All These Things I've Done (9 page)

He sat down on the couch and his face was illuminated by the table lamp. I could see he had a red mark on his cheek that would likely be black-and-blue by the next day. ‘Oh no! Did Leo do that?’

He touched his cheek. ‘He elbowed me, I think, while he was having his – it’s a grand mal seizure, right?’

I nodded.

‘My sister used to have seizures, too,’ he said. ‘So, right. The elbow. It didn’t hurt very much when Leo did it, so I was hoping there wouldn’t be a mark.’

‘I should get you ice.’

‘It’s fine.’

‘No, the mark’ll be less,’ I insisted. ‘Wait here.’

I went into the kitchen and took a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer, which I brought to him in the living room. He thanked me and pressed the bag against his cheek. ‘Stay a minute. I can’t go to sleep while I’m holding these peas to my face.’

I sat down in the overstuffed crimson velvet chair that was next to the sofa. I wrapped my arms around a turquoise chinoiserie pillow – my shield, I suppose. ‘Bet you’re sorry you ever came out with us,’ I said.

He shook his head. ‘Not exactly.’ He paused to rearrange the peas a bit. ‘Seems to me there’s always something interesting happening whenever you’re around.’

‘Yeah. I’m trouble.’

‘I don’t believe that. You’re just a girl with a heck of a lot on her plate.’

The way he said it was so sweet, I almost believed him. I certainly wanted to believe him. ‘Before. You mentioned your sister used to have seizures. Did she ever stop having them?’

‘Yes.’ He paused. ‘She died.’

‘I’m sorry.’

He waved his hand. ‘Long time ago. I’m sure you’ve got a whole novel’s worth of sad stories, too.’

Of course, nobody was much interested in novels back then. I stood up and set the pillow back on the chair. ‘Goodnight, Win.’

‘Night, Anya.’

Around 5.00 a.m., I woke to the sound of screams. I never allowed myself to sleep very deeply, so it only took me a second to figure out that the screams were down the hall and coming from my sister.

When I turned on the light, Scarlet was sitting upright in her sleeping bag. Her eyes were drowsy and terrified.

‘It’s just Natty. She’s probably having another one of her nightmares,’ I told Scarlet as I got out of bed.

‘Poor Natty. Do you want me to come with you?’

I shook my head. I was used to handling Natty’s bad dreams. Natty had been having them since Daddy’s death nearly seven years ago.

Win was in the hallway. ‘Can I help?’

‘No,’ I told him. ‘Go back to bed.’ I was annoyed that he was there at all. People knowing your private business gave them power over you.

I went into Natty’s room, shutting the door on Win.

I sat down on Natty’s bed. She was tangled in the sheets and sweaty. The screams were weaker now, but she still hadn’t woken up. ‘Shhhhh,’ I said. ‘It’s only a bad dream.’

Natty opened her eyes and immediately started to cry. ‘But, Annie, it felt so real.’

‘Was it about Daddy?’ Natty’s typical nightmare centred on the night Daddy had been killed. It had happened in this same apartment, and we had both been home at the time. She had only been five years old; me, nine. Leo had been at boarding school, something for which I am very grateful. One person shouldn’t have to be an eyewitness to the murder of both parents.

The killers came while Daddy was working. Not only had Natty and I been home, we’d been in the room with him. No one saw us because we’d been playing at Daddy’s feet, concealed by the frame of his massive mahogany desk. He heard the intruders before he saw them. Daddy tilted his head towards us ever so slightly and put his finger to his lips. ‘Don’t move’ had been his last words, right before he was shot in the head. Even though I was still a child I knew enough to clamp my hand over Natty’s mouth so that no one could hear her sobs. And though no one was there to clamp a hand over my own mouth, I didn’t cry either.

They shot Daddy once in the head and three times in the chest and then they ran out of the house. From my position under the desk, I didn’t see who did it, and the police still consider the crime unsolved. Not that they investigated it very much. I mean, Daddy had been a notorious crime boss – from their point of view, his murder was only a matter of time, an occupational hazard, et cetera. On some level, maybe they even thought the murderers had done them a favour.

‘Was it about Daddy?’ I repeated.

She looked at me with haunted eyes. ‘No, it was about you.’

I laughed. ‘You might as well tell me about it. You’ll feel better saying it out loud and then I’ll be able to tell you how silly you’re being.’

‘It was like the night Daddy was killed,’ she said. ‘I was under the desk when I heard the intruders come in. But then I noticed that you weren’t with me. And I started looking everywhere for you—’

I interrupted her. ‘That’s easy. It’s a metaphor. You’re scared of being alone. You’re probably having anxiety about me going to college. But I already told you, there’s no way I’ll leave New York, so you shouldn’t worry about that.’

‘No! You didn’t listen to the rest. Just as the intruders come in, I look up and you’re seated in Daddy’s chair. You’re Daddy! And then I watch as they shoot you in the head.’ She began to cry again. ‘It was so awful, Annie. I saw you die. I saw you die.’

‘That’s never going to happen, Natty,’ I said. ‘Not that way, at least. What did Daddy always tell us?’

‘Daddy said a lot of stuff.’ Natty sniffled.

I rolled my eyes. ‘What did Daddy always tell us about why we would be safe?’

‘He said that no one touches the families.’

‘That’s right,’ I told her.

‘But what about what happened to Mom and Leo?’ Natty asked.

‘That was a mistake. The hit was meant for Daddy. Mom and Leo were just in the way. Besides, all the people who planned it are gone.’

‘But—’

‘Natty, it would never happen like that today. No one is trying to kill any of us because none of us is actively involved in the family business any more. There’s no reason to bother with us. You’re being ridiculous!’

Natty thought about what I’d said. Her brow furrowed and she pulled her lip up to her nose. ‘Yes, I guess you’re right. I feel sort of silly now.’

Natty lay down in bed and I pulled the sheet up to her chin.

‘Did you have a good time with Win?’ Natty asked.

‘I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.’ I lowered my voice. ‘He’s still here.’

‘Annie!’ Her eyes grew wide and delighted.

‘It’s a long story and probably a lot less exciting than the one I suspect you’re concocting, Natty. He’s only using our couch.’

I was just about to turn off the light and leave when Natty called to me. ‘I hope Win didn’t hear me screaming,’ she said. ‘He’ll think I’m such a baby.’

I promised her I’d explain without telling him too much of our business, and Natty smiled. ‘Incidentally, you’re not a baby because you have nightmares, Natty. Something terrible happened to you when you were little, and that’s why you have them. It isn’t your fault.’

‘You never have them,’ she pointed out.

‘No, I go around pouring spaghetti sauce over boys’ heads,’ I said.

Natty laughed. ‘Goodnight, brave Anya.’

‘Sweet dreams, Natty.’ I blew her a kiss, then closed her door.

I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. When I was in kindergarten, the teachers had taught us this incredibly lame water-conservation song called ‘Think Before You Drink’, and I guess it stuck with me because, to this day, I couldn’t run a tap without mentally calculating the cost. Lately, I’d been thinking of that song a lot because, as the person who was responsible for our housekeeping budget, I’d noticed that the per-millilitre rate had begun to creep up with each monthly bill. Daddy had left us with plenty of money, but I still tried to keep track of such things.

I finished the first glass, then had another. Thank God water wasn’t a rationed commodity. I was desperately thirsty and, although I’d tried to play it off as nothing, Natty’s dream had left me uneasy.

There were two things I didn’t tell Natty.

First, I would kill anyone who tried to hurt her or Leo.

And second, I wasn’t brave. I had bad dreams, too. More nights with than without. Unlike Natty, I had mastered the art of screaming inside my head.

Out in the living room, I could hear Win stirring. ‘Sorry we’re all so noisy,’ I called.

Win came into the kitchen. ‘Not a problem,’ he said. ‘Curfew lifts at six so I can start heading home soon anyhow.’

In the predawn light, I could see that his cheek was pretty swollen from where Leo had elbowed him. ‘Your poor face!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at his reflection in our chrome toaster. ‘My dad’s gonna think I was fighting.’ He smiled.

‘Will he be mad?’

‘He’ll probably find the whole thing character-building or some such,’ he replied. ‘He thinks I’m too soft.’

‘Are you?’ I asked.

‘Well, I’m not my father, that’s for sure.’ He paused, then continued. ‘Wouldn’t want to be.’

The oven clock turned to 6.00. ‘I’ll walk you out,’ I said.

At the door, there was an awkwardness between us and I didn’t quite know how to say goodbye. He had seen too much and knew too much about me. There were kids I’d gone to school with for years who knew less about my personal life. I’d dated Gable for close to nine months, and he hadn’t known a thing about Leo’s seizures or Natty’s nightmares. He wouldn’t have wanted to know either – in a way, disinterestedness was one of Gable’s best qualities.

‘What is it?’ Win asked.

I decided to tell the truth. ‘You know too much about me.’

‘Hmm,’ he said. ‘The smart thing to do would probably be to have me killed.’

I laughed. You might think that sort of kidding would offend me, but from Win it didn’t. In a way, it was worse when my background went unacknowledged. ‘No,’ I told him, ‘my dad would have considered that move to be premature. He would have told me to wait and see if you’re trustworthy first.’

‘Or I could tell you all my secrets,’ Win said. ‘You wouldn’t have to worry about me talking because you’d have enough information to ensure my silence. We’d be in it together.’

I shook my head. ‘It’s an interesting theory but I think I’ll go with the wait-and-see approach.’

‘Not very bold,’ he said.

I told him that I wasn’t very bold. That, appearances to the contrary, I was deeply old-fashioned.

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I can see that about you. Shame, because I don’t think I would have minded you being the keeper of my secrets. I don’t have that many friends in this town yet.’

Standing in that hallway, I could definitely see how it might be nice to kiss him. How I could gently plant one on his bruised cheek and then work my way to his mouth. But this wasn’t in the cards. So, I cleared my throat and apologized again for the insanity of the previous night.

‘Any time,’ he said as he turned to walk down the hall.

I don’t know why, but I watched him walk away. Maybe I wanted a last look at what I was missing. As he got in the elevator, I called out, ‘Goodnight, Win!’

‘Actually, it’s morning!’ he said as the elevator doors closed.

Scarlet left after lunch. ‘Thanks for going along with my doomed plan to seduce Win,’ she said as I waited with her for the elevator. ‘You’re a really good friend, you know.’ She cleared her throat and then she spoke quickly. ‘It’s OK with me if you go for him. He obviously likes you.’

‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘I’m not exactly looking for a boyfriend right now.’

‘Well, when you are, I wanted you to know that I’m not some stupid girl. Our friendship’s not gonna be destroyed if you end up going for Win. I know how hard you have it, Annie—’

‘Please, you don’t have to say any of this, Scar!’

‘I do. You need to know how important you are to me. And that I’d never get in your way over a boy that didn’t like me back anyway. You deserve a really nice boyfriend – not necessarily Win, but definitely not someone like Gable Arsley either.’

‘Scarlet! You’re being absurd.’

‘I deserve a nice boyfriend, too,’ Scarlet said just before the elevator swallowed her up.

The rest of Saturday was quiet, and I was finally able to make a dent in some of my schoolwork, which included reading a massively long article on teeth. The one thing I learned was that Win was probably right about the wear to the enamel. Our subject had been sick and, based on the amount of damage, she’d probably been sick for a very long time. I thought about calling him to say he was right about the teeth, but then I changed my mind. The information would keep until Monday, and I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

V I.
i entertain two unwelcome guests; am mistaken for someone else

O
N SUNDAY, WE HAD TWO
visitors, and I could have gladly done without either of them.

The first was Jacks. He showed up after I’d gotten home from church, and he didn’t call ahead.

I opened the door. ‘What do you want?’

‘Is that any way to greet family?’ Jacks was carrying a one-cubic-foot wooden crate. ‘And here I am making a special trip just for Galina. She said she was running low on Balanchine Special Dark.’

‘You know you’re not supposed to carry that stuff out in the open,’ I admonished him. I took the box, then basically chucked it into the foyer.

‘Worried I’ll get arrested?’

‘It’s sloppy,’ I told him.

Jacks shrugged.

‘Well, I’ll give the chocolate to my grandmother,’ I said in a tone meant to indicate that he should feel free to leave.

‘Aren’t you going to invite me in?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘Leo’s resting, as is Nana. There’s no one here who wants to see you, Jacks.’

‘Why so angry, cuz? I thought you and I were finally making some progress back at Little Egypt.’

I narrowed my eyes. ‘We were. Then you pulled your disappearing act.’

Jacks asked me what I was talking about.

‘I mean, you basically abandoned Leo!’

‘Abandoned him? Stop being such a schoolgirl!’ Jacks shrugged, which seemed to be his favourite gesture. ‘They were shutting down the club. Everyone had to get out. I assume Leo made it home fine, right?’