An Autumn to Remember: A Novel (Elmtown Series Book 1) (17 page)

23

   After mulling over the idea multiple times, Jamie summoned up the courage to call Chelsea. He clasped his cell phone in his right hand and let his chin rest on his left. He sighed and dialed her number.

   Her voicemail burst into his ears and calmed his feeling of anxiety. He realized he hadn’t even rehearsed what words to say if she picked the call. He didn’t want to leave a message so he dropped the call. He figured maybe she was away from her phone as she often was. Although there was no guarantee she would have picked his call even if she had been there, assuming she wasn’t made him feel less bad.

   I could go up to see her. What’s the worst that could happen? He decided he’d go up there, ring the doorbell and ask anyone who opened the door if Chelsea was home. He replayed different scenarios in his mind over five times.

   What if she opens the door herself? he thought. What would I say?

   He replayed his chosen words carefully for one last time and sprang to his feet.

   He had to see her.

   He had to talk to her.

   It shouldn’t end like this. It can’t, he thought. They were meant for each other. She was worth fighting for and he wasn’t going to give up. He concluded that if there was anything left of the love she had for him, then it was worth trying for and he wouldn’t be held down by fear.

   He emptied the remaining contents of his half-full can of beer into the sink and threw the can into the green plastic for recycling.

   He walked out of the kitchen and told his mother he would be back in a few minutes, that he needed to attend to something really quick.

   He reasoned if Chelsea hated him, if she didn’t want him anymore, at least let her say it to his face. The intermediate state of not knowing whether he still had a chance with her or not was nothing short of emotional hell. He left the basement and went straight for the front door.

   He rang the bell without hesitation but when he heard footsteps, he immediately felt sweat forming beneath the back of his head.

   “It’s you.”

   “Hello Mrs. Braithwaite.” He nodded courteously. “Is Chelsea home please?”

   “Let me go check,” she said and closed the door.

   She came back after what felt like an hour but was only five minutes and said, “She says she doesn’t want to see you.” The woman’s tone was as cold as ice.

   Jamie sighed heavily. “Please could you tell her it’ll only be for five minutes? I won’t bug her ever again. I desperately need to say something to her.”

   “Why don’t you call her cell?”

   “I have. She didn’t pick my call. Mrs. Braithwaite I think…”

   “Then leave her a message. Jamie, let me be honest with you. You should save yourself any potential embarrassment. She really doesn’t want to see you. I think it’s time you looked elsewhere and leave my daughter alone,” she said interjecting before he had finished his sentence.

   Her voice was stern, laced with unfeeling. She shut the door and applied the locks making him feel as though he’d been shut out of Chelsea’s life forever. He turned around and went back to their apartment where his mother was now making dinner.

   “Are you hungry? I made sausages for dinner,” Helen said, her gaze fixed on the plates on the table.

   “I’m good Mom. Do you need help with anything?”

   “No I got it. What’s up?”

   “Nothing.”

   “Nothing?” she asked, wondering why he’d darted out of the apartment.

   “I wanted to see Chelsea so we could talk but…” he pulled out a chair and sat down, “she doesn’t want to see me right now which is understandable considering what I’ve put her through. Her mother’s attitude is not helpful either. Since we moved here, the woman seemed sort of distant. As far as I remember she never used to be that way towards me. She was quite friendly back then.”

   “She obviously doesn’t like the idea of you two together.”

   “Well, that’s probably the only explanation. It’s fine, if Chelsea doesn’t want to see me then so be it. I should suffer for my own mistakes. Keeping secrets like that, why should I expect forgiveness?”

   “Give her some time but don’t expect too much. It’s still going to be her choice. On the other hand, I think you are better off forgiving yourself.” She could tell he was still holding on to a lot of guilt. “I’m yet to meet anyone without mistakes in life Jamie. Nobody is perfect and trust me honey, you are not the first person to keep a secret. Don’t let this weigh you down so much.” Then she started a story out of the blue. “When I was sixteen, before I met your father, I worked for a man called John-Paul Alexander. He and my father fought together in the Vietnam war. I was hell bent on learning everything I could about cooking but since Dad couldn’t afford to send me to cooking school I moved to Burlington, Vermont where Mr. Alexander owned two hotels near town center. Mr. Alexander was very kind to me but it didn't take long before I realized what was really beneath his kind gestures towards me. After two months of working with him, I began to see how cruel he really was to the other girls, how he had some strange power over them and how his generosity was directed toward the younger girls with a certain type of hair, which included me. Apparently he was particular about the type of hair he liked in women.” She paused, touched her forehead and sighed, then continued, “Let's just say he had other interests in me besides my skills in the kitchen. I wasn't mature enough to notice when an older man had indecent desires towards me so eventually something did happen and I became pregnant. I was too ashamed to tell anyone that he raped me. At sixteen, I felt it was my fault and that my parents were going to be really mad at me so with the help of one of the girls, I had an abortion. I left Vermont but didn't tell my parents. I never told your father. I've never told anyone before now."

   She saw the look of disbelief that engulfed the whole of Jamie’s face. His mother? An abortion? Not in a million years could he have thought she was a victim of rape.

   “But why didn't you ever tell anyone?” Jamie stuttered. The thought of someone laying their dirty hands on his mother made his blood boil.

   She ran her hand over her thighs, straightening out the creases on her dress. "I was young and too ashamed to know the right thing to do. He should have been punished for what he did but my fear of what people would think got the better of me. I felt ashamed and worthless and most of all, although wrongly, I felt a deep sense of guilt and responsibility for what happened.”

   “Is there a reason why you are telling me this?” Jamie asked softly with a tone of compassion in his voice. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked as if it were possible to do something to change what happened in the past. He wanted to smash that man’s face into a pulp.

   “I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through. I understand what it means to want to run away from something, to want to sweep it under the rug like it never happened. Sometimes people have secrets they’ve never told a single soul. Although I wish you had told me that I was going to have grandchildren.” She smiled at him. “But I am not holding it against you, you were eighteen and unwise like teenagers can be sometimes. I am on your side Jamie, don't ever forget that. You are not the first person to have a secret so stop beating yourself up about it. You have so much to accomplish in life, don’t let this get you down. Never let anything keep you down, not even your own mistakes."

   “Thanks Mom and I'm so sorry you had to go through...through such a horrible experience."

   “It’s in the past now. It was very hard but I had to move on. I felt so guilty for many years about not telling your father but remember our agreement to always move away from what's already done so we can move forward into the future? That’s what I’m doing now.”

   “You’re really an amazing woman. Your strength inspires me all the time. I really don’t want to disappoint you because of all the sacrifices you’ve made for me. I could never have guessed you went through such a horrible experience.”

   “Jamie, don't look so sad. You won’t disappoint me because I’m already proud of who you are," she said with a gentle smile. They’d been through so much together.

   He nodded as he felt his eyes give way to the tears he had been holding back. He held her hand as he wiped away his tears and felt a surge of anger brewing on his inside. He wished he could find that man that touched his mother and rip his penis off of his body.

   “What's on your mind?"

   “Thinking about smashing something into his face.”

   “Who?”

   “The man who hurt you.” He couldn’t bring himself to say the word rape.

“Well you don’t have to kill anyone son. Two wrongs don’t make a right and that won’t change what happened. Besides he died some years ago.”

***

   Jamie and his mother discussed steps they could take to find Ji-Min. He was going to contact the gym where he worked in Seoul and see if anyone there could help. Although he couldn’t remember any of their names, he hoped some of the people he worked with had remained; maybe they could furnish him with some useful information.

   Jamie cleared his throat. “Those boys. They are my sons you know? I’ve never felt anything like that before. It’s such a weird yet pleasant thought. If I’d known..." he said as he started wrapping some of their breakable items in newspapers. Helen called the estate agent and they were leaving in a week. Since it was also Jamie’s graduation week, they decided to give themselves a head start.

   “Yes they are, and we need to work on how you and I can be part of their lives. I still can't believe I've had grandsons all these years," Helen said. She folded the brown cardboard into a box, taped it up, then dropped it beside the five other boxes she already made.

   “It does feel like a dream,” Jamie said rubbing his puffy eyes. “I think I can officially call this the craziest autumn of my life."

   “Crazy indeed,” Helen said then paused like she was deciding whether to say what was on her mind. “So I’ve been thinking about what you said…” she eventually let out, “and please Jamie, don’t get me wrong, this was a hard decision but I think you shouldn’t change your mind. Don’t accept the job offer.”

   Jamie placed the glass cup he almost finished wrapping by the side and fixed his gaze on Helen.

   “Most of the things around us are things that were birthed from someone’s dream. What if the guy who invented this cardboard decided not to follow his dream? Whoever he is, someone invented this,” she continued.

   “Robert Gair,” Jamie said as he followed with rapt attention.

   “As your mother, I should be fanning the flames of your dreams and not doing things to blow them out. So Jamie, I think you should go to Allen City and follow those wild crazy dreams of yours and be the best jazz singer in the world."

   He heard what she said but didn't understand why she was saying it.

   “Wait are you saying you want me to turn down sixty thousand bucks a year?” He wanted to make sure he wasn’t misinterpreting her words and that she was thinking through what she was saying to him. There were times in the past when she said things based on how she was feeling only to regret making a decision devoid of logic.

   She smiled.

   “Jamie, I have given this a lot of thought. The best thing you can ever do for yourself is to do what you want to do in life and be happy. If it doesn’t work, at least you’ll know you tried. I probably should have put more effort into pursuing my dreams myself instead of living life like a chore, hating what I do most of the time and just surviving through life. I always think about what could have been if I hadn’t given up.”

   “But it wasn’t your fault. What that man did was ludicrous.”

   She shrugged. “I’m sure there are people who have gone through worse things and still made something of their lives. There’ll always be excuses if you’re looking for them. If you accept them, you stay in the same spot. But you can decide to jump over them or use them as stepping stones and sadly, the truth is I didn’t.” She looked at him and said firmly, “Don’t make that same mistake. I know this sounds completely different from what you thought I was going to say but I think I had a sort of awakening that night after we argued on Thanksgiving. I saw the passion in your eyes and how much jazz meant to you. I want you to live and not just survive. Think about it, we’ve been going in circles for a long time. Life shouldn’t be about just working and paying bills until one dies should it?”

   “What about this? I take the job, work for a year so we can save up some money then I can move to Allen City.” He wanted to give her a final chance.

   “No Jamie. No. I think it’s time you stopped living for both of us. You need to live your own life, follow your own path and make your own mistakes. If you don’t go now, you will get caught up in the same cycle we all get caught in and possibly lose your passion. Trust me son, you need that hunger because you will face challenges along the way. Without it you will give up.”

He gave a smile and embraced her. She was right and he was grateful for having such a woman as his mother. She now believed in his dream and that was more than enough motivation to set forth.