Alyssa's Desire (17 page)

Chapter Seventeen: Bittersweet

    Alyssa was still struggling with the embarrassment of being caught in a precarious position with Jack at their office. She had not wanted to talk to him or anyone else and so she had unplugged her house phone and turned off her cell. Then she spent the next three days just wallowing in her own self-pity. Her thoughts juggled between a deep desire to be with Jack regardless of the consequences and an unrelenting guilt about putting him in a position where he could lose everything that he worked so hard for. She felt that getting caught was her fault because she had shared her fantasy of having office sex. Her words, her actions led to the potential destruction of Jack's career and his reputation. How could she face him now? On the other hand, how could
she leave him and add breaking his heart to list of things she had already done.

   
Needless to say during this time Jack had left tons of messages for Alyssa. Each one was more desperate and more pleading than the previous one. More than anything Jack wanted to convince Alyssa not to end their relationship, and that the pain of potentially losing her far outweighed his other problems. Alyssa had not received any of these messages because she was downright afraid to listen to them. Hearing his voice was just too much for her to handle, so she had kept her phone turned off.

   
Jack messages were not the only ones that she had missed. The warden had called her fourteen times trying to inform her of her mother's death. When he was unable to reach Alyssa by phone, he sent two police officers to Alyssa's home to give her the tragic news. Alyssa heard the knocking through her sleep. She pulled the blanket over her head, hoping against hope that it would stop and that whoever was there would just go away and leave her alone. The knock came again, and this time someone shouted "Police!"

    Alyssa's eyes dilated with fear. Why were the police knocking on her door? Had she done something wrong and not realized it? Perhaps they thought she was guilty of a crime that she did not commit. Alyssa nervously opened the door a crack and asked to see some identification. Both officers held up their badges for her to see. Alyssa removed the chain to open the door all the way. She looked terrible and the two officers noticed her disheveled appearance. Her hair was all knotted up. Black streaks of tear induced mascara runs
were stained on her cheeks. Her eyes were red and puffy from nonstop crying and her clothes were filthy and wrinkled as she hadn't changed them or showered in three days. Based on her clearly distraught appearance, one of the officers thought she probably already knew about her mother.

    "Alyssa Snyder?" he asked as Alyssa removed the chain and opened her door.

    "Yes, how can I help you?" Alyssa responded in a tone that seemed awkwardly professional in comparison to how she looked.

    "Ma'am, Warden Bimmes from the New York State Women's Correctional Facility has asked us to come and speak with you. May we come in?"

    Alyssa stepped aside and allowed the officers to enter her home. Embarrassment and shame washed over her as they stepped inside because she had not cleaned in days. Dishes were piled in the sink and items were left strung about. The worst part was her couch because she had been sleeping there. Blankets and pillows were piled on the sofa. A small garbage can was placed in front of the couch and it was over flowing with used tissues. 

    "I apologize for the mess. I haven't been feeling well," said Alyssa apologetically.

    "That's quite alright, Ma'am. We apologize for showing up unannounced. We made several attempts to contact you by phone but we were unsuccessful. We need to talk to you about your mother. Can we sit down?"

    Alyssa quickly cleared away the blankets and tissues and made a place for the officers to sit. They indicated
that she should take a seat as well. She apologized for not answering her phones. She told them that she had been ill and that she had shut them off so she could rest without being disturbed. Both officers told her that it was not a problem. They seemed to be avoiding the reason for their visit, so Alyssa once again asked them what it was about. The one officer leaned forward in his seat and he regarded Alyssa with a sorrowful look in his eyes and a solemn tone to his voice.

 
"I am truly sorry to tell you this, but your mother was found dead in one of the restrooms yesterday morning," he spoke with sadness as it pained him to deliver that kind of news to anyone.

   "Wait, what?" Alyssa asked. Although she had heard the words clearly, her mind struggled to process the information.

    "It looks like she managed to smuggle in some narcotics. Her official cause of death was an overdose of heroin," he said. The officers then proceeded to offer their condolences.

   "No, no!" Alyssa yelled and then she got up and started pacing back and forth. Tears poured from her eyes and a silent scream overtook her airway that lead into a prolonged sob. The two officers shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

   "Is there anything we can do?" the one police man offered.

   "Please leave. I just….I just need to be alone right now," Alyssa said through mournful tears. The officers offered their sincere apologies and then they let
themselves out of Alyssa's apartment. Alyssa didn't know what to do. She had no idea how to process this. Her mother was the only family that she had and now she was gone. Alyssa needed someone to talk to. She picked up her cell phone and discovered that she have seventy-six unheard messages. About twenty of them were from the warden. She deleted them without listening. Her heart just couldn't take hearing the news again. The rest of the messages were from Jack, pleading with her to stay with him and to call him back. Alyssa tearfully dialed Jack's number even though she knew that he was at work. It immediately went to voice mail. Alyssa figured he must be in court because that was the only time that he shut his phone off.  She left a hysterical message on his voice mail.

    "Jack it's me. Oh my God, my mom is dead! They found her body yesterday. Oh please call me back when you can. I really need you. I'm sorry about everything
else. I'm just sorry and I love you," Alyssa hung up the phone and then the reality of the situation really hit her. Perhaps it was saying the words out loud, but Alyssa finally realized that the awful news was true. She broke down and cried so hard that she felt like her head was going to explode. About twenty minutes later there was a knock on her door. It was the building manager yelling at Alyssa to open up. She made her way to the door and she opened it up. Her face was red with tears streaming down her face and snot dripping from her nose. The building manager didn't know what to say when he saw her.

  
"Miss Snyder we had a complaint of noise coming from your apartment. Someone said it sounding like screaming. Are you okay?" he asked with a concerned tone.

    "I just found out that my mom died. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb anyone," Alyssa said as she was trying to stifle her crying.

   "Don't worry about it. I'm truly sorry for your loss," he said and then he walked away. Alyssa closed the door but she heard him yell at someone in the hall. It sounded like he said, "Her mother just died and she's upset. So have a little fucking compassion!"

   Alyssa closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. She felt bad that her crying had been loud enough to bother her neighbor, but she was also pissed off that they had the audacity to complain about it. If she heard someone crying like that she wouldn't try to get them in trouble on top of whatever else was happening in their life. She knew who it was too. The old woman who lived next door was constantly complaining that her
television was too loud or her music was too loud.
Stupid bitch, Alyssa thought bitterly.
Her angry thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. Alyssa looked at the number and was so relieved to see that it was Jack's number.

   "Jack?"
she answered sorrowfully.

  
"Oh my God, Baby. What happened?"

 
"They said…they said that somehow she got heroin and that she overdosed. They found her dead in the bathroom!" Alyssa started to cry once more. She tried her best to control it so that she wasn't too loud on the phone or for her nosy ass neighbor.

    "Oh God," Jack said in response. "Baby listen, I have to go back to court in an hour. I have to be there but as soon as it is done I will come over to your house. I'm
sorry that I can't come right now, but I will be there just as soon as I can, okay?"

   "Okay. Thank you. I really need you," Alyssa said sorrowfully.

   "As soon as I can, I promise. I love you."

   "I love you, too," said Alyssa as she hung up the phone. Alyssa was so grateful that Jack was coming over. She desperately wished that he was able to leave sooner, but her house was a real mess. She really didn't want him to see her snot covered tissues and filthy dishes. So she made herself get up and clean her apartment. It was really hard though. She wanted to just sit and cry some more and to have some time to mourn properly but she had already been so embarrassed when the police had seen her mess. She didn't need the added stress of Jack seeing it too. After she was done cleaning
the kitchen and living room she went to tidy up the bathroom. She was horrified when she got a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She had never looked that bad before. Alyssa hurried to finish cleaning her apartment and then she jumped into the shower. She knew she would still be a wreck by the time Jack got there, but at least she could clean herself and her home up a bit first. When Alyssa was done with her shower, she put on clean clothes and she even brushed her hair and her teeth and she put on a little makeup. She avoided the use of any mascara or eye liner though. She knew that she would end up crying again and that it would just run all over her face if she used it. She did however make it a point to try and cover up her dark circles and puffy eyes with some foundation.

    When she was satisfied that she had cleaned up the best she could, she sat down at the chair in her dining room and she stared mindlessly out the window. It was the same window that Trevor's friends had attacked with rocks and bottles. Alyssa hadn't gone near it since that incident, but today she didn't even think about that. Her thoughts were only on her mother. She closed her eyes and prayed silently, asking God to forgive her mother's sins and grant her passage to heaven. Maybe through the mercy of God, Valerie could find peace in death. She deserved that seeing as how she never had peace in her life. Alyssa's prayers were interrupted by a knock on her door.

    Alyssa flung her arms around Jack when she saw him and the tears started once again. She knew she couldn't control her emotions. There was so much pain between what had happened with her and Jack and now with her mother's passing, it was simply too much. She buried her face in Jack's chest and she just sobbed. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. He kept whispering how sorry he was and he kissed her on the top of her head. They stood like that for several long minutes. Jack wasn't even fully in the apartment. They stood in her doorway with Jack still half way out in the hall. Then Jack noticed that an angry looking old woman was staring at them from the door of the apartment next door. She stood there with pursed lips, giving them the evil eye, her hands placed on her hips in a gesture of disgust.

   "Maybe we should go inside," Jack suggested. Alyssa nodded and she invited him inside. She was completely oblivious to her neighbor's presence. That was probably
a good thing considering how angry she was that the old bitty had to start with her earlier that day.

    For a long time Jack and Alyssa just sat together, holding each other while Alyssa cried. Then finally Alyssa excused herself to go the bathroom to wash her face. When she came back, she offered Jack a drink. He smiled and nodded at her. She poured them both some scotch and then she sat down next to him.

    "I'm really sorry that I didn't call you. I've been really struggling with what happened. On one hand I love you so much that I would do anything to be with you and on the other hand my passion for you put you in a position where you could lose everything. Your job, your reputation, your relationship with your father, it's all at risk because of me," Alyssa said, trying to be as calm and clear as she could manage through the multitude of emotions that she was feeling.

    "Alyssa, even if I were to lose all of that stuff it wouldn't matter if I could just be with you. But the idea of losing you, that thought hurts so m
uch more! The truth is I wouldn't even care if people found out about our relationship, despite the consequences. I hate having to lie and sneak around to be with the woman I love. I'd much rather have you by my side. Besides Julie Carmen hasn't said a word to anybody about walking in on us anyway," Jack said in an effort to reassure Alyssa that their secret had not been compromised. 

    "Did you
have to pay her to keep quiet?" Alyssa asked.

   "Well yeah
, but as long as she keeps to the deal, we are still okay. If she doesn't, then we will still be okay. Like I said, I just want to be with you and whatever else happens; we will just deal with it."

   Alyssa put her arms around Jack and she kissed him. Then she told him that she was happy that they were talking about it and that she was glad that they were still together. Jack agreed and
they cuddled for a while. Then Alyssa suggested that they order a pizza and a pay per view movie. She told Jack that she just needed to take her mind off of things for a bit. He agreed that it was a good idea and they selected a couple of comedies to watch. In between cuddling with Jack, watching movies and enjoying pizza and scotch, Alyssa was starting to feel a little better. At least she had stopped crying even though her heart still ached. About half way through the second movie she fell asleep in Jack's arms. He held her tightly while she rested; stroking her hair and whispering that he loved her. He hoped that she would find some solace in her dreams.