An Inconvenient Obsession (21 page)

Closing her eyes, Cate felt anxiety well within her chest. Anxiety and a paralyzing fear. As much as she wished to deny it, she knew she’d never be able to fill the gaping hole Ethan’s absence would leave behind. Watching him meet and wed and love another would kill her by slow degrees. “Don’t you ever get tired of being right?”

“Never.” Mrs. Bartholomew smiled, then leaned to offer a squeezing hug. “Go to him, for God’s sake. Put all of us out of our misery.”

Cate had never been to Ethan’s temporary New York office before, and when she entered the giant glass-and-chrome space, the severe elegance of its lines made her wonder if he ever experienced any softness in his life anymore. She stepped through the twelve-foot glass doors and stood, silent and unnoticed, while burly moving men scurried from one room
to another toting boxes. Her resolve wavered, urging her to abandon this crazy plan and escape with her dignity intact.

They were readying the office for its transfer back to London, she rationalized. They were busy. He’d be busy. He wouldn’t wish to see her again, not after the way she’d rejected him. Again.

But then she saw him through the slightly opened door of his personal office and she knew she’d always regret it if she didn’t at least try.

She watched as he appeared and disappeared, pacing before a giant, sleek desk that dominated a room encased in chrome, black-stained mahogany and rippled glass blocks. She couldn’t make out his exact words, his voice muffled by the thick gray carpet and panels of glass, but she could see that he was angry. He barked something into his phone, then clicked it shut with a scowl. Turning on his heel, he shoved the cell phone in his pocket and lifted his eyes.

Their gazes collided and she watched him recoil as if he’d been struck. Nervous and scared, she tried to move toward him, but her feet wouldn’t move. Her rebellious muscles refused to heed her frantic orders. So she remained frozen while her heart beat painfully against her ribs and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth.

Ethan was not as incapacitated as she. His door was ripped aside with a violence that drew a gasp from Cate, and he stormed toward her with fury twisting his mouth into a scowl. Panicked, she braced herself for his anger, curling inward as he drew close.

He bent to grasp her arm as if he were expecting her to flee. The tight grip of his fingers dug into the flesh of her upper arm, making her wince. Cate dared to meet his gaze, thinking she hardly recognized this angry stranger glowering down at her. Looking at him now, she would have never believed he’d
once held her, kissed her and pleasured her with such gentle care as he had.

“Why the hell are you here, Cate?” he asked, his harsh words abrading her cowering heart. He lowered his voice and ground out, “Wasn’t one afternoon of ‘you’re never going to change and we have no future’ enough?”

“No,” she blurted, then quickly shook her head. “I mean yes. I mean—” She stopped talking and inhaled, choosing her words with care. “I was wrong.”

He shoved her back, releasing her as if the mere touch of her arm repulsed him. “About what?”

“About us.” She moved forward, stopping just shy of touching him, and tipped her face to peer into his wintry eyes. “I forgive you.”

Though she’d not thought it possible, his expression became even more closed and remote. “I’m not interested in your forgiveness anymore.”

“I forgive you anyway.”

Ethan’s expression hardened as he stared at her. As inscrutable as always, his face gave no hints as to his feelings or thoughts. Worried he’d toss her out bodily, Cate searched frantically for the correct words, the perfect combination of syllables to make him soften. To make him hear. But then she saw the tic of his pulse just beneath his jaw and its violent beat sent a rush of hope through her. She may have killed his love for her, he might wish her gone, but her presence unnerved him. Regardless of the mask of indifference he’d donned, she affected him.

Cognizant of the way her words had battered his pride, she mustered her courage and offered him her own to flay. Vulnerable, scared and completely at his mercy, she implored, “I know you’re probably thinking it’s just me being charitable, but it’s not.”

Yet another silence unfurled between them, Ethan’s jaw so
tight that the muscles in his neck twitched. “Damn it, Cate,” he finally breathed, his shoulders lowering a fraction.

Dizzying relief spun through her. “Do you have someplace private we could talk?”

“My office.” He turned on his heel and strode away from her.

They reached the threshold of Ethan’s office and she scurried in after him before drawing to a stumbling halt. Bare nails gave mute evidence to the artwork that had once hung along the walls, while deep dents in the carpet belied the previous position of various chairs. The room was empty, save for the plush carpet, the wide desk and two walls of shuttered windows.

Ethan didn’t slow until he reached the half-closed mahogany shutters, his broad back as tense and welcoming as a wall of granite. Silence descended, thick and heavy, as Cate slowly moved toward him. Uncomfortable, nervous and wretchedly afraid now that the moment was here, Cate worried that she’d only muck things up further, that her bumbling words would solicit only more anger.

As if divining her wavering resolve, Ethan turned to face her with a scowl. “What changed your mind?”

Stalling for time, Cate backtracked to the door and turned the lock with a soft click. “I have a confession to make.” She turned to face him, her hands gripping the handle of his door at the base of her spine. Cate couldn’t contain her nervousness. Violent shivers claimed her limbs, making her teeth chatter. She clenched her jaw and relaxed her hands, forcing herself to walk back to the center of the cavernous office.

After an interminable pause, Ethan stepped grimly toward her, his icy glare upping the tension that pervaded the air. “I’m listening.”

Cate couldn’t think. Despite her rehearsed explanation, despite her carefully planned words, her mind was blank.
Scared witless, she nervously bit her lip while blinking away a sudden sting of tears.

Ethan’s focus dipped to her mouth, and his nostrils flared on an inhale. “Damn it, Cate, out with it already.”

Cate dropped her gaze, too much a coward to meet his eyes. She inhaled. Exhaled. And then stacked her hands against her abdomen while speaking to the floor. “I lied to you, too, Ethan. I still love you. I don’t trust you, but I love you. I always have. With all my heart. And I’m willing to try again if you are.” She closed her eyes, fear winnowing through her. “And I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I don’t just want you to be happy. I want to be happy, too.” Her stomach quivered beneath her palms as she confessed, “I’ve discovered I’m miserable without you, so I’m willing to risk being unhappy
with
you if it means we have the chance to be happy together.”

The muffled sounds beyond Ethan’s door blended with the silence, dropping in volume until there was no sound in the room beyond the beating of her pulse. She inhaled, feeling raw and scared and exposed. Knowing full well that her admission had made her vulnerable in a way she’d never been before, she couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. With a single, curt word, he could annihilate her, and the knowledge terrified her.

Ethan made a suffocated sound and moved toward her, breathing as if someone had knocked the wind out of him. “You love me?”

The tortured question caused her chest to tighten painfully. “Yes,” she mumbled desolately.

Ethan leaned forward, his anger now tempered by anguish. “Of course I’m willing to risk it, Cate.” His trembling hands cradled her cheeks, his glittering eyes wet and grieving. “You’re a part of me,” he confessed raggedly. “The best part. And I want to spend the rest of my life convincing you of that fact.”

Obviously, he didn’t understand why she was scared.
Gripping his wrists, she inhaled sharply and blinked hard. “It’s not going to be easy.”

He glared at her with fervent concern. “Who the hell wants easy?” He dragged a thumb over her quivering lower lip. “I want you, Cate. Easy. Hard. Happy. Scared. I don’t care, as long as I have you.”

Feebly, Cate twisted her face from his hands and stepped sideways, trying to gain space to think. “We’ll probably fight, and disappoint each other on occasion, and you know with my accident, I won’t be able to have children. You might regret being with a woman who is damaged, a woman who can’t give you sons.”

He cursed under his breath and tracked her retreat, reaching to grip her head between his wide, warm palms. Tipping her throat back, he forced her to meet his eyes. Savage, ardent intensity colored his voice. “I’ve wanted you for my whole life, and I’ve lived in unrelenting torment because I thought I could never have you. I love you for a million reasons that are anything but easy. I want you simply because you’re you. Flawed, imperfect, scarred, damaged, I don’t care. I love
you.
I want to spend my days and nights and all the minutes in between with you. I want you at my side at all those awful charity functions, I want you when your hair is messy, when you cry at a romantic movie and when you’re too tired to make love. I love your face, your humor, your smiles, the way you care for others and how you somehow manage to be both feminine and strong. Damn it, Cate, don’t you see that? If I have you, then we can work through everything else.” He stopped to suck in a breath, his bleak eyes as tormented as those of a condemned man. “Cate,” he whispered, “don’t you know what my life is like without you in it?”

“I do.” Tears overflowed, trailing messy wetness down her cheeks. “It’s mine without you.”

“No. It’s worse. Because I broke your trust in my love.
And because of it, I almost condemned us both to a lifetime of pain.” His mouth twisted in agony. “I’m so sorry, Cate.”

“It’s okay.” Her voice broke. “I’m sorry, too.”

“You’re forgiven.” He slanted his damp mouth over hers, assaulting her with rough, feverish kisses. “You’re my soul,” he breathed against her skin, dragging his lips to her chin, her cheeks, her brow. “Every day I’ve had to live without you has been hell. Every woman I’ve tried to replace you with has been wrong, each one more unsatisfying than the last—”

“Don’t—” she moaned.

“But I couldn’t stop,” he continued savagely, “because I needed something to stop the memory of you in my arms. I’ve had no peace, no rest. No matter where I turn, it’s you.
You,
Cate.” He broke off to devour her with raw, ravenous kisses. The taste of their mingled tears made Cate shudder with heat. Disoriented and reeling, she trembled beneath the jolts of pleasure his touch ignited. Ethan held her with a passion tinged with violence, his chest moving in hard, shallow breaths and his fingers gripping with enough force to leave bruises on her sensitive flesh. “Jesus,” he blurted, with the exasperation of a man who’d suffered beyond his ability to endure. “Do you know what these last few days have been like? You’ve put me through hell, Cate.”

Suddenly, Cate felt his arms across her back and upper thighs. Before she realized what had happened, he’d lifted her within his arms and spun toward his desk. “Ethan!” she squeaked.

“Hush. We’re just going to make love.”

Dangling over his arms, her linen skirt rucked high against her thighs and one shoe already gone, Cate squirmed to reclaim her dignity. “No! We’re in your office! Please. There are people, your employees for God’s sake, right outside that door!”

“Then we’d better be quiet, don’t you think?”

“I can’t,” she answered frantically. “Everything’s happening too fast. We still haven’t discussed—”

“Cate,” he interrupted tightly, “I don’t give a damn about who does or doesn’t hear, and I’m done talking. I’m making love to you now, and nothing is going to stop me.”

Shaking, Cate felt a resurgence of heat claim her limbs. “But—”

“Shh.” Ethan dipped his head to brush his mouth over hers. “We can be quiet,” he whispered. “I promise.”

She shivered in nervous denial. She worried that she couldn’t contain her response, should he truly make love to her here. In public. After a lifetime of behaving as she should, always aware of her place in society and the expectation that she maintain appearances, she couldn’t help it. But the knowledge that nothing she said would sway his decision made her pulse thrash crazily as he strode toward his desk. Reaching its polished length, he lowered her buttocks to the cool, wide surface. As she regained her balance, her palms coming into contact with the sleek mahogany, he stepped between her thighs and claimed her mouth anew.

Much, much later, after he’d made exquisitely silent love to her, Cate’s limbs felt too heavy to move. Draped around him, her cheek pressed against his sweat-filmed chest, she closed her eyes. “I love you, Ethan.”

“I love you, too, Catydid.” His heartbeat gradually slowed as he smoothed her damp hair back from her face and off her neck. His voice dipped low as he bent to kiss her forehead. “Always.”

Two years later

“I
T’LL
be okay,” Ethan said, looking down at her with poorly-disguised worry tightening his features. “You’re just exhausted. Between the move and all our travel this past year, it’s no wonder you’re so tired. It’s nothing a good rest won’t cure.”

Cate, garbed in a paper gown and shivering beneath two rows of harsh fluorescent lights, stared wordlessly at the diagrams on her doctor’s wall, her mind whirling with worst-case scenarios. Dr. Slattery had been out of the room for nearly an hour. Surely it didn’t take that long to run a couple of tests, did it?

“Cate.”

She looked at Ethan, at the concern that pulled at his strained smile of encouragement, and tried to muster matching optimism. It didn’t work. She was scared. So scared that her hands were numb and her teeth clacked together.

Ethan moved to cup her face between his palms, then leaned to press a comforting kiss against her chilled lips. “It’ll be okay, Cate. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay. We’ll fight it together.”

A slight rap on the door had both Cate and Ethan stiffening.
Ethan’s hand dropped to hers as he turned to face the news of their future.