An Irish Christmas Feast (26 page)

‘Oh ye of little faith,' he said at the time, whereupon a rival responded that travellers could not be expected to have as much faith as settled people, as past experiences would show.

‘The Good Book tells us that faith can move mountains,' Big Bob countered, ‘and it don't say what kind of faith so it seems to me that my faith is good enough for this kind of task.' The credit had been forthcoming but Big Bob could never be sure whether it was his faith or the fact that the publican was drunk at the time.

Now as he knocked on Long Jason Lattally's door he prayed for resolve. When he beheld his caller Long Jason presumed that the traveller had come a-begging. He thrust his hand into his trousers pocket and handed over a silver coin. The traveller accepted the money and expressed his gratitude but explained that he had not come seeking alms.

‘I believe,' Big Bob said, ‘that you intend getting married.'

Long Jason laughed. ‘And what has that got to do with you?' he asked.

‘If you'll be good enough to let me in I'll tell you everything,' Big Bob promised.

The long man consulted his watch and, seeing that he had the best part of an hour to spare, stepped to one side so that his caller might enter. Inside they both sat but there was no drink on view.

‘Will whiskey be all right?' the long man asked, his bareboned face breaking into a smile.

‘Whiskey is just what I need.' Big Bob moistened his lips.

Long Jason filled two glasses. Normally he drank only in a public house and always illegally after hours since he was of the belief like many of his neighbours that drink taken at home involved no risk and, therefore, lost much of its potency. He had on this occasion decided to make an exception on the grounds that he needed some sort of booster if he was to successfully propose to Alicia Mullally. Both men sipped their drinks for a while and exchanged well worn items of news.

‘So!' Long Jason stretched his legs and awaited the pronouncement that would justify his visitor's intrusion.

‘So!' came back the long drawn-out response. Big Bob rose to his feet and placed his hands behind his back. ‘I have come,' he said solemnly, ‘to ask if you would consent to a life-long traipse with Elsie Bawnie?'

‘A life-long traipse eh!' Long Jason pondered the phrase. He had not heard it before and felt that it was not a bad description at all of the undertaking implied.

‘And by whose authority do you present yourself here with such a proposal?' he asked.

‘By the girl herself with the full approval of her father,' Big Bob answered.

‘I had an inkling that she was that way inclined.' Long Jason pulled upon his jaw until Big Bob felt that he might pull it off altogether, so thin and finely pointed was it.

‘It's like the bottom end of a sickle moon,' Big Bob thought. ‘Are you interested?' he asked as he resumed his seat.

‘She's small,' the long man replied, ‘and she's nice, danged nice, but with me being so tall and she being so small we'd be a laughing stock.'

‘For a short while only,' Big Bob assured him, ‘and then only when the pair of you would be upright. You will never meet such a lady for charm, a lady that so knows her place. She would make a man happy and she would bear the finest of children.'

‘I know, I know,' the long man found it difficult to contain his irritation, ‘but the bother is that I have more or less contracted to propose to Alicia Mullally. In fact she awaits me this very night.'

‘If you have any sense,' Big Bob spoke forcibly, ‘you'll let her wait.'

‘I can't do that,' said the long man.

‘Those who have awaited,' Big Bob informed him solemnly, ‘have been elated and those who have gone have been put upon.'

‘What's that from?' Long Jason asked anxiously.

‘That is from the book of travellers,' came the reply, ‘verse one, chapter two.'

‘Elsie Bawnie is a very small woman and I am a very tall man.' Long Jason was adamant.

‘And what of Alicia Mullally?' Big Bob asked. ‘Are not the pair of ye too tall for your own good and whoever heard of an equal pairing making a good match. For a true marriage,' Big Bob went on, ‘you need opposites, the fair and the dark, the stout and the skinny, the stooped and the straight, the tall and the small. This tall dame could be the very death of you my poor man. She is not suited to you at all.'

Long Jason was impressed in spite of himself but he was determined to fulfil his tryst.

‘Tonight,' he clenched his fists as he spoke, ‘I embark on the most important mission of my life to date. Tonight I will open my heart to the woman who will one day be the mother of my children and I plan to have many. I would not be alone now if my mother had brought more children into the world so you see it's important that I get started without any more delay.'

‘I was never a man,' Big Bob looked into the fire, ‘to pour cold water on the plans of a lover but you could be starting on the road to ruin and I cannot in all conscience stand idly by while you destroy yourself.'

‘What do you mean?' Long Jason grew more apprehensive with every passing moment.

‘Did you ever ask yourself where is the windiest spot in the country?' Big Bob was master of the situation now. This was his field. He belonged where he was and he would make the most of it.

‘The windiest spot in the country!' Long Jason was puzzled. He decided nevertheless to answer the question. ‘They say,' he replied, ‘that the right bank of the estuary about a mile below the bridge is the windiest spot of all.'

‘Windy enough to blow the hair off a man's head?' Big Bob asked.

‘Windier,' came back the instant response.

‘Windy enough to blow a man's false teeth back his throat and out you know where?'

‘Windier,' came the emphatic reply.

‘Windy enough to blow a man away altogether?'

‘Yes,' came the answer, ‘and who knows it better than my poor self that lost his only brother in a south-west gale and he out walking for the good of his health.' Long Jason shook his narrow head in sorrow. The tears rolled down without hindrance because of the shape of his face. They fell on his freshly shone shoes and they fell on the floor and as he continued to shake his head they fell with a hiss and a fizz into the kitchen fire. When he had cried his fill he lifted the whiskey bottle and recharged the glasses. Before he raised his drink to his lips he olagóned his fill. It is the nature of this man to
olagón
, Big Bob told himself, and there is no point in asking him to desist for all his ancestors were
olagóners
and keeners and would raise their voices in the most melancholy fashion at the slightest opportunity. Eventually the
olagóning
came to an end and Long Jason raised his glass to the memory of his dead brother. Big Bob raised his and drained his and said what a pity it was that such a man should be swept away especially when he need not have been swept away at all.

‘How's that?' Long Jason asked.

‘How's what?' Big Bob returned innocently.

‘You said that he need not have been swept away at all.'

‘Did I?' Big Bob's voice was filled with surprise. ‘Ah yes,' he reflected, ‘so I did, so I did.'

‘Explain.' Long Jason's request fell on receptive ears.

‘What restrains the ship when the storm blows and the wind howls? Think before you answer.' Big Bob was on a familiar tack.

‘Why the anchor restrains the ship,' Long Jason replied.

‘And who is the last to yield in the tug-of-war?' Big Bob asked as he raised the back of his coat and toasted his posterior to the fire.

‘Why the anchor-man of course,' Long Jason replied. It was clear that he was beginning to enjoy the questions-and-answers exercise, especially since he found no difficulty in answering. He awaited the next poser with confidence.

‘What was your brother anchored to when he was blown away?' Big Bob asked.

‘Why he was anchored to nothing,' came the response.

‘And if he was anchored to something do you think he would be blown away?'

‘It would have to be something mighty solid,' the long man replied.

‘Mighty solid.' Big Bob paced the kitchen raising his empty glass and placing it on the mantelpiece over the fire. ‘And do you think, for instance, if he had a long thin dame the likes of Alicia Mullally by his side that she would be solid enough to anchor him against the force of the wind?'

‘She most certainly would not,' came the scornful response.

‘Isn't it likely,' Big Bob was now standing in the centre of the kitchen, his hands joined like an advocate, ‘isn't it likely,' he reiterated, ‘that instead of your brother being blown away on his own that his companion would be blown away as well?'

‘I don't have any doubt whatsoever about it,' Long Jason affirmed. ‘In fact,' he concluded, ‘any man who would go walking with such a female on the right-hand bank of the estuary should have his head examined.'

‘Would you go walking with such a woman on the aforementioned spot?' Big Bob looked up the chimney from the expansive hearth. He noticed that it badly needed cleaning. He wasn't a sweep himself but he was not above holding a ladder for a modest fee.

‘I certainly would not walk with her on the right-hand bank of the estuary.'

‘There are other windy places,' Big Bob pressed on with his advantage, ‘and no matter where you are you cannot write off the unexpected squall. Any time you walk with a dame as long and as thin and as light and as frail and as unsteady as Alicia Mullally you are putting your life at risk. Now let us suppose that you are out walking with Elsie Bawnie and that suddenly the wind rises and you find yourselves on the right-hand bank of the estuary with no shelter and nowhere to turn. What would you do? I'll tell you what you would do. You would hold on to Elsie for there is no squall and there is no wind and there is no storm that would blow her away. The heavens have yet to invent a gale that would bowl her over. I defy the blasts and the gusts that sweep in from the foaming sea. Let them rage and roar but they won't budge Elsie Bawnie one inch and I'll lay my hat and cloak on that and my old black mare plaited and ribboned and my painted caravan. I can see it all now in my mind's eye. I can see yourself and the long woman leaning into one another against the force of the storm and finding no purchase in yeerselves or anywhere else, here one minute and gone the next, gone and swept and carried forever in the belly of the blast, out past the headland and across the roaring sea to lands unknown, never to be seen again and may God in his mercy forgive you your sins in the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost. Then I see you in another calamity and the wind about to lift you like a paper kite when all of a sudden who comes along, who comes along I ask you? Come on man and answer me. Who comes along?'

‘Elsie Bawnie comes along,' Long Jason roars aloud as though he were imbued by the spirit of the sou'wester.

‘She takes your hands.'

‘She takes my hands.'

‘She holds you down.'

‘She holds me down.'

‘She wraps her arms around your legs.'

‘She wraps her arms around my legs.'

‘She leads you home to safety.'

‘She leads me home to safety.'

‘To your warm bed where she lies you down.'

‘To my warm bed where she lies me down.'

‘And ministers into you with all her holy powers.'

‘And ministers into me with all her holy powers.'

‘Forever and ever amen.'

‘Forever and ever amen.'

Jason Lattally raised his long bony arms aloft. ‘Forever and ever,' he called out and pushing his mentor to one side dashed through the door and did not draw breath until he found himself with the same long, bony arms around Elsie Bawnie to whom he proposed when he regained his breath and by whom he was accepted.

Big Bob, somewhat exhausted from his intercessory endeavours, laid hands on the bottle of whiskey which stood invitingly on the kitchen table. He raised it to his lips and swallowed long and swallowed hard until some of his strength returned. Then he sat and planned. There is much to be done, he told himself, and there is much coin to be made if I play my cards right and before this night is down I'll turn the trump in my favour not once but many times. He allowed himself another quarter hour of leisurely drinking before combing his mohal and rearranging his apparel.

Five minutes later he stood in the kitchen of the abode of Alicia Mullally. She was surprised to see him. She had been expecting another person entirely she told him.

‘I have come,' Big Bob spoke with all the authority he could muster, ‘on behalf of Bertie Bawnie, a man who loves you dearly, a man who will cater to all your needs and place his monies at your disposal and, although he is of small stature, were he to stand on top of his money he would be the tallest man in this town.' Big Bob went on as he had with Long Jason pointing out the danger from gales and squalls that lurked everywhere awaiting long thin victims. When he had finished Alicia Mullally begged him to convey her love to the smallest man in the town, the anchor of anchors, Bertie Bawnie.

Giddy with the promise of another hundred pounds Big Bob arrived at the abode of Bertie Bawnie. The poor fellow sat by the fire caterwauling as no cat ever could while he lamented the imminent departure of his daughter who had just agreed to be the wife of Long Jason Lattally before the advent of Christmas.

Big Bob drew up a chair and stretched his legs towards the fire. Slowly and melodiously, for such was the timbre of his rich voice, he pointed out the benefits of attaching oneself to a woman with the length and suppleness of Alicia Mullally, with the leanness of her and the keenness of her and the slender yielding frame of her. He was at his most poetic when he described the pair as he envisaged them walking along the right bank of the estuary. Overhead the wild geese flew in stately skeins to their feeding grounds while seabirds of every denomination mewed and bleated. He saw them walk hand in hand towards a setting sun and suddenly from the south-west came great black stormclouds and in a matter of seconds all hell broke loose. Everything that was unattached was blown away, everything except Bertie Bawnie, and just as Alicia was about to be whipped away to God knows where by the all-conquering winds of the west she was seized around the midriff by her stocky partner and saved from a watery grave. He went on and on, inventing countless perilous situations where always the stocky partner was at hand when an anchor was needed.