can you say you love me?”

Roque hesitated. “I cannot say I do not.”

“Why not just lie to me?” she flared. “Say the magic word, and I’ll do anything you want!”

“This is, of course, standard procedure with men,” he said. “To tell a woman it is love, when the true object is merely sex. I would not care to deceive you in that manner.”

“Why not?” she demanded.

“It would not be ethical. But apart from that, I am uncertain of my feeling for you. It would be foolish for a middle-aged man to love a child in that manner.”

“Then tell me you don’t love me!”

“I cannot.”

“If I can’t have your love, I’ll give it to you for honesty. Nobody ever seemed to care much before how I felt about it, and you do.”

“True.”

“Oh Roque, could you maybe just kiss me and see how it is?”

“I am not certain that would be wise.”

“So call me out of order!” she said, and turned her face to find his in the dark. She kissed him emphatically. He remained passive for a moment, then his arms tightened around her. He kissed her back. It seemed to go on forever, and her feeling ignited, and she half climbed on him, trying to get closer than close.

“Oh, Roque,” she gasped. “If that isn’t love, I’ll settle for it!”

“It is passion,” he said. “Not to be trusted.”

“Look, I know a girl’s not supposed to get all hot and eager, especially when she’s underage, but I’ve just got to have you! All those bad men I’ve had in me, let me get one good one and erase all the rest!”

“This isn’t right-” he began.

“You have your vision, I have mine too! I want you to want me, to want me so bad you just can’t help yourself,” she said, clawing out of her nightie. “Maybe the world will end tomorrow if you do it, but you’re so hot you don’t care, you just gotta have me, and I’m yours, Roque, I’m yours.” Free of her clothing, she started to work on his. “Your vision is my vision, you crafted it just for me-that’s what I want to believe!”

He could not withhold his mounting passion. “Ask Orlene!” he cried. “Ask her if she can tolerate this!”

You’re doing great, girl!
Orlene thought, feeling hot herself.
Maybe it is wrong, but it’s got to be!

“She says to go for it!” Vita panted, getting his pajamas open.