Almost Like Being in Love (28 page)

Apparently Wayne didn’t hear him. “Will you think about it?”

“Not a chance.” “Sure, you will. See ya.”

 When attorney returned to the parking lot and started his car, the Dolby speakers picked up right where they’d left off.

“Jumpin’ Saint Jude, look what happened to Mabel,” sang Bernadette Peters. Oh, shut up.

I can’t believe I’m even considering this. I barely know how to coach a Little
League game—how the hell am I supposed to run a state? Assets: a big mouth.

Period. Suppose they ask me questions about budgets and stuff? Sooner or
later they’re bound to notice the thumb up my ass.

‚The floor calls upon the representative from the Fifth District. How much
do you feel the County of Saratoga should allocate for the Waterford landfill?‛

‚Uh—a couple thousand?‛

This isn’t going to work in a million years. And I can prove it. (1) I have no
charisma;(2) Clayton would kill me;(3) I’m not all that cute any more, so forget
about ‚Oprah‛; (4) Clayton would kill me. (5) If I leave Charleen with a
caseload that includes the Pioneer Scouts, she’ll never speak to me again;(6)
Clayton would kill me;(7) My gym card’s not valid in Albany. And (8) Clayton
would kill me.

By the time the Miata and I had lost the I-787 on-ramp and made a U-turn
out of an unexpected forest (having inexplicably wound up at a 7-Eleven in
New England twenty minutes earlier), I’d sufficiently recovered from toxic
shock syndrome to keep from rolling down the window and vomiting on
Vermont again. Get a grip. This could actually work. After all, these are the
same people who elected Dan Quayle, and he was no Bobby Kennedy either.

How tough could it be? Think about it—if anybody’s dumb enough to vote for
me, maybe I’m just dumb enough to pull it off. Besides, who knows where it
could lead? ‚Congressman Craig McKenna.‛ Wow.

Okay. I’ll kick it around for ten days. But no promises!

NEW YORK STATE DEMOCRATIC COMMITTEE

ALBANY HEADQUARTERS

151 STATE STREET

ALBANY, NEW YORK 12207

TO
: Albany Office

FROM
: Wayne Duvall

DATE : June 4, 1998

SUBJECT
: Craig McKenna

He’s going to do it. I could tell by the way he kept turning me down.

I gave him a week and a half to get back to me. In the meantime, I’m attaching his off-the-record curriculum vitae.

Let’s get moving.

WD

Craig Steven McKenna

Born January 18, 1960—St. Louis, Mo.

Father: Alan C. McKenna, U.S. Attorney

Mother: Louise Pearl McKenna, OB/GY

 Graduated Harvard summa cum laude, 1982; placed third in his law school class,1985.

 Began singing in coffehouses when he was 18. Bob Dylan and Woody Guthrie. (Good sign.)

 Chained himself to Widener Library in 1978 to protest Harvey Milk’s murder and inadvertently incited the first riot of the semester.

 Spearheaded the Students for Human Rights Commission and succeeded in closing down seven Boston establishments that discriminated against minorities.

 Locked Vice President Bush in a toilet in 1984.

 Launched Harvard’s first AIDS hotline—manned it himself.

 Organized a half-dozen zap attacks on the White House to protest the Reagan administration’s silence on AIDS. Came to know most of the D.C. police force— particularly his arresting officers—on a first-name basis.

 Wrote Pat Buchanan’s obituary for the Harvard Crimson, which was picked up by all the wire services. It took Buchanan three days to convince anyone he was still alive.

 Fell for Clayton Bergman—a construction and hardware entrepeneur—in 1978. Been living with him for twelve years.

'Liberals’ll love that, and we may even have a shot at the conservatives once they begin calculating the two disposable incomes.)

 Admitted to the New York State Bar in 1986 and founded the firm of McKenna & Webb in Saratoga Springs. Has since obtained verdicts in eighteen out of twenty-one cases—civil liberties, family practice, and environmental preservation. Your bluebook Republican nightmare.

 Believes in kids, the Red Sox, and equal rights across the board.

 Doesn’t understand the word “don’t.”

 He’s our man.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Craig

FROM
: Charleen

DATE
: June 4, 1998

SUBJECT
: “Men are usually easier to figure out than women, but not sometimes.”

I’m attaching a copy of the letter you sent to Noah. You left it by the Xerox machine. Always destroy the evidence, Craig. Remember the Rosenbergs.

How was the “depo” in Albany? You’ll note that I employ quotation marks to signify skepticism. Is there anything you want to tell me?

Something that rhymes with “campaign”? What about “Charleen, you may need to hire a temp for a couple of years”? I could see this coming in 1981 when you sent the Ku Klux Klan application to Anita Bryant.

Your face is ash-gray. Just like my mother’s after her hysterectomy.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Charleen

FROM
: Craig

DATE
: June 4, 1998

SUBJECT
: “My fellow Americans”

I told him no three times. It was like talking to a mailbox.

This is nuts! I have a life! Am I supposed to give it up just so Kitty Kelley can write scummy things about my relatives? And why did they pick me? How come they didn’t ask Jenny Pizer at Lambda Legal? She’s more qualified than I am. And she kicks ass a lot harder too.

They want me to give them an answer by June 15. Right now it’s a probable “nope.” Kind of. I’m not sure. Is there any way I could get elected to office without Clayton hearing about it? Maybe if you kept him distracted for two years.

Which reminds me—the First Lady and I are doing hot-and-sour soup and spareribs tonight. Want to join us?

Cr

P.S. Actually, I’m handling this pretty well. I can almost keep food down again.

P.S. 2. As you’ve undoubtedly gleaned from the Pumpkin Papers Alger Hiss apparently left by our Xerox machine, my front man in Utica advises me that Jody intends to kiss you this weekend. You’d better call the witness protection program. I think he’s at the end of his rope.

P.S. 3. I changed my mind. It’s a definite no.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Mr. President

FROM
: Charleen

DATE
: June 4, 1998

SUBJECT
: Kitty Kelley

There’s nothing I savor more than hot-and-sour soup—unless it’s swallowing mercury. Really, Craig. Between Jody’s kiss and your nomination, that’ll make two of us throwing up on the table. Clayton’s bound to suspect something. I can always claim PMS—what’s
your
excuse?

Before you tell Clayton you’re running for office, try to give me enough lead time to seek safe harbor outside the radiation zone. Iowa, perhaps. You might also consider spilling the beans after you’ve accepted your candidacy. Fewer moving parts are involved that way. (See Ricardo vs. Ricardo, when Lucy bought the turquoise tea hat with pearls on it before she promised Ricky she wouldn’t.( Besides, assassination is a federal offense.

Assuming,
arguendo
, that I earn my scarlet A with Jody, who’s to say he won’t lose interest once the mystery’s worn off? Remember Clark? He looked like the real McCoy too—until breakfast. And I’m not hunting for a casual relationship. My biological clock is running on fumes.

Ch

P.S. I’m sure the Democrats already considered Jenny Pizer. But they probably wanted to start small.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Charleen

FROM
: Craig

DATE
: June 4, 1998

SUBJECT
: Starting small

Thanks for the vote of confidence. And Clark was an exorcist. You get what you pay for.

By the way, Jody’s been pursuing you for a year and a half. The statute of limitations on “casual” expired eight months ago. And who ever said you were mysterious?

You might want to stick around when I tell Clayton. If this shapes up to be the fight of the century, I’ll need somebody to handle the popcorn concession.

Charleen, could our lives get any more tangled?

LOUISE MCKENNA, M.D.

OBSTETRICS/GYNECOLOGY

Jefferson Medical Plaza, Suite 100

903 Saint Charles Street

St. Louis, Missouri 63101

Darling:

I just met the loveliest woman on the leg press at the gym. Her name is Sylvia and she has an available nephew. How do you feel about gastroenterology? And don’t be a snob.

Somebody got into my office last night and pillaged my Rolodex.

Meanwhile, the $300 from the basketball pool was practically under his elbow and he didn’t touch it. Instead, he rearranged my Post-its by color.

I’d have gone to the police, but with a story like that, they’d have locked me up.

Give my best to Clayton. No need to pretend I mean it.

Love,

Mom

CLAYTON’S HARDWARE

serving Saratoga Springs since 1988

Honey—

I figure we’ll leave for Utica around 6:00. I’ve got to wait for a shipment of threepenny nails, so why don’t you pick up Charleen and the kid in the Bronco and then meet me at the store?

Love you.

C

Craig McKenna

Attorney notes

Never try packing a suitcase when you’ve got something burly on your mind. Otherwise, you and your sig oth are going to be stuck wearing ski pants in June.

He rearranged my Post-its by color.

First she gets a phone call from an unidentified crackpot who all but bribes her for my address. Four days later, somebody breaks into her Rolodex—but before he leaves, he cleans her office.

Circumstantial evidence is generally inadmissible, but a verdict is still a verdict.

Travis.

It had to happen sooner or later. And he was always a lot braver than I was. (
Who hitchhikes to Scranton for a record album?!)
Let’s see—he probably kicked off the mission by hunting down every Craig McKenna on the Internet. (Grin.) When he figured out my number was unlisted, he raked his irrepressibly methodical brain for a clue he’d overlooked.
Did
he become a lawyer after all? Should I check with Harvard? How about the
Massachusetts State Bar? Air raid alert! His mom was a doctor in St. Louis!

That’s when he called her. But chances are good that his capillaries were already popping by then—just like when Liza Minnelli came into the record store searching for one of her mother’s old albums.
(‚Oh my God
she looks exactly like Sally Bowles I forgot how to breathe should I talk to
her?‛ ‚Travis, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.‛)
Poor Mom. No wonder she hung up on him. So after that, he booked the first available flight to Missouri—which makes perfect sense as long as you’re Travis.

He probably figured he’d be an easier sell if Mom could meet him face-to-face. I hope he didn’t try to schedule an appointment with her. I think I forgot to tell him she was a gynecologist.

Yo! Craig! It’s 96 degrees in Utica! Unpack the thermal underwear!

I haven’t stopped smiling in three hours.

Uh-oh.

The Utica Post Tribune

VOL. MCLVI, NO. 98 UTICA, NEW YORK JUNE 5, 1998

BLUE SOX TAKE ON TROY IN GRUDGE MATCH

WEEKEND SERIES WITH BANDITS BEGINS TODAY AT 1: 00

Jody and His Boys Primed for a 3-Game Sweep at Schuyler Park
Craig McKenna

Attorney notes

The Road to Utica

starring Noah and Charleen and Clayton and Craig
Noah was the one who drew up the seating chart for the Bronco: me and Clayton in the front, Charleen and our Munchkin in the back. He also had a mile-by-mile itinerary charted out—from Foxhound Run in Saratoga Springs to Oswego Street in Utica.

“Ready, dude?” he asked Clayton as we nosed our way out of the hardware store’s parking lot.

“Dude me again and watch what happens,” warned my other half. Then he reached back with his free arm and mussed up the kid’s hair.

Affection insurance.

“100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”

Always a perennial favorite whenever we take him places, the object is to see who can go the longest without getting bored. (I usually clock out at sixty-something, and Clayton’s never made it past eighty-four.) But on this particular occasion, Charleen—decked out in a Jody-motivated yellow-and-white $800 Prada—decided to put up a road block of her own just as we were passing Saratoga Lake.

“You’re eleven years old and you’re not singing that song,” she informed Noah briskly in her “crossthe- line-and-you-lose-the-toes” voice.

“It promotes alcoholism.” I’ll be damned, I thought with misplaced pride.

She’s beginning to sound like me. But Noah wasn’t taking it with nearly as much equanimity.

“Does not!” he glowered.