America, You Sexy Bitch (33 page)

 

Michael:
At the moment, Meghan is high on a new band called Steel Magnolia, a cute boyfriend-girlfriend duo from Louisiana that is performing tonight at the Grand Ole Opry.

“They’re
amazing
,” she says.

I doubt it. But we’ve got tickets for the show, so I guess I’ll find out for myself. My one other time at the Grand Ole Opry was on a family vacation when I was a kid. Surprisingly, my lesbian mother from Chicago is a big country music fan. One summer, she and her partner took us kids to Nashville for a week. I have three memories from the trip: riding a roller coaster called the Wabash Cannonball, eating GooGoo Clusters, and going to the Grand Ole Opry. Of those
three activities, I would rank the Grand Ole Opry third. To me, it just seemed like a hokey, live performance of
Hee Haw.

In May of 2010, the Opry and much of Nashville flooded after two days of torrential rains caused the Cumberland River to overflow. The flooding did not receive the kind of national attention that other floods of recent years got, possibly because the BP oil spill was occurring at the same time, as well as a plot to bomb Times Square. Plus, now that major flooding has become a common occurrence, it just didn’t get the national airtime it might have in years past.

Which brings me to global warming and Republican orthodoxy. It is endlessly fascinating to me that a political party has decided, en masse, to reject a conclusion reached by nearly the entirety of the scientific community. Many Republicans will not even acknowledge that the Earth’s surface temperature is warming, which as far as I can tell is indisputable.

Doesn’t whatever is causing melting ice caps, rising ocean levels, coastal flooding, increasing precipitation, and encroaching deserts deserve a more careful consideration by one of the major political parties of the most powerful country on the planet? Doesn’t that seem logical? Doesn’t it seem like at least some members of that party would stand up in front of the C-Span cameras and say, “Guys, our shit is fucked up here”?

The answer is obviously yes, unless that political party is unwilling to concede that any of these things are occurring. But to do
that,
a political party would have to be willing to ignore reams of scientific evidence to the contrary, which no political party would do because it would make them look foolish. It would be like disputing even basic, settled science like evolution. And no political party would do that.

One of the brilliant side effects of the Republican establishment aligning themselves so closely with the Christian conservative movement is that it allows their rank-and-file to dismiss reason. Religion, by its definition, is an act of faith. Faith requires no evidence. On the contrary, if there
were
evidence, it would no longer
be faith. Republicans have figured out a way to blur the lines between faith and reason in such a way that the two become indistinct. The “theory” of evolution is a perfect example. Mainstream Republicans, including nearly all recent Republican presidential candidates, are on record as saying they do not believe in evolution, which at this point is like saying they believe the moon is made of cheese.

In September 2011, a Protestant Religion Research Institute poll showed only 32 percent of white evangelicals believe in evolution. The same poll showed that 31 percent of Tea Partiers “were significantly more likely than other religious or political groups to believe that humans were created within the last 10,000 years.” Sorry to use statistics here, especially because statistics are science, and science is stupid.

When Republicans talk about “the war on Christianity,” this is what they’re talking about. It is a war that they themselves have launched, in an effort to make their evangelical constituents feel besieged and marginalized. If they feel their value system is under attack, they will grow more insular, and they will reject more of what they are being told is a “liberal mainstream media bias” against them, forcing them to turn to “alternative media” like Fox News and talk radio, which will continue to feed them this not only alternate news but alternate reality.

If you want to find at least one significant reason why America is polarized, this is it: because Republicans are lying to their base about science.

I don’t know whether the Nashville floods were caused by global warming or not, but I know that climate change predicts increased precipitation, and I know that climatologists are saying that’s exactly what’s happening. So the question is, who are you going to believe: climatologists or Rush Limbaugh?

 

Meghan:
For all of the reasons that I’m happy to get to Nashville, I’m even more so because it’s Cousin John’s hometown. He is so excited to visit his grandmother that he is practically jumping out of
his driver’s seat. I can’t help but feel a little sentimental at how excited Cousin John is to see his “nana.”

She is an elderly woman living in a house her husband built for her that sits on top of a large hill surrounded by grass, trees, and a small river with a bridge. It pretty much looks like any ideal, average American setting. We sit around in her living room as Cousin John catches her up on his life, and eventually we all watch
Dr. Oz
together.

There is something really sweet and endearing about how much Cousin John loves his grandmother. I already like Cousin John, but now I can add to my growing admiration that he is a really genuine guy who looks after his family.

While we’re watching
Dr. Oz
, Michael and I pick up our spat over global warming, a frequent topic of ours in the sweltering heat of the tin can on wheels that we’re slowly cooking ourselves in. Much to Michael’s chagrin, I happen to be that rare Republican who actually believes in climate change, and I agree that there is enough scientific evidence to support the facts that explain just how badly our planet is being damaged by humans. We are on the cusp of dangerously altering our earth’s climate.

All that said, Michael’s fondness for saying, “Republicans are lying to their base about science” is complete liberal hogwash. That statement is also utterly absurd and simplistic, and quite frankly I expect more from Michael than that. Let me tell you something, Michael and Democrats everywhere, you are the ones who have completely screwed up the way the dangers of climate change have been communicated to the rest of the country; and by “the rest of the country” I mean pretty much everywhere that is not Los Angeles or New York City. I believe in climate change, but I’m sick of hearing about it from Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Gore.

First of all, the people who don’t believe in climate change don’t believe it because as far as they are concerned it is a liberal, elite, yes, Hollywood-manifested problem, that may or may not have enough scientific evidence to back it up. I am scared of what is going on with our country and the environment, but the idea of being
lectured about it by Hollywood actors and directors who have never left Malibu, and whose idea of “helping the environment” is buying a Prius while yelling at everyone else, makes me want to vomit. Right now, America and Americans are really hurting. People cannot afford to buy their families dinner, let alone worry about buying an expensive hybrid car, going green, or shopping at Whole Foods for eco-conscious foods. Let me tell you something: going green is difficult and expensive and Hollywood is not doing anything to make it easier or more accessible for the rest of the country. Can you blame Americans for not wanting to be lectured to by multimillionaire celebrities who go on and on about saving the environment, yet spend a majority of their time on private planes that leave a carbon footprint larger than many towns people live in?

Laurie David is the ex-wife of Larry David (the creator of
Seinfeld
and
Curb Your Enthusiasm
). She is a big, big environmentalist, dedicating pretty much her entire life to the green movement and trying to educate Americans on what they can do to help reduce their carbon footprint. She also produced the Al Gore documentary
An Inconvenient Truth
and wrote a book for children,
The Down-to-Earth Guide to Global Warming
. Laurie David also has come under fire because she demolished seventy-five acres of undeveloped wetlands and replaced them with swimming pools during a six-year construction project for her house on Martha’s Vineyard. She was later fined for illegal wetland abuse and publicly ridiculed for her hypocrisy. She also openly admitted to flying private planes and the extra damage to the environment she is doing. I don’t want to hear anything from this woman regarding the state of the hole in our ozone layer. She is a walking, talking cliché, and even I tune out when someone like this is preaching, no matter what their intentions.

This is the problem with the way the green movement is executed by many celebrities. There is even a term for it called “greenwashing,” where a celebrity or company publicly touts being green and having a green lifestyle but actually doesn’t always practice what they preach. Climate change should be something that is
openly discussed and dealt with, but a big problem is that the entire thing seems so ominous and scary, for myself included. There is this idea that you have to be a huge multimillionaire celebrity in order to “green” your life. If there is one thing Republicans don’t cotton to, it’s liberals in Hollywood.

I do not want environmental issues to be taboo within Republican politics. I do not want it to be a “liberal” issue because, at the end of the day, it is a human issue. I think both sides are unreasonable and painfully unaware of the damage they are doing. Republicans cannot ignore the problems we are facing with the environment just because it goes off the general litmus talking points, and liberals need to start being more cognizant of the real issues facing average Americans. For better or worse, carbon footprints are not going to be one of their main focuses or concerns.

I wish we could meet someplace in the middle, but I don’t have the highest of hopes. Environmental issues are still rarely talked about in Republican politics, and Democrats act as if Republicans are stupid and ignorant to not make it their number one issue. Both are wrong and doing damage. Let it be said that I am woman enough to admit that my ears start tuning out anytime I hear a self-righteous liberal going on a tangent about climate change and going green. It’s a very clear example of the inability both sides have in not only not communicating with one another, but not even understanding the extreme worlds and perspectives they are both coming from.

Liberals, make it easier and simpler to go green and stop approaching the subject like it’s doomsday and a giant tidal wave is seconds away from drowning the entire country. The dialogue about climate change is apocalyptic. If people feel like something is too scary, they tune out. Take baby steps and don’t approach the situation like everyone has the access and opportunity to go green. Liberals need to start approaching this issue from the perspective of a Wal-Mart shopper in Dubuque, Iowa, and not Malibu, California. Please stop talking to Republicans like they are ignorant because they do not want to be lectured to by disconnected
celebrities in Los Angeles who have all the access and financial means in the world to “go green.” Most Americans are worried about their families and their jobs and they simply don’t have the time, energy, or income to give to the movement. Everyone needs to come together to make this issue much simpler and much more accessible. For the love of God, Democrats, please use someone as a spokesperson to do this who is not such a cliché. Send Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio to lecture in Beverly Hills, and someone more relatable and less pretentious to speak to the rest of the country.

Republicans, you’re not getting off easy either. This is the deal, guys: climate change is happening. This crazy-hot summer we’re having on this road trip? Climate change is probably a big part of the cause. Haven’t you noticed the weird hurricanes in New York City? The flooding in Nashville? I’m no scientist, but I know enough to know all of these things are related and that our weather patterns keep getting stranger and stranger each passing year. On top of everything else, pretty much every scientist in the world confirms that climate change is in fact happening and a large cause of it is due to human impact on the planet. We have to start evolving with the times and coming to the realization that this is something that is actually happening. The one thing I will give Michael in this argument is that it does look dated not to at least be open to the idea of climate change. Just because it has historically been a liberal issue does not mean it isn’t also a Republican one, and can’t be an American one in the future.

 

Michael:
Let me get off my soapbox and back to the RV. We’re rolling through some beautiful country just outside of Nashville. This is Pegram, Cousin John’s hometown. He grew up here and we’re paying a surprise visit to his grandmother before we continue into town. As we get close, he tells me about the area and some of the people who live here. I am particularly interested in Chicken Willy, who raises chickens for underground cockfights. I ask him to tell me when we pass Chicken Willy’s house.

Cousin John points out the wooded estates of a few country stars, although you can’t see much from the road. We’re up and down hills, driving along narrow leafy roads. As we get close to his grandmother’s house, his arm sweeps across the front windshield.

“My grandfather owned all this. Eight hundred eighty-seven acres. This hill, they actually named Haley Hill after my grandfather.” He tells us his grandfather used to share his plumbing shop with Bill Monroe, the bluegrass legend.

He taps the horn as we pass a guy in front of his house.

“Was that Chicken Willy?” I ask.

“Nah. You’ll see Chicken Willy. You can’t mistake his house. He’s got fifty fuckin’ chickens in the front yard.”

His grandmother’s house is on top of a small hill, high enough to be spared the floodwaters from last year, although one of the bridges on her property got washed away. The place is modest, built by Cousin John’s dad from the frame up. A big old Cadillac is under a tarp out front.