An Infatuation (5 page)

“What do you want?” The pitch of my voice, and my pulse, rose like a rollercoaster.

Tommy, the bigger of the two, kneeled next to my face. I could smell the dirt-soiled knees of his jeans. “We have a question for you, Harold.”

Keith was on my other side. “You like to answer questions, right, Harold?

Sitting in a pool of sweat, I tried to steady my quivering body. “What do you mean?”

“You tutor our pal, Mario, right, Harold?” Tommy’s garlic breath singed my nostrils.

I thought fast. “Sure. If you guys would like my help too, I can—”

Keith put his thick arm on my back. “See, that’s our point, Harold. We don’t like our pal Mario being your…
protector
. I mean, if you want to be a fag, that’s your business. We don’t have a problem with it.”

Tommy got even closer, if that was possible. “We think it’s unnatural and against God, but hey, who are we to judge? Right, Keith?”

“Sure, Tommy. But, Harold, when you start going after our buddy Mario, forcing your lifestyle on him, we feel we need to step in.”

My lips trembled. “I didn’t force anything on Mario.”

Tommy’s voice got louder. “We disagree. See, our boy has changed. And we think
you
changed him.”

Tommy and Keith shared a secret look.

I choked out, “Leave me alone. I didn’t do anything to you.”

“Actually you did, Harold, when you messed with our boy, Mario.” Keith smiled menacingly at me. “But hey, Harold, don’t sweat it. We aren’t here to hurt you. We’re here to
help
you.”

Tommy chimed in. “As a matter of fact, this is your lucky day, Harold.”

“I don’t want any trouble.”
God, Jesus, please help me!

Tommy took the lead, as usual. “No trouble from us, Harold. Here’s how we see it. You want to be a faggot. We can help you out with that. But you gotta promise to leave our friend Mario alone. Deal?”

“Sure. Whatever you say.” I peed my pants.

“Good.” Tommy winked at Keith, then punched me in the face as Keith kicked me in the stomach.

It all happened so fast. As I gasped for air, they flipped me over onto my stomach. Tommy pinned my hands as Keith pulled down my pants and held down my legs. Next, I heard Keith’s fly unzip and felt his erection on my buttocks. With red covering my eyes, and intense pain in my nose and stomach, I screamed again.

“Stick it in as hard as you can,” ordered Tommy. “I’ll take over when you get tired. Let’s teach the tutor a lesson. He wants to be a fag. Let’s make him a fag.”

I heard the palms of their hands slap and then I felt my butt cheeks separate. Getting my breath back, I screamed louder.

Suddenly I heard shouting and pushing around me. I pulled up my pants and hunched in the fetal position in a corner of the room. Fists flew and punches connected, while I prayed that Mario had found me. My prayers were answered as I looked up at Mario, standing over me in shock.

“Are you okay?” Mario wiped the blood from my nose with the bottom of his T-shirt, and I wiped the blood from his knuckle with mine.

I’m better now.
“How did you find me?”

Mario rested my head on his chest. “Your friend Hannah was stalking you. She found me and told me what was happening in here. I would have killed those guys if she didn’t tell me to come help you while she got the assistant principal to take them to his office.”

“Hannah’s a good friend. So are you.”

“I’m a piece of shit.” Mario buried his Roman nose in my cheek, and his dark, wavy hair nestled against my forehead.

“I’m sorry, Mario.”

“For what?”

“Getting you in trouble with your friends.”

Mario lifted me by my shoulders to face him, then rested his hands on either side of my face. “Harold, what those guys did to you. That had nothing to do with you. And they’re no longer my friends. I’m talking to the coach and getting them thrown off the team.”

“But you lost your friends, Mario.”

“Harold, don’t you get it? Those guys don’t mean anything to me. You mean more to me than….”

After a long, deep, piercing kiss, Mario hugged me like he would never let me go. Unfortunately, all too soon he did.

After a long pause to think, Mario finally said, “Harold, we have to stop this.”

I looked into his eyes and wanted to dive into those dark pools of splendor. “I’ve been thinking the same thing, Mario.” I sat up on my knees. “Hannah told me about a Young Democrats Club starting up at school. She said we can join and team up with other kids who are tolerant of people who are different, including kids who are gay. Maybe we can make some new friends.”

Mario looked like he had seen a ghost… in drag. “Did you…? Did you tell Hannah about…
us
… in your
bedroom
?”

“No, no way, Mario. I’d never do that.”

Mario sat back on his heels and exhaled. “Thank God.”

I took his hands. They felt like home. “You’re the class president. You’re nice to everyone. Hannah assumed that you… and I… would want to join the club.”

“Harold, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Didn’t you see what just happened? What those assholes nearly did to you?”

“You just said that had nothing to do with me.”

“Harold, it had to do with
me
. Because guys like
me
can’t be gay. And guys like
me
can’t be in love with guys like you!”

Mario sucked in his breath as if hoping he could take it back. I wasn’t sure if he was more upset over saying the gay part or the in love with me part.

He released my hands, and they fell to my lap. “Something’s gotta change, Harold.”

“I don’t understand.”

He exhaled and helped me up to my feet. “You sure you’re feeling okay?”

“No.”
You’re breaking my heart.

He put his arm around me. “Come on, let’s go to the nurse.”

“Why? All she can do is give me a cough drop.”

“Then let’s go get you a cough drop.”

After Mario and I left the nurse’s office, we ran into Hannah, who told me that Mr. Ringwood wanted to see me.

Mr. Ringwood’s ancient secretary, who used so much hairspray it looked like she was wearing a helmet, led me into the principal’s large office. I stood on the other side of his enormous oak desk and could barely see the principal sitting behind it. Mr. Ringwood was a short, bald, rail-thin, older, gentle man who wore bowties and smiled a lot.

“Harold, please sit down.”

He motioned for me to sit in a chair facing his desk.

“Hannah told me about the
incident
with Tommy and Keith. Are you all right, son?”

I felt my nose and my stomach. “Yes, thank you, Mr. Ringworm—I mean, Mr. Ringwood.”

Mr. R. smiled his familiar smile and adjusted his bowtie. “It is a
terrible
thing what those two boys did to you.”

I looked down at the cracked wooden floor. “I know.”

“We have a zero tolerance policy at this school for any kind of bullying or violence.”

I nodded in hopeful anticipation of hearing about Tommy’s and Keith’s permanent expulsion from school.

“So I have decided….”

Can someone’s voice crack at his age?

“…to suspend each of them for one week.”

One week? That’s it? A week’s vacation for attacking me?
“Mr. Ringworm, I mean, Mr. Ringwood, Tommy and Keith didn’t just hit me, they tried to—”

Mr. Ringwood motioned for me to stop talking. He quickly rose and closed his office door, then hoisted his small body up onto his huge desk. For the first time in my life, I saw him not smiling. “Harold, I am going to ask you not to mention that to anyone, not even to your parents.”

“Why not?”

He wiped a glob of sweat off his forehead with his handkerchief. “These matters are hard for someone of your age to understand.”

Explain it to me.

Mr. R. sounded like a defense attorney at opening arguments. “Harold, this school has a stellar reputation. I know you want to keep it that way. I work every week to protect that.”

That and your retirement pension.

“Unfortunate
occurrences
like this, while—of course—they must be dealt with, we don’t want to make them… fuel for fodder. Do you understand?”

“I don’t think so.”

“The assistant principal will meet with those boys and read them the riot act. Every threat will be leveled against them—from telling their parents, to permanent expulsion, to making sure they never get into college, to suing them, and to arresting them. They will also be evicted from our football team.”

Now that the season is almost over.

“You are excused from your physical education class for the rest of the year. Harold, I give you my absolute word that you will be safe in this school. And if you should ever encounter a problem with them, or anyone else again, I want you to go directly to the assistant principal immediately and tell him. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”
I think I’m beginning to.

He sat on the chair next to me and whispered as if the room was bugged. “Harold, boys like you, and to be perfectly frank, like me, we have to be very careful. Because we are…
different
, we can make other boys like Tommy and Keith…
angry
. And that’s a dangerous thing to do. So sometimes, we have to…
contain
ourselves. Control our…
feelings
. Keep certain things…
hidden
, so we can remain safe, and so there aren’t any…
problems
.”

Is that what you do with the school board?
“Mr. Ringwood, do you think what happened to me is my fault?”

“No, Harold, absolutely, not! You were the victim. But this whole thing can be a good learning experience for you.” The infamous smile was back. “We who are…
atypical
, rather than wearing our idiosyncrasies on our shirtsleeves, we need to learn how to…
fit in
, to conform in society… to help make our lives, and the lives of those around us, safe and productive.”

“So what do you think I should do?”

He put his small hand on my shoulder. “Go home, take a shower, eat dinner, go to bed and try to forget this ever happened. And in the future, when faced with boys like Tommy and Keith, keep your distance, walk a different route, and stay in the shadows. Hold on to good friends like Hannah and Mario for protection. Make sure something like this doesn’t ever happen to you again.”

Mr. R. put his arm around me and walked me to his office door. “You are an excellent student, Harold. You have a successful academic career ahead of you. And a wonderful life ahead after that. Learn how to make everyone like you. Learn how to stay safe in this world… that so often can be unsafe. Protect
yourself
. I have confidence in
you
.”

He released his arm, opened the door, unveiled his customary smile, and shut the door.

At the time I thought that I had somehow provoked Tommy’s and Keith’s wrath against me. I also felt it was my fault that Mario was upset. So as the principal recommended, I kept my distance from Tommy and Keith, and tried to be the friend that Mario wanted me to be.

I also attended the Young Democrats’ meetings. When I say the Young Democrats, I mean the YA. Mr. Ringwood approved the establishment of the club, provided that if anyone asked our club name, we were to respond “the YA” or “Youth Association.” Every Friday at 3:00 p.m., we met in our advisor’s—Ms. Hunsley’s—classroom with Hannah as our leader. The club membership consisted of Hannah, me, and four other students who wanted to take advantage of the time to work on their chemistry experiments. Most of the time our topic of conservation was anti-environment, anti-gay, or anti-women legislation proposed by Republican legislators. We also talked about closet gay celebrities whom Hannah had a crush on. We did initiate a buddy system, however, where we each promised to come to the other’s rescue if Tommy, Keith, or anyone at school came after us. I will always be grateful to Hannah for that. Since Gay Straight Student Alliances had not yet been invented, the YA club was the best our high school had to offer, and I took advantage of it.

Ms. Hunsley sat and knitted during our meetings and said very little. So I was surprised after one of our meetings when she asked me if I would stay afterward to speak with her.

My chemistry teacher was a soft-spoken, middle-aged woman with long, dark hair tied at the back and a soulful look in her large, hazel eyes. The gray roots of her hair peeked out, surrounding her face with a silver glow. She wore a white smock over a simple light blouse and dark skirt each day. Ms. Hunsley wore no wedding ring, and appeared to be devoted to the field of chemistry.

That afternoon she put down her knitting, moved away from her desk, and motioned for me to sit on one of the stools near the window. I noticed the clear, crisp day outside matched Ms. Hunsley’s aura.

“You wanted to speak with me, Ms. Hunsley?”

She nodded and shut the classroom door.

After she sat on the stool next to me, I asked, “Ms. Hunsley, did I do something wrong?”

She stared into space for a few moments, appearing to be lost in her thoughts. “What? No. Of course not. You’re one of my best students.” Her smile made the sunny day more sunny.

“Is it something about the club? If so, shouldn’t we ask Hannah to join us?”

“It’s not about the club, Harold. Well, maybe it is… in a way.” She leaned forward and our eyes met. “I heard what Tommy and Keith did to you.”

My head dropped. “Oh.”

Ms. Hunsley pushed up my chin. “Harold, that was a terrible thing. It should not have happened. And those boys should not have been let back into this school.”

My mouth grew dry.

“Are you all right?”

I nodded.

“Are you keeping away from those boys?”

I nodded again.

“If those boys even so much as look at you again, I want you to promise that you will come and tell me. Promise?”

“Yes, Ms. Hunsley.”

“Good.” After a thoughtful pause, Ms. Hunsley asked, “Harold, why doesn’t Mario come to these club meetings?”