All Things Lost (43 page)

     “So I'm sitting there by myself trying not to cry when all of a sudden my neighbor starts talking to me. He'd heard the whole thing. I almost panicked. I thought I was dead for sure, that he'd tell my parents and I'd be kicked out or disowned or something. I can't even remember what he was saying I was so scared. But then he promised not to tell anyone if I came over to his house. I felt like I didn't have a choice. That was the beginning of…well, two years of torture. I was 13 and I lost my virginity to a 39 year old guy. He told me he loved me but he didn't, not really. He just wanted to own me. He tried to tell me who I could see and where I could go. I was scared to disobey him. He'd freak out if he saw me with someone I wasn't supposed to see. He never hit me but I always felt like I was only an inch away from that. I was so scared, so trapped.

     “Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I had some kind of breakdown. I was afraid to leave the house; I'd have panic attacks, start screaming and crying. My parents didn't know what the hell was going on. They took me to a shrink and it all came out. My parents were
furious,
I've never seen them so angry-but not with me. They filed all sorts of charges on this guy. I don't know what happened after that really. They kept me out of it as much as possible. All I know, and all I cared about is that I never saw him again. For a while they thought that maybe I wasn't really gay, that the guy had just perverted me or something. Eventually, with the help of my counselor, they realized that I was gay before him and I was still gay after him. They accepted it really well at that point and they've been supportive ever since.”

     “Oh my God,” was all I could manage when he stopped for a breath.

     “Well, I'm not really finished. Obviously I was pretty messed up after that. I felt like no one would ever love me and all I knew about was sex and how to use it. So I did. I slept with half the guys in my high school, gay, bi, and straight. I guess all I really wanted was for one of them to love me. I thought that somehow I could make them love me with my sex. College was more of the same. Eventually I learned, through a lot of broken hearts and even more counseling, that it doesn't work that way. It hasn't been easy to completely change my whole way of thinking, but I guess now you can see why I didn't want to sleep with you tonight. It would be too much like slipping back into my old habits and I don't want that. I don't want to ruin this with you. I don't know where this is going, but you're the most incredible guy I've ever met. I want us to have a chance and I want your first time to be the special, not like mine was.”

     “Micah, I'm so…”

     “Killian, I don't need your sympathy or pity or whatever. I've done a lot of healing over the years. I'm not the same kid I was then. There'll always be some scars but I'm good now. I'm happy. I didn't tell you all this to make you feel sorry for me. I wanted you to know the truth. It felt right to tell you.”

     I reached out and took his hand. He looked down at his hand in mine and suddenly his lip started to tremble. I pulled his hand to my lips and gently kissed it.

     “Thank you,” I whispered.

     He took a ragged breath and seemed to gain control again. He gave me a shaky smile and all of a sudden I couldn't stand it anymore, I quickly leaned in and pressed my mouth against his. We kissed for several minutes before he broke away.

     “I need to get you home,” he said huskily.

     I nodded although I wanted to stay more than anything.

     His eyes searched mine. “Can I see you again?” he
asked,
his voice barely audible.

     I leaned in until my lips were brushing against his ear. “Try and stop me,” I whispered. I flicked my tongue lightly over his ear and he shuddered. He gently pushed me away.

     “Don't you ever stop?” he asked playfully.

     “Do you really want me to?” I giggled.

     “Do I really have to answer that?” And then without warning he leaped up, tossing me over his shoulder as he did. He's stronger than he looks, I thought in surprise. He grabbed up his car keys, swung open the door and carried me out still slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

     “You can put me down now,” I said.

     “I don't trust you.”

     “What will your neighbors think?”

     “Who cares?”

     
“Micah!”

     He laughed and carefully set me back on my feet. “Behave?”

     “Yes, I'll behave. Jeez.”

     We walked to his car in silence.

     “Thank you for telling me all that,” I said once we were on the way back to my house. “I know it wasn't easy for you. It means a lot.”

     “You've told me a lot that couldn't have been easy. And I trust you so it was easier than I thought it would be. It's like I knew you wouldn't judge me.”

     I looked at him in confusion. “Why would I judge you? What happened with your neighbor wasn't you fault. And what happened after that, well, it's the past. It helped make you who you are today and since I happen to really like who you are today I have no complaints. Besides, who am I to judge anybody?”

     He smiled at me and took my hand. “You get more and more awesome all the time, you know that.”

     “I do not!”

     “You do, and don't argue with me.”

     I sighed and snuggled closer to him, resting my head against his shoulder. He turned on the radio and tuned it to a light rock station. I fell asleep listening to Bette Midler singing “The Rose”.

     He gently shook me awake when we were in front of my house again. “You're home, beautiful boy.”

     I blinked awake and sat up. “I fell asleep,” I astutely observed.

     “Yeah, I noticed,” he said with a crooked smile.

     I smiled back as I rubbed my eyes. “Walk me to the door?”

     
“Of course.
Stay put.”

     He jumped out his door and ran around to my side, opening the door with a flourish. I grinned and climbed out with the help of his proffered hand.  

     We ambled up to the front porch, still holding hands. I turned into his body and slid my arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around me tightly.

     “Kiss me goodnight?” I asked, tipping my head back and closing my eyes. He obliged with a sweet, tender kiss that just about made me melt. He broke off the kiss and stepped away, his hand lingering on my cheek.

     “I'm really glad you called me,” he said softly.

     
“Me too.
I think this might have been the best date I've ever been on.”

     He smiled. “Good. It just might be the best date I've ever been on too.”

     We stood grinning at each other like idiots for a minute before Micah started backing away again. “I guess I'd better go,” he said.

     “I guess.”

     “Bye.”

     “Bye.”

     “We'll do this again soon.”

     
“Promise?”

     
“Promise.”

     “Ok. Bye.”

     “You just said that.”

     “Oh.”

     He reached the steps and quickly turned and trotted to the car. He paused again by the car door, then jumped in and drove away. I watched until the tail lights disappeared from view. I let myself in, my mind still on Micah.

     “Did you have a nice time?” Adam asked from the kitchen door, causing me to jump and let out a little yelp. “Sorry,” he chuckled.

     “Did you wait up for me?” I asked in a slightly injured tone.

     “No, goofball, I didn't wait up for you. I worked late and then decided to have a drink before I went to bed. Care to join me?”

     
“In a drink?”

     “How does warm milk sound?”

     
“Disgusting.”

     He laughed.
“Then how about a real drink?”

     I was surprised that he'd offer me alcohol, but it made me feel good at the same time. One more way of showing me he really did see me as an adult now. I thought about it for a minute, then decided I'd had enough to drink for one night and shook my head.

     “Join me anyway? Tell me about your night.”

     “Ok,” I said and followed him into the kitchen. A small glass sat on the table about half full. I sat down across from the glass and Adam slid in behind it.

     “So?”

     “It was incredible. I really like Micah a lot.”

     “Well, seeing as how he got you home at a fairly decent hour I think I like him too. What did you guys do?”

     “He took me to dinner and then we went for a walk on the beach and just talked. Then we went dancing at the Inferno.”

     “You were able to get in?”

     “Micah knew the…woman at the door.”

     “Carmen?”

     “You know Carmen too?”

     “Everybody knows Carmen.”

     “What does she do during the day?”

     “Nobody knows that.”

     “Micah does.”

     “Did he tell you?”

     “No.”

     “Oh well. And then you came home?”

     “Well he showed me his place first.”

     “Oh, you went back to his house?”

     “Apartment and it's really nice.”

     
“Um.”

     “We didn't do anything, Adam.” Although not for lack of trying on my part, I thought.

     “I didn't say you did.”

     “Micah's really nice. He's a perfect gentleman. He opens doors for me and everything. He really respects me.”

     “I'm glad to hear that. He sounds like a nice guy.”

     “He really is. And now I'm really tired so I think I'm
gonna
head up to bed.”

     “Don't forget we're going to start painting on the house tomorrow.”

     
“
Amalie's
house?”

     “No, it's Steve's house. Now get to bed.”

     I laughed. “Ok, ok. See you in the morning. Don't get me up too early.”

     
“Crack of dawn.”

     “I bite.”

     “I'll be sure to warn Micah.”

     “Ha! Good night, Adam.”

     “Good night,
Kill
.”

* * *

     Kane woke me up the next morning moving around the room. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was only
eight o'clock
.

     “Ugh,” I grunted.

     “Good morning,” he chirped cheerfully.

     “Ugh.”

     “You got home late last night. Were you with that guy all that time?”

     I sat up; suddenly awake.
“Yeah, Micah.
He's incredible.”

     He stopped and looked at me. “You really like him don't you?”

     “Yeah, I do. I mean it was our first date and all…”

     “Did you sleep with him?”

     
“Kane!”

     “What? I'm just asking.”

     “It's none of your business.”

     “So that means no.”

     “It means it's none of your damn business.”

     “Jeez, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just kidding. Are you going to help paint the new house?”

     “Yeah, I guess so.”

     “Well, you better drag your ass
outta
bed and get dressed.”

     I sighed and threw back the covers. We got dressed and met Steve and Adam downstairs, where Adam had a hearty breakfast of doughnuts waiting for us. We all drove out to the house. It looked just as creepy as it did last time, but maybe in a little better shape. The yard was better tended and the painters had finished the outside before they quit. The work on the deck and dock over the river was going well, the framework was in place.

     “It looks like it's really coming along,” I said.

     “You haven't been out here in a while have you?” Steve asked.

     
“Nope.
Not since you were meeting with that contractor that one day.”

      “Well, things are coming along pretty well considering. I think it should all be done in another month or so. We should be able to open this fall. They still have to clear the back lot, though.”

     We all trooped into the house and Steve showed me a few things that had been done that he was particularly happy with. After my mini-tour, we were all assigned rooms to paint. Adam and Steve took the kitchen, Kane got the pantry and I was sent up to the third floor to start on one of the bedrooms.

     The drop sheets were laid out along the wall and a ladder was in place to reach the crown moldings next to the high ceiling. A gallon of paint sat in the center of the room, a brush lying on top. After searching a few minutes I located a screwdriver to pry the top off and a stick to stir it. I set to cutting in the trim work first, the tedious part as anyone who has ever painted a room can tell you. The mindless work allowed my mind to wander and I had plenty of time to think about Asher and Micah. It was the first time I had been able to think about Asher without feeling as if I were poking a raw wound since I had caught him kissing Caleb. I thought that was an encouraging sign in Micah's favor. I really liked him. He seemed so honest and genuine, and maybe someone with a little experience was just what I needed; no more little boys.