An Illicit Pursuit (26 page)

When we exit the interstate and slide into
Wilshire, she opens her eyes, taking a moment to realize where she
is, stretches her arms, and tells me her address. I stop the engine
in front of the apartment building where she lives and watch her
unbuckle and gather the straps of her handbag.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah.”

I draw out my wallet and pull out a business
card out of it. “Here, take this. My cell number is on, too. You
can call me day or night if you need anything.”

She examines the card briefly, before
slipping it into the pocket of her shorts. “You’ve been a perfect
gentleman. Thank you.”

I, a perfect gentleman?

As I roll my eyes, trying to come up with a
joke to show her how I am everything but, she leans toward me and
brushes her soft, moist lips on my cheek for a small kiss, freezing
the world around me. Everything blends into a grey blur, and all I
can see is an unattainable image of Taylor and me in each other’s
arms, exchanging the love we have for one another.

The slight tingling on my skin where her lips
have touched and the warmth sweeping over my body flush everything
malicious and hurtful out of my system. My cock jumps to life as
expected. My heart, too, springs back to its full potential, as if
it was in a vegetative state my entire life. Not even the love I
felt for Pat seems real and tangible compared to the turmoil and
explosive emotions going on inside my soul in this very moment.

All for this girl. Beautiful, and vulnerable,
and my best-friend’s love.

“I’ll see you around,” she says and leaves,
abandoning me to sort out the raw and crashing emotions all alone.
As much as her kiss revitalized my body and soul in a matter of
seconds, her absence renders me petrified and forces me into a
sinister and menacing state. For a moment, I consider dropping on
my knees and crawling after her to plead with her to take me and
rescue me from loneliness.

I stay there for nearly half an hour, my
hands gripping the wheel, the engine of my car running, to pull
myself together. In vain. I barely notice a parking-enforcement car
stopping beside me. The sound of the car horn snaps me out of my
Taylor overdose, and I turn to look out of the window. After a
half-hearted apology, I ease onto the street and drive off toward
the house Pat turned into a home for us both.

It’d be a complete motherfucker of me to go
to our sacred place while sporting erotic fantasies of another
girl, but I have nowhere else to go. After Mom’s death, my father
traded the house for two condos in San Francisco, where he now
works. Adriana is in New York, Eleanor busy with her kid, the twins
partying their last teen years away. I have only Pat and our
home.

I throw the car keys and my wallet onto the
nightstand and throw myself onto the bed. The adrenalin rush has
left me drained now, and I close my eyes, fighting off the sight of
Taylor’s beautiful face, her saggy shirt hugging her large breasts,
and her… Fuck! I’ll never be able to get that mind-fucking sight of
her pussy out of my mind.

I jolt up in the bed when I a hear door
banging outside of the bedroom and get to my feet to check out who
it is. Pat’s entire crew left with her, except for the housekeeper,
who comes only during the week. So, the house should be empty
today.

I turn the doorknob, slightly pull the door
ajar, and scan around the dark hall.

“Adam.” Pat’s voice takes me completely off
guard, and I turn to the stairs to see Pat carrying a medium-size
suitcase.

“Holy hell, you scared me.” I run to free her
from the suitcase and hug her. “What are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t stay away from you. I’ve missed
you too much. Come here.” She pulls me in for a deep, passionate
kiss, and I try to reciprocate, but the fresh images of Taylor
rolling around in my head seem to have left me empty of any passion
for Pat.

She pulls away, stares at me curiously. I use
the suitcase as an excuse to hide my face from her intensive study
and carry it to our bedroom. “How was the flight?”

“Not good. Thought I wouldn’t make it here.”
Pat follows me into the bedroom and settles on the edge of the bed,
signaling me to sit beside her.

I place the suitcase by the door and sit and
tug her under my arm. Being close to her feels so alien, I have to
wonder whether I’ve lost my senses. “Why?”

“Because of you.”

“Me?” She knows.

“Yeah, I… I don’t know. You’ve been acting
strange, not the way I’ve gotten used to. I took a day off from
shooting to come here and iron out the issues between us. That’s
why I got a little too nervous on the plane.”

Issues? I don’t speak. Shit!

“Look, I’m sorry.” She slides her hand and
laces her fingers into mine. Her eyes are a pair of glowing, blue
marbles, staring at me. “I should have told you everything from
early on. I haven’t been honest with you completely, but now I want
to. I don’t want any secrets between us. You’re the only person I
adore and commit to with my whole heart. I want us to have a solid
base for our relationship so we can grow in our commitment and
love.”

It doesn’t sound like she’s complaining about
my strange withdrawal because of Taylor. Something in my head tells
me it’s related to her ex, Zachary Schulberg. Did she continue
having a relationship with him behind my back, after she and I had
started dating? “I can’t say I’m not exactly freaking out. What is
it that you kept from me?”

She draws her eyes down to our hands, and her
fingers tighten their hold on mine. Her chest is bouncing up and
down quickly. Something big is coming, and I’m not sure I can take
it after the Taylor-induced blow into my brain.

“I left Zach because his family couldn’t
approve of me for religious reasons. His mother made it clear that
I’d be nothing but a plague on Zach’s way to happiness as a
Jew.”

Does that make me a second choice, a plan B,
because she couldn’t have him? I don’t voice that thought. At least
not now.

“Then came the album deal, and I could see my
life laid out; finally heading the way I’d always dreamed of,
singing the songs I composed, having thousands of fans, success,
money. And you were there, too. Prince Charming willing to take me.
Despite the breakup with Zach, everything couldn’t have turned out
better.”

Hasn’t it? Except for the Taylor mishap,
things have been more than great between Pat and me.

“But, I did something horrible and I think
you, above everyone else in my life, deserve to know about it. I
don’t know why I kept it secret for all this time. But I see it’s
coming between us, and I don’t want it to have any influence in our
love.”

I frown; my eyebrows must be touching each
other. “What did you do?” Blame coats my tone, but I don’t care. If
she cheated on me with Zach, she deserves all the blame in the
world.

“I had an abortion.” Her voice trails off at
the end, and I’m not sure whether I heard it right.

“You had what?”

“Look, think about it before you turn all
judgmental on me. The album recordings, the tours, the concerts,
the shows. I would have never had a chance at any of those things
with a child. And without the deal, I’d have ended up on the
streets.”

Blood rushes to my brain with anger boiling
inside me. “Whose kid are you talking about? Mine?” I growl and
stand.

“No. Not yours. We hadn’t even had sex at
that time. It was Zach’s.”

Suddenly, I remember the day years ago when
she came home with her agent’s assistant, claiming to have fallen
on the stairs. “That day you fell on the stairs?”

She nods with a sob, tears rolling down her
cheeks.

“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have found
a solution together.” My stomach roils with the thought of an
abortion. Eleanor would have done the same thing if we hadn’t
pressurized her otherwise. Now, her son, Nolan is the apple of our
eyes in the family. The thought of Eleanor wanting to get rid of
him rendered it impossible for me to see her the way I used to; as
my innocent, little sister.

But, the circumstances must have been
different for Pat. For one thing, Ryan was willing to have the baby
and marry Eleanor. Most likely that ass of Zachary Schulberg forced
Pat to abort. I’d dig my bare fingers into his throat if he was
here right now. And, he has the fucking face to claim Pat had left
him for a richer man.

“It’s okay, baby.” I sit back next to her and
take her into my arms, stroking her hair as she cries against my
chest. “God, I hate your ex now more than ever.”

She draws herself away from my embrace,
looking up at me with another curious stare. “Why? He didn’t even
know I was pregnant.”

“You didn’t… even give him a chance to take
the decision with you?” Although I hate that guy, a part of me
feels compassion for him. I don’t know what I’d do if she’d aborted
my kid without letting me know. Looking at Pat now, I can see she
hasn’t told him anything about the abortion at all. Did she do the
same thing to me? Maybe not. But for all I know, I’ll be like a
sitting duck while she pulls the same crap on me.

She collapses on the bed, loud sobs raking
her body. Everything becomes clear now; her yearly retreats to be
alone around the end of October, her alcohol abuse—bordering
addiction, the intense gloom and anguish her face wears when she
thinks no one is looking at her, the truly sad and heart-wrenching
songs she wrote and composed in the past years compared to the
cheerful ones she’d written before our relationship.

My heart should melt for her, and I know I
should comfort her. She must have been going through a hell of
regret and remorse all these years, barely holding herself
together. But my heart feels nothing. Absolutely nothing for
her.

Not love, nor hatred, nor anything in
between.

Maybe anger for having been kept in the dark
for four fucking years. Instead of making the things right for us,
her belated honesty has ruined everything I felt for her in my
heart.

Everything.

I stride toward the nightstand, gather my
keys and wallet, and march out. The anger fuming in my head tunes
out every little sound around me, except for Pat’s loud pleas for
me to go back to her.

I fumble with the car key and finally manage
to insert it into the ignition. The only thing I want to do is
drive at maximum speed, but I don’t have a death wish. Yet.

Without much driving around, I head to Jack’s
home in north Hollywood.

“Hey, you okay?” Jack scowls once I get out
of my car. “You look like you could use some Jack Daniel's.”

“Yeah, pour me some. No, just give me the
entire bottle.”

“What’s up?”

“I fucked it up real bad.”

“What’re you talking about?” He kicks open
the door with his foot and lets me pass.

I walk directly to the liquor cabinet in the
living room and grab the first bottle off the shelf. “You want
some, too?”

He nods, and I fill two glasses and carry
them, along with the bottle under my arm, over to the coffee
table.

“So?” Jack grabs his glass but doesn’t drink
just yet, whereas I gulp down the entire glass with two swigs.

“Shit happened with Pat, and I don’t know how
to deal with it.”

“Enough with the drama and tell me what
happened.”

“She told me she had aborted her ex’s
baby.”

“Huh? Shit. That sucks.” He winces and
swallows a sip of his drink. “That was way before you and she got
together, though. Right?”

“Yeah, well, sort of. Remember the time she
was staying at my parent’s place and had some kind of a hip
injury?”

Jack nods.

“That wasn’t a hip injury. She was recovering
from the abortion.”

“You weren’t dating yet.”

“There’s more to come.” I pour myself another
glass and toss it back, letting it burn my throat. “Her ex had no
idea about the abortion. He didn’t know she was even pregnant. Can
you believe it? She didn’t tell him anything and just decided the
baby’s fate on her own.”

“Pat has never struck me as a liar, if you
consider hiding the truth a lie, but what do I know?”

“Of course it’s a lie,” I growl, then realize
I haven’t been honest to Jack about my weird attraction to Taylor,
either. I’m not even honest with myself about the real reason
behind leaving Pat so suddenly. She may have done shit in the past,
but am I really scared that she’ll pull the same stunt on me? Is
that really why I’m here, complaining to Jack instead of comforting
Pat and promising her everything’s going to be all right? Do I
really know everything between she and I will be the way it used to
be, with or without her past mistakes?

“She’s not gonna do the same thing to you,
though. She was too young and just at the start of her career at
that time and likely didn’t know any better.”

He’s right. Fuck. Then, what am I doing here?
Why don’t I go back to Pat and apologize? The abortion isn’t the
reason why I am here. It’s me and my insane obsession with Taylor.
How did I lose it so easily and quickly to some random girl?

Jack’s phone buzzes, and he draws it out of
his pocket. His face grows serious and tense as he reads the text
on it.

“What is it?”

“Huh?” He looks up at me, frowning, his
thoughts somewhere else.

“Bad news?” I ask again.

“Taylor is canceling tonight. She says she
doesn’t feel good.”

I remember the incident at the party earlier.
However furious I was with Brad for trying to take advantage of
Taylor, I can’t help but feel glad for another day that Taylor
remains a virgin. Untouched and innocent.

“Strange,” Jack says. “She was excited about
tonight as much as I was. Did something happen at the party?”

My eyes dart around, unable to look at his
face while I lie, “No.”