Always and Forever (13 page)

I feel myself blushing as I read Jake’s text. I’ve quickly
realised that no matter how low my mood is or how alone I feel one message from
Jake somehow manages to make me feel better. It’s so good to hear from him and
I thank my lucky stars for Jake’s thoughtful initiative which caused him to buy
me this phone.

I’m thinking about you too. Actually, I can’t stop. Do you
enjoy working in a bar? I guess you get to meet lots of people working
somewhere like that. X

I couldn’t help it, I had to ask about his job. I’ve never
been in a bar, of course I’ve never had the opportunity but even if I had I’m
still not sure it would be a place I’d choose to socialise in. My acquaintances
at college used to go out clubbing all the time and I’d hear them talking about
it often enough but because I knew it would never be an option for me my
curiosity was never that high.

Jake: No, I hate it. I’ve been there for a while so I
should be thankful but it isn’t something I want to do long term. One day I’d
really like to go back to college or something but right now earning some money
is far more important, at least until I can get my own place. Lord knows I
can’t stay at home much longer, it’s driving me insane. Xxxx

I could spend all day talking with Jake but I know I need
to end the conversation before I get too absorbed in it and make my mum
suspicious. She’s never spy on me, she’s not like my father but she could just
think its ok to burst into my bedroom and catch me with the phone in my hands.

I make my excuses and switch the phone off before burying
at the back of one of my drawers. I still haven’t thought of another hiding
place for it. I didn’t sleep much last night so I decide to try and take a nap,
not that I can ever sleep during the day but it’s worth a shot.

As I toss and turn I start to reflect on the time when my
father caught me to eavesdropping to one of his conversations with mum. I was
only six but he showed no leniency even then. He said that I had been caught
and that I was sneaky and deceitful for hiding behind the door to overhear
adult discussions. I was absolutely terrified and had no idea how he was going
to punish me.

 My punishment was horrific, I was forced into the
corner of my bedroom and I was told to sit facing the wall with my legs
crossed. He placed some headphones over my ears and forced me to listen to
Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’ for six hours. It’s a dark and chilling piece,
especially for a small child and it was on a loop for all of that time. He told
me that he had cameras in my bedroom so if I turned away from the wall he would
see and he’d then be forced to make me endure it for even more time. I wasn’t
allowed to go to the toilet and spent all day fidgeting and chewing on my nails
to take my mind off the fact that I desperately needed to go.

At first I wondered why my mum didn’t come to check on me
and then I grew angry when I thought of her downstairs and allowing this to
happen to me. I later found out that he had sent her out for the day so she had
no idea of what was going on, not that she would have been able to do anything
even if she did. I never told my mum about it and I haven’t thought of that day
for a long time, I’m not sure why my memory chose to remind me of it now.

My punishments were always so terrible but over the years I
learnt how to manipulate and placate him. There’s been nothing like that for
several years now and his devotion has only increased as I’ve got older but I’m
still filled with dread when I think about what he would do to me if he ever
found out about Jake. 

I begin to tremble when I consider the horrifying and
twisted possibility of my secret ever being discovered. I shake my head trying
to rid myself of such dark thoughts and decide to give up on the idea of my
nap. It’s never going to happen when I’m wound up like this.

Later that night as I’m about
to turn out my bedroom light I decide to sneak out my phone to see if Jake
texted me anymore after our conversation this morning.

Jake: Hi, baby. I’m just heading out to work now. God, I
really wish I didn’t have to go. There’s no point I can hardly concentrate
anyway, all I can think about is you. I won’t be home until at least two in the
morning so I decided to text you before I go instead of when I get back.
Goodnight, Bethany. I miss you xxx

I notice that Jake sent me
that text a couple of hours ago so he’ll already be at work by now. I can’t
believe he called me baby. I used to think terms of endearment like that were
cheesy and false but I’m not even ashamed to admit that when I hear it from him
it made me melt. I’d love it if he were able to call me; it would be amazing to
hear his voice. Argh! Why do I continue to torture myself like this? Speaking
on the phone with Jake will never be a possibility for me and that’s just something
I’m going to have to accept.

The rest of the week goes by really slowly but the days I
work in the bookstore are the worst. Those are the days I dread the most
because I’m forced to spend so much time with my father.

Right now I’m stood outside of the bookstore waiting for
him to unlock the door so we can go outside. He’s searching his pockets and it
looks like he can’t even find the flaming things. My teeth are chattering
because it’s so cold out here and my hands are clenched deep inside of my pockets
as I desperately try to keep warm.

“Found them! I knew they were hiding somewhere.” He grins
at me whilst jangling the store’s keys right in front of my face. He lets us
into the store and I immediately go behind the counter to switch on the
heating. I thought it was cold outside but that was nothing compared to the icy
atmosphere in here.

The morning drags by and I spend most of the day watching
the clock. Today is Thursday and I always find this day the most excruciating.
I think it’s because I know I’ll be seeing Jake again tomorrow, the
anticipation and my impatience is overwhelming.

 “Do you want a cup of tea or anything, Dad?” I ask,
poking my head around the doorway into his office. The last thing I want to do
is offer him a cup of tea but he’s always insisted that I ask him if he wants a
drink every hour and my time’s up.

“I can’t right now, Bethany. I need you to manage things
here by yourself for an hour or two. I need to be somewhere and it’s quite
urgent.”  He’s already putting on his coat and I wonder what’s gotten him
so spooked, he looks like he’s seen a ghost. He’s never left me alone in the
store before. Something must seriously be wrong.

“Is everything ok? It’s not mum, is it?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. I’ll be back in an hour or so.”
He hurries out of the office and the next sound I hear is the front door
closing behind him.

I glance around the empty space around me; I can hardly
believe that he’s left me here by myself. He said the reason he was rushing off
has nothing to do with mum so at least I don’t have to worry about it being
some sort of emergency that concerns her.

Ten minutes later and I’m still wondering how I can occupy
myself with this free time. I have my phone with me but a part of me feels like
I’ll be bothering Jake if I actually call him. I decided to bring it with me
today because I no longer like to be without it. I know it might be a huge risk
but it’s almost like I need to have that connection to Jake with me at all
times and if it’s with me then at least I know where it is.

I glance at the door to the bookstore, no one’s been in
here for over an hour and the chances of a customer coming in are scarce. I
bite down on my bottom lip and mentally weigh up the pros and cons of what I’m
about to do. I reconsider it one more time but just the thought of hearing
Jake’s voice is enough to convince me that the risk is worth it. I hastily make
my way into the office and find my coat which I left hanging up on the back of
the door. My father always drapes his over the back of his chair so at least
they weren’t touching. I delve into my secret pocket inside my coat and switch
on the phone. Adrenaline and excitement cause me to tremble as I type in a
message to send to Jake.

Hey, is there any chance that you could call me? Xx

I’m really nervous as I patiently wait for his reply.
Thankfully, I don’t have to wait too long and my phone alerts me to a brand new
message.

Jake: Of course. Is something wrong? Are you ok?

I can’t help but smile at his concern for me and how soon he
responded. I’m not sure if it’s convenient for him to talk and I don’t want to
worry him so I decide to type him a reply to reassure him that I’m ok

I’m fine, please don’t worry. Nothing’s happened I just
have some free time right now and I thought you could call me if you’re free to
talk? X

My phone immediately starts to ring and I experience a
surge of euphoria knowing that in a matter of seconds I’ll hear his voice.

“Jake, thanks for calling me.”

“Bethany, are you sure you’re ok? You had me worried there
for a second. I thought something was wrong when you asked me to phone. Are you
alright?”

“I’m fine, Jake, honestly. I’m by myself in the bookstore,
my father left for a couple of hours and that’s something he never does so I
thought it was the perfect opportunity for us to talk. You’re sure I’m not
bothering you?”

“Of course not, I love the fact that you wanted to talk to
me. It’s so great to hear your voice. Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow, I can’t
wait to see you.”

“Same here.” There’s an incredibly awkward silence and I
start to panic, wondering what I can say next to fill the silence.

“Well, at least we got that over with.” He says softly,
chuckling to himself.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“We just had our first awkward silence but don’t worry, we shouldn’t
have another one for a while and if we do I’ll just say something silly to make
you laugh and we can ignore it.”

I can’t help but be softened by how thoughtful he is to say
something like that. He’s instantly put me at ease and I remember every single
reason why I’m rapidly falling head over heels for this boy.

“I’m so glad you said that. I feel so much better now.” I
tell him truthfully.

“That was my intention, baby.”

Hearing him call me baby is enough to make me tremble and
he didn’t even say anything suggestive.

“But just so you know, I don’t plan on having anymore
awkward silences with you, Jake.” I didn’t mean for my reply to sound like a
come on but that’s exactly what it did sound like. There’s another silence
between us but this time it sizzles with electricity and desire.

“Is that a promise?” He responds flirtatiously.

“Definitely.”

“I can’t help but imagine you biting down on that bottom
lip of yours right about now. You are, aren’t you?” His voice is throaty and
deep, making my insides turn into jelly.

Out of nowhere the image of Jake whispering seductive
things into my ear whilst he’s on top of me suddenly enters my mind. I have no
idea where it came from and I can feel myself blushing at the explicit nature
of my thoughts.

“I tend to do that a lot, especially when I’m nervous but
I’m sure that you would be able to make me do it whilst I’m feeling something
else too.” This time there’s a really long pause and for a moment I start to
wonder if he’s still on the line but then I hear his laboured breathing and I
smile to myself as I consider the possibility that my comment might have
rendered him speechless.

“Seriously, hearing you talk like that, especially when I
can’t see you is like a brand new and inventive way of torture that you’ve
purely designed for me. You have no idea how badly I want you, Bethany.”

“I’m sorry, should I stop?” I ask him, trying my hardest to
keep any trace of excitement out of my voice. I can scarcely deny the ripple of
euphoria that’s coursing through me to know that I have such a powerful affect
on Jake.

“Please don’t.” He begs me.

I can hear his heavy breathing down the other end of the
phone and even though it’s impossible I swear I can almost feel it against my
skin.

“I don’t know what’s happening to me, I’ve never… I’ve
never felt like this before.”

“That’s unbelievably amazing to know. I’d give anything to
be right there with you, Bethany. I just don’t know how wise it is for you to
be saying these things to me over the phone.”

“Why’s that?” I ask him.

“Because so many images of you keep running through my
mind, they’re going to be playing over and over in my mind until I see you
again tomorrow night and even then I probably won’t be able to forget what you
just said, about you biting down on that bottom lip of yours whilst I’m doing
unspeakable things to you. The picture of that will permanently stay locked in
my mind.”