All These Things I've Done (29 page)

‘Here is something my father always said to me that I will now repeat to you: “Yuji, you can either be a bystander who lives his life in reaction to the decisions that others make, or you can be the leader who is making those decisions.” It may have lost a little something in translation from the Japanese, but you see my point. You say you want to protect your brother and sister above everything. I ask you, Anya, of those two people my father named, which one do you think is better able, better prepared to protect his or her family? The one who is running around trying to avoid conflict? Or the one who knows there will be conflict and embraces it? Do you know what my father said is the best thing in life to be?’

I shook my head. Yuji was clearly passionate, but I wasn’t sure I was completely grasping his point.

‘The catalyst. In a chemical reaction, the catalyst instigates the change but is not changed itself.’

‘Your father is dead, Yuji,’ I reminded him. ‘As is mine.’

At that moment, another Japanese man came out on to the balcony. This man was the most enormous person I’d ever seen in the flesh. He had a round belly and big arms like a sumo wrestler. He wore a black suit and his black hair was in a ponytail. He couldn’t have been anything but one of Yuji’s bodyguards. (He must have been waiting in the exterior hallway the entire time.) He spoke several sentences in Japanese, and Yuji replied in kind. Yuji bowed his head towards me. ‘I must go,’ he said in a much more formal manner. ‘I am leaving for Asia this afternoon. I have extended this visit as long as I could. Perhaps even longer than was wise. We won’t be seeing each other again very soon. If you ever need to speak to me, please don’t hesitate to call, though. Goodbye, Miss Balanchine. And good luck.’ He bowed his head again.

I walked him to the door, past Win and Scarlet and Natty again, and then I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face before going back to the living room. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. All my welts were scabbed over, and though I was feeling better, my physical appearance was at its most gruesome. Some tiny part of me felt vaguely embarrassed that handsome, twenty-three-year-old Yuji Ono had been forced to see me looking so ugly. I would rather have not seen anyone in this condition, let alone my childhood crush. Still, I realized now that it had been more than a mistake not to go to Nana’s wake: it had been selfish and a sin. I should have anticipated that Leo might have reacted in such a way. Yuji had been right. Despite what I said before, it had not been a fear of infecting other people or poor health that had stopped me from going, but vanity.

It was a good lesson.

I went into my bedroom to put on clothes. Though I wouldn’t have minded spending the rest of that day in bed, there were things yet to be done. I needed to go see Yuri and Mickey Balanchine to explain about my brother.

The doorbell rang. I thought it might be Yuji Ono, come back to tell me all the other ways in which I was failing, but it wasn’t: it was Mr Kipling and Simon Green. They had tied up the business at the wake and had come to check on Leo and the rest of us.

‘Yes,’ I reported. ‘We’re all fine enough. Leo is resting. And I’m on my way to make amends with Yuri and Mickey. Would either of you happen to know what the word
internecine
means?’

‘Bloody,’ they replied in unison.

‘It’s a bloody conflict within a group,’ Simon Green continued.

‘Something for a school report?’ Mr Kipling asked.

I shook my head.

‘You look awful,’ Simon Green added unhelpfully.

‘Thank you,’ I replied.

‘No, I only meant, are you sure you’re up to going out?’ Simon Green asked.

‘I’d rather not, but I don’t think it can be put off,’ I said.

‘Anya is right,’ Mr Kipling said. ‘When small wounds are left untreated, they can fester and become far more serious injuries. We’ll take you there, if you’d like.’

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I think it’s best if I go alone. It’ll seem less formal.’

Mr Kipling agreed that my instincts were probably right, but he insisted that he and Simon Green ride the bus with me to the Pool anyway.

X V I.
i apologize (repeatedly); am apologized to (once)

A
S I MENTIONED BEFORE,
the Pool was located on West End Avenue in the nineties, not too far from Holy Trinity. Though I tried to avoid going there, the Pool was beautiful in its way. Mosaic tiles lined the walls in gold, white and turquoise. No one had swum there in years, the whole place still smelt lightly of chlorine. And because all of it was underground, it was quiet and cool. Sound bounced around in unusual, unpredictable patterns. Daddy had chosen the space because it was cheap, easy to secure and more convenient than the old offices in Williamsburg. I imagine it had also pleased him aesthetically. One of the main reasons I didn’t like going there was because it reminded me so strongly of Daddy.

Fats was waiting in the lobby with Jacks. ‘I’d like to see Uncle Yuri and Mickey,’ I said. ‘Are they in?’

‘Sure, kid,’ Fats said. ‘They’re still in the offices. Sorry, but I’ll have to frisk you before you go back there.’

‘Hope you don’t get chickenpox,’ I replied as I held up my arms.

‘Had the vaccination when I was a kid,’ Fats said as he ran his hands up and down my clothes. ‘All done. How you doing with the itching?’

‘I’ve been trying to concentrate my scratching on one or two spots. I had this theory that if I scratched the heck out of one, I’d barely even notice the others.’

‘Yeah,’ said Fats. ‘How’s that working for you?’

‘Not great,’ I admitted.

I noticed that Jacks hadn’t said anything since I’d come in. This silence didn’t seem like him, and I was reminded of what Yuji Ono had said about Jacks being an unhealthy influence on my brother. ‘Hi, Jacks,’ I said.

‘Nice to see you, Annie,’ Jacks said.

‘So,’ I said, ‘what happened with Leo today anyway? I heard you were with him at the time.’

Jacks ran his fingers through his hair several times. ‘You know your brother better than anyone. Sometimes stuff sets him off. I think he was sad over your grandmother so he took it out on Mickey.’

‘But why Mickey? Why not you?’ I persisted. ‘Weren’t you closer by?’

‘Christ, Annie. I don’t know. Mickey’s an ass. Maybe he looked at Leo funny. Who the hell knows? I’m not my brother’s keeper or your brother’s either.’ Jacks turned to Fats. ‘Is it OK if I go now? I’m starving.’

Fats nodded. ‘Yeah, but I got to get back to my establishment by eight, so don’t be gone too long.’

Jacks turned to me before he left. ‘Sorry if I was short with you, Annie. I’ve got a lot on my mind.’

‘Don’t mind him,’ Fats said. ‘I think he’s got his period.’ Fats pointed me towards the back. ‘You better get going if you want to talk to Mickey and Yuri.’

Yuri’s office was in the heart of the locker room. The whole front of the office was a glass window. This window in combination with a large convex mirror in the upper corner of the wall made it easy to see who was coming or going no matter where you stood in the office. Consequently, I didn’t have to knock on the door. I was just waved in.

‘Annie,’ Uncle Yuri said, rising to greet me. ‘Good to see you. We missed you at Galina’s wake today. But I can see from your face that you are still unwell.’

‘I’m mainly better,’ I assured him. I kissed him on both of his cheeks because that was the protocol.

‘Hello, Anya,’ Mickey said. Mickey was lurking in the corner of the room. I could see that he had a light bruise on his cheek. What he had done to Leo had been much more severe.

‘You should be in bed,’ Uncle Yuri said. ‘What takes you from your bed, little Annie?’

‘I’m here to apologize for my brother,’ I said. ‘Leo doesn’t always think before he acts. I believe he was just emotional from the wake.’

‘Don’t trouble yourself, child,’ Uncle Yuri said. ‘We know that Leo is’ – he looked for a word – ‘sensitive, but we love him here.’

I looked over at Mickey to see if he felt the same way. ‘I want you to know that I didn’t do anything to provoke him,’ Mickey said. ‘And I feel awful about hitting someone’ – now it was Mickey’s turn to search for a euphemism for my brother – ‘like him. It’s below me.’

‘Now kiss your cousin and make up,’ Uncle Yuri instructed Mickey.

‘I’ve not had chickenpox yet,’ Mickey said. ‘No offence, Anya. Vaccines don’t always work.’

‘None taken,’ I assured him. ‘Did you have a nice honeymoon?’ I asked.

‘We didn’t go on one. I couldn’t leave work,’ Mickey said. ‘Yuji Ono was in town, breathing fire down my neck, and we’re still dealing with fallout from the Fretoxin poisoning all these months later, if you can believe that.’

‘Did you ever figure out who did it?’

Mickey shook his head. ‘Some of us are starting to suspect it was an inside job.’

‘Enough business talk,’ Yuri said. ‘Annie doesn’t want to hear this.’

I nodded and turned to Yuri. ‘Perhaps it would be best if Leo didn’t work at the Pool any more?’ I suggested.

‘There is no need for that,’ Uncle Yuri assured me. ‘He’s an excellent worker, and what has happened is of no consequence. Tell Leo to take tomorrow off and we’ll see him on Monday as usual.’ Uncle Yuri offered to pour me a cup of tea, but I told him that I was needed at home. ‘How are things now that Galina has passed?’ he asked. ‘Are you and your siblings managing?’

I nodded. I wasn’t sure if we were, but the last thing I wanted was my family’s help.

When I got back to the apartment, everything was quiet. I could see a light under my sister’s door, which usually meant she was studying. Though it wasn’t part of her job description, Imogen was washing dishes. I went into the kitchen to talk to her.

‘I made dinner,’ Imogen said. ‘And I gave your brother an aspirin.’

‘Thank you very much,’ I said. ‘You didn’t have to do any of this.’

Imogen turned off the water. ‘I care very much for you and your brother and sister, Annie. Even though Galina is dead, I still worry for you.’

I nodded and suddenly I had what I thought was a very good idea. ‘I hope this won’t offend you, but would you be willing to stay on for the next couple of weeks?’ I asked her. ‘I know you’re a health-care worker, not a nanny, but I could really use the help. And it might make things more normal for them.’ I gestured down the hallway towards where we slept. ‘Mr Kipling will pay you the same amount you’ve always been paid.’

‘Only I won’t have to deal with any bedpans.’ Imogen smiled at me.

‘If you ever wanted to stay over, you could use Nana’s room,’ I said.

‘Sounds good, Annie. Honestly, I was hoping to be asked.’

Though I am not much of a hugger, I hugged Imogen. She was holding her arms wide out to me, and it would have been rude not to.

She offered to heat up some dinner for me, but I declined. My stomach was still a bit wonky.

‘Toast?’ she offered.

I had to admit, that sounded good.

She cut off the crusts and set the toast on a pretty porcelain plate and then she sent me to bed.

When I went into my room, I found Win waiting for me. He was reading a book.

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know you were still here.’

‘You didn’t say goodbye earlier,’ Win said, setting the book on the bed. (The book was one of Imogen’s.) ‘I didn’t know where you’d gone. I was just waiting to see if you’d been killed. Now that I see you aren’t dead, I can leave.’ Win stood up. He was almost a foot taller than me. I felt small next to Win and altogether wretched.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘It couldn’t be avoided.’

‘“It couldn’t be avoided”? Is that the best you can do for an apology?’ He was smiling when he said this.

‘I . . . My life is complex. I really am sorry.’

Win furrowed his brow and then he kissed me. ‘You’re forgiven.’

‘The only thing I’ve done today is apologize. I’m starting to feel like the sorriest person on earth.’

‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ Win said. ‘I doubt you’re the sorriest person on earth. Earth is a very big place.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I was starting to wonder if you’d run off with Yuji. Is that how you say his name?’ Win asked.

‘Yes.’

‘I was starting to be jealous.’

‘Don’t be,’ I said. ‘Yuji is twenty-three. He’s way too old for me.’

‘And you prefer me, right?’

‘Yes, of course I prefer you. Stop being so silly, Win.’

‘Twenty-three isn’t all that old,’ Win teased me. ‘By the time you’re eighteen, he’ll only be twenty-five.’

‘Funny. That’s the exact same thing Natty once said about you. Except you’re only four years apart from her.’

‘Does Natty have a crush on me?’ Win asked.

I rolled my eyes. ‘Can’t you tell? She’s sort of obsessed with you.’

Win shook his head. ‘That’s cute.’

The doorbell rang, and I went to answer it. I looked through the peephole. A man I’d never seen before carried a cardboard box wrapped in clear cellophane (the expensive kind that you didn’t see much in those days because it wasn’t recyclable). He was shorter than me with thin limbs that seemed suspicious in contrast with his round belly. I wondered if he was really fat or if all that padding concealed something nefarious: i.e. a weapon.

‘Delivery for Anya Balanchine,’ he called.

‘Who’s it from?’ I asked without opening the door.

‘Didn’t say,’ the supposed delivery man replied.

‘One minute,’ I called back. I went to Nana’s closet to retrieve Daddy’s gun. I tucked it into the waistband of my skirt and returned to the foyer. I left the chain on and opened the door a crack.

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘If I told you, it’d spoil the surprise,’ the delivery man replied.

‘I don’t like surprises,’ I said.

‘Come on, all girls like surprises,’ said the delivery man.

‘Not me.’ I moved to close the door.

‘Wait! It’s flowers!’ he said. ‘Just take them, will you? You’re my last stop of the night.’

‘I’m not expecting any flowers,’ I told him.

‘Well, that’s how it works. People don’t usually expect flowers.’

He had a point.

‘Sign here.’ The man held out the cardboard box and then gave me an electronic device to sign.