Anchored (7 page)

~~~

Jonathan sat at the dining room table and stared into his empty cup. He felt beyond help, lost.

Standing he moved into the lounge and stood by the small grand piano. He could hear Margaret playing in his mind. He’d never told her he loved to listen to her play.

He looked at the photos she’d placed lovingly on top of the piano. He picked up a small photo of Margaret holding Mia as a baby. Jonathan remembered taking the photo after he’d convinced Margaret to come back to him. He recalled her poking her finger into his chest and telling him that if they were going to try again then he would need to behave himself. She’d looked him straight in the eye and told him she would not share him with another woman, that if he thought she was the sort of woman who’d turn a blind eye to him having affairs then he could think again.

She’d been magnificent, determination in her face and her eyes blazing. Jonathan had made promises, offering her the world to get her and Mia back in his life and it had worked.

Funny, often what you want to do and what you do are two different things. Breaking off with Judy was harder than he’d thought.

His forehead creased as he replaced the photo. Jonathan moved around to sit on the piano stool. He lifted the lid and absently ran his finger along the keys, the notes sounding harsh compared to the fluid movement of Margaret’s playing.

“Margaret, I’m sorry. She wouldn’t leave me alone and it became easier to give in to her. I’m a terrible man, the worst husband—you deserved better. If only—”

Jonathan shuddered as he felt the shiver run down his spine.

You never loved her, you never cared!

“No, no that’s not true. I loved Margaret, I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her.”

You killed her, you may not have driven the car but you’re guilty; it should have been you that died.

“Shut up, shut up. I won’t listen to you. I didn’t do anything wrong, I tried to make things right.” Sobs began to form below his rib cage, slowly working their way up his chest to escape through his mouth, Jonathan found himself on the floor with his head on his knees. He wailed.

~~~

Mia came into the room and saw her father on the floor weeping. Part of her wanted to go to him, to share the feelings of helplessness and pain. She began to approach him and a soft moan escaped her lips.

He seemed totally unaware of her presence. She watched as he wiped his face and mumbled something as he jumped to his feet and hurried out the terrace doors, running down the path as if someone was chasing him.

Mia opened her mouth to call him, but the words remained unspoken.

Surely he would have seen her. She didn’t know what was happening with her father and supposed that each person dealt with grief in a different way. She wished she could talk to him about how he was feeling. Maybe it would help her unlock the knot that seemed to be stuck in her heart.

Her finger curled her hair and she tilted her head.

When had she ever been able to talk to her father? Why would now be any different?

She spun on her feet in panic. She couldn’t stay here without her mother. The house felt different. The windows were closed and the air smelt musty. The house seemed to be grieving the loss of laughter and light.

What would people say if they heard she’d left her father when he needed her the most? She felt the pressure to conform but something in her fought it, challenged the logic of staying in a place she didn’t feel safe.

As she deliberated her options, the phone rang. She stared at it and considered ignoring the call. After seven rings she picked up.

“Hi, Mia, how you doing, honey?”

“Not too good, Uncle Robert.”

“I was hoping you would come and have dinner with me, I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Dinner?” Mia wondered when she’d last eaten.

“Yes. You can ask Jonathan to come too if he’s there. How does that sound to you?”

“I’m not very hungry.” The thought of food made her feel sick.

“You have to eat, Princess.”

“Dad’s gone out. Uncle Robert, I can’t stay here. I won’t stay here. It’s horrible without Mum, and Dad and I—” She stopped talking, not knowing what to say.

“Mia, do you want to stay here? You know you’re welcome. I’d love to have you stay here for however long you want.”

“Thank you. It’s so—hard. I’ll grab some clothes and be over in an hour, is that okay?”

“Perfect. I’ll get busy with dinner, drive safe.” 

Mia placed the suitcase on the bed and in a mad frenzy threw clothes towards it. Once it was full she forced the lid down. Running to the cupboard she got another suitcase and didn’t stop until all her things were ready to go.

Moving through the house she stopped in the kitchen and wrote her father a brief note.

Dad, I’m sorry but I can’t stay here. I’m at Uncle Robert’s—Mia

Mia looked around the kitchen as if saying goodbye to her mother all over again. She moved to the fridge and removed a photo her mother had placed there about a month ago.  It was of both Mia and her laughing into the camera. She remembered Uncle Robert taking it and smiled at the memory.

With the photo in her hand she left the house and didn’t look back.

Chapter 11

Robert woke early and got straight out of bed. The funeral was today and he needed time with the Lord. He wanted the day to honor Maggie’s memory and send out a message of God’s love. Maggie would want that.

Gosh he missed her. Her Pollyanna attitude to life had challenged him to believe in new beginnings and second chances. Maggie had been the lifeline he needed when Jen died. She’d been there for him, constantly popping around and involving him in her life, asking him to babysit Mia or come around for dinner.

As Robert knelt before his Lord he pondered what the future would hold for them all. How would Mia manage without her mother? How would Margaret’s passing affect Jonathan? He’d never had much time for Jonathan but out of respect for his sister he now prayed Jonathan would move towards a relationship with God.  Jonathan had been stubborn all these years and not once set foot in church. A noise from another room alerted him to Mia being awake and he raised his head and listened. 

What can I say to her, Lord? Help me show her how special she is, and that I love her. In my weakness make me strong, I ask you, Jesus.

~~~

Mia knew she couldn’t put off getting up; this day was going to happen even if she wanted to pretend differently.

Her father had phoned last night and asked if he could come around this morning and go to the funeral with them. When her uncle had turned to ask her if this was okay, she had looked at him and wanted to say no, but thinking of her mother made her nod.

Everything seemed such an effort, even the thought of showering and doing her hair. What did it all matter anyway? No one really cared what she looked like, and she certainly didn’t.

Swinging her legs to the side of the bed she sat there staring into space, her mind blank, void of any thought, and she liked it that way.

Bending she picked up her dressing gown and secured it tightly around her waist. A shower would help her feel more able to cope.

Opening the bedroom door she moved down the hall towards the bathroom, and it was there that she met her uncle. He was fully dressed and waiting for her and the emotions that played on his face were just about enough to cause Mia to fall apart.

They stood looking at each other and Robert opened his arms to her.

Mia stepped into her uncle’s embrace, knowing the arms around her expected nothing in return. They offered her love, acceptance and sympathy. Uncle Robert would understand some of the pain she felt, he’d lost Auntie Jen and both his parents, and now he was burying his sister.

“We can get through this together. I love you, honey. Let’s make Maggie proud of us today. She’ll be watching us from heaven and smiling, as she knows we’re doing this for her.”

Mia moved a little, creating some space between them. Could she believe her mother was in heaven? When her grandparents died two years apart she had been in her teens and her mother told her it was okay to be sad for a time, but that she needed to rejoice because she would see them again in heaven. It was a nice thought and maybe for today she’d let herself believe it.

~~~

Robert, Jonathan and Mia entered the church together and were led to the front. Mia sank down in her seat; she didn’t know how she’d managed to walk down the center aisle, each step taking her closer to her mother’s coffin.

Closing her eyes, Mia wished she could scream and shout to the world that she wasn’t ready to say goodbye. This was all some terrible mistake, her mother wasn’t really dead and in that wooden box. Any minute now she was going to walk in and laugh at them all sitting here looking so solemn.

She heard her father cough and gasp for breath and turned to look at him. He was pale and his chin was resting on his chest.

Mia’s hand moved of its own accord and touched his arm.

He looked up and she smiled weakly. Jonathan’s other hand grasped hers tightly and he sighed.

Moving her hand out of his, her eyes moved to the coffin. She imagined her mother lying on the soft white satin, her eyes closed, no longer seeing. It was all so surreal. Mia visualized her mother opening her eyes and looking up through the layered white cloth, through the solid timber lid to rest her eyes on the photo of herself and take in the elegance of the flower arrangement.

Shivering she laced her fingers tightly together. The shuffle of people arriving could be heard and soft music played in the background. Mia tried to concentrate on the music and wondered if she knew the song.

Her uncle leaned over her and whispered something to her father. There seemed to be so many people. Who were they all?

A hush came over the church as the pastor moved to take his place behind the pulpit. The service was a blur to Mia.

When Uncle Robert stood up she made herself sit up straighter to listen. Uncle Robert loved her mother and what he said would be important to her.

“Sweet, sweet, Maggie I salute you.” Robert looked up and smiled as tears streamed down his face.

Mia’s hand went to her throat and her jaw locked.

“When our mother died I gave up, I became so depressed that I didn’t think I’d survive. You see, I was still grieving the loss of my wife. Maggie wrote me this letter and I’d like to share it with you.” He cleared his throat, shuffled some paper and began.

Robert, my brother,

Why do our hearts ache? Our hearts ache because of a great love.

Would you be without the love to avoid the ache? No I say, no! The memories are a gift to our hearts and I treasure them, store them up and bring them out whenever I need to be close to Mum.

I rejoice with her as she joins Dad, and pray that on the day I die those who I hold dear will rejoice with me.

Yes I feel sad and I can’t believe I will not see her again face to face in this world, but I have the assurance we will meet again and share sweet fellowship in heaven.

Let us cry for a time but then look up and sing together as we praise God for a mother who loved us and showed us the way. We are not alone, we have each other and above all else we have our Lord and Savior,
Jesus Christ—who gives us a hope and future.

Be brave, be steadfast and step into tomorrow knowing you can go on.

Tomorrow belongs to us, live it with joy.

I love you. Margaret.

Looking up Robert spoke firmly. “We can cry for a moment as we mourn the loss of Maggie but she would want us to pick ourselves up and carry on. I loved my sister and know she loved me; she brought sunshine into the room when she entered it and I thank God for that. I honor her now and all she meant to us.”

Robert moved down off the stage and took his place by the coffin. Jonathan joined him with two other men.

Mia heard the shuffle of people standing as the coffin moved slowly down the aisle. She sat staring into space and thought she could smell her mother’s perfume.

David appeared and squatted down in front of her. Their eyes locked.

“Mia, people are waiting for you to move first before they can leave. Take my hand and I’ll walk with you.”

Heat scorched her face as she turned and saw people watching her. Standing she took David’s arm and walked beside him. He stayed by her side as she watched them place her mother into the hearse and close the door.

His arm was warm and gentle as it embraced her. Mia was grateful for his strength. People started to come up to Mia to offer their condolences; she politely thanked them and realized David still supported her with his arm. She stepped away and studied his face. “Thank you, David.”

“If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

Mia nodded and the desire to move back into the security of his arms surprised her.  She saw her father and uncle approaching and turned to David to excuse herself.

David gently touched her fingers, then turned and moved away.

Mia watched him go and fresh tears filled her eyes.

Something in her wanted to call him back.

Chapter
12

Mia stood waiting for her father to open the door. She remembered a time when she would have opened the door and walked in, calling out for her mother, but now she knocked.

She hadn’t wanted to come but her uncle had told her she needed to help sort out her mother’s clothes. Mia felt it was too soon, but her father wanted it done.

“Hi, Mia, come in.”

“Thank you, sorry I’m a bit late. I hope I’m not holding you up.” Her voice sounded stilted and she wished it could be different between them.

“I’m not going anywhere and I’m pleased you came. It’s good to see you. Can I get you anything? A cool drink perhaps?”