Almost Perfect (32 page)

"I did. I told you I wanted to stay here and make this work."

"You could have been a bit more clear about what you meant."

"Joe—" Frustration and fear had her heart racing. "You made me promise not to say it aloud unless I meant it, so I've been too scared to say it, scared you won't believe me. You didn't believe me before, even though it was true, and I don't know if you'll believe me now. I don't care, though." The pressure in her chest rose up to fill her throat. "I'm tired of not saying it. I love you! All right. There! I said it."

"And this is how you show it?" He gestured toward her. "By lying to me?"

"What?" She gaped at him. Why wasn't he saying he loved her too? "I didn't lie to you."

"Well, you sure as hell weren't being honest. Omission is a type of lie. What I can't figure out is why. Why didn't you tell me what was going on with Sylvia? And why in the world would you pass up such a great opportunity? That makes no sense. Are you insane?"

"Because… I had to make a choice. Last time, I chose my art, my independence, myself. This time, I chose you."

"Who's asking you to choose?" His hands went up in frustration. "Have I ever asked that of you?"

"No, but…" Why was he so upset? Didn't he understand? "It didn't seem fair for me to go off chasing all that. This is more important than that. You're more important than that."

"Fair? You're not making sense." He drew up short. Held a hand out. "Wait. No. Tell me I'm wrong. You think I'm settling for less than I want. Poor Joe got shot and had to leave the Rangers. He's not good enough for what he really wants. He has to settle for half a life. A less important life than being a successful artist."

"I didn't think of it that way. Exactly." But she had. Oh God, she had!

"Fuck! I'm right." He turned his back to her, visibly struggling to rein in his temper before he faced her again. "Damn it, Maddy, you've been working with me for weeks on this. How could you not see how much I want this? How could you think I was settling, when in fact I've found something I really want to do? I'll never make a lot of money, but what I do with those kids matters. And what I'm going to do with adults matters too."

"I do see that. And I want to be a part of it. That's why I chose to stay and help."

"Well, pardon me for pointing this out, but you're not that much help."

"I can't believe you said that." The words struck her square in the chest and had her earlier tears springing back to her eyes. "I'm not stupid. I can learn."

"I didn't say you were stupid, and don't you dare cry on me." He shook a finger at her face, making her cry harder. "I'm too furious right now to deal with tears."

"Then don't insult me, because it hurts." She swiped at the wet trails running down her cheeks. "And I cry when someone hurts me."

"What do you think I'm feeling?" He stared at her with pain in his eyes. "Do you think what you did doesn't hurt? You've been pandering to me for two months!"

"I wasn't pandering to you."

"The hell you weren't! You thought I couldn't handle it if you became successful. Did you think I'd resent you?"

She bit her lips, which was answer enough.

"Jesus!"

"It's not like that. It's—" She couldn't seem to think straight. "It's about priorities. You're the one who broke up with Janice because she picked her career over family, and you're the one who said long-distance relationships were hard."

"What?" He pressed fingertips to his forehead. "Okay, first of all, Janice has nothing to do with us, especially since there are thousands of women who have careers and still manage to make family a top priority. And second, when I said long-distance relationships were hard, I was thinking about you moving back to Austin and how much I didn't want to fly back and forth constantly just to see you— even though I was fully prepared to do that."

"You were?"

"Yes, damn it! But instead, I offered you a job to keep you here. Frankly, I'm beginning to think flying back and forth would have been easier."

"Don't insult me!" She balled her fists, angry now too.

"You insulted me by thinking my male ego couldn't handle it if you became successful."

"I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, well, I am too." He shook his head with a look of disbelief. "I really thought we had a chance this time."

Fear hit her like a bolt of lightning. "What are you saying?"

"That I can't be with a woman who keeps things from me. Especially when she thinks so little of me that she thinks she has to be less in order to make me feel like I'm more."

"I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to put you first."

"I never asked you to. And you never gave me the chance to tell you to go for it. Or didn't it occur to you that we could have worked all this out?"

Her body started shaking. "Are you saying we can't now?"

"I don't know! I can't think straight. Jesus!" He turned away from her, as if he couldn't bear to look at her. "I think you should go to Taos alone. Maybe we can talk when you get back."

He strode toward the door.

"Joe, no! Don't go!"

He stopped with his hand on the doorknob.

Tears coursed down her cheeks. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to. Please don't leave me."

He turned back, came toward her with longstrides and pulled her hard into his arms. "Goddamn it." His eyes blazed into hers. "I don't want to lose you. Not again. It nearly killed me the first time. I don't want to lose you all over again."

His mouth crushed down on hers, full of fear and fury. She kissed him back, weeping. His mouth left hers, kissing the tears from her cheeks.

"You don't have to lose me," she whispered hoarsely. "I won't let you. I love you."

Her head spun as he lifted her and laid her on the bed, coming down with her
. I won't let you lose me
. She caressed the hard lines of his face as he jerked at the belt of her robe. When his hands shook, she helped him untie it
. I love you
!

Desperate to touch him, she pulled his T-shirt free from his pants as he jerked the robe down her arms. She freed her arms and removed her bra, then gasped as his mouth moved to her breasts, hungry and demanding. She stroked his shoulders, feeling the hard muscles bunch as he jerked off her panties and tossed them to the floor.

Everything inside her clamored with need, but it was a need driven by fear rather than desire, a need of the heart, not the body.

When she was naked beneath him, he freed his erection and drove into her. She gasped at the shock of it, the hard invasion into dry flesh. Until that moment she hadn't even noticed her lack of response. Her eyes snapped wide in pain to find him frozen above her, his weight braced on straight arm.

Horror filled his eyes. "Oh my God. Maddy." He came down over her, cradling her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He rained kisses over her face and tried to ease his body from hers.

"No, don't!" She clamped her legs about him, pulling him back. "Don't leave me."

"Okay, I won't move. Am I still hurting you?"

"Don't leave me." She lifted her hips, forcing him deeper, biting her lip against the increase in pain.

"Maddy, baby, hold still. I'm hurting you."

"I don't care." The physical pain began to ebb, while the pain in her heart grew. "Don't leave me." She kissed his jaw as her hips continued to move, back and forth. Slowly she warmed and softened around him. "Please."

"Maddy, you have to stop."

She felt his whole body strain with his effort to hold still against her. He straightened his*arms again, gathering his strength and will to pull out of her.

"Stay." She looked up at his taut face, into his dark eyes as she lifted her hips into him, held him fully and deeply inside her.

"Maddy, I can't—" With a curse, he turned his head, his jaw clenched.

Stay with me. Love me
. On one slow glide, she let her hips fall, slowly, slowly, till he almost slid from her body, then she lifted again. When she held him fully once more, squeezing tightly around him, his head fell back.

"Oh God." His restraint broke. He moved in her, with her, his whole body working like one big wave, riding toward fulfillment, release. Lowering over her, he held her, comforting her even as he pounded harder into her. She tightened her arms about him and welcomed every jarring thrust, needing him so much, tears came back to her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing the tears away as his body gathered, focused, drove him toward its own selfish goal. Some small, functioning part of his brain knew her own release was a long way off, but his body didn't care.

The climax hit him with such a vicious punch that his body jerked from the force of it, then trembled as the pleasure kept on and on. When the storm ended, he collapsed against her, fearing his heart would thunder out of his chest.

His mind cleared by degrees, became aware of her arms wrapped tightly about him, her tear-stained face buried against his shoulder.

Mortified, he realized he was still hard from the adrenaline pumping through his body. Not as hard as before, but enough to cause her discomfort if she was raw. How could he have done this? Even though she'd encouraged him, there was no excuse for continuing once he realized she wasn't aroused.

Hating himself, he eased from her, wincing when she winced. He shifted to lie beside her, brushed the hair back from her face. Looking at her, meeting her eyes, was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Her eyes were red from crying, filled with pain, but no accusation. "How badly did I hurt you?"

"You didn't really. Not the way you mean." She blinked against a fresh rise of tears. "Will you hold me?"

He felt as if a giant fist reached inside his chest and squeezed around his heart. "Of course."

She snuggled against his chest, burrowing into him as his arms went around her. Reaching past her, he gathered the bedspread and covered her, tucking it between their bodies. He rubbed her arms, struggling with what to say. Before he could decide, her breathing evened out and she fell asleep.

He lay a long time, holding her, listening to her shallow breaths, still aching with anger and confu-sipn. Even in this, this mindless eruption of angry sex, she'd put herself aside for him. He wanted to shake her and comfort her and never hurt her again.

Most of all, he wanted to understand her. Which, of course, he never would.

Could he live with that, though? Live with a woman who had the power to rip out his guts with-out even realizing what she was doing? She would never intentionally hurt anyone, but God in heaven, she'd hurt him. She'd goddamn eviscerated him. And he wasn't sure she even got that.

He shifted to see her face, relaxed now in sleep but still ravaged by her tears.
What am I going to do with you, Maddy
?

Long minutes later, he rose, righted his clothes, and moved quietly toward the door.

"Joe?" She stirred behind him. "Don't go."

"Maddy—" He couldn't even turn to face her. "I can't talk right now. Go to Taos without me. We'll talk when you get back."

The following morning, Joe stood at the kitchen sink, his mind still numb with confusion. Renewed pain stabbed him when he looked out the window just as Maddy drove by. She glanced over long enough for their gazes to meet, and then the car carried her on, down the hill toward the gate.

A part of him was still so angry he wanted to throw his coffee mug into the sink and shatter it into a million pieces, while another part wanted to break down and cry as openly as she had.

Out of nowhere, the image of the Colonel sprang to mind, adding a ripping sense of grief to the pain already inside him. "I wish you were here, Dad. So you could tell me what to do."

Chapter 21