Aloha From Hell (42 page)

“That’s Brigitte. She’s Czech. And a zombie hunter. You’d like her.”

“Sounds fun. Is she your girlfriend?”

I shake my head.

“I almost got her turned into the undead, so it didn’t really work out. But I started seeing someone recently. You’d like her, too. She’s a Lurker, and when she gets mad she eats people.”

Alice gives a little laugh.

“They make me sound so boring.”

“That’s the last thing you were.”

She sits on the table and leans in close, like a scientist examining a new kind of bug.

“We need to find your real face because, seriously, human or not, no girl is going to stick her tongue in that thing.” She sits up. “And for the record, I missed you, too.”

She reaches out to touch my Hellion cheek but her hand goes right through me.

“Damn I was afraid of that,” she says.

“What the fuck just happened?”

She stares at her hand.

“It happens with everything down here. I guess since I was in Heaven, Hell things can’t touch me.”

“How did you get dragged down into this cell?”

“It was that crazy angel, Aelita. She had some interesting things to say about you. She said you aren’t human.”

And Medea Bava said some things about you.

“I’m humanish. I’ll tell you about it later.”

“What happened to you all those years ago? Where were you? I know it had something to do with Mason. He’s been behind every lousy thing that’s happened to us.”

“Like Parker.” Mason’s Sub Rosa attack dog who="ltack do murdered her.

“Parker.” She nods. “Whatever happened to him?”

“I killed him.”

Alice looks at me and turns away. She’s not sure if I’m kidding or not. I want to ask how Parker did it, but I can’t.

I say, “I know that Mason’s running what’s going on down here. And to answer your question, I spent eleven years right here in Hell.”

She turns halfway back.

“You seem a lot saner than I would be. I’ve only been here a couple of days and I’m starting to lose my mind.”

“You want to know something really funny? I’m the one who sent Mason to Hell in the first place.”

She shakes her head.

“This is officially the worst three-way ever.” She finally looks at me again. “I’m sorry I stabbed you.”

“That’s okay. The nonhuman thing helps me heal fast. Also, I can park in handicapped spaces.”

“So, are you going to rescue me or what? Aelita is going to drag me off to Mason soon.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Our deal was I had three days. And Mason is still waiting for soldiers and arguing strategy.”

“Whatever he’s doing, Aelita made it sound like I’m part of it, so I’d really like to not be here.” Her eyes narrow and she looks out the cell door. “How did you get by all the guards?”

“There were only two.”

Her eyebrows go up a fraction of an inch.

“There are a hell of a lot more than two.”

Shit.

I let the angel loose and my senses expand across the floor. The entire ward beyond the hall is filled with Hellion guards. The fuckers were hiding in the locked cells.

“Why don’t they attack?”

“They’re probably waiting for Aelita. She seems to be the one in charge around here.”

There’s no way I can get us past all the guards outside. But we’re only on the third floor.

“Step back. Thiighep backs is going to look strange, but don’t ask any questions. Just jump when I tell you.”

Alice goes back to the wall. I manifest the Gladius and smash it into the floor. It cuts through the stones like a blowtorch through a marshmallow. It doesn’t even make much noise. Just a low sizzle. Three hits and a section of the floor gives way.

“Jump,” I say.

I don’t have to say it twice. She hops into the hole and I follow her. The second-floor crazies are still playing their game. A couple glance at us when we hit the floor, but we’re not nearly as interesting as the game, so they turn away. I hack another hole in the floor and we drop through to the first floor.

There are a few Hellion guards stationed downstairs, but only a couple by the stairs. They’re surprised when Alice and I come falling out of the ceiling, but shocked when they see the Gladius. One of the guards tries to shout, but I take his head off before he can make a sound. Unfortunately, the second guard shouts a Hellion alarm command. I stab him in the heart and he disappears. I try to push Alice into the tunnel, but my hand goes right through her. She’s staring at me. She’s never seen me kill anything before.

“Go,” I shout, and she snaps out of it and jumps into the tunnel. When I get out I pull the door back into place and slash at the tunnel ceiling and walls, knocking down as much debris in front of the door as I can.

I let the Gladius go out and we head back to the manhole. She stops and looks at me a little like she did when I first walked into her cell.

She says, “What the hell was that in your hand?”

“It’s called a Gladius. It’s just something I found I can do.” There’s no goddamn way I’m explaining to her how only angels have them.

“You killed those guys and didn’t even flinch,” she says.

“First off, they weren’t guys, and second, I’ve killed a hell of a lot more than them. How do you think I got here? Do you think I got these scars on the debate team? Killing is what I do down here. And it’s what I still do.”

“But only bad things, right?”

“We’re in Hell. I don’t think Mother Teresa or Johnny Cash are in much danger.”

She has to think about it for a minute. It’ll take her a lot longer than that to make sense of the last few minutes and we don’t have time.

“We need to keep moving.”

“Okay.”

As we go, she tries to take my hand.01Cake my It goes right through me.

“Shit,” she says.

I lead her back to the manhole and we climb the ladder out.

I
WALK
A
LICE
up the garage ramp, skirting the crazies and the squatters. She can’t take her eyes off them. I get the feeling Aelita dropped her straight into the cell, so she hasn’t seen much of Hell. Lucky girl.

Neshamah is on the roof looking through Muninn’s crystal like a jeweler checking a diamond for flaws. He shoves it back in his waistcoat when he sees us.

“The prodigal son returns. I wasn’t sure you had enough fingers and toes to count to three hundred. I see you’ve brought back a friend and that you have a hole in your chest. Just another day at the office,” says Neshamah. He turns to Alice. “Was he this clumsy on earth or is all this blood a Sandman Slim thing?”

“A who?”

“Alice, this is Neshamah. Neshamah, this is Alice. Neshamah is the one who told me how to get into the asylum.”

“Thanks for helping Jim get me out of that place. I would have gone crazy if I’d been in there much longer.”

Neshamah holds out his hand to Alice. She looks at it like he’s holding out a dead squid. But out of a kind of doomed sense of politeness, she puts her hand out, too. She looks at their hands and then at him when they touch. She starts to say something, but Neshamah cuts her off.

“If it’s any comfort, you wouldn’t have been in there much longer. Probably just a few hours. A day at the most. Wouldn’t you say?”

He looks at me.

“If I don’t get to Pandemonium in about seven hours, the Kissi are going to come down hard on the place. The way Josef is acting I don’t know if they’re going to start a war down here or join up with Mason’s boys and make a play for Heaven.”

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. The angel in my head squirms like something is trying to get inside. I think he’s losing.

“I noticed Kissi lurking about. What exactly are they getting out of all this?” Neshamah asks.

“They’ll get what I give them. Nothing more and nothing less.”

His eyes narrow.

“Do you think it was a good idea to ally yourself with such, let’s say, touchy creatures?”

“I knew I was going to need help to stop Mason and I never got anything but the silent treatment from your bunch, so who was I supposed to go to? Besides, Aelita wants you out of the way, and for all I knew, she was the new CEO of Heaven Inc.”

“Boys? I’m new here,” says Alice. “What are Kissi? Why did Mason bring me here?”

I say, “Kissi are like angels, only worse. I’m not sure why you’re here now. I thought it was just to get rid of me, but with what Aelita said to you, there might be something more.” I look at Neshamah. “You want to jump in here with any insights?”

He shrugs.

“Mason wants to get into Heaven. She’s from Heaven. Maybe he thinks she hid a key under a flowerpot.”

“I don’t even know how I got here,” Alice says. She notices the sky behind Neshamah’s head and it must have just registered that the darkness isn’t night, but a coffin lid of smoke blotting out the sky.

Alice looks at me.

“Did you just say you’re friends with Lucifer?”

“Not friends really. We’re more like professional assholes who play golf occasionally and get drunk at the clubhouse before talking business.”

Neshamah smiles and addresses Alice.

“Actually, there is no Lucifer at the moment. The old one is retired. Your friend James here is up to replace him. As is Mason.”

Alice gives me that I-don’t-know-who-you-are look again. Wraps her arms around herself.

“Is that really why you’re back? You’re finally going to whip them out and see whose is bigger?”

I look at Neshamah.

“The Gnostics were right about you after all, you evil motherfucker.”

I turn to Alice.

“I came back here because I love you. But I’m also here to kill Mason because he needs killing. He’s not going to be Lucifer or this sack of shit,” I say, nodding at Neshamah.

“What does that mean?”

“I have to go. Let Rain Man here explain it to you.”

Alice stares at Neshamah.

“Do I know you from somewhere?”

“You might have run into one of my brothers.”

“Do you think you could possibly not be a prick long enough for me to go and finish this?” I ask.

“Are you running off to Pandemonium alone? That’s magnificently stupid.”

“I’m going to Houdini someone out of Tartarus, but I don’t even know where it is. Do you have a map of the stars’ homes or something I could borrow?”

Neshamah scratches his chin.

“I have to hand it to you, kid. You’re a pain in my ass but you’re not boring. Tartarus is in the Badlands.”

Alice reaches for my arm but her hand goes through me.

“Wait. We finally see each other again and you’re dumping me here with a stranger?”

“I know this stinks. But trust me, getting you out of the asylum wasn’t rescuing you. What I’m about to do is.”

She turns to Neshamah.

“Who are you? You’re part of this, aren’t you?”

“He can explain it to you after I go.”

Neshamah pats Alice’s shoulder.

“And indeed I will.”

“So how do I get to the Badlands?”

“Are you sure you want to do this? Once you’re in Tartarus, there’s nothing I can do for you. It’s not my domain. It belongs to my brother Ruach. And if you think I’m a bastard, you should meet him sometime.”

“If he’s around, I’ll give him a peck on the cheek for you. How do I get there?”

“The same way you got to the asylum. Three hundred and thirty-three paces, but in the opposite direction.”

“You really like that number.”

He nods.

“Actually I like nines. Sacred numbers. You’ve got to love them. If you people were better at math, you’d be as smart as me.”

I nod in Alice’s direction.

“You can take care of her while I’m gone, right?ȁx20right?&D;

“She was taken from her place in Heaven, so unlike some people, she’s one of mine. No one will hurt her.”

I start down the ramp. Alice follows me a few paces. I stop.

“Can you for sure stop Mason?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then promise me this. If you can’t win and everything is going to fall apart, you come back here so we can ride it out together.”

“I promise.”

“Okay, then,” she says.

I half turn away then pivot back.

“Did you spy on me for the Sub Rosa?” The question just charged out on its own. I can almost feel the angel trying to reach into my mouth and snatch the words back.

Alice stands still. I can read faces pretty well. If she had a heartbeat, it would be spiking right now. That’s all I need to know.

There’s a crack like a cannon going off as the building the Kissi set on fire collapses. I wave to her once and go.