An Unlikely Daddy (15 page)

“Sorry,” he mumbled, stabbing at a piece of chicken so hard the fork hit the plate with a clatter. “I wasn't shouting at you.”

“Johnny didn't have those qualms.”

“Oh, hell.” He'd done it again. Awakened a new pain in her. But when he glanced her way, he didn't see anguish. He saw something else he couldn't identify.

Then she abruptly changed the subject. “So you and Johnny are heroes.”

“That's debatable. I guess it depends on what side you're on, which parts of the secrets you know, which parts have been hidden from you. John was doing important work. Never doubt it.”

“I don't,” she said calmly. “Just as I don't doubt that you've done important things. But what the heck? I'll never know, will I? So I guess you have to be your own judge and jury.”

That stung. The chicken became tasteless in his mouth. He continued eating only because he needed to.

“Can you tell me just one thing?”

“Ask and I'll see.” Even now, he couldn't tell. Even now. God, it sickened him.

“Did Johnny, do you, believe in what you're doing? Or is it all about the thrills?”

The question could have infuriated him, but he didn't let it. “I believed in what I was doing. So did John. It wasn't just for a thrill. Those kinds of thrills nobody needs. The kind of work John and I did...well, you could say we were in the trenches. Not at the embassy balls.”

She gave him a half smile that didn't reach her eyes. “No James Bond.”

“Not a chance. Pure grunt work and intelligence gathering for the most part. Some infiltration. And now I'm saying too much.”

“I can keep secrets, too.” She pushed her plate aside. Part of him was sorry about how little she had eaten, but another part was relieved because now he could stop eating, too. It might have been a good dinner, but he couldn't tell. Everything tasted like sawdust.

Which he supposed was another warning. He'd been in worse situations without feeling like this. Situations where he might die at any moment. Nothing had ever reduced him to this abject level of misery. He'd have cheerfully cut out his own beating heart. He'd spent his entire adult life trying to avoid exactly this, but he'd walked into it, anyway. A woman's pain. Her betrayal. Her child. He disgusted himself.

He cleared away the dishes but returned quickly, a niggling fear working on him. She was too calm. At some point... What did he think she was going to do? Kill herself? Not with that baby inside her. He didn't think he'd misjudged her that much.

But he was still worried.

The phone rang. “Want me to get it?”

She shook her head. “It'll be Julie, and I don't want to face the barrage of questions.”

“Then, let me.” He could do that much for her at least. Julie was indeed full of questions, apparently worried about Marisa, why he was answering instead of her.

“She's feeling under the weather,” he answered. A lie or a half-truth? Damned if he knew anymore. “Can I have her call you back tomorrow?”

When he hung up, he knew Julie wasn't satisfied. She'd probably be here soon. Then what?

He sat again, facing Marisa. “I'll give you odds that Julie will be here in the next half hour to check on you.”

“I don't want to see anyone.”

“I can understand that, but if you think I'm going to be able to successfully hold her off if she shows up, you've got another think coming. She'll be convinced I've murdered you and have your body half hacked up in the bathtub.”

Marisa's eyes widened. Then to his absolute amazement, she started to laugh. She laughed so hard that she bent over a little and held her stomach with both arms.

Hysteria? he wondered. She was making him feel so helpless, more helpless than he'd ever felt in his entire life.

But gradually her laughter trailed away, and she wiped tears from her face. “She would,” she said. “That's exactly what Julie would think.”

“Then let her come. Sorry, but you're going to have to put up with her.”

She eyed him. “Then I guess we need our cover story.”

The way she said it, she put him on edge. Now she was going to lie to her friends? No way.

“No,” he said. “Tell her the whole ugly story. You got news about Johnny today and found out I'm not the guy you thought I was, and you're keeping me around until you're done yelling at me.”

“Really?”

“Really. Truth is always better when possible. Don't start covering for me.”

Her face softened for the first time in ages it seemed like. “Ryker? Did you make love to me because I wanted it, or because you wanted it?”

That she would even doubt that made him feel as low as a slug. “Oh, I wanted it,” he said firmly. “Believe me. The only thing that held me back for so long was that I didn't want to hurt you. I've hurt you, anyway. Story of my life.”

“That's not fair,” she said quietly. “You just told me you did without a full life because you didn't want to hurt anybody. I can't say the same about Johnny. He wanted it all. He took it all.” She looked down at her stomach and ran her hand over it. “He did leave me something beautiful, though.”

“Yes, he did.”

She looked up. “And he sent you.”

“Marisa...”

She shook her head. “I'm getting past it, Ryker. Why wouldn't I? I've lived with this secrecy for years, and I understand why you couldn't tell me the truth about who you are. I get it. It was just such a shock. CIA never entered my head, but you know what?”

“What?”

“I understand so much now. I'm glad I do. It all finally makes sense.”

He wished he could believe this transformation, but he wasn't sure it would last. Maybe she was in a state of shock?

But she sat rocking gently, smiling faintly, her hands protectively over her belly. If today hadn't been such a ride into hell for her, he could have believed that she'd finally found some peace.

And just as he'd predicted, Julie showed up. She stormed past him and surveyed Marisa. “What happened?” she demanded.

“I learned something today,” Marisa answered serenely. “Johnny was a true hero. And so is Ryker.”

Julie sat slowly. “Really? What did he do?”

“I can't tell you. But it's true.” Then Marisa looked at Ryker and smiled. He felt his heart crack wide open. She was one hell of an amazing woman.

Chapter Eleven

C
hristmas Eve dawned clear and cold. Ryker had returned to Marisa's bed, although he refrained from making love to her. She was content to be held by him, however.

And finally she answered his question. “I do feel peaceful,” she said after breakfast. “It's like...just knowing who Johnny worked for, who you work for...it answered questions for me. I get it now, all the secrecy. I get why he could never tell me anything. I suppose, from what you said, that when he was in the Rangers he worked a lot of missions with you.”

“That's right,” he agreed as he washed the dishes. “His team did a lot of my insertions and extractions. And you didn't hear that from me.”

“I didn't hear anything at all.” Standing beside him, she shook her head a little and swallowed her prenatal vitamin. “And now I know why nobody would tell me anything. That makes it easier.”

He dried his hands and turned around, leaning back against the counter as he drew her into his embrace. He loved looking at her, loved the way the shadows had withdrawn, leaving her face unclouded. Hard to believe that such a parsimonious bit of information could create such a change.

He felt the baby kick against his abdomen and smiled, lifting a hand to stroke her ash-blond hair back from her face. “You're one beautiful, amazing woman.”

“Big as a house, too,” she retorted.

“An awfully small house,” he answered before dropping a kiss on her lips.

“So,” she said, shifting her gaze to his chest and resting her hand on him. “When do you have to leave?”

“I don't. Well, I have to go back and resign, but I can do that anytime.”

Her head jerked back, and she gaped at him. “Resign? But you said...”

“If you've been listening, I think I've been emitting rumbles of discontent and a desire to change, sort of like a volcano getting ready to erupt. I've made up my mind. I'm done. Cooked. Finished. I'll find something else to do.”

“But what?”

He smiled. “I told you, I can take care of myself. Always have. I'll find something.”

* * *

Ryker was smiling more since Crandall's visit, as if he'd unloaded a burden. Marisa guessed he had. A huge secret had been shed, and she suspected that it had bothered him from the first moment he saw her.

For her own part, she realized now that she trusted him. All the doubts about Ryker had vanished in a searing instant of honesty. Now she knew who he was. Now she knew who Johnny was. Knowing that, it was easier to accept all the things she couldn't know.

Of course, Johnny hadn't died in a street mugging. Her suspicions and doubts had been justified. She'd never know what had really happened, but somehow it was easier to accept knowing that she'd been given a cover story. In some ways, the idea of a cover story to protect lives was a whole lot easier to deal with than the idea that people were wantonly lying to her in order to cover some misdeed.

Now Ryker had decided to resign. She wondered what that would mean for him, for her. Would he stay here in Conard City? Somehow that didn't seem likely to her. He was a man accustomed to traveling the world, to always being in action. How likely was it that he could be content in this backwater?

So she was going to lose him anyway, which saddened her more than she had anticipated. It almost felt like Johnny all over again, but not quite. When Ryker walked away, he was going to live. There'd be no death in this loss, no finality. Maybe they'd be able to keep in touch.

At least she'd know he was out there somewhere in the world, maybe filling all the gaps in his life. Maybe finding a wife, having those kids his parents wanted. She hoped so for him, because more than once she'd gotten the sense that he felt those gaps acutely. He didn't say much about it, but Ryker didn't say a whole lot.

His actions spoke volumes, however. He took care of her, treating her as if she were precious. So, he was a caring man, a rare find. And some of the edge was gone from him, some of the darkness she'd originally sensed. Ryker was waking to a new world.

Just as she had. And looking down at her belly, she felt that she had yet another awakening ahead of her, a joyous one. She and little Jonni were going to build a new, beautiful life. One without secrets. One lived in the bright light of day.

“I'm going out,” Ryker said. “I have to pick up a couple of things. Will you be okay for an hour?”

“We'll be just fine,” she assured him. Then she said something she never thought she'd say to him. “Hurry back. I'll miss you.”

She half expected his face to darken, to react to the implications in those simple words. A man who was about to leave could hardly be happy to realize a woman wanted him back.

But he astonished her. His own face softened, and he came to drop a kiss on her forehead. “I'll hurry,” he said huskily. “Want some milk before I go?”

“Ryker!” He pulled a laugh from her. “I'm pregnant, not sick. If I need something I can get it.”

“Just don't let me find you on a step ladder.”

“On my honor. I think my nesting phase passed.”

“Thank God.”

She laughed as she heard the door close behind him. After a few minutes she rose and went into her bedroom to look at the crib. Soon a baby would occupy it, turning everything on end. She could hardly wait. She loved picking up the tiny little clothes her friends had given her, still finding it hard to believe they were big enough to fit a baby. Such little bits of clothing, it just didn't seem possible.

But her back had started to ache again, so she returned to the rocker. It wouldn't be long now, she thought, closing her eyes and savoring both her anticipation and impatience. With each passing day, she wanted this baby more, wanted to hold her in her arms, to see the small face, hear the cries. The waiting was becoming intolerable.

Her thoughts wandered to Johnny, and she felt a twinge of familiar guilt. He hadn't even been gone a year. Shouldn't she still be in the pits of grief? But somehow, despite all, she was emerging.

Surely Johnny wouldn't begrudge her that?

But the guilt remained, stinging. Of course she still missed Johnny. Hated the fact that he was dead. Hated that he wouldn't be here to see his child. Sometimes resentment swelled in her, huge and ugly.

But he'd left her here, and she had to keep going. Originally she had done that only for the sake of their child, but now...now she needed to do it for herself, as well.

But she'd always miss Johnny. Always. With him she had forever lost a piece of her heart. But there were pieces left, she realized. A piece for this baby. Pieces for her friend. Maybe even a piece for Ryker.

The ache in her lower back remained. She rocked a little trying to ease it, then, with a gasp, she realized she was sitting in a puddle of water.

Now. Now? Now.

Half-crazed thoughts raced in her head. She picked up the phone Ryker had left beside her, wondering if she should call for an ambulance.

Then she tapped in Ryker's number.

“Hey, you okay?” he answered.

“I think my water just broke.”

* * *

Ryker got stopped by a cop for speeding as he raced back to the house from Freitag's. He didn't even wait for the deputy to reach the side of his car.

“Marisa Hayes,” he called. “You know her?”

“Yeah.”

“Her water just broke.”

In an instant he had a police escort with flashing lights and sirens clearing the rest of his way. “God, I love this town,” he muttered, his hands gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles were tight.

They pulled up in front of the house, and the cop came inside with him. They found Marisa in her rocker sitting on a towel.

“Ambulance?” the deputy said, ready to key his radio.

Marisa shook her head. “I called the hospital. A ride will do. Ryker?”

“I'll take you.”

“Get more towels or I'll ruin your car.”

Like he cared about that. But he didn't want to upset her in the least way, so he grabbed a stack of towels and laid them on the passenger seat. The deputy remained to ensure they got safely to the car.

“Any pains?” Ryker asked as they drove toward the hospital on the edge of town.

“Not yet. Just a flood. Ryker...after you leave me there, call Julie. She'll take care of everything, okay?”

“Sure thing.” He wished he could take care of everything, but he wasn't family. They probably wouldn't let him anywhere near.

God, he hated it. He had no rights with this woman or her child, and that ate away inside him along with worry.

“Quit looking like this is the end of the world,” she said. “It's a baby. Happens millions of times every day.”

“Not to you. Not to me.” Something perilously close to panic was riding his shoulder.

She laughed quietly. “I feel good. Dang, I feel good! Finally!”

At the emergency room, they helped her into a wheelchair. She gave him her purse. “In case they need any information. And later, I have a small suitcase packed in the closet.”

“I'll bring it.”

The last thing he saw was her smile and wave as they swept her away.

He stood there feeling helpless, feeling there ought to be something he could do. Hating that he couldn't.

“Be all right, Marisa,” he whispered. Then he pulled out his cell phone and called the whirlwind named Julie.

* * *

Julie arrived fifteen minutes later, meeting him outside the ER. She walked up briskly, smiling.

“You look awful,” she told Ryker. “Relax.”

“I can't,” he admitted.

“She'll be fine. I'm her coach, so I'll be with her every minute. You get to join the pacing people in the waiting room. Come on up with me and we'll get the news.”

That was better than no news at all.

The maternity nurse met them in the waiting room, smiling as if she had the happiest job in the world. “Just in time,” she told Julie. “Her first contractions have just started. They warned you first babies take longer, right?”

Julie nodded. “A few of my friends have been down this road. How long do you think?”

The nurse shrugged. “Everyone's different. It might be as long as twenty-four hours.”

Oh, God, Ryker thought. He'd had a lot of time lines in his life, but never had twenty-four hours looked longer.

Julie turned to him. “Get some coffee. Go for a run. It's going to be a long haul.”

“Just tell someone to keep me posted.”

The nurse regarded him. “Who's he?”

“Family,” Julie said, surprising him.

“Well, then, I guess we can let you know. But don't hold your breath. First babies take their time.”

Locked out, left in a waiting room with an older couple who seemed to be waiting for the same thing, he decided to take Julie's advice. A long run. Then he'd bring back some decent coffee. Maybe he could even slip one to Julie.

As his feet pounded the pavement and icy air stung his face, he wondered how many changes he could make and how fast. Life was suddenly bearing down on him like a freight train.

He needed to get his head straight fast.

* * *

Johnna Jayne Hayes was born at 12:07 a.m. on Christmas day. She arrived with one long, loud wail, and then began looking around with bright eyes as if she were delighted to see the world.

A minute later, wrapped in blankets, Johnna was laid in Marisa's arms. Marisa forgot everything else as she stared into that tiny face, into those incredibly piercing dark eyes.
Oh, Johnny, I wish you could have seen her.

She held her daughter, weariness washing over her in waves, accompanied by a happiness she had scarcely imagined she would find in this moment.

If she hadn't been so tired, she was sure her heart would have burst with joy.

“We have to take the baby for a little while,” the nurse said, reaching for Johnna. “The pediatrician needs to check her out. We'll move you to a recovery room. You need some sleep and then you can see her again.”

Marisa yielded her daughter only reluctantly. She understood the reasons, but she didn't want to let go. A crazy fear filled her that something bad would happen while the baby was out of her sight.

But even in her weariness she knew that was just a flash from the past. Johnna would receive excellent care; she knew almost everyone who worked here and trusted them. Julie, who had coached her all the way through, sagged against the bed.

“I need some sleep, hon.”

“Go home. You were wonderful.”

Julie bent over her and dropped a kiss on her forehead. “You get some sleep, too.”

“Ryker?”

“Pacing like a caged lion. You want to see him?”

“Please.”

“I'll see what I can do.”

The fatigue hit Marisa then, and she barely remembered being trundled down the hall and moved to a new bed. Her baby was here, she thought as sleep claimed her.

The world seemed right again for the first time since she got the news.

* * *

She awoke later from the deepest of sleeps with no idea of the time. She turned her head a bit and saw Ryker dozing in a chair beside the bed, his eyes closed, his chin propped in his hand.

He must have heard something, because his eyes popped open. “Welcome back,” he said, smiling. “By all accounts, you did very well.”

“My baby?”

“They won't tell me a lot except that she's perfectly healthy. Oh, and they're going to move you to a regular room soon, and you can have her in a bassinet beside you until they release you.”

Instinctively, she reached out a hand, wincing a little as the IV moved. He caught her fingers gently, still smiling, and leaned in to press a kiss on her lips.

“How are you feeling?” he asked softly as he pulled back.

“Exhausted but so very happy.”

“Me, too. They let me see her through the nursery window. She's perfect, Marisa, and she looks a lot like both you and John.”