Always the Last to Know (Always the Bridesmaid) (24 page)

       Although I would love to know what she was talking about.  What pact is so sacred that would make Carla call Annie a nympho if she broke the rules?

       I mean, yeah, Annie is a total nympho, but still… it’s not nice to call someone that.

       By the time I conclude that Carla is crazy and am invested in a rerun of
The Nanny
, Carla reappears in the room with a stuffed envelope.  She plops down next to me on the couch and pulls out the contents of the envelope.  Money spills out all over the couch cushions.  Working in a bank, I conclude quickly that there’s easily four hundred dollars sitting on our fifty dollar couch.

        “Carla, what is going on?”

       But Carla is still not listening to me.  She’s looking at the few pages of yellow legal paper that came from the envelope.  It isn’t long before she grins.

        “The old tramp didn’t win after all.  Her month was June and since neither you nor Riley confessed your undying love for one another
to
one another that month, but in July, that means that,” she runs her finger down the piece of paper and frowns, “I didn’t win.”

        “Wait a second, Carla. . . you and Annie had a bet as to when I would fall in love with Riley?”

        “No, of course not.”  Carla laughs, “There are way more people involved in this bet than me and that old slut.”

       I just glare at her.

        “And the bet isn’t based on when you would fall in love with Riley.  It’s when you and Riley make it known to each other that you’re all in love and stuff.”  She turns the piece of paper she’s looking at over, “Now, if you guys have sex this month, then I will win one of the bets.”

        “There’s more than one set of bets?  And one of them is about when I’m going to do It with your brother?!”

       Carla looks at me now, not at all concerned that my eyes are bugging out of my head or that the vein in my forehead is throbbing at a frantic rate.

        “Who all placed bets on me?”  I manage to get out between clenched teeth.

        “Just a couple of people.”  She says innocently as she realizes that I don’t find this at all funny.

       I yank the pages away from her and look over the list.  Ms. Callahan, my dad, my mom - my own mother actually placed a bet on when I would have sex with her next door neighbor’s son?  So much for that ‘Mother of the Year’ award – Carla, Evan, Annie, the mailman, two of Riley’s uncles, my cousin Jaime
(and all this time I thought that she was the one member of my family that was normal, aside from the whole ‘driving a charter bus full of old people around the country for a career’ thing),
my forever sauced great aunt Milly, the woman at the bank who works the teller window
(how does she know about this?),
and Matt.

        “What was the deal with Matt then?  Why were you trying to set me up with him?”

        “To move things along with you and Riley.  Matt’s so nice that I knew you wouldn’t like him, and I knew that trying to set you up with him would make Riley jealous.  It was for your own good.”

       I somehow keep myself from growling at her.

        “How long has this been going on, Carla?”

       Carla is staring at her fingernails to try to avoid my glare, “What does it matter?  I mean, you’re in love with Riley.  This is fantastic news!”

        “Carla.”

        “Eight years.”

        “Eight years this has been going on?”

        “It was my dad’s brainchild.  It started out as a silly little joke but when the pool reached two hundred bucks a few years ago, things got a little more serious.  Everyone draws a month out of a hat and if there’s any months left over, anyone who wants to can bet more money and draw for another month.  It’s actually a pretty good system, really.”

       My family and friends are freaks of nature.  I mean, really.  Who does something like this?  And thinks that it’s a ‘pretty good system’?  Clearly I am the only sane person I know.

       And that’s saying something.

Thirteen

Saturday, July 4
^th

       Okay, so it’s a few hours until the wedding and I can’t find Riley.  It’s no big deal.  I mean, I just went to his house this morning during the manicure appointment I was able to cancel since I somehow refrained from chewing on my fake nails to go have sex with him and he wasn’t at the house.  Him not being there wasn’t a total loss; I done some testing and realized that I fit through his bedroom window, just in case I want to reenact the night of my senior prom, minus the whole psychological scarring caused by Cliff, of course.  During my entire trial run, Riley never came home.  And he’s not answering his phone now.

       Oh, and his sister is getting married today and he’s walking her down the aisle!

       But, it’s fine, really.  I mean, no one will notice that Riley is gone since the groom has gone totally AWOL.

       Seriously, Evan is gone.  I have no idea where he’s hiding at, neither does Matt nor any of the other groomsmen.  The groomsman and ushers have all been sent out to search for him.  Matt is staying here at the church to keep my sanity in check.

       But, since Matt has been chatting up the hair stylist for the past twenty minutes, my hold on sanity is rapidly fleeing me.

        “Jess?  You okay?”  Carla asks.

       I almost break down into tears.  Poor little Carla is sitting here in the church basement getting ready for what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life and her scum bag of a fiancé has ran away, leaving his love pregnant and alone.

       If I ever find Evan, I’ll kill him.

        “I’m fine.”  I try to say in a reassuring voice.  Carla doesn’t know that Evan is unaccounted for.  And I’m trying to make sure it stays that way until the last possible moment, like when the organist starts playing “Here Comes the Bride”.

       My squeaky voice seems to convince Carla well enough, and she goes back to talking to her mother about makeup.

       I look over at Matt who is laughing at something Brian, the hairstylist, just said.  He seems really happy and I hate to break that up but I need to make someone as annoyed and miserable as I feel right now.

        “Matt, can I have a word outside?  Please?”  I ask, grinding my teeth together before practically dragging him out of the basement.  Once we’re a fair distant away from the basement doors, I ask if he’s heard anything from Evan.

        “Nope.”  Matt says like it’s no big deal.  Yeah, it’s no big deal that the groom is M.I.A.  It’s also no big deal that we can’t find the man who is walking his sister down the aisle.  And, when Carla kills me dead, then I reckon that won’t be a big deal either.

        “Have you tried calling his cell phone again?”

        “Not since the last time you told me too.”

       My left eye twitches, “You do know that this wedding starts in less than three hours and we’re missing the groom, the bride’s brother, and the “just married” banner.”

        “It’s okay; I found some window chalk and went ahead and wrote ‘just married’ on the back window and decorated the rest of the car.”

        “What car?  Evan and Carla hired a horse-drawn carriage to take them from the church to the reception.  We were going to get someone to attach the banner to the carriage when it got here.”

        “Then whose car did I decorate?”

       I look around the parking lot and see a maroon colored car that looks similar to Carla’s.  It has hearts drawn everywhere and “honeymoon sex awaits” written on the passenger window.

        “That’s Father McCarthy’s car!”  I smack his arm.  “You wrote “honeymoon sex awaits” on the priest’s car!”

       Matt tries not to laugh but fails miserably.  He finally manages to snort out, “Just be glad I didn’t draw any of the sex positions from that
Cosmo
binder of yours.”

       I have seriously got to start hiding that thing.

       I see the humor in this, I really do, but I’ve been around Carla all morning and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to laugh at anything ever again.  Besides, I’m too concerned with the fact that there’s no groom for this wedding.  I narrow my eyes and just stare at Matt.

        “Fine, I’ll go wash it off.”

        “I’m more worried about Evan than I am about the car.  We need to find him first.”

        “Calm down, Jess.  You know that Evan’s never on time.  He’s probably just sitting at his apartment, watching some sport thing on ESPN.”

        “Sports?  He’s watching sports at a time like this?”  I shout as I call Riley’s phone again, “Your wedding day is no time to watch some stupid sports show on stupid ESPN!”

        “Woah, ESPN is not stupid.”  A voice says behind me.  I turn around to see Evan and Riley standing there in the church parking lot.  Evan looks pissed and Riley is turning off the ringer on his phone, but not before I hear the ringtone he has programmed for my number: “American Girl” by Tom Petty.  His favorite song is my own personal ringtone.

       But I’m still mad at him.

        “Where in the hell have you been?”  I walk up to them and point a finger from Riley to Evan.  I poke Evan in the chest with my finger multiple times for emphasis, “This is your wedding day and you were supposed to be in contact with Matt or me.  Answering your cell phone at least one of the forty-seven times I called you would have at least been helpful.  You better have a damn good reason for being this late.”

       Evan just looks down.  I made him feel bad, and you know what? I’m glad.

       One down, one to go.

       I move over to Riley and am prepared to yell at him, but he stops me before I can.

        “It’s my fault we’re late, Jess.  I took Evan out for lunch and we lost track of time.  And there was no reception at all in the restaurant.”  He gives me a quick wink.  There’s got to be more to the story.  If there isn’t, I’ll kill them all.

        “Okay, fine, whatever.”  I throw my hands in the air, annoyed.  “Evan, your tux is inside the church.  But first, you and Matt have to go wash Father McCarthy’s car.”

       As Matt and Evan head over to Father McCarthy’s car, no doubt questioning my sanity and humanity, I turn to Riley and am fully prepared to give him a verbal lashing but he puts his hands on my shoulders and starts to explain before I can even get a word out.

        “Evan tried to run.”

        “What?”  I shriek.

        “When we were moving your bed yesterday, he was talking stupid and I thought that he might try to leave.  So, I went to his apartment at the ass-crack of dawn and cornered him.  We ate some lunch and he realized that he’s a dumbass.”  Riley shrugs, “But he’s a dumbass that loves my sister.”

       I can’t believe Evan.  Why in the hell would he run out on Carla?  I know that she’s a little insane and controlling and everything, but Carla is an amazing person.  Evan is lucky to have her.  What a bastard.

        “He was just scared, Reynolds.  He’s going to be a husband and a father.  Wouldn’t you freak out?”

        “If I was going to be a husband and father?  Like, if I was a guy all of a sudden?”

        “You know what I mean.”

        “It was really sweet of you to help out.”  I smile at him.  “I think you like Evan.”  Riley grunts, not unlike Evan, at my comment, causing me to giggle.  “And, just out of curiosity, why is my ringtone “American Girl” on your phone?”

       Riley’s face turns a light shade of red and he looks down at the ground as he says the line, “God it’s so painful when something is so close but still so far out of reach.”  He looks back up at me, “Why do you think I like the song so much?”

        “Because of me?”

        “It’s all because of you, Jess.”  He takes a step closer to me and wraps an arm around my waist and leans in for a kiss.  He never gets to finish that kiss though because my mother has these Spiderman senses that let her know when is the best time to ruin her only child’s happiness, and she comes barreling out of the basement.

       I manage to separate myself from Riley before she sees anything resembling my contentment.

        “Jess, we need you in here for hair and makeup, now.”  Mom says with an edge in her voice, no doubt caused by being around Carla.  Her face brightens when she sees Riley.  “Hello Riley.  You and the boys are getting ready upstairs.”  Then she goes back to being Mr. Hyde when her eyes focus back on me, “Now, Jessica.”

        “Why is she so nice to you?”  I ask after she’s gone back inside.  I stare at the closed basement doors, “I mean, you’re the one trying so hard to get into her daughter’s pants.  You’re the creep, not me.”

        “You think so?”

       I turn back to Riley to confirm my beliefs, only to have my mouth fall open in shock.  He’s holding the horseshoe necklace that I saw in the store when we were looking for Carla’s wedding gift.

        “You’re right; I am a creep.”  Riley laughs and spins me around to put the necklace on my neck.  He swears as he fights with the clasp and, once it’s securely on, he kisses the base of my neck where the necklace lies, and I swear that kiss goes all the way down my spine.

        “I don’t know what to say.”  I face him again and his arm goes back around my waist like it was always supposed to be there.

        “That’s a first.”  He grins at me.  “I just, you know, thought you’d like it.”

       I fight tears because, really, this is one of the sweetest things that has ever happened to me.  And it’s not because it’s jewelry, I’m not the kind of girl.

       It’s because Riley loves me.

        “Thank you Riley.”  I say before I kiss him.              

***

        “You ready, Jess?”  Matt asks, holding out his

arm for me.

       I nod, “The sooner this is over, the sooner we can change out of these miserable outfits.”

        “I’m right behind you.”  Carla whispers violently while Riley chuckles at me.