Amber Frost (16 page)

“Then what is?” His curiosity was obvious now, his eyes burned with it. I swallowed hard, trying to draw strength from deep down inside.

“Do you love me?” I asked softly, my voice quietly breaking along with my heart. My eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill. I blinked hard, trying to hold them back.

He stood so still, for a moment it was hard to tell if he was even breathing. His gaze was locked with mine, his face expressionless. And then suddenly his mask crumpled. His eyes filled with pain and passion, his expression twisted in sorrow and regret. He crossed the room in two quick steps, pulled me up off his bed and enfolded me in his arms in a fierce embrace, crushing me against his firm chest.

“Gracelynn, how can you even ask me that? It should be so obvious,” he chastised, rocking me gently as he spoke. My heart swelled in my chest at his words. I clung to him tightly, letting my tears trickle down my cheeks. “Of course I love you. I love you more than anyone or anything else; I love you more than I even love myself and that is, after all, the root of all our problems.” I pulled back from him just enough so that I could see his face. The pained expression had returned, the agony clear in his eyes.

“Sebastian, I don’t understand.” I gently touched his face with my fingertips, stroking his smooth skin. He closed his eyes for a moment, leaning into my touch. When he opened them again, his expression was decidedly resigned and weary. He slowly sat down on his bed, gently pulling me down to sit beside him.

“I’ve kept something from you, Gracelynn. Something I should have told you right from the start. I’ve lived a lot longer than you may think I have... I can’t… I mean, I don’t… age,” he announced quietly. Despite myself, a small gasp escaped my lips. He continued on in a rush. “And as long as I’m around you, as long as I love you like this and want you by my side forever… then you won’t age either. I’m so sorry, Gracelynn. It’s the reason why I had to stop being your friend as soon as I remembered, as soon as I realized what was happening. And it’s the reason why I have to leave… and why I’m going to have to make you forget me – forget all of this. I don’t want you to come looking for me.” His expression was one of deep and ancient sadness as he slowly lifted his hands to lightly place his fingers at my temples. I was too shocked to speak, to move, and so I watched in mute horror as he firmly pressed his fingertips against my skin and closed his eyes in concentration.

Sebastian’s brow furrowed in concentration, his lips compressed into a thin line. I felt his fingertips become impossibly hot against my skin, a strange, tingling sensation started to spread out from them and across my skull. Panic hit me as I realized what he was trying to do – what he wanted to happen. I found my tongue just in time, jerking my head out of his grasp.

“Don’t you dare,” I hissed, the outrage clear in my voice.

“Gracelynn, what choice do I have?” he asked desperately, miserably.

“It won’t work. No matter how far away you are, even if I can’t remember anything about you – not even your name, I still won’t age. It can’t be undone.”

“It will work,” he argued, his voice sad but patient. “It already has. The day I told you we couldn’t be friends anymore, the day I started staying away from you, you began aging again. You’ll notice it soon,” he assured me. I shook my head in denial.

“You’re wrong Sebastian, I’m not aging. Not unless I’m pregnant,” I added, my face flushing slightly. It was almost nice to see Sebastian look completely confused for once. I could see him visibly struggling to make sense of my words.

“Are you saying that your… cycle has stopped?” he asked, obviously uncomfortable. No matter how many years he might have claimed to have lived, his obvious discomfort with alluding to the female anatomy made it hard to think of him as anything other than the teenage boy that he appeared.

“Yes, that’s what I’m telling you. And if your plan really had worked, wouldn’t my ‘cycle’ have started again by now?” I pointed out. He frowned, considering my words carefully.

“It should have,” he admitted. “Maybe once I’m further away…”

“No,” I interrupted. “You know it won’t work. It’s not what you really want.” He studied my eyes as I spoke as if searching for answers there. We considered each other in silence for several long seconds.

“Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” he asked quite seriously. I gave him a hard shove, nearly knocking him off the bed.

“Sebastian! How can you even ask me that?” His face broke into a cheeky grin. An answering smile automatically spread across my face, my outrage instantly fading. I had missed him so much.

“One ridiculous question for another,” he told me, grinning mischievously still. My confusion must have been obvious as he answered my question before I could speak it. “You asked if I loved you,” he reminded me with a soft snort. His grin faded to a gentle smile, his eyes softening and filling with a tender love.

“And you said that you did,” I said quietly, the wonder clear in my voice.

“I do,” he agreed.

My breathing came fast and shallow as he leaned forward to kiss me. It was just as wonderful, even more amazing than I had remembered. The room spun as all of my senses were overpowered by him. My passion and love for him flared with my overwhelming desire as our lips moved together in a never-ending kiss. Once more I felt truly alive, completely whole as I was encompassed by his arms. And I knew it was not just my body responding to him but my soul itself that recognized its counterpart and rejoiced.

Several long minutes later we broke apart. Neither one of us ended the kiss, it was just a mutual understanding that we needed to take a break, to slow things down for a moment. Too much had still been left unsaid and I wasn’t going to continue my relationship with him any further until I had the answers I needed. At some point we had moved to lie down on his bed, and though I was thrilled to be reunited with him and overwhelmed to the point of near frenzy that he loved me too, I was still nowhere near ready to take
that
step in our relationship.

I twisted around in his arms so that I could see his face. We lay side by side on top of his dark blue duvet. Both of us were trying to catch our breath and slow our racing hearts. We shared a warm, slow smile as we gazed into each other’s eyes; this felt so right, like he was my perfect match.

“I love you,” I told him, my voice slightly breathless still. The words felt natural coming out of my mouth; everything about this felt so easy, so right. He looked at me with eyes full of adoration and wonder.

“Hearing you say that… how do you make my heart pound and yet still give me chills at the same time?” He shook his head with a slight laugh, then gently and tenderly kissed my forehead, then the tip of my nose, making his way down to my lips. He then kissed me very slowly and very gently, sending a warm, passionate glow through out my body, triggering some unfamiliar and thrilling sensations. “I love you too, more than anything,” he proclaimed with a sigh. I pulled back once more, studying his expression. He looked tired and resigned again.

“You said that was the root of our problems, that you love me too much?” I struggled to remember exactly what he’d said. I was still feeling a bit dizzy.

“Yes. I suppose I should explain. I have no choice but to tell you everything now.” He sat up as he spoke, leaning back against the pillows on his bed. He pulled me up with him, wrapping his arms tightly around me. “I’ve always known that I was different from the other people around me. I don’t age, I don’t get sick, I never get hurt and strange things happen around me, I’m always provided with opportunities to get what I want. But I’ve never been able to control it in even the slightest… until I met you. I wasn’t sure why that was but I’ve come up with a theory.”

“I’m intrigued,” I murmured encouragingly. And truly I was; it was fascinating to finally understand some of what he’d alluded to, some of what I’d already noticed, and to have a little of his mystery revealed.

“Though I can’t specifically remember, I’m certain that no one else has ever made me feel like this before, Gracelynn. In my hundreds of years, I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you.” His eyes flickered as he spoke, I was careful to keep my face blank and hide my shock at his casual mention of his age. “And therein lies the problem. I want you to be happy more than I want my own happiness. But by the time I remembered why I shouldn’t get too close to anyone, why I should never, ever allow myself to even come close to falling in love… it was too late. So you see, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything else but I also wish with all my heart, that I didn’t want you in this way. The contradiction, the conflicting desires, I think it allows me to control my influence on things… to some extent.” I nodded numbly, barely able to keep up with what he was saying. I was so astonished and overwhelmed by it all.

“To some extent?” I echoed weakly.

“I still can’t control others’ thoughts or emotions, and my influence only extends within the parameters of what is possible. I also can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to. I can only make it more likely that something will happen – provide more opportunities for people to do things the way I want,” he explained. I frowned in concentration, trying to understand.

“When you said you were going to make me forget…?”

“I’m not sure if it would have worked,” he admitted. “I remembered something recently, I wasn’t certain if it was a real memory or just a dream but I think I may have made others forget me before... I think it might be possible. It was the only solution I could think of anyway. And if I truly believed you would be happier forgetting me, if a small part of you had wanted that too, I think it could have worked. I want so badly for you to be happy.”

Did part of me wish I could just forget about Sebastian Caldwood? My life would certainly be less complicated, easier, but also a lot less interesting. A chill ran through me as I realized just how close I may have come to completely forgetting this wonderful, handsome, amazing boy beside me. My life would have gone back to how it was before I met him. I would be sad and lonely and empty still; always searching for something I couldn’t even remember ever having. It was a horrifying thought.

“I’ve overestimated myself a lot lately,” Sebastian continued, immediately drawing my attention back to him. “I was certain that if I was able to say goodbye and to leave you, it would mean I wanted the right thing enough for you to start aging again. But apparently, I’m just too selfish. No matter how badly I want to do the right thing, I still want to keep you for myself, more,” he said somewhat miserably.

“So… are you telling me that I’m immortal now too?” I asked, feeling silly as I said it. It didn’t help at all when he laughed.

“I’m not immortal, Gracelynn. It’s not like that,” he said, fighting another smile. “I don’t age or get sick or get hurt because I don’t want to, not because I can’t. And I won’t ever die, because no matter how I may wish for it at times, a small part of my being will always follow the basic survival instinct and reject the idea – I could never want it enough for it to happen. As for you… I’m not certain. I think as long as I love you the way that I do now, you won’t age either, you won’t ever get sick, you can’t get hurt – you won’t die.”

“It doesn’t sound that bad…” He frowned down at me.

“Do you really want to be eighteen forever? To watch all your friends and family grow old and die? To never be able to live in one place for too long, least people become suspicious? To never be able to get too close to anyone, other than myself?” he demanded, his voice growing heated as he spoke. “It may not sound that bad now, Gracelynn, but eventually you would resent me for it; you’d grow to hate me. I’d be taking everything away from you and giving you nothing but a curse in return. I’d hate myself – more than I already do.” We stared at each other in silence, reading the emotions in one another’s eyes. I could tell that my silence was hurting him, it was an unspoken confirmation of the truth behind his words. I felt the sudden urge to comfort him, to take away some of his pain.

“It’ll be alright, Sebastian. Please don’t worry about it; I’m not,” I told him honestly. He looked down at me with doubt in his eyes.

“How can you honestly say that, Gracelynn? I love you but I’m ruining your life – and it’s
killing
me. And I have no idea what to do! How can I fix this?” He tipped his head back against the headboard of his bed, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration.

“The answer’s so obvious, Sebastian, do you really not see it?” I asked, surprised by my own sudden realization. He slowly opened one eye and looked down at me questioningly. “You don’t have to
do
anything. As long as you want there to be a solution, as long as you want there to be a way for it to work between us – it will. So just relax; live in the moment,” I reminded him. His expression became incredulous, his eyes widening with wonder.

“I never thought…” his voice trailed off as he considered my words. I could practically see his brain working, relief flooding his eyes. “How do you do it Gracelynn? How do you make sense out of my distorted, confusing existence with such ease?”

I laughed. “You think it’s easy?”

He grinned in response, hugging me tightly against his side. I happily nestled in.

“I hope you’re right,” he whispered into my hair. “If you’re not…”

“I’m always right,” I told him confidently. He chuckled softly in response. We lay quietly in each others’ arms for some time, Sebastian gently stroking my hair. I was so happy, it was unbelievable. I trusted him and I knew somehow, everything was going to be okay. Despite everything, all the craziness, all the questions that still swirled in my head, there wasn’t anywhere else I’d rather be right then…

“What time is it?” I suddenly asked, sitting bolt upright and rapidly scanning his room for a clock.

“It’s nearly five,” Sebastian answered calmly, gesturing to a small, antique-looking pendulum clock on one of his shelves. I wondered if he had bought it new.

“Shoot,” I cursed. “I’m supposed to be having dinner with my parents at the Simons’.” I sat up on his bed, torn between the desire to stay with him longer and the fear of further displeasing my mother.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No,” I answered without hesitation.

“I want you to stay and I don’t want for there to be any trouble between you and your parents,” Sebastian told me, speaking slowly and carefully.

“Okay – thank you.” It took me a moment to understand what he meant. “Oh… so if I called Clarke, do you think he’d cover for me?”

“I want you to be able to stay; I want it very much, so one way or another it will work out. I honestly don’t know if Clarke will help you. ” He shrugged. “Why don’t you find out?”

He sat back against the pillows, watching me curiously as I slipped my cell phone out of the pocket of my school blazer and dialed Clarke’s number. He answered after just one ring.

“Grace, where the hell are you?” he demanded. He sounded angry and perhaps a little worried.

“I stopped by the Jensons’ place,” I told him honestly. Sebastian raised an eyebrow at me, seeming to question whether the truth was the right approach. I thought I knew what I was doing. “I had to, I couldn’t let Sebastian leave without saying goodbye,” I explained.

“Of course not,” Clarke replied sarcastically. “Well you better hurry over here. Your parents will be arriving any minute.”

“Actually, I’m not coming,” I admitted reluctantly. Why was I feeling guilty?

“Why not?”

“Clarke, you’re my friend, right?” I asked, hoping I didn’t sound too wheedling.

“Yeah, we’re friends. But you know I’d like to be more than that,” he reminded me. I winced.

“I know and I’m sorry but… I need to know I can trust you, Clarke, and I need you to trust me. I can’t come tonight – please don’t ask why. Just tell my parents that I was with you up until recently, and then I had to leave. Make something up, they’ll believe you.” He silently considered.