Amazon Chief (69 page)

"I don't need help!"

"So you have learned to quiet the voices yourself?" she asked.

"I can ignore them."

"Can you?" she asked. "I never could."

"Nor could I," Nori added.

"I could remind myself they lied," Malora said, "but that's not the same thing. What are they telling you right now, Beria?"

"I don't know. I'm not listening."

"Aren't you?" she asked. "There isn't a portion of your mind that's listening? Mine like to tell me Maya doesn't love me. They like to remind me I won't survive my next challenge."

"I'll kill anyone who challenges you!" I screamed.

She paused. "Thank you, but that's not the point. I have some that like to remind me of every mistake I've made.  They're very insidious. They also like to question decisions I am considering or have recently made. I have a few that try to convince me the people most loyal to me aren't loyal at all. For years, one of those told me Nori was just biding her time, that as soon as I got hurt she was going to challenge me."

"I have three that try to convince me to challenge her, even now," Nori said. "There are two more that recommend I murder everyone who might be a threat, either to me or to Malora. There are four or five that tell me Maya hates me for the way I took her from
Gallen's Cove. Those also tell me she and Rora are plotting against me. At one point or another, most of the voices tell me Rora is fooling around with someone else, with Malora and Maya being the most common choices. And, of course, they all take turns second-guessing my decisions. A few of them tell me I should just give up, that I'm getting old, and I should head east, wait for a portal to open, and offer myself to the next demon that appears."

"I have those, too," Malora said. "Not that they get much chance to say a thing lately." She smiled briefly at Maya. She turned back to me. "Tell me, Beria, you don't have any voices like these?"

"If you can handle it, I can," I said.

"But Beria," Malora said. "I can't."

"Neither can I," Nori said.

"You went years without a companion," I told her.
"And Maya told me you did, too, Queen Malora."

"Yes, and the way Maya was taken from
Gallen's Cove was a partial result," Malora said.

"And I had
your sister," Nori added.

"Not at night."

"No, not at night," she agreed. "It wasn't by choice, and I would find your sister before making important decisions. You came back to this hut with the voices after you, knowing it was going to be a difficult discussion. I wouldn't have done that, because I know I wouldn't be thinking clearly if I did."

"What are they telling you, Beria?" Malora asked.

"I told you, I'm not listening to them. If I needed a companion so badly, why did you send me to Rora instead of letting me see Maya? If I'm being so unreasonable, why is she over there instead of helping me?"

"I thought you didn't need anyone's help," Malora said.

I looked away. "So I'm supposed to answer your questions, but you refuse to answer mine. Again."

"What I really wanted was to watch you ask Rora for help," Malora said. "I didn't think you would. It didn't occur to me you wouldn't accept the help that was offered."

"What's the point?" I asked. "They'll just be after me again."

"What are they telling you?" Malora asked.

"You already know what they're saying!" I said. "The same kinds of things they tell both of you. But I'm not holding as many as either of you. If you can handle the numbers you have, I can handle the ones I have."

"What are they telling you?"

"What does it matter?"

"Beria," Malora said. "What are they telling you?"

"Fine!" I spat. "The first one goes on and on about how Mama was raped, and when he was done, he raped Maya too. That one is amazingly repetitious; the only thing that changes are the details he shares."

"All lies," Maya said.

"I know that," I said. "And if that one is lying, so are the rest."

"Are they?" Malora asked. "What else are they saying?"

"The usual."

"Tell me, Beria," Malora said. "I am not impressed by your refusal to answer my questions."

"Several tell me you made me a village chief to get me out of Queen's Town, with a variety of reasons why, most of which have to do with jealousy over my relationship with Maya. Others tell me Maya lured me here knowing I'd be suffering from the voices, that it was all a careful plot between the three of you and Omie. Most of them, at one time or another, tell me Omie never loved me and was grateful when I became a warrior. Sometimes they tell me she engineered it to get rid of me. When they aren't telling me that, they're reminding how much I loved her but that I can never have her again. They also love telling me I'll be alone for the rest of my life."

I
wound down.

"What else?" Malora asked when I paused.

"I don't want to talk about it." Even I knew it came out as if from a petulant child.

"What else?"

"They like suggesting I challenge you! Is that what you wanted to hear? I wouldn't. You know I wouldn't. I wouldn't! I could never be the queen you are. At night, they plague me with dreams where I'm standing over your body. Sometimes in the dreams I kill Maya, too. Sometimes Nori. Sometimes Omie. Actually, they love that dream. In that dream, they turn her into a companion herself, right before she dies, and I can hold her for just an instant before she dies. And I know I've killed her and I'll never hold her again. Oh, they love reminding me I'll never hold her again."

"Oh honey," Maya said.

"What do they tell you about Lia?" Malora asked.

"Isn't that enough?" I asked.

"What do they tell you about Lia?"

"I'm sure you can guess," I said.

"Tell me."

"The most popular choice seems to be reminding me she's not Omie, she'll never be Omie, that I'll never love her like I loved Omie, that she'll never love me at all. They also like belittling me if I grow dependent on the comfort she gives. They try to make me jealous of her children."

They let me sit for a moment before Malora asked, "And what are they all saying now?"

"Oh, they're having a great time," I said. "I'm listening to details of how my mother was raped, and how she has always hated me as the child of that rape. That one never gets tired of describing it. Most of the rest are full of suggestions how I could end this conversation. It's rare that they agree on anything, but they seem to agree on this. But the suggestions are coming from demons, so I know what a bad idea it is."

"They're telling you to challenge me?"

"I wouldn't!"

"I know. Beria, why are you putting up with this when you don't have to?"

"Because they just come back! If I'd let Rora still them, they'd grow quieter, but it's not like they're actually quiet. I can still hear them, muttering along in the background. I hate the whispering. And as soon as this conversation grew tense, they'd ambush me. At least this way I can try to ignore them."

I was angry. I never talked about this. It only encouraged the demons, and they were practically screaming at me now, laughing in my head as they tormented me.

"I've answered your questions, Queen Malora. May I please return to Lake Juna?"

"No. We haven't had the conversation we were supposed to be having right now, and that conversation is important. But you're in no condition to have it. I want to know what you intend to do about that."

"Why does it have to be tonight?"

"Because if I order you to come with us for the recruiting trip, I don't want to wait," Malora replied.

"Why would you order me to come?"

"Because in my opinion, you need a companion."

"Every warrior without a companion nee
ds one. Why am I suddenly in more need than anyone else?"

"Who said it was sudden?"

I glared at her.

"Beria, as angry as we are with each other right now, I need you, and I need you in top condition. You are not taking care of this, and so I am forced to."

"I didn't realize I was disappointing you, Queen Malora," I replied.

"Until tonight, you weren't, and I'm starting to get enough of a picture that when you finally apologize, I'll accept. I might not even dunk you in a barrel of purple dye before forgiving you."

It was perhaps meant as a joke, but it didn't go over very well. I turned away and crossed my arms again, trying hard not to respond. She let me simmer for a while.

"Beria, what are you going to do to calm down?"

"I don't believe Rora is interested in helping me right now. I was perhaps a little rude."

"I am fairly certain she would forgive you," Nori said. "There are other choices."

"The only other companion here I'd turn to is my sister, and I have the impression I shouldn't ask."

"No," Malora said. "If we get through our conversation later, and you aren't purple, then you may ask. She won't be offering. If you want her comfort, you are going to have to ask."

"Is that a new, permanent rule?"

"If your attitude doesn't amend itself, it is," Malora spat. "Go do what I told you to do a half hour ago. Now."

"It won't be enough," I said. I looked up at her. "I'd have to be far more intimate with her than would be remotely reasonable."

"Go calm down as much as you can," Malora said.

I rose to my feet. "Fine. Queen Malora."

I got halfway to the door and stopped. I didn't turn around, but I said, "Nori, may I ask your companion to quiet my demons?"

"Yes, Beria," she replied.

"Thank you."

I stomped across the village, checking first in the dining hall. Rora wasn't there. I walked to Nori's hut and knocked, but there was no answer.

Great.

I went door to door. "Does anyone know where Rora is?" I finally found her in Vorine's hut with Bea, Vorine, and their companions. They invited me to enter.

"Rora," I said, "May I speak with you?"

"Sure," she said. She didn't get up.

"Alone?"

"I don't think so. You can say whatever you came to say."

I stared at her. She didn't glare back, but her expression wasn't friendly, either. There was no way I was going back to Malora's hut in the shape I was in, and it didn't look like I'd come to the right place to fix it, either. I stared at her, not sure what to do.

"Please, Rora," I said, "I would like to speak privately with you."

"There's nothing you're going to say to me you can't say in front of my friends," she said.

I looked around the room. If it were just Bea and Vorine, I probably could have handled it, but I wasn't about to grovel in front of their companions, too.

"Fine," I said. "I'll catch you next time I'm in town." I turned on my heels and was halfway to the door before Bea ran past me and blocked the door.

"Bea-"

"What are you going to do, Beria?" she asked. "Are you going to go back to Malora like this? We didn't hear everything that went on, but we heard enough. Or are you going to hop on your horse and ride out of town instead?"

"I don't see how it's your concern, Bea," I said. "Please get out of my way."

"Just tell Rora what you came to say, Beria. Two words. How hard can it be?"

"If she were willing to listen to only two words, she'd be willing to listen to a lot more than that spoken somewhat more privately."

"How do you know what I'm willing to listen to?" Rora asked from behind me.

"Why is it make everything hard for Beria night?" I asked.

"I think," Bea said, "that you brought some of it on yourself."

"Well," I said, "You're entitled to that opinion. Will you please move out of the way? I don't believe the evening will improve for any of us if I decide to make you."

"So that's your answer?" Bea asked. "Is that going to be your answer to everything? When someone won't do what you want, you'll force her to?"

"I've never forced anyone!"

"Then why are you threatening to now? Beria, if you leave, what are you going to do? Give me one result that is better than swallowing your pride. Just one, and I'll get out of your way."

The voices, as if it were possible, grew even louder. Several of them wanted me to draw steel on Beria. Others thought that was a grand idea but wondered why I would stop at Beria. I could kill all the warriors then claim the companions for my own. A few of them wanted me to kill Rora, too, for putting me in this position, and Malora while I was at it.

"And then you can have your sister," said that first voice. "Imagine the things you could do to her."

"Stop it!" I screamed, clutching my head. "Shut up!" I bent over double, screaming at the voices to shut up.

A moment later, Rora was there, not comforting me, but her hands were on my shoulders, lifting me to stand, facing her.