Always With You: Part One (3 page)

CHAPTER FIVE

Olivia

I
hear
Cash’s low voice much sooner than I expected and my heart stutters.  I raise my head from the pillow to hear him better.  That’s when I realize he’s not speaking to me.

“Wait for us at the bar,” he tells someone in a stilted tone.  Likely Sophie, if I had to guess.

Wait for us. 

Us.

That means she isn’t gone.  That means I won’t be able to avoid this like I’d wanted to. 

Some part of me, irrational though it is, was hoping that Cash would go outside, discover that this whole Isabella thing was a ruse, get angry and send them both packing.  Minutes later, he’d come back to bed, to
me,
and we could resume the relatively drama-free life we’ve been enjoying and focus on trying to get me pregnant.  That was the plan.  And I liked that plan.

But that was wishful thinking on my part, no doubt.

Something tells me that Sophie won’t be nearly that easy to get rid of.  Not that I should want to, really. I mean, if she’s the mother of Cash’s child then I should get used to seeing her on occasion, right?  I should want for them to get along for the sake of his daughter, right?

His daughter.

My heart breaks a little bit all over again.  Some woman…some random woman from Cash’s past, has waltzed right into our lives and given him the one thing that I can’t.  Without even trying.  Just like that.  So easy. Even if I am able to get pregnant eventually, this stranger will have stolen so much from us.  She’ll have given Cash so many firsts—his first child, his first daughter, the first person to call him “Daddy.”  Together, they’ll share a year of firsts of all sorts—first New Year, first Easter, first Independence Day, first birthday, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas.  Cash will be a father for the first time on all of those days.  And the mother of his child won’t be me.  And the child won’t be ours.  I don’t know how
not
to be devastated about that.  It’s the one thing that I wanted most to give him.  To share with him.  For us to do together. As husband and wife. Then as a mother and a father.

Nausea flourishes in my stomach like blooms of algae on a pond’s surface.  I feel sickly green from the inside out.

I’m lying on my side with my face turned into the pillow when I hear Cash quietly open the door and step inside.  Instantly, I feel his presence surround me. It’s like he changes the way the air moves, the way the sounds travel. My entire universe shifts on its axis when he’s near. It tilts in his direction, like he’s my sun. Because he is.  My world revolves around him. And his used to revolve around me. But now there are other planets in the rotation.  Foreign bodies in our solar system.  It’s not just Cash and me anymore.  And if this little girl really is his, it will never be just Cash and me ever again.  And that breaks my heart, too.

He sighs as he slides onto the mattress beside me, his hand finding its way to my hip as though it’s meant to be there, as though when he’s near, he has to be touching me.  I know what that feels like because I feel the same way around him.

“Is everything okay?” I ask hesitantly.

He scrubs his other hand over his face. It’s something he does when he’s agitated.  And I know he must be.  All this has to be weighing on him. 

“I don’t know.  I don’t know what the hell to think.  I only know that whatever this is, however this unfolds, I need you by my side.  We’re in this together.  Right?”

The way he said it—
Right?
—brings my protective instincts roaring to the surface.  Could it be that this big, strong, beautiful, capable man thinks that this could cause him to lose me?

The thought is ludicrous.  But so, so sweet I could cry.

I roll up onto my knees and take Cash’s face between my hands.  “We are in
everything
together. As long as you want me around, I’m here.  Right by your side.  Got it?”

I hold his sparkling black eyes as they search mine.  There’s a sadness in them that mirrors what’s in my heart.  “This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen,” he says softly.

My throat squeezes and my eyes burn.  “I know,” I manage to eke out.

“I don’t want you to think that because she’s an old friend, that because she says this little girl is mine, that it changes anything between us.”

“I won’t,” I assure him.  But I know I’ll have to remind myself of that fact a million times before this is over.

“Will you come out and talk to her with me?  The little girl is still asleep. I put her on the couch in the office.”

“Of course I will.  Just let me clean up a bit.”

I press my lips to his just before he pulls me into his arms for a bone-crushing hug. It’s as though he wants to imprint his body, his love, his certainty onto my skin in a permanent way.

“Take your time. I’ll wait,” he says when he releases me.  I get up and make my way slowly toward the bathroom.  Cash holds onto my hand and then my fingers, right down to the very tips, until I take the step that separates us completely.  The instant that small contact is broken, I feel bereft and oddly afraid, as though everything that was so solid two days ago is now as fragile as the most delicate of crystal.

I’m near tears again by the time I close the bathroom door. I go immediately to the sink to splash cold water on my face in hopes that
that woman
won’t see that I’m upset.  I can’t show the slightest weakness.  I get the feeling she’d exploit the hell out of it.  I have no reason to think that, of course. Other than my strong and instant dislike of her.  It’s not worth risking, though, so I’ll keep my strong face on, just in case.

When my hair is brushed, my teeth are brushed and I’m feeling a little less…off kilter, I rejoin my husband, who is pacing the room like a caged lion when I open the door.

I walk right over to him, lace my fingers through his and smile my biggest smile.

“Ready?”

He stares at me for a few seconds before he relents and returns my smile, jerking me roughly to him to plant a hard kiss on my mouth.  “You and that damn smile…”

He bends his head and nips the skin of my neck, sending a shower of chills raining down my chest and shoulders.

“Did you say we needed to leave this room? Because if you keep this up, we won’t be going anywhere,” I tell him, warmth coiling in my stomach.  No matter what else is going on, no matter how much drama and distress is swirling through our lives, we always have this.  Always.  A fire that can’t be extinguished.  A love that can’t be quenched.

“Shit,” I hear him grumble.  He releases me again, just as reluctantly as he did a few minutes ago, and he looks down into my face.  “Let’s get this over with.”

I take a deep breath, nod and hold on tight to his hand as he opens the door and pulls me out of our safe haven.

CHAPTER SIX

Cash

I
feel
protective of Olivia.  I mean, I always do, but it’s more pronounced now.  Like,
right now. 
At this moment, I feel the need to rescue her.  From my past, from the people in it, from the uncertainties of the future.

Part of me wants to turn around, scoop her up and carry her as far away from here as I can get her.  Only I can’t do that.  If Sophie is right, if this little girl is mine, I can’t just abandon her. I can’t just walk away.  She’s already been in this world and without a father for, what, nine years?  I don’t want to add even one more year to that number.

So here I go, walking into the stickiest of situations—trying to merge the past and the present, trying to integrate the woman from yesterday into my marriage of today.

I feel Olivia’s fingers tighten around mine when we round the corner to find Sophie sitting about halfway down the bar, on a stool, slumped over like she’s asleep.

I clear my throat and her head shoots up. When she locates us, her lips spread into a tentative smile.  She gets up and stands beside the stool until we reach her.  Her eyes are trained on Olivia.

“Do you mind if I say something first?” she asks, addressing my wife rather than me.

I glance down at Olivia.  Her beautiful face is calm, not one bit of her inner turmoil showing through her creamy skin.  “Of course not.”

Always kind. Always polite.  She’s too good for me.  But then again, I always knew that.

I pull her closer to my side and wind my arm around her waist.  A united front against…whatever.  Against
whom
ever.

“I want to apologize for my horrible timing last night.”  Sophie’s eyes fill with tears and her chin trembles.  I frown.  I wasn’t expecting this.  The Sophie I knew never apologized, never backed down, never cried.  She was the bravest person I knew back then, which was saying a lot. I guess we’ve both changed.  “I would never,
never
have done that had I known that Cash was married.  I didn’t think he was the marrying type, but I guess…  We all change.  Eventually. And I want you to know that I’m not here to cause trouble. I just want my little girl to know her father.  That’s all.”

Olivia says nothing, just keeps smiling.  I, however, feel no such need to hold my tongue.  “Why now?  Why the hell didn’t you come to me when you knew you were pregnant?”

“I…I knew you wouldn’t believe me.  And my father…well, you know how he was.”

“Was?”

She nods.  “He died in April.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah, Isabella and I are pretty much all each other has now.  Your mom was the mother I never had and I heard she…”

“Yeah, right after you left.”

“God, I hate I didn’t get to see her again.  To make things right.  She was so good to me.”

“She loved you like a daughter.  It broke her heart when you left.”

“If I could go back…do things differently…”  She stares up into my eyes for several long seconds, enough for me to see that she came here wanting more than just to introduce her daughter to me.  She came here
for me,
too.

“Things worked out for the best,” I say, smiling as I look down at Olivia, brushing my lips across her forehead.  She leans into me like she might fall over if I weren’t right beside her. I feel another surge of anger toward Sophie for doing this to us, to
her. 
Olivia doesn’t deserve this. She deserves only happiness.  And I know that none of this will make her happy.

“I, uh, I knew you’d want to know.  About Isabella, I mean.”

“Yeah. It would’ve been nice to know before now, though. I’ve missed half her damn childhood.  What the hell were you thinking, Soph?” I ask, rising temper causing my voice to rise.

“I was trying to make a life for myself in Canada.  Dad would hardly speak to me for months.  I dropped out of school. I was a kid having a kid. You can’t blame me for being stupid.”

“But why now? Why after all this time?”

“I…we…we need a new start.  After Dad…this was the only place that felt like home after he died.  I thought…I remembered the club.  And I knew about Greg…that you were running it now… I thought if you’d let me work a few shifts, just until I can get us settled, you could get to know your daughter.  Decide whether you want us around or not.”

Olivia stiffens beside me.

“Sophie, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

She bursts into tears.  “I-I-I was af-fraid you’d say that.  It’s just that…we don’t have anywhere else to go. I have no m-money,  no j-job.  And I don’t know how I’m supposed to take care of Isabella until I find something.  I just…I just…”  She covers her face with her hands and bawls while Olivia and I just stand here watching her. 

I feel my wife twitch once, twice and then, woman that she is, she steps forward to put her hand on Sophie’s shaking shoulder.  As if that was all the opening she needed, Sophie turns and throws her arms around Olivia and clings to her.

My eyes meet Olivia’s over Sophie’s head. In them is a mixture of helplessness, sympathy and a hollow sadness that makes my chest tight.  She’s the bigger person, the
better
person. That just makes me worry about her all the more. If Sophie is still the same woman I knew all those years ago, even deep down, this could spell trouble.  But what Sophie doesn’t realize is that I’m still enough the same man that if she backs me into a corner or hurts Olivia in any way, she won’t like what happens next.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Olivia

I
want
to believe that this woman is sincere. I want to believe that her motives are simple and pure, and that she only wants her child to know her father.  Since babies and motherhood have been at the forefront of my mind for a while now, I can understand that completely. It pains me to think of my own child being in that situation—homeless, fatherless, without the roots and ties of family.  I’d have been lost without my father.  He saved me from the influence of my mother, from the life that she’d have had me to live.  I can’t help wondering if this little girl needs saving from hers, too.  As much as I’d like to believe she selflessly wants what’s best for her child, the resentful parts of me are doubtful.

When she finally stops crying and pulls away, I’m grateful.  I’m feeling weak and emotional myself and she’s only making it worse.  I mean, I was drawn to give her comfort, but I wasn’t expecting…this, and I’m not entirely comfortable with it.  I don’t know this woman yet.  And I’m still not sure I want to.

The thing is, I don’t think I have a choice. At least not a good one.  Not one that wouldn’t put me at odds with my husband, and I would never do anything to push him away.  Even if it means letting his ex and their daughter into my life.

I swallow a lump of emotion and take a step away from her.  Her blue eyes are red-rimmed and swollen, and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days.

“I’m sorry.  I’m sure that’s the last thing you wanted or needed this morning.”  I try my smile again. It’s tremulous at best, but it seems to suffice as an answer.  “I’m just… stressed. It’s been a long couple of weeks and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since…I can’t even remember when.”

“Have you been sleeping in your car?” Cash asks, a razor edge to his tone.

Sophie has the good grace to blush.  “We stayed in a motel a few nights, but Izzy has really bad allergies and I think the industrial cleaners they use bother her.  She does much better in a car if she can’t be in a home.”

A terrible sinking sensation spreads through the pit of my stomach. It’s like a vacuum, threatening to suck me into the black hole developing at my center.  My knees feel weak with it. My heart feels heavy with it.

I know where this is going and I feel powerless to stop it.  This woman could be the mother of Cash’s child.  The little girl in the office could be Cash’s daughter.  How can I be the person to stand in the way of him helping them as much as possible? How can I be the person who is so insecure in her relationship with him that she demands he turn away his own flesh and blood simply because they make
me
uncomfortable?  How can I be that woman?

I can’t.

I just can’t.

No matter how much I don’t like it, no matter how much I wish Cash will turn out
not
to be the father, I can’t be the one who drives a wedge between them.  One day he would resent me for it. 
I
would resent me for it.  I don’t want to be petty and heartless.  I don’t want to be needy and weak.  I want to be strong, confident in Cash’s love.  Able to stand beside, come what may.  Even if that is an old love with a new child.

So I take the bold step.  I take control.  At least I’ll have that.

“You could stay at the condo,” I blurt. 

In my peripheral vision, I see Cash’s head whip toward me.  Whether in surprise or disapproval, I don’t know. I’m not looking at him. I’m looking at Sophie.

“I couldn’t do that.  Besides, I wouldn’t want to leave Isabella there unattended while I try to find a job.  And then while I have to work. If only it were closer…”

“What is it that you want, Sophie?” Cash asks, crossing his thick arms over his thicker chest.  I sneak a glance at him and he doesn’t look very happy.  “I’m not into games anymore.”

Sophie’s eyes dart from Cash to me and back again before she answers.  Although her voice is meek when she speaks, something about her posture tells me that she’s got a backbone of steel under there.  And if she does, how has she allowed herself to get into this position?  To what end?

I might never know, but it certainly looks like I’m going to have plenty of time to try and figure it out.  My fear, the one that has my stomach sinking all over again, is playing out in real life.  I can feel it before she even opens her mouth.  And when she does, my heart burns in my chest.

“Honestly, I was hoping that you’d let me pick up some shifts here and stay in the back until I can find something else for Isabella and me. Just for a few weeks.”

“That’s out —”

She interrupts Cash before he can even finish his thought, finish what sounded like a denial of her request.  “I’d know she was safe and I’d never be far.  And you, you’d be able to get to know your daughter with her right here.  We’d be so close.  It would be perfect, Cash.  Can’t you see that?”

She tips her head to the side and takes a step toward him. It’s my gasp—the gasp triggered by my imagination filling in all the blanks she’s leaving open—that stops her.  I see her sidelong glance in my direction and, for the first time since she walked into the club last night, I get a glimpse of what she wants.  What she
really
wants.

And it’s not just a bed and a job.

No, she wants much more than that.  And I’m the only thing standing in her way.