Amazon Chief (19 page)

"She has hands. And. Um. She can do other things."

"Like what?" I tried to hide the smile. My sister was still blushing.

"Beria..."

"Maya, who else am I supposed to ask?"

"Honey, you're too young."

"I'm too young to do. I'm not too young to wonder. Or maybe you think I should experiment with Neela. I think she likes me."

"No!" Maya said. "Um."

"I'm teasing," I said. "But Neela is pretty cute."

"Please don't tease about that. Both your warriors would be very upset."

"Omie doesn't think of me like that."

Maya didn't respond to that.

"Does she?" I added.

"Honestly," she said. "I don't know. But I know she won't act on it, even if she does."

"Is that because you'd kill her?"

She laughed. "No. It's because you're too young."

"The girls at school were talking about kissing boys. I know Careen was kissing boys as many as three years ago. I saw her once."

"Yes, but they weren't kissing the boys with whom they shared a bed."

"Oh," I said. "I suppose that makes a difference."

"A big difference."

I thought about it. "I still want to know what it's like."

She looked away. "I can't believe you're asking me about this, Beria."

"I could ask Malora instead."

"No!" she said.

"She's old enough to be my mother. I should be having this conversation with my mother, but I'm not sure she could answer. So Malora is kind of like my mother now, isn't she? She acts like a mother to all of us."

"You are not asking my lover what it's like to make love to me, Beria!"

"Fine," I said. "If you won't let me ask her, and you won't tell me, and you don't think I should ask Omie, and you don't think Neela and I should spend some quality time together, who do you think I should ask?"

"You're too young!"

"Fine," I said after a minute. "I'll ask Nori."

"No!" she said again.

"Is that the only word you know?"

She stared at me and, after a moment, laughed. "I used to ask you that."

"I remember. Come on, Maya, either tell me who you think I should talk to, or talk to me yourself."

She sighed. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"Is it, um, messy?"

She laughed. "A little, but probably not as messy as with a guy. I taught you enough in school for you to understand why."

"Eww. Gross."

"Yeah, a little."

"Does it hurt?"

"No. Well, sometimes Malora and I roughhouse, but that's different. And, um, the first time. We sort of stayed up most of the night, and we both walked a little funny the next day. The worst part was, it was the night before we were going on my first patrol."

"So you had to sit a saddle all day."

"Yeah."

"I bet that was fun."

"Honestly? I was in such bliss I didn't really notice." She looked down. "That was the trip where I met the demon."

"Oh. But now? How often do you, um?"

"Oh, so I'm supposed to talk about it, but you can't even ask properly?" she said, grinning.

"You know what I'm asking," I said.

"Several times a week, and sometimes several times in a night."

"Really? You can do that?"

"Remember the story about being up half the night?"

"I used to hear Mom and Dad. They didn't stay up half the night."

"Talking about Mom and Dad having sex is just a little further than I'm willing to discuss, Little Sister. That's just gross."

I laughed. "I supposed it is. Between you and Malora, who started it?"

"I did. But you remember, I came here under far different circumstances than you did."

"I remember," I said in a small voice. "That sort of dominates everything, doesn't it, the way you were brought here."

"Yes," she said. "Less and less every day, but everyone will always remember I arrived bound hand and foot, berating everyone involved at every opportunity I had. I've forgiven Nori, but I'll never forget, and sometimes when Malora and I are fighting, it's hard not to throw it in her face." She paused. "Are we done with this conversation yet?"

"Did you start with kissing, or did you just go straight to, um, you know?"

"I was already in love with her, and she treated me like a lover treats a lover, but we weren't kissing that way."

"If I want to kiss someone-"

"Who?"

"No one in specific, just if I want to have someone to kiss-"

"Your choice is Omie, and she won't touch you. You're too young."

"So you were serious when you said I shouldn't get together with Neela."

"Is that a serious question? Are you sweet on Neela?"

"She's nice, but I'm using her as an example. No, I haven't been thinking about Neela that way."

"Well, yes, I was serious. I'm sure that happens. I'm sure it happens that a companion falls in love with a warrior other than her own. I haven't been here long enough to know what happens after that. Beria, the warriors cannot have that kind of relationship with each other, and they are exceedingly possessive towards their companions."

"Okay," I said. "I just wanted to understand."

"We're not boys with no self-control," Maya said. "Now, I'm sure you'll have more questions, and I guess you should come to me with them. But I think this is enough for today. I don't think I can handle any more."

I grinned at her. "All right. Thank you, Maya."

"You're welcome, I guess. Come on. Let's go decorate our huts, and maybe you can weave some of those flowers into Omie's hair."

"Too bad Malora's is so short.
"

"I'll make a small garland for her, but I doubt she'll wear it," Maya said.

Together, we returned to the village. From her reaction, I would say Malora liked how Maya looked.

When Omie saw me, she smiled.
"I wondered where you went," she said.

I turned a slow circle for her. "Do you like?"

"Yes," she said. "You look very pretty."

"Not much like a warrior?"

"Warriors can look pretty," she said.

"Good, because I have some for your hair. Will you let me weave them in?"

"I'd like that," she replied.

And so, I weaved flowers into her hair. She thanked me, and we sat together, Omie touching me for comfort. But I couldn't tell if she thought about me the way Malora thought about Maya. And maybe Maya thought I was too young, but that didn't stop me from wanting something.

I wanted someone to want me the way Malora wanted Maya.

Later, when we were in bed together, Omie's arms around me, I told her, "I talked about something with Maya today."

"Oh?"

"I asked her about love between two women."

Omie stiffened, but didn't answer.

I rolled over to face her. "Will you kiss me?"

"No!"

The light was dim, but I could see her expression.

"You don't want me?"

"Beria, you're way too young. Please don't talk about this."

"I'm too young for you."

"You're too young for anyone," she said.

"Neela and I are almost the same age," I said. "Would you be angry if she kissed me?"

"Has she? Tell the truth."

"No, Omie. But would you be angry if she did? Or if I kissed her?"

She rolled away from me, not answering.

"Truth, Omie."

"I don't want to talk about this," she said.

"Tell me the truth, and I won't say another word about it."

She rolled onto her other side, curling into a ball.

"Do you love me?"

"Beria, please."

"Do you?"

"Yes," she said quietly.

"Do you love me like Malora loves Maya?"

"You said if I answered, you'd drop it."

"Do you?"

She rolled back to face me. "Face the other way," she ordered. "That's an order, Beria."

I grumped, but I rolled over.

"May I hold you?" she asked gently, "or are you too angry at me."

"I'm not angry. You can hold me."

She slipped her arms around me, cuddling against me. "Listen carefully, because we aren't having this conversation again."

"Fine," I said.

"You're too young for me to think about like that."

"I won't always be."

"No, you won't, and maybe after you turn sixteen, we'll talk again, but you're only fourteen."

"Almost fifteen."

"Almost fifteen is not sixteen."

"Fine," I said. "But I'm not a kid."

"No, you're in between.
So I am going to talk, and you are going to listen."

"Fine," I said again.

"I was fourteen when I became an Amazon. Benala was my warrior. I was her first companion, and she was about as old as your sister is now. And I was fifteen when I asked her the kinds of questions you're asking me, and I began asking them after I saw the way Vorine and Ree behaved together."

I didn't respond, and after a moment, she continued. "She answered me about the same way I tried to answer you. And I was a lot less pushy about it than you were, but it was hard for me not understanding, and so I'm trying to answer you."

She let me think about that.

"Why is it so hard?"

"I don't know, but it is," she said. "Beria, when you first came to me, my heart was still breaking from Benala. Two warriors can't share each other like that anymore. We tried, but it was horrible, and it broke both our hearts. That's part of the reason why Benala and Ree left. Their hearts hurt, too, seeing Vorine and me, but knowing we could no longer have what we had. I will always love Benala, and I believe she will always love me. Or at least I like to think so. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "I guess."

"It's easier now that she's gone, but I'm still not fully healed from her."

"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right," she said.

"So you don't love me like you loved Benala."

"No. I love you like I love you."

I didn't understand.

"But you're fourteen. And I remember what it was like to be fourteen-almost-fifteen. It wasn't so long ago for me. I remember thinking I was an adult. But when I was sixteen, I looked back at Bea, who was fourteen and a new companion, and I thought, 'she is such a kid'."

"You see me as a kid?"

"I have better perspective now," she said. "But if you think about it, twenty isn't very old, either. Imagine how Maya sees me. Imagine how Nori and Malora see me."

"I guess." But my heart was breaking. I wanted someone to love me. Love me, love me. And I thought I wanted it to be Omie.

I realized I loved her.

I started crying.

"Oh Beria," she said. "Shhh. I'm not done. Please, let me finish. Please don't cry."

"I'm just a kid," I said. "And no one is ever going to love me." I started sobbing. "You didn't tell me about this part! I told you to tell me why I shouldn't come, and you didn't tell me no one was going to love me!"

"Oh honey, shhh. Shhh..." She held me more tightly. She kissed the back of my neck and tried to soothe me. "Please, Beria. You don't understand yet."

"I do," I wailed. "You don't want me. But you won't let anyone else want me, either."

"Beria," she said. "What you do for me, it's better than a love potion."

I stilled.

"Don't you listen when I thank you? Don't you pay attention when I can't stop touching you? Don't you hear me sigh when I press against you at night? But Beria, you are too young for those kinds of touches. You're almost a woman. But almost isn't close enough."

"I won't always be too young."

"No, you won't. But for another year and four months, you are. And after that, who knows? For now, you need to think of me like your big sister, and I think of you as my little sister. And maybe we'll both become so used to thinking of each other that way, that's all we'll ever see."

"Or maybe you'll see me like Malora sees Maya."

"And maybe you'll see me like Maya sees Ralla."

"Maya and Ralla?"

She laughed. "No. And that was my point."

"Oh. I might not want you that way."

"Right. Beria, I still miss Benala. And there's something else you need to think about."

"What?" I asked, sniffling.

"We can always be sisters, Beria. But you're going to be a warrior someday, and once you're a warrior, we cannot be lovers. If we become lovers, someday there will be a great deal of heartache. And right now, that seems like a long way away, but trust me, it is going to come far too quickly. At almost fifteen, even a year or two seems like a long time, but the time passes before you realize."