And De Fun Don't Done (38 page)

‘Hey, Marlow!'

Marlow looked up from what he was doing, somewhat startled. ‘Les. I'm terribly sorry. What…?'

Terri just gave Les a dirty, supercilious kind of look, as if to say, Hah! Couldn't handle it could you? Now you've got the shits. Good. I got you, you asshole.

‘Listen, Marlow,' continued Les, ‘my bedroom's just down the hall.' He nodded his head in the general direction. ‘Why don't you both go in there and finish the job off? I'll sit here and listen to some music. Go on, you're sweet.'

If the look in Marlow's eyes had been a bit weird earlier, the grin that suddenly spread across his face was purely diabolical. ‘I say, Les, what an absolutely splendid idea. Jolly good. Come on Terri, old fruit. Let's go.'

With the weights dropped right on her, Terri looked a little surprised. But before she knew it Marlow had dragged her off down the hall. Oh well, mused Norton. I wonder how long that'll take. Marlow looks like a bit of a stropper, but I'd say — thirty minutes max. Then I'll ring Joey. Les raised his glass in the direction of the bedroom. So stick it in an extra inch or so for me, Marlow old fruit, cause I'm bloody sure I don't want to.

Norton settled back on the lounge with his drink while the tape played, and closed his eyes. Before long grunts and groans accompanied by much moaning and gasping were coming from his bedroom. Oh well, he smiled to
himself, they're getting into it, and going well by the sound of things. Shouldn't be too much longer now and they'll be finished with my bed. My bed! Shit! I think I'd better give the sheets a drink tomorrow. They'll be like bloody tar-paper by the morning. Les switched off to the sexual whatevers that were going on in his bedroom and concentrated on the music. After a while it seemed to quieten down momentarily and he was half dozing off thinking about home when he was slightly startled by a tap on his shoulder.

‘Marlow! What the fuck do you want? And get that fuckin' thing out of my face.'

Marlow was standing next to him stark naked with a wet, shiny-looking horn poking out perilously close to Norton's nose. ‘Sorry about that, old chap,' he whispered, then crouched down next to Les. ‘I say, Les. How would you like to be in a bit of a lark, old boy?'

Norton screwed up his face. ‘A lark? What…?'

‘Look. All I'm saying is this, old chap.' Marlow nodded his head in the direction of the bedroom. ‘That yank bird's a bit slack what. A bit off. And I'd like to play a trick on her.'

‘A trick?'

‘Yes yes, exactly. And what I propose is this…'

Norton listened to what Marlow had to say. What he suggested definitely appealed to Norton's sense of humour if not quite his good taste or sense of ethics. But what Marlow said about Terri was true. She was a bit of a pain in the arse and playing a trick on her would liven up the evening and be something to have a laugh about when he got home. Les thought for a moment or two more then nodded his head.

‘Okay, Marlow, I'll be in it. But there's no way in the world I'm going to root her. But get back to work and I'll be waiting by the door in about five minutes.'

Marlow rubbed his hands together gleefully. ‘Jolly good, Les.' He tiptoed back into the bedroom and before long the sound of heavy breathing and porking again filled the air.

Norton waited a minute or so then went into the kitchen. He opened the fridge, took out one of the carrots he'd peeled earlier and held it in his hand. Yes, he mused, that ought to do the job, though it's a bit on the cold side. But. Smiling drunkenly Les turned to the microwave oven. I reckon about seven inches of carrot set at medium-high for two minutes should do the job. He put the carrot in the microwave and set the controls. Two minutes later a ‘ding' said it was ready. Norton got it out, checked it in his hand again and gave a nod of grudging approval. Yes, not quite the old pulsating rod, but close enough. He smeared it with a bit of olive oil then with the carrot in his hand Les tiptoed down the hall and waited outside the bedroom door.

Marlow had Terri on the bed in the missionary position going for his life. His well-bred, white Irish arse was pumping away as he licked her sweaty neck while she grunted and farted and oohed and ahhed. She wasn't throwing her backside around much or kicking her legs up and impressed Norton as being as dud a root as she looked. Les watched indifferently outside the partly open door for a minute or so until Marlow spoke.

‘Terri, my darling,' he panted, ‘this is fantastic. But I wish to do something different. Something… a little kinky.'

‘Kinky?' puffed Terri. ‘Like what?'

‘Hop up for a moment, my dear. Bend over and put your hands on the windowsill and close your eyes, while I have you from behind.'

‘What?'

Before Terri knew quite what was going on, Marlow had her off the bed and bent over against the half-open window, her head facing outside with her hands resting on the windowsill. He spread her legs apart a little more then started humping her from behind, dog fashion. Terri went along with it; she even seemed to be enjoying it. Every now and again Marlow would put a couple of good ones in and she'd squeal and give a little grunt of delight.

‘Now promise me you won't open your eyes until I tell you,' said Marlow.

‘No. I promise,' grunted Terri.

Marlow pumped away a bit longer with Norton still watching from the door, till he saw Marlow give him the signal. Les tiptoed inside and stood next to Marlow, who had his hands gripped around Terri's backside as he pumped away. Les got ready with the carrot, got another signal from Marlow and as Marlow's dick came out slipped the carrot in beautifully, not breaking the rhythm by so much as a half-beat; if anything it slid in easily. Les put his hand where Marlow had his, got between Terri's legs and started working away. Terri didn't seem to notice the difference, in fact she seemed to liven up a little. Marlow stood next to Les with this fiendish grin on his face that horrible it almost glowed white in the darkened room.

Norton kept pumping away with the carrot. It was funny at first then after a while he was starting to wish he was back outside enjoying his drink while he listened to the music. Terri had a fat, white arse with red blotches all over it sitting on top of some rust-coloured pubic hairs that were all matted and sweaty. Her flaps gripped around the carrot reminded Les of two small stingrays jammed together and her date looked just like a mouldy Egyptian date, only one that had been deep fried in bad oil. None of it smelled too good either. Les was about to tell Marlow, okay you've had your fun, now take over again so I can get out of here and back to my drink. But when Les turned round, he was gone. What the…? Where is the pommy bastard? Les cursed to himself. It wasn't quite supposed to work out like this. Marlow said he just wanted Les to jump on for a few minutes to they could have a laugh behind Terri's back when he took her home and next time they saw her. Being half pissed, Norton agreed. Now he was standing there on his own. On top of that, over the sound of the music still drifting in from the loungeroom, Norton thought he heard the flyscreen door on the back verandah open and close. Christ, Les cursed to himself again. I hope he hasn't posted me. If Terri turns around and sees me here she'll have a bloody stroke.

‘How long before I can open my eyes, Marlow?' Terri's voice painted.

‘Huh? Oh, any moment now, old girl,' replied Les. ‘Any moment.'

‘Mmmhh. It feels good though, Marlow.'

‘Splendid. Splendid, my dear,' said Norton, giving the carrot an extra twist.

Suddenly Norton thought he saw a movement among the shadows outside the window. Next thing Marlow's evil, grinning face came into view. Marlow inched carefully forward till he was about two feet away from the window and Terri's face. A bit of nervous adrenalin hit Les in the stomach and he unconsciously started going faster with the carrot. Terri gave an audible squeal of delight and pushed down on the windowsill; then Marlow called out.

‘Okay, Terri. Now open your eyes.'

Terri blinked her eyes open and there was Marlow right in front of her leering at her from the darkness outside the window. To make matters worse, he put his thumbs on the side of his head, stuck his tongue out and wiggled his fingers. Terri didn't do or say anything at first because Norton was still pumping frantically away with the carrot. Then she screamed this awful, wailing scream of absolute horror before jamming her eyes shut again. Les gave the carrot a few more quick shoves to keep her occupied before she opened her eyes and screamed again. Marlow disappeared about the same time as Les slipped the carrot out and bolted out the bedroom door. He was in the hallway wondering what to do when Marlow came bolting out of the loungeroom. He ran straight past Les into the bedroom where Terri was frozen to the windowsill in horror still screaming these pitiful, muffled screams. Marlow didn't muck around, he ran straight in and got straight up her again.

‘Terri, my dear,' he puffed. ‘What's the matter? Did you just orgasm?'

‘No, I didn't orgasm,' said Terri, sobbing and now gasping at the same time. ‘I saw a face at the window.'

‘At the window? I say, are you sure?'

‘Yes, I'm positive,' squawked Terri. ‘It was you.'

‘Me? Absolutely impossible, my dear. I've been here all the time. You don't think I'd leave this do you?'

‘It was you. It was you.'

‘Absolutely impossible, my dear. You must have had a bad dream.'

‘Ohh God,' moaned Terri. ‘What's going on? I'm so confused.'

‘Possibly you had a little too much to drink. Anyway, why didn't you wait till I told you to open your eyes?'

‘You did tell me to open my eyes,' insisted Terri. ‘And you were outside the window.'

‘Couldn't have been, old girl. I'm not jolly Houdini you know.'

‘Oh God, I'm so confused. I don't know what to think.'

‘Maybe it might be best if you don't. Come on, my dear. Let's get back on the bed. This time you can keep your eyes open.'

‘Oh God!'

Well, that's enough for me. Norton tiptoed down the hallway, tossed the carrot in the sink and went back to his drink in the loungeroom where the tape was still playing. The sounds of heavy porking resumed from the bedroom. Les gave it another ten minutes then made himself another drink and rang Joey, telling him to be there in fifteen minutes. Ten minutes later the racket died down and five minutes after that Marlow was dressed and standing in the loungeroom; looking sweaty, dishevelled and much like any bloke who's just had a session in the cot on a steamy summer night in Florida. He still had that weird look in his eye and down the end of the hall Les heard the light being switched on in the bathroom.

‘I say, Les,' grinned Marlow. ‘Jolly good show or what?'

‘Yeah terrific, Marlow. You got a great sense of humour. What other good ideas have you got?'

‘It works better if you're in an upstairs flat, then you run down into the street and call up to them. Hello up
there! How's it going?' Marlow almost started to go into paroxysms of laughter. ‘You should see the looks on their faces.'

‘Yeah,' nodded Les. ‘I can just imagine.' Christ! Can I find them. Anywhere in the bloody world. ‘So did you finish the job?'

‘Yes. Miss Lone Star State is all taken care of.'

‘Good. Now when you get home have a couple of penicillin shots and take a Dettol bath.'

Marlow's face dropped slightly. ‘Yes,' he agreed. ‘Come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea actually.'

Norton was about to say something else when Terri drifted into the loungeroom. Her hair was matted, her clothes were a mess and she looked more than a little ashen faced.

‘Terri,' smiled Les. ‘How are you, matey? Shit! You look like you've seen a ghost.' Despite it all Norton couldn't help himself. ‘Nyehh! What's up, doc?'

‘I don't feel very well,' mumbled Terri. ‘Something strange happened.'

‘Yeah?' Les looked thoughtful. ‘Maybe the earth moved for you. I hear Marlow's the last of the red-hot lovers.'

‘That's me,' nodded Marlow. ‘Back home they call me Marlow the Magnificent.'

Terri didn't reply. Marlow simply gave her an odd look. Les was going to ask them if they wanted another drink or something then changed his mind and started towards the door.

‘Well, the limo's waiting outside, Marlow. You may as well get going.'

‘Yes,' agreed Marlow. ‘It is getting rather late.'

‘You got enough money to get you home?'

‘No problems at all, old boy. Anyway thanks for an absolutely splendid evening,' he said, as Les opened the door. ‘Do catch up with us down at Reggae's tomorrow night. What do you say?'

‘Yeah okay. Sounds good to me. See you then, Marlow.'

‘Cheers, Les.'

‘Goodnight Terri.' Terri muttered something as she walked past. Norton caught her eye, winked and gave her a little wave. ‘Va-ver-va-va-ver. That's all, folks.' He closed the door and they were gone.

Bleary eyed, Les surveyed the mess in the flat as he finished his drink. There wasn't that much, but there was enough. Nothing he couldn't do tomorrow. With one great cavernous yawn he turned everything off, cleaned his teeth and crawled into bed. Before he did, however, he kicked the sheets off and slept on the bare mattress.

Norton wasn't exactly feeling one hundred per cent when he got up later that morning to face the brand new day. His mouth was furry and he had a reasonable sort of hangover; though no splitting headache. However he felt, it didn't make him any better when he walked into the loungeroom and surveyed the mess from the previous night. So he shook his head, got into his Speedos, grabbed a towel and went for a swim. Outside it was another blistering hot day and the water in the pool was the same as usual, but at least it cleared most of the cobwebs away again. Back in the condo, he had a large orange juice with ice and thought a bit about the previous night's festivities and remembered what he had to do today. Not a great deal except coffee with good bloke Ricco at twelve o'clock. I should ring him and say I can't make it, Les mused over his orange juice. No. I said I would and I don't want him getting the shits. I also don't want to be hanging around there too long either. Although that food he offered me sounds pretty good, I got a feeling I should just have a cup of coffee and hit the toe. Which means I'll make myself some breakfast before I leave. Norton's stomach was rumbling a little as he had another look at the mess in the kitchen; he was going to have to clean most of that up before he started. Then he spotted the carrot still sitting in the sink. Ohh poo! Les got a knife, skewered the carrot and dumped it in the kitchen-tidy. The heat had sent it off and it smelled like it
was ready to blow up. In fact the whole flat needed a good clean. Ahh stuff it, thought Les. I know what I'll do. I'll go and have an all-American breakfast on the way to Ricco's and clean up all this shit this afternoon. He got into a pair of blue shorts, his blue Roosters T-shirt, got some money and left the flat as it was.