Always on My Mind (20 page)

She’d closed her eyes halfway through this, and when she opened them, Jack had pulled on his jeans and shrugged into his shirt. “Rafe—”

“Oh no,” he said. “Hell no, babe. You’re not backing out. You set these plans in motion. You’re playing it cool, but I know you’re desperate. My favorite state. The tickets, Leah. Use them.” And then he disconnected.

Without a word, Jack headed to the door. Leah caught his arm. “Jack, wait.”

He paused. He hadn’t buttoned his shirt. His hair was tousled from her fingers. He looked big, bad, and ticked off. “Why?”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Really? Because I’m experiencing a painful déjà vu here, Leah. A minute ago you were telling me Lucky Harbor feels right. I think you were also telling me that I felt right.”

“Yes,” she said. “I was.”

He shook his head. “And yet you were planning to go. You wanted out before the next show aired.”

“I made that call to him weeks ago, Jack.”

“When?”

“I don’t know exactly.”

“Yes, you do,” he said. “
When
?”

She couldn’t tear her eyes off his. They were filled with things, things she’d dreamed of seeing from him, but she was blowing it faster than she could gulp in air.

Nothing new there.

“Before or after you told my mom we were together?” he asked.

She hesitated. “After.”

“Are you kidding me? The whole façade was your idea!”

“I know.” She paused again. “It’s not you, Jack. It’s me.”

He laughed harshly. “Oh, Christ. Really? You’re going to use the breakup line, Leah? The one
I
taught you? What’s next? You have to ‘work on yourself’?”

Her throat burned with shame and misery because it was true, it was happening, her biggest fear—screwing this up with him—was coming true right before her eyes. And the worst part? She’d done it all herself. “This time it’s actually true. I’m not good at this stuff. You know that.”

She could see that he wasn’t buying this. “You don’t have to be good at it, Leah. Jesus. Do you think I care what words you use to show me how you feel? I don’t need words. I have the actions. You watch out for me. You watch out for my mom. And my oversized, drool-manufacturing dog. You care so much about everyone else and their life, but when it comes to yours, you give up. I know your dad made you feel that you were never good enough, but he was a dick, Leah. And he’s gone, so why do you still let him do this to you, let his memory keep you from finishing…everything?”

“That’s not what I do.”

He ticked items off on his fingers. “Our relationship the first time, college—all four times—culinary school—”

“Okay,” she said tightly. “I get it. So I have a little follow-through problem.”

“Little?” He spun her around to face the steel refrigerator, where their reflections stared back at her. Her own face, pale, pinched with strain. And Jack’s, his expression serious, so deadly serious.

“Your parents didn’t deserve you,” he said, “but at some point you have to grow up and realize you’re not a product of your environment. You are who you want to be. You’re
you
, Leah. You’re a daughter. A friend. A lover. A sweet, warm, smart, beautiful, talented, successful pastry chef. You’re anything you want to be. Figure it out and then own it.”

She desperately searched her reflection for the woman he saw. “I don’t see me that way,” she whispered, throat tight.

“Why not?”

It was a most excellent question, one for which she did not have an answer.

“When do you leave exactly, Leah?”

“I don’t—I don’t know exactly.”

“You always know.”

Touché. “Soon,” she admitted.

He turned her to face him. “How soon? Truth, Leah.”

“Truth?” She forced the words out. “I should have left already.”

“Why haven’t you?”

“You know why.”

He shook his head. “Don’t. Don’t say you stayed here for me.”

She bit her tongue rather than say exactly that. And then she gave him the truth he wanted. “I’d planned to go before the finals.”

“Were you going to tell me?”

She wanted to turn away from the look in his eyes. The recriminations. The hurt. But she couldn’t tear her eyes from his. “I’m going because I need to. I want to finish school. I want to finish something to prove to myself that I can. I was going to tell you, yes, but I didn’t know how,” she managed.

He gave one curt nod and reached for the door.

She ran after him and slipped between him and the wood, arms spread as if she could really stop him if he chose to leave.

He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Move, Leah.”

“No.”

“Listen,” he said, a grim set to his mouth. “New rule.”

“Jack—”

“No big, drawn-out good-bye.” At the look on her face, he let out a long breath. “All my life, you’ve been my Almost.” He softened slightly, his gaze touching over the features of her face as if memorizing her. “I want you, Leah. I’ve always wanted you. But wanting isn’t enough. You have to fight for it too, and you’re not going to.”

“Jack—”

“I’m cutting my losses on this one, Leah. Pulling the plug. Call it another rule if you want. No more intimacy. I’m ending this now before either of us gets hurt.”

And then he gently set her aside, walked out the door, and was gone.

She stood there in shock. “How is walking away fighting for it?” she asked the night.

The night didn’t answer.

“Dammit.” She searched for her usual state of denial, for her temper, for anything that might allow her to rationalize what had just happened as not being her own fault.

Nothing came except pain.

And guilt.

And more pain.

There was no way around this. However it had happened, it had happened. And worse, for the first time in her life she hadn’t been the one to walk away. Jack had beaten her to the punch.

J
ack left the bakery, hitting the highway at one in the morning at speeds designed purely for adrenaline. He got halfway up to Beaut Point before he saw the red-and-blue lights whirling in his rearview mirror. “
Shit
.”

The cop turned out to be Sheriff Sawyer Thompson. Sawyer had been about five years ahead of Jack in school, but Sawyer’s wildness was still legendary. How the guy had ended up on the right side of the law was a mystery to Jack, but one thing about Sawyer—he didn’t sugarcoat anything.

“Christ, Harper, I clocked you at ninety-five.” The sheriff leaned in past Jack to pat Kevin on the head. “The paperwork’s going to piss me off.”

“So don’t do it.”

Looking disgusted, Sawyer went hands on hips. “I’m only out here tonight as second-string because the flu’s hit the station. I didn’t hear a fire call go out.”

“There isn’t a fire.” Except the one in his gut. “You could pretend you didn’t see me.”

“Or you could slow the fuck down.” A full moon was just peeking over the inky black silhouette of the Olympic peaks in front of them, and Sawyer gestured to it. “See what happens when you slow down? You get to enjoy shit.”

They both watched the moon. Kevin went back to sleep.

“Yeah, that’s real pretty,” Jack said after a minute or two. “We going to make out now?”

“Temperamental,” Sawyer noted. “And pissy too. You know what temperamental and pissy plus a lead-foot equals?
Sorry-ass dumped
.”

Jack slid farther down in his seat.

“Got it in one,” Sawyer said. Clearly enjoying himself now, he leaned against the truck like he had all night. “I haven’t been keeping up with your social calendar, Harper. Who dumped ya? That cute flight nurse? Or the teacher? Oh wait. I know. The cutie pastry chef who moons over you when you’re not looking.”

“Maybe I was the one who left.”

Sawyer nodded. “Good. Go with that. That bitchy ’tude works. So…who was it?”

Jack sighed.

“Aw, come on. You know how quiet it’s been tonight? I’m bored. Tell me, and maybe I won’t ticket you.”

“Just give me the fucking ticket.”

Sawyer grinned. “It’s the pastry chef. Right?” He pulled out his ticket pad and started writing.

“Hey. You said you wouldn’t give me a ticket.”

“I said
maybe
…”

Twenty minutes later, Jack was in possession of a speeding ticket to go along with his stupid broken heart. He pulled into his driveway, waited for Kevin to do his business, and then headed straight to the fridge for a beer.

He was on his second when Ben came in the back door. Without a word, he took the third and last beer in the fridge and tossed it back. Setting the empty down on the counter, he swiped his mouth and looked at Jack. “What are we drinking to?”

“Women. They suck.”

The smallest of smiles appeared on Ben’s mouth. “If they’re very bad they do. Or very good…”

“Why are you here?” Jack asked. “It’s two in the morning.”

Ben shrugged. “You seem like maybe someone kicked your puppy.”

From his huge bed in the corner of the kitchen, Kevin lifted his big head. “Woof.”

Jack craned his neck and stared at Ben. “You’re not that good. How did you hear?”

“Maybe I
am
that good.”

“No you’re not.”

Ben flashed a rare smile. “Okay, I’m not. Sawyer told his wife, Chloe, that he wrote you up, and Chloe happened to be at the Love Shack with her sisters, one of whom is friends with one of the ER nurses. Mallory. She’s married to Ty Garrison, who’s on flight care with…wait for it…Danica. It’s all on Facebook,” he explained.

Jack just stared at him. “It’s like a bad sitcom.”

“Except it’s your life.” Ben’s amusement faded. “You okay?”

“Is that concern or gruesome curiosity?”

“Definitely the latter.”

Jack swore and moved toward the door, but Ben shoulder-checked him. “Okay, Jesus. It’s concern. Put your vagina away.”

“Fuck you.”

“We’re related, so that’s illegal in most states.” Ben put his hand on Jack’s chest when Jack started to push past him. “So it’s true then? You and Leah? You’re done?”

“We were never
not
done.”

“Bullshit,” Ben said. “Admit that much at least. It was never a pretend game, and we both know it. What the hell happened?”

“She took a job with that asshole producer.”

“Rafe Vogel,” Ben said, and at Jack’s narrowed-eyed look, shrugged his shoulders. “So I like trash TV; sue me.”

“She’s going back to school in France, and it’s being filmed for a new show,” Jack said.

“Nice gig.”

He gave Ben a long look.

“And…I’m missing something,” Ben said. He thought for a moment. “When did she take it?”

“Shortly after telling my mom that we were dating.”

Ben let out a low whistle. “And you think she’s running.”

“Again. She’s running again.”

“Maybe she didn’t think she had an option.”

“There’s
always
an option.”

Ben studied him. “Oh Christ. She didn’t dump you.
You
dumped
her
. You love her and yet you dumped her.” He shook his head in disgust. “You sure have a God-given talent for pushing people who really care as far away from you as possible.”

“Yeah?” Jack asked, getting pissed off all over again. “Then why are
you
still here?”

“Because someone has to be in your corner, even when you’re being a complete dumbass.”

“Thanks.”

Ben clapped his shoulder. “Anytime.” He headed to the door.

“And I don’t love her.”

“Okay. But you totally do.”

Well, hell. It was shockingly, horrifyingly true.

Sleep didn’t come to Leah until somewhere just before dawn, when she was woken up by a call from Dee. “You okay?” Leah asked quickly, her heart racing, thoughts jumbled from both the lack of rest and being startled awake after what felt like only a few minutes of sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh sorry, honey. Did I wake you? I figured you got up at this time to get to the bakery.”

“It’s okay; I do need to get up.” She shoved a hand through her hair and sat up, flicking on the light. “What’s wrong? Are you—”

“I’m fine.”

“Jack—”

“Is fine too. Or so I assume,” Dee said. “You know what today is, right?”

The first day of the rest of her screwed-up life. “Uh…” She struggled to remember.

Dee laughed. “It’s Firefighter Car Wash Day.”

Firefighter Car Wash Day was practically a national holiday in Lucky Harbor. It occurred monthly during the summer and early fall and was more highly attended than the Fourth of July parade.

“I want to get my car washed,” Dee said. “But I’m not really okay to drive. I was hoping you’d drive my car to Jack for me.”

“You want to make Jack wash your car?”

“I want to contribute to the cause. If I tried to just hand him money to put into the till, he wouldn’t take it.”

This was undoubtedly true, but Leah wasn’t going to be high on the list of people Jack wanted to see today. She kept picturing the look on his face after Rafe’s call.

I want you, Leah. I’ve always wanted you, but you have to fight for it too…

She wanted to hate him for that, but how could she when it was the truth? She’d never fought for anything in her life.

She’d always walked away. Or run. She’d always been a quitter, doing her damnedest to prove her father right. That was going to change.

“You don’t mind, do you, honey?” Dee asked.

“Of course not,” Leah said, which was how later that day, after eight hours at the bakery, she ended up with Dee—and Grandma, who “didn’t want to miss the hotties”—waiting in line at the fire station lot for a car wash.

All three shifts of firefighters had shown up for the gig and were good-naturedly out there doing their part in dark-blue swimsuits and little else except charm and charisma.

Grandma Elsie pulled out her phone to access her camera.

“Grandma!”

“It’s not my fault,” she said unperturbed. “Lucille pays us for the really great shots.”

“Oh my,” Dee said and put a hand to her chest. “Look at them all.”

But Leah’s gaze was on only one. Jack. Unlike most of the other guys, he wore a dark-blue T-shirt as well as his board shorts, with his official badge on a pec. He was standing in front of a Vespa, which had a beautiful redhead in it. She was talking animatedly to him, her hands moving as she told some story that made Jack burst out laughing.

He’d gotten wet at some point because his shirt was clinging to him. His hair was tousled, like he hadn’t bothered with a comb. And when he laughed, Leah’s chest ached.

“He looks tired,” Dee murmured. “Poor baby.”

“Yeah,” Leah said, watching him lean into the redhead for a good-bye hug before she rode off. “Real tired.”

“You know who that is, right?” Dee asked. “Chloe Traeger. Well, she’s really Chloe
Thompson
now that she married the sheriff. She and Jack are just friends, honey. You don’t have to be jealous—”

“I’m not,” Leah said. “Of course I’m not.” But she totally was. “Jack can do whatever he wants.”

Dee turned to her. “I hope you two aren’t going to have some sort of new age open relationship—”

“Dee.” Leah blew out a breath and knew it was time to face the music. She reached for Dee’s hand. “Jack and I, we’re not a thing. I lied to you. I’m sorry. So sorry. I was just trying to help, but I ended up making it worse.” She hesitated and then admitted the rest. “I did it to try to make you feel better, or that’s how it started anyway. But the truth is, a part of me wanted it to be true between me and Jack. I shouldn’t have ever said it though, or tried to deceive you.”

“Oh, Leah,” Grandma Elsie murmured from the backseat.

Dee was quiet a moment, taking in the emotion in Leah’s eyes. Then she leaned in and hugged Leah hard.

Leah squeezed her eyes shut and squeezed her back. “I never meant to hurt you. I—”

“I know.” Dee pulled back, keeping her hands on Leah’s arms as she looked her in the eyes. “And I
know
. I always knew.”

Leah stared at her. “What?”

Dee sighed. “I was so touched,
am
so touched, that you wanted to help so badly. I’d hoped that you wanting it as much as you did would make it true.”

Leah felt her eyes fill and she covered her face, but Dee gently pulled her hands free. “You weren’t the only one in on the subterfuge, Leah. Jack isn’t a man who bows to pressure. He doesn’t do anything that he doesn’t want to. He went along with it, and that brought me great hope.” She paused, laughter in her voice. “And great amusement as well. Goodness, you two are fun to watch.”

Leah groaned in misery.

“I wish you could have seen the way you two danced around each other, slowly coming to realize that it wasn’t pretend at all.”

“But it’s not real,” Leah said. “Last night we— He—” She shook her head. “It’s not happening, Dee. It’s over. Whatever it was that we were doing, it’s over.”

“Oh, honey,” Dee said. “Running isn’t the answer.”

Leah opened her mouth to tell her that this time, this one time, it was Jack doing the running, but the simple truth was she’d let him go. She’d taken the easy way out before he could discover her real secret—she loved him.

Hopelessly.

“It’s my fault,” she said. “I should’ve told him—”

“What, baby,” Dee said. “That he’s the one? That he’s always on your mind?” She smiled, a wealth of knowledge in her gaze. “I remember what it’s like, you know. Being afraid to let go. It’s like that silly game you play when you’re kids, falling backward and letting your friends catch you. It’s all about trust, isn’t it? Such a hard thing to do.”

“So how did you finally do it?” Leah asked.

“My mom told me that I should trust the man who could see the sorrow behind my smile, the love behind my anger, and the reasons behind my silence.”

Elsie was nodding. “Those are good ones. And you had that with Jack Senior, Dee. You surely did.”

“He was the one and only,” Dee agreed, and her gaze tracked across the parking lot to Ronald.

He met her gaze and lifted a hand.

Dee blushed and returned the wave.

“Dee,” Leah said softly. “It’s been so long. Don’t you think maybe it’s time for another one and only?”

“Oh, honey. No one’s going to be interested in my old bones. Look at me.” She gestured to the kerchief she had on her head, covering up the fact that she’d lost her hair. “I’m a mess.”

“Dee Harper,” Elsie said sternly. “You’re thirty years younger than I am. I’d trade this old body for your skinny ass any day of the week, you just say the word.”

Dee pulled down the visor to look at herself just as Ronald knocked on the window. “Oh!” she said, jumping.

Leah powered the window down for him, and he nodded politely to Elsie and Leah. “The finals run tomorrow night,” he said to Leah. “You going to win?”

“She can’t tell you,” Elsie said. “But yes, she’s going to win.”

“Grandma,” Leah said and sighed.

Ronald smiled and turned back to Dee. “You look beautiful today.”

She blushed some more. “You look busy out there.”

“It is busy,” he said. “Which is great. The money we’re collecting today goes to the teen center.” He was leaning on the car door by now, and craned his neck, taking in their bird’s-eye view of the firefighters working hard. “You enjoying the scenery?”

Dee shocked Leah by looking right into Ronald’s eyes. “Yes,” she said.

And then it was Ronald’s turn to blush a little. He cleared his throat and straightened. “You know, I’ve got two New York steaks in my fridge. Planning on barbecuing them tonight. Thought maybe you could use some protein.”

“Are you asking her out?” Elsie wanted to know. “Because you might have to be more forward than that, Ronald. Our girl here is slower than a three-legged turtle in peanut butter when it comes to these things. You can’t be obtuse.”

“Grandma,” Leah said again, but Ronald just nodded. And didn’t take his eyes off Dee. “I’m asking you out,” he clarified. “To my place.”