All We Left Behind (21 page)

He leans on his elbows and looks at our pinkies hooked together.

“Why'd you tell me that story?” I ask, and when he looks at me I can feel the energy sparking between us.

“Because you're not the only one who's scared of something.”

He's too close when he says that. The silver buttons on his shirt only inches away. I should be angry at him for knowing that and for pointing it out. But that's not what I feel. I feel this tug I don't understand and I'm thinking about buttons again. Undone. Redone.

He smiles, but I
can't
think about Abe this way. I've got Kurt. I
slept
with Kurt. Only, I wonder what it would have
been like if yesterday had been with Abe. His curls tickle the edge of his eyebrow and I reach for my book to occupy my hands.

“You want to skip first period and go get coffee?” he asks, and I could burn up from the way he's watching me.

“Since when do you skip school?” I joke to cut the tension, and he shrugs, giving me his dashing smile.

“There's a first time for everything.”

I flip open my book and try to find my place. I can't think about first times right now.

“I have to read this.”

“Like you haven't read that book three times already,” he quips, and my ears burn, loving that he knows that. Only, guilt crawls through my stomach and I look out the window, to the soccer field we can't see.

“I have a thing,” I say.

“What thing?”

“Just a . . .” I tilt my weight into his arm, feeling his heat. Why do I want this now when I didn't two years ago? Why, when Kurt is out of sight, does it feel like all bets are off, and every look, every slight touch between Abe and me is heightened? Would things be different if it was Abe in that ocean? Would I be more comfortable with losing my virginity? Is it possible Abe doesn't wake the things that Kurt wakes in me?

“You stopped in the middle of your sentence,” he says.

“No, I didn't.”

“Yeah, you did.” The corner of his lip turns up adorably and I want to blow dandelion seeds into his breath.

“Right.” I force my eyes to the window. What am I supposed to do? “It's just there's this thing I said I would do.”

“That's a lie.”

Abe doesn't say that. It's a female voice.

I look up and Lilith is taking the seat across from us.

“There really
isn't
a thing,” she says, leaning forward and tossing her hair to the side. The motion gives us a view down her shirt, which I'm sure was intentional. “She's read that book like eight times. Marion totally wants to skip school for coffee. She's just playing hard to get.” I glare at her, but she smiles. “I keep telling her that playing hard to get is
soooo
eighteenth century of her. But hey, the girl's obsessed with Jane Austen.”

“There's nothing wrong with a little modesty,” Abe says, coming to my defense.

“Well, aren't you a regular Prince Charming.” Lilith sits up and winks at him. “Just have her home before midnight, if you know what I mean.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and Abe goes red. “Oh, and quick tip, Marion's got this soft spot right behind her ear that drives her cra—”

“Lilith!”

She laughs and leans back in her chair. I hate that her hands know that spot and she's using it as ammunition. Abe's face flushes pink, and I can't help but notice how his eyes flick to my ear.

“You.” I point to Lilith and then the library door. “Would you excuse us, Abe?”

I'm up and heading for the exit.

Lilith rises slowly and I look back to see her head tilt toward Abe, pointing out the spot behind her ear.

In the hall, I grip the drinking fountain and gulp down water. Lilith skips up to me in her cherry-red heels and I wipe my mouth and glare at her.

“What was that?” I say.

“You're welcome.”

“Excuse me?”

“Mar-i-doodle!” Her eyes sparkle. “I'm not blind.
Something
is going on with Abe.”

“
Nothing
is going on with Abe,” I assert, but she laughs.

“Oh, I know better.”

“Seriously, it's nothing.”

“You keep using that word.” Lilith swipes an imaginary sword through the air. “I don't think it means what you think it means.”

“Thank you, Inigo Montoya,” I snap.

“No, thank me after you have coffee.” Her tone gets serious and she points to the library. Only, I can't trust her. Nothing she wants me to do is really for me. “That's right, you can thank me later for putting back into motion what
clearly
has been brewing between the two of you for the last two years.”

I hate that she knows that. I hate that everything seems so freaking obvious to her.

“You know.” She puts a hand on her hip. “I don't know what Kurt did to you. But I like it.”

I almost smack her.

“I'm not having coffee,” I growl.

“Whatever.” Lilith shrugs. “Don't go.” She nods to the door behind us. “All you have to do is go in there and tell Abe you're
not interested
.”

Cold shoots through me.

“Easy peasy.” She leans forward, brushing her lips along the base of my ear. “But you
are
interested, aren't you, Marion?”

“You don't know what you're talking about,” I hiss, and Lilith laughs like she knows all the secrets of the world and I'm ridiculous ol' me. I'm furious, and glad I haven't told her about Kurt. That I haven't told her anything. “Why don't you leave me alone!”

“And miss all the fun?” She winks. “You underestimate me.”

I roll my eyes and storm away, my head buzzing. I stalk back into the library, but when I see Abe, I know Lilith is right. I
am
interested.

But I can't be. I'm not allowed to be. Not with that boy who was in my backseat, touching parts of me no one has ever touched. I grab my book from the table and pick up my bag. Abe tries to catch my eye, but I deliberately don't let him.

“So, there really is this thing,” I grumble, staring at his buttons.

“Okay.”

His thumb taps against the tabletop.

“I'm sorry about Lilith.” I gesture to the door. “She's mad at me about this, well, this other thing. Just something that—” I grip the strap of my bag. “Something that's none of her business.”

“Hey . . .” His silver eyes catch mine. “Do you want to talk about it?”

My eyes fall to his chin. I wish I could tell him everything.

“I have this thing,” I repeat, looking at his shirt again and counting the silver buttons. I wish I could go back to the apple tree and freshman year, and start all over again. Redo us, differently.

“Right,” he says.

Six buttons.

“Thanks though,” I say, selfishly reaching out and tucking one of his curls behind his ear.

Seven buttons.

He looks at me curiously and I hold my breath, watching him longer than I should.

“Marion?”

I grab my things and walk away without saying anything. I stumble through the door, down the hall, and out into the parking lot, where the air tastes of winter and fog hangs heavy on the trees. Plenty of fog hiding golden leaves. Plenty of fog to hide me.

Josie's still on the couch
in the morning. She's half in a sitting position and half lying on her side, as if she wanted to sleep but couldn't move her legs. I look around for Dad and hear the shower running. It makes me slam the wall.

The door's right there. She could walk right out of it. It's not like the fact that she's home means we can trust her.

Though maybe—maybe she wants to stay.

I start to pace and my legs itch. They want to run. I check the window and it's gray out. Fog. It's the best kind of weather to run in, where you can't see two steps ahead of you. It helps you focus. Forget.

But I don't want to forget anymore. Not with Josie here, and playing my guitar last night, and the scent of almost-gone salt water that I don't want to wash off yet.

I sit in the recliner and watch my sister. Her chest rises and falls as she sleeps. She's so quiet and I don't understand. On TV people go crazy when they detox. They tear shit up.
Sweat like pigs. Scream like the world is on fire. But Josie isn't doing any of that. It's like there's nothing inside her anymore.

“Kurt?” Her eyes flip open like she's a creature in a horror movie, and my stomach rolls into my throat.

“Josie?” My voice is so high it startles me.

“Nothing happened to me, Kurt,” she says, her eyes glassy but hard. She's answering my question from last night, but her look has punched me through my ribs and grabbed my stomach.

I want to nod and say it's okay and let that be the end of it. But I can't.

“Something happened,” I say, trying out the words again. I have a million questions. Like where she's been and how she got hooked on whatever she's on, and how she got the money for it. Too many bad things crawl through my brain. Maybe I don't want to know.

Why.

That's the big one. Maybe it's the only question that really means anything.

I wait.

She yawns and nuzzles her face into the pillow, lifting her feet onto the couch. Her bony toes dig into the cushion and I see why Dad's in the shower. There's a metal cuff locked around her ankle with a green light that blinks. It's a sensor. Or a tracking device. It's the kind of thing you put on a dog.

My hands ball into fists. This
can't
be the way we deal with her.

I need to be outside. Now. Before I march into that bathroom and pummel him. I'm almost out the door when her voice stops me.

“Nothing happened, Kurt.” Josie's eyes peer over the edge of the couch like it's important I understand this. “Nothing happened to me that didn't happen to you.”

That can't be true.

She disappears behind the couch, and all I can see is that thing on her ankle, her foot draped over the armrest. I hate the feeling that hits me next. We both grew up in this house. We both had to deal with Mom and Dad's shit. But maybe that's not all of it. She always took me to parties, and drove me to soccer practice before I got my license, and took me out for fries when Mom was passed out and there wasn't any food in the kitchen. She always made sure I got away from all this. And what did I do? I left her on the other side of that wall crying, where I could hear her. But I didn't
do
anything. Maybe part of what happened to Josie . . . is me.

*  *  *

People rush down the corridor and elbows smack into me like I'm going too slow. Maybe I am. I never spend this much time in a hallway.

I look for Marion, but I don't see blond among the
lockers. I'm not sure why I'm looking so hard. I'll see her in chemistry. But then Lilith comes into view and without thinking I wave.

“Lilith.”

She turns, surprised, and saunters up to me.

“Kurt Medford. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Uh . . .” I drop my hand and shove it in my pocket. The fact that I even called out her name betrays more than I should have.

“She done gone and messed with your head, now, didn't she?” Lilith teases, and I shut up. I can't imagine the two of them don't talk. “Good giiirrrl!”

Elbows graze my back and I almost shift into their flow and forget this.

“Did you need something, Medford?” Lilith fishes.

“I, um . . .”

She laughs and taps me on the chest. “I get it, Medford. You kiss better than you speak. And yes,
if
you're asking, I saw Marion in the library about ten minutes ago. I know, there's nothing sexier than a girl with her nose in a book, huh, soccer man? Threw you for a loop, now, didn't she?” She smiles to herself like that's an inside joke I'm not supposed to get. “I knew that girl had superpowers,” she says, tapping my chest again. “I'm glad she's finally using them!”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Don't worry about it, Medford,” she says, smiling with too much lipstick. “Just have fun.”

“It's not like that,” I say, and she squints at me.

“Not like
what
exactly?” Her eyes narrow, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. I know what that tone means. I have a reputation. I get it. She opens her mouth to say something snide, but then her hand grabs my shirt instead and there's something protective in the way she grips me. “Look,” she starts, her voice getting quiet, and her gaze falls to my shoulder. She pauses, and I'm not sure if she's about to kick my ass or not. The fabric of my shirt tightens under her knuckles and her jaw pinches. A stream of people flies past us, but she doesn't budge. I like that
this
is Marion's best friend.

“Lilith, I—”

“You're gonna break her heart,” she says, interrupting me. The fabric on my sleeve pulls tight and she catches my eye—only, her look isn't a threat. She stares at me, matter-of-fact, like this is something inevitable that she thinks I should know. “I'm not saying stop,” she says quietly. “You'll be good for her.” She lets go and presses her palm against my shoulder, smoothing out the wrinkles. “But you'll also break her.”

She starts to walk away and I don't know if that was a warning or an apology. But either way I don't like it.

“Hey!”

Lilith looks back, and I shake my head at her. I want to tell her I won't, but the words can't find their way out.

She smiles weakly and shakes her head.

“You're sweet,” she says, then disappears into the crowd.

I'm distracted in chemistry class.
I can't think straight. I haven't seen Kurt yet and I don't know if I want to. But at any minute he's going to walk through that door and we—I don't know—we're going to have to deal with this. Us. Make it public. Keep it private. Whatever. I can't focus and I don't know which I'd prefer us to be.