Almost Mine (16 page)

‘Well, you could try I.V.F. and see how that goes. But like I said, the chance of success is slim. Or you could…’ he added with the slightest hesitation as he peered over his spectacles once more.

‘What?’ Nick asked with a rush of sudden hope.

‘Well this is not the most ideal solution, but it would bring the best results. I’ve had patients who opt to use sperm from a donor,’ he tentatively explained.

‘A donor? But the baby wouldn’t be mine,’ Nick said as if to remind the doctor.

‘Not biologically, but you would be the father in all other aspects, Nick. Look, there are a few doctors that I can recommend, depending on which way the two of you want to go,’ he offered kindly.

‘Actually, you know what? The donor option might be worth a discussion. At least Cate would be a mother.’

‘A donor is
not
an option, and never will it be,’ I said, because if I didn’t nip that in the bud now Nick may have been desperate enough to have me pregnant before the day was out.

‘Just think about it.’

‘Nick. I’m never usually one to do this, but my foot is down on this matter.’

‘We’ll talk about it later. Thank you Dr Crawford.’ Nick stood from the desk and shook the physician’s outstretched hand. ‘I think for the time being all we’ll need to do is try and try again.’

‘No harm in that, but if you do wish to explore your options further, you know where to find me.’

‘Once again, thank you.’

When you wake every morning after learning of the most devastating news that had potential to ruin your entire life and make you rethink all of the decisions that you had made up until that moment, you would expect to feel something other than numbness. Regret, anger, disappointment, anguish and maybe even resentment may feature as the top five emotions that would make a play for a typical reaction. And upon opening your eyes, you may find yourself quickly squeezing them tight as last night’s revelation comes to the surface, and your body encases itself within a self-preserving force field that disallows the true intensity of loss from seeping into your very being, all the while knowing that you should be immune to feeling it by now.

For every morning since I’d learned of Nick’s infertility, the force field that I was not at all a stranger to had to be thicker and even more protective than before. And, as if denying reality wasn’t difficult enough as I squeezed my eyes tighter, how would I now deny what I was feeling in an effort to spare the heart of the man lying next to me?

I rolled onto my side and braved it, opening my eyes for a tentative second, hoping that seeing Nick would remind me of why my heart had to fight the urge to run, to escape from the suffocating world that surrounded me. He was still sleeping, it seemed dreamily, and I envied his ability to do so. Our lives were becoming a nightmare, but at least Nick was getting some form of happiness, albeit while he slept. Why couldn’t I have the same? Why did Nick get to be so lucky?

Pushing the covers back after watching Nick’s slightly smiling mouth for a minute, I decided that maybe this morning I would run. And if I was quick enough, I’d be able to escape before the aching that rapped incessantly on my heart leaked through and ended me for good.

Lilith Jane Alexander was buried toward the shady back half of the cemetery, and it always irked me whenever I visited my grandmother. For some reason I would hold my breath and clamp my fingers against my palms as I, as quickly and respectfully as I could, made my way to Ma Lily’s plot. There was no smell to refuse to breathe in; to me it was the fact that within such a small area there was so much death, so many souls that floated, or lurked, or just playfully existed within the afterlife, and I didn’t want them to be disturbed by anything or anyone that wasn’t there for them. And let’s not forget that graveyards are just plain creepy, especially on mornings like this when the mountain mist had not yet lifted from the ground.

Successfully and discreetly navigating my way through, I knelt in front of my grandmother’s headstone, removing the wilted roses from Ma Lily’s plot and replaced them with new blooms from my dad’s garden.

‘They smell beautiful this year, Ma.’ I carefully arranged them. ‘Dad’s finally trying some new species. He’s quietly proud of himself,’ I added with a smile.

I sat facing the headstone with my legs crossed over, my hands resting in my lap. The words that usually flowed easily to my Ma Lily seemed to be stuck in my throat. If I was to speak them aloud, to forward the information on, it would give the words merit. But it was
my ma, and no matter how hard I tried to hold them back, the words come tumbling out anyway. I told her everything.

I told her about Nick and Roy and how having thought I’d made the right choice back then seemed wrong now; that right now I thought that choosing Nick had been the biggest mistake that I could have made and then instantly, guiltily, retracted the words because they were not at all what I was holding true. Obviously I was so completely beside myself with guilt that I was not thinking clearly.

I cried to my grandmother the tears that I would only allow to fall within such privacy as this. Within the safe bubble where only a grandmother and granddaughter are welcome because, honestly, right now no one else could possibly understand the pain behind them.

As I wept into my hands, a warm breeze swept around me, lifting my hair gently and caressing my wet face like the calming finger tips that I remembered.

‘Ma Lily?’ I whispered into the air.

‘My sweet girl,’ I conjured my grandmother’s soothingly whispered voice just like I did almost every time I visited. ‘My sensible sweet girl, with a heart always too confused to see the light.’

I sobbed as my body shook and tears fell down my cold cheeks. ‘I miss you so much. I need you.’

‘Be brave, my baby girl. The love that you want is not the love that you need. You’ll never be truly free until you define the difference.’

What does that mean?

Confusion plagued me. Did I still want a baby? Did I still want Nick and this newly discovered love for him? Did I want something else completely? I didn’t know anymore. I thought good and hard, focussing my concentration on the only thing that I had always wanted from my life. Nothing is more quintessential than the love of a mother and a child. Did I need to sacrifice Nick to have it just like I sacrificed Roy?

I sat confounded, as if new light of perspective had been shed.

‘As always, Ma Lily, you’ve given me a lot to muse over.’ I stood from the wet, grassy ground. ‘I love you…oh and about Dad...I’m sorry, it’s still too hard for him to visit.’ I picked up the wilting roses, left the cemetery and headed home.

It was clear that work had begun at the winery as Nick’s employees were running around like flies with blue arses, or something like that anyway, as they did their best to keep up with whatever was required from them; picking, stacking, hosing and whatever else Nick asked of them.

Nick wasn’t kidding when he said that he didn’t have time for a break. Sure, I did the books and it was obvious that contracted orders were picking up at warp speed, but to see the sweat pour from these men on a less-than-five-degree morning was sign enough that more employees were needed ASAP.

‘Good morning,’ I greeted them as I walked past the tall stacks of crates.

‘Mrs Mathieson,’ they greeted me in unison without missing a beat, continuing to heave and sweat the morning away.

‘Where’s Nick?’ I asked as I craned my head around the yard. ‘Not slacking off is he?’ I laughed at such an absurd notion.

‘Interviewing,’ one of them told me.

I looked toward the veranda and there he was with a tall broad-shouldered man giving a hearty hand-pump. I made my way up to the house and greeted them as they descended the stairs. I smiled as I took my wifely place by Nick’s side.

Nick made the introductions. ‘Blake Hastings, this is my wife. Cate, Blake Hastings.’

‘Your wife?’ Blake’s expression faltered slightly as if hopes of something had been dashed. He held out his hand and I shook it. ‘I’m pleased to meet you.’

‘Likewise,’ I said to him, and then to Nick I added, ‘I’m heading inside. The boys look ready for some morning tea. I’ll bring it out.’

‘Would you like to stay and get to know everyone, Blake?’ Nick asked.

His hopes seemed to have been redeemed as his eyes brightened. ‘I can stick around for a bit I guess.’

‘Good.’

‘I’ll make some extras. Nice to meet you, Blake,’ I said as I ascended the stairs.

Nick joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later and surprised me when he began helping with the toasted sandwiches. This was my domain during the day, the outside was his, and to have him flipping ham and cheese toasties as I squeezed my home made orange juice made me feel a little crowded. My best thinking was done while I was preparing food. And today I needed the alone time more than I had done before.

We worked quietly and efficiently side-by-side as morning tea came together and we plated up the perfectly grilled toasted sandwiches. I headed out, taking with me the serving platter piled high for hungry stomachs.

‘How’s Lily this morning?’ Nick asked plaintively as he followed me around the breakfast bar, leading to the side door. I turned to face him and attempted to blink away the tears that instantly stung my eyes, but to resist the sadness behind them seemed futile. If only I’d had more time to mourn in private. I lifted my face and took a deep breath, fractionally lulling my heart-break.

I said jokingly, ‘Are you having me followed?’

‘I’d do it myself, but I really don’t have the time,’ he grinned.

‘Of course.’ I moved the few steps to the door, but stopped when he didn’t follow. ‘Was there something else?’ I said without turning.

‘You didn’t answer my question.’

I sighed impatiently. ‘What question, Nick?’

‘Lily.’

‘It was quiet, as usual. Just what I needed; now, can we go?’

‘I’m glad, angel. And I’m glad that you came home,’ he added.

I was constantly astounded by his ability to read me. He knew me like the back of his hand; every single line and imperfection. ‘How do you do that? How do you know me so well?’

‘Come here.’ Nick came around to stand with me, relieving me of the tray and placing it on the counter. His arms encircled me. ‘We were babies together, children together, teenagers and now adults together. I’ve had time to learn a thing or two about the things that you need.’

He kissed a tear as it slipped down my face. ‘Here I was thinking that I’m all complex and mysterious,’ I said.

‘You may come across like that to other people, but not to me, my heavenly angel.’

The sentiment had me melting me in his arms. ‘You think you’re all broody and serious, but I know about you too, Nick.’

He chuckled, obviously proud if himself for lightening my sombre mood. ‘There’s nothing remarkable about the fact that women can understand men. Sex and food is all you need to know about the male species,’ he informed me as he grasped my bottom and pulled me against him. He then plucked a sandwich half from my plate. ‘Sex and food.’ He took a hungry, devouring bite.

‘In that case, let’s get this food out before they get soggy. Don’t want cranky employees, do we?’

His playful mood sobered slightly. ‘I hope you’re not planning on fulfilling the sex bit.’

‘Yep. All of them are getting the full service today.’ I pushed myself onto my tip toes and kissed his cheek.

He stared down at me, unsmiling.

‘It was a joke, Nicholas.’

‘It’s not funny.’

I rolled my eyes at him and reached for my tray. His arms loosened but didn’t release me completely. ‘Come on. Let’s get these out.’

He pulled me against him and kissed me, hard, devouring my mouth as he did the toasty and though my insides squirmed with pleasure, I cut it short.

‘What’s the hurry? I thought we could have a bit of a wife and husbandly moment.’

‘Well, you ruined it with your lack of a sense of humour.’

His expression was as cold as I’d ever seen it. ‘I laugh at jokes. I would not define you sharing yourself with other men as humorous.’