Allie's War Season Three (171 page)

It wasn't him who wasn't comfortable with me leading...it was me. Even after all of this time, I was screwing around with my own issues around the role.

Forcing myself to exhale, then to relax, I let myself fall into the motion as I caressed his skin. As I did, I felt him relaxing more, too.

In all of the military mode of the past few weeks, even with the sex that morning, I'd forgotten about the rest of what was going on with us.

Namely, in addition to re-bonding ourselves, Revik was still dealing with integrating everything he'd experienced in the tank. He didn't have Vash around to help him with it anymore, either...another realization that managed to escape me until that very moment. Way back when, Vash warned both of us that it might be years before Revik fully healed. Vash had also told me, privately, that Revik needed to be touched, and often. According to Vash, Menlim created real gaps in Revik's light from the complete lack of affection he'd received as a child. Some of those gaps healed just from the fact of us being bonded. More got healed during the reintegration process Vash and Tarsi performed on his light in the tank.

But the problem hadn't been fixed.

Vash seemed to think the rest just needed time, and affection from family and friends.

Especially from me, he'd said.

I knew Revik himself was still self-conscious about his issues in that area, too, so he probably asked less often than he wanted it. His fall-back was sex, even with me...but that was a learned behavior, too. For years, that was pretty much his only option if he wanted someone to touch him.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I hadn't been remembering any of that nearly enough, not in terms of how I actually treated him. I'd practically forgotten all of those things Vash told me, in fact, at least in the past few weeks.

Revik just seemed so together these days. It had been easy to forget, despite how much he'd been through in the last few years.

As I thought it, I opened my light more. I felt that deeper relief expand through him, and then his light let go, too, letting me coax him open without resistance. I felt grief on him, in addition to the rest, along with a whisper of Vash's face and light. Gripping him tighter, I let that in, too, even as it occurred to me that Vash had been affectionate with Revik as well, maybe a lot more than I realized.

It seemed like we stood there like that for a long time.

Even so, I was startled when he raised his head, wiping his face with the heel of his hand. The motion wasn't even all that self-conscious. If anything, it felt like he'd relaxed...really relaxed...in his light as well as in his body, and even in the expression on his face.

"You need to ask more," I said, soft. "Your wife's not the sharpest tool in the shed, in case you hadn't noticed."

He rolled his eyes at me, still holding me tightly as his fingers found and caressed more sensitive areas on my back. He kissed my cheek a moment later, winding his hand into my hair, right after he tugged it out of the ponytail I'd put it in while I'd been working with Tenzi and Anale. Pulling me tighter against him again, he expanded his light in another flood of warmth, even as I felt that vulnerability on him sharpen.

"I really was mad at you," he said after another moment.

I sighed, still massaging his lower back. "I know. I'm sorry." I frowned, even hearing my own words aloud. "...I
am
sorry. That was pretty chickenshit of me."

"It was," he agreed, tugging harder on my hair.

He hugged me tighter, his hands under my shirt as well, and I felt him react to the additional skin contact. He pushed it aside only seconds later, but not before I felt a flood of that more erratic energy on him, and noticed his eyes had started glowing again, too. I found myself gripping his hair once I noticed, pressing my face into his neck.

"Did you go in there?" I asked him hesitantly.

"No." He exhaled in a kind of annoyance, clicking even as his hands tightened on my back. "I know you're right...and I
can
follow orders, believe it or not. I'm pretty sure I'd kill him if you left me alone with him for any amount of time," he added, his eyes glowing brighter, trained somewhere over my shoulder. "Tenzi asked me not to go in there, too...and Anale. Even Garend. So did Balidor...earlier, I mean." He glanced at me, still frowning, that harder look back on his face. "I wanted to kill him on that damned boat in San Francisco, and he was unconscious for most of the time then..."

I nodded, but felt a pulse of relief anyway.

I didn't bother to voice it aloud, but I was pretty sure Revik
would
kill him, too, regardless of whatever 'orders' I gave him. I had a good idea of what Ditrini planned to tell him as soon as he got the opportunity, and I didn't ever want that day to come, especially not if Revik had already seen a lot through my light, like Jon said. It was selfish, I knew, but I cared a lot more about Revik having to hear that than I did about him killing Ditrini, even in terms of how I knew Revik felt about killing in general these days.

Either way, it wasn't exactly good for my husband to be flying into homicidal rages, no matter what the reason.

Sadly, I didn't care about Ditrini dying all that much, Code or no.

Revik laughed a little against my neck, raising his head. He was smiling as he looked at me that time. Something more relaxed lived in that smile, too.

"I appreciate that, wife," he said, kissing my face. "Probably more than I should." He held me tighter again, his arms exuding warmth. I could still feel something nagging at him though, and he was trying to decide whether to tell me. I waited while he pushed it back and forth a few times, then finally seemed to give in, sighing where he held me.

"I'm jealous of him," he said.

My arms tightened around him again. "I know," I said. "You have absolutely zero reason to be, but I understand, Revik. I really do."

"I'm not sure you do," he said.

Discomfort rose in his light, and another of those tug of wars in his mind, where he seemed to be trying to decide how much to say to me. I caught a few glimpses of the flavor of this in the pause, however, and felt my face warm in spite of myself. Jon hadn't been kidding, when he said Revik had seen things about my time with the Lao Hu.

I found I understood though. For real that time.

"It turns you on," I said simply. "What he did to me."

He winced. He did it perceptibly, even as I saw color rise to his cheeks, more than what had probably risen to mine. It made him look young, even apart from what I'd felt in his light. It also reminded me of things I'd seen about him in the tank, enough to bring a flush of reaction to my own light. I knew where he'd learned a lot of that, as well.

"Not exactly," he said, his voice more careful that time, but also holding an underlying guilt. "Not the part where he hurt you. Not where he
forced
you, Allie..."

"I know." I sighed. "I get it, Revik."

I watched him avoid my eyes. When he wouldn't look over, I shook him where I held him, even as I let my voice turn impatient.

"Revik...for crying out loud. Captivity and sex and coercion were all tangled up from your very first
experiences
with sex. It's not like I never noticed before, that those associations were pretty hardwired in you." Shrugging a little, I felt my face grow hotter. "...I don't mind. Honestly, I don't. And I'm not offended. Under
normal
circumstances, that kind of thing turns me on, too..." When his face tightened, I shook him again. "I meant normal, as in, not with a sadist I despise. As in, the rules are agreed upon beforehand, and we’re both into it. We kind of played with that at the rebel compound, didn't we? A little anyway?"

When I looked up at him that time, a flush of pain left his light. He must have seen me react to it, because his skin darkened more. He didn't speak, though.

"They even joked about that in Seattle," I added, my jaw tightening a little. "...Kat and the others. I didn't know you then, but I caught the references. They made jokes about subservience games with you, and about you liking to be hurt..."

Another pulse of...something...left his light.

It felt tangled that time, embarrassment mixed with a darker flush of wanting, and what felt almost like the beginnings of a question, or maybe just the toying around with the wording of it in some part of his light. I waited until he had time to think about it, wondering if he would just come out and ask me. When he still didn't speak, I found myself reading things off his light, in spite of myself. When I did, I saw Ditrini's face and body behind his eyes, in enough detail to realize again that Jon was right, that Revik had seen a lot more than he'd admitted to me...or maybe just more than I'd really let myself think about.

With that jumble of images from him came another flush of guilt, coupled with what might have been self-disgust.

"I hate what he did to you, Allie," he said after another pause, his voice harder that time. "It's not some jerk-off thing for me, watching that...I fucking
hate
it."

I massaged his belly that time, nodding. "I know," I said. "I get the difference," I added. "I'm not
that
young. And Ditrini wasn't the first time I'd run into that kind of thing."

He shook his head though, his jaw hardening more. "Don't get me started about Jaden right now, Allie...I really
will
lose it on you. I mean it."

Startled, I glanced up. I hadn't been thinking about Jaden at all when I'd said that, but I realized immediately what he meant. I'd forgotten he'd seen all of that, too. Swallowing, I nodded, gesturing a yes with my hand, along with a softer apology.

"Sorry," I added, aloud. "I didn't mean it like that."

Sighing, he covered his face with one hand.

Anger flickered across his expression, more of that guilt, but I felt the wanting underneath, too. He fought back and forth in his head for a few seconds more, and I felt the pain worsen in his light, until it was affecting his body, too. I also felt the connection between that and what I'd been feeling on him before, that more compulsive part of his light, the part that caused his fingers to stroke my bare skin, even as he thought through the rest of it. Glancing down, he exhaled again, but I saw that more complex array of thoughts resurface behind his eyes, as if he was still fighting between what his light wanted, what his mind thought, and his actual words.

"Are you going to ask me?" I said finally. "You vowed to ask me...remember? You promised you'd tell me if you wanted something in that area. That you'd
show
me, if I didn't get it. Remember? We talked about this..."

After another pause, he exhaled again, nodding. "Yeah," he said.

"Do you love me?" I said.

He looked at me, and some of the tension left his face. "Yes, wife. I adore you."

"Do you want to hurt me?" I said. "For real, hurt me?"

He shook his head, even as his eyes cleared more. "No," he said.

"Then what's the problem?" I said. "Is it just because two guys you don't like got there first?" I fought a smile that didn't have a lot of humor in it. "...Welcome to
my
world, husband. Or do you think it was
fun
listening to Kat talk about you like that...and having to remember it ever since?" Hesitating, I added, "...And I didn't miss any of the undertones when you lost your virginity to Raven and those others, either," I added. "It might not have been overt, but it was definitely implied. They picked up on what turned you on right off..."

"Would you do it for
me
though, Allie?" he said, blunt.

When I glanced up, puzzled, if only because I felt like I'd answered that question already, he shook his head, as if reading the confusion in my eyes.

"...I mean, would you let me do it," he repeated, sending me a more directive pulse of light. "Would you let me control it, not you...including teaching me that thing you do with your light?" When my eyes cleared in understanding, he added, "...I never felt comfortable asking for that. The opposite, sure...but I never asked if I could be the one to control things. Not even with prostitutes..." His eyes held that conflict again. "...After the Gisele thing, I just felt––"

I cut him off, though, holding up a hand. "I get it, Revik. Stop. Okay?"

Even so, I found myself looking at him, thinking about his words, and what I felt in his light as it coiled around mine.

"Never?" I said.

He shook his head, clicking a little in what I could feel was another wave of embarrassment. "No. Not really."