All the Things We Didn't Say (21 page)

She was slow at using the old computer she'd bought from one of the Elkerson boys, but I wasn't. I was able to list
plenty of things on eBay every week. And people bought them. I couldn't believe how many toys were in that closet, sealed up and in mint condition, ready for my father or Steven or me to come home and play with them.

‘Stella's happy you came.' I tried again now, standing close to Samantha's straight back. ‘She always talks about you. She wishes you'd come more.'

‘You know…' Samantha turned the box over and inspected the bottom. ‘This one looks like it's been tampered with. Do you think it was a return? I don't like the idea of someone
else
drinking from my glasses.' She peered into the shelf. ‘Do you see any more like this?'

‘I think she's nervous about going to the healer tomorrow,' I went on.

‘Well, I can see why.' Samantha sniffed. ‘And I wouldn't expect you, of all people, to buy into a crazy person like that. I thought you were into science and medicine. Didn't you go to school for biology?'

My insides warmed. So she
did
know a little about me. ‘Medicine isn't exactly working, is it?' But I'd asked myself this same question. Yes, I believed in science, but maybe we could believe in Cheveyo, too. Just this once. And maybe it would work, just this once. ‘Anyway, Stella would love it if you came with us.'

Samantha turned to me, lowering the box to her waist. ‘You know I can't, Summer. I have my conference.'

‘You don't have to go.'

Something skipped across her face, and then submerged. ‘Yes, I do.'

‘Stella's afraid of the Amish. And you could be a big help to us-you know all about health, what with your vitamin routine and all.'

Samantha stared fixedly at a picture of a woman and man toasting on a box of margarita glasses. The woman looked
like her, with shiny chestnut hair and dark pink lips. I hated myself for sucking up to her.

We stood there for a while, looking in opposite directions. Back at the snack bar, a line of people waited for food. The place was crammed with teenagers, the girls in heavy makeup and tight jeans, the boys in baggy, oversized shorts. It was possible that Wal-Mart was the cool place in Cobalt to hang out.

After a while, Samantha looked up. ‘I meant to tell you. Philip was asking about you.'

I looked over at her. ‘Philip…who used to live down the street?'

She nodded.

‘You…know him?' I felt like my heart might stop.

‘I went to high school with him. So yeah.'

‘I mean, do you know him
now
?'

‘We're on the same high school reunion email list. I wrote an email to the list saying that I'd gotten married, and then I wrote another one that Chris and I bought a house. He wrote me back about two weeks ago, asking how I was, congratulating me, you know. Then he asked if I still spoke to you.'

Philip was a ghost in my head; I couldn't even remember what he looked like. A new couple had moved into Philip's old house, a pie-faced young man and woman with an enormous red pickup truck.

‘He's in New York,' Samantha volunteered, as if aware of my thoughts. ‘Or he was, two months ago. He works for an architecture company. I don't remember the name.' Samantha rooted through the other shelves of glasses. ‘Wouldn't you know it? This opened box is the only one.'

‘How long has Philip been in New York?' My skin prickled. Perhaps Philip went to New York because I lived there. Maybe he thought he'd find me. But I pushed that thought quickly away, mortified that I'd even considered it.

‘Um…he went to college there. I think he never left.'

‘What school did he go to?'

Samantha straightened up, exasperated. ‘I don't know, Summer. I didn't really ask him that many questions.' She picked up the tampered-with box of glasses. ‘I guess we'll have to go with this one and wash them really well.'

I was jealous that Philip had written to Samantha. If only he knew the truth-I still thought Steven showing up the night Philip and I were talking had been because Samantha had told him to. Then again, maybe Philip wouldn't care. Maybe Samantha had already told Philip, and he'd found the whole thing amusing.

‘I have Philip's email address if you want it,' Samantha said. ‘And his phone number.'

I cocked my head at her, wondering why she was being so charitable. ‘That would be great.'

‘Remind me. I'll write it down for you.'

‘Thanks.'

‘So we're getting these?' Samantha handed me the box of wine glasses. I took them. The box felt so substantial in my hands. Heavier than Stella, maybe. My head was suddenly cloudy, and it felt like Wal-Mart's overhead fluorescent lights were giving me sunburn. I couldn't remember the tilt of the conversation before this. I opened my mouth to tell Samantha yes, we were getting them, but she was knifing through the aisles, already on her way to the checkout.

For the rest of the gray, weary day, I felt lost in Philip. Samantha wrote down his email address and phone number on a piece of her
Samantha Denver, Realtor
stationery. Philip's last name was Singh, a detail I'd never known.

It was folded up in my pocket, it was sitting in a crumpled blob on my desk, it was unfolded and stared at. I tried to imagine what Philip was doing. Was it truly possible that he and I had walked down the same city streets, climbed aboard the same subways? It was Friday, so perhaps he was at work, at this mythical architecture company Samantha said he worked at.

Most likely, Philip's life had evolved, changed, grown. My life in Cobalt, on the other hand, had stagnated-I had designed it that way. Each new day unfolded exactly as the last: I ate white toast with unseeded strawberry jelly. I read the encyclopedias, trying to live as if it were 1965. The Betamax video recorder was an amazing new invention, AIDS was unheard of. Watson and Crick had laid out their ‘Central Dogma' of DNA, explaining the links between DNA, RNA, and proteins, but there certainly wasn't any DNA testing, engineering, or even much understanding yet. I tried to
avoid any news of current-day New York City, as well as references to it in movies, TV shows, magazines and books-every time I saw an image of New York, I was reminded of my father.

It hurt that I didn't just call my father. It hurt that he didn't call me. Surely he knew I was here-certainly Stella had let him know. Or what about Dr North, whom I'd called shortly after I'd arrived in Cobalt? Dr North had assured me that he'd keep tabs on my father-in fact, my father had already called him, saying he was coming back and needed someone to manage and monitor his medications. Surely Dr North had immediately turned around and told my father that I'd reached him. But maybe my father was so fine with Rosemary and Rosemary alone, he had no need for anyone else.

Certain images of my father and Rosemary together were manageable-them sleeping in the same bed, for example, as long as they didn't touch. The two of them riding in the car together, as platonic as brother and sister. But did he draw greeting cards for her, like the one he'd drawn for me when he'd been in the hospital for the snow globe incident? Did he lay his head in her lap and make up songs for her? I thought of Rosemary wandering the rooms of our house, running her hands against the top of the credenza, against the refrigerator magnets, along the muzzles of the dogs. My father was probably trying to make his life hers-showing her how to tell Wesley to roll over, demonstrating how to achieve the right blend of hot and cold with the shower taps,
walking her through the box of memories.

Philip probably had roommates, a girlfriend. My memories of him hardly amounted to more than a few sharp, painful fragments-the look on his face when I left him, the feel of his lips on mine, the heaviness of the moment when I told him about my father and the snow globe. It was inconceivable that what I'd constructed in my mind about him
even remotely resembled the person he was today. And anyway, Philip had more than likely forgotten about me as soon as I left Cobalt; I was just a girl from out of town who needed some sympathy. He had asked Samantha about me out of politeness, nothing more.

After we returned from Wal-Mart, Stella made her way into the downstairs den, which was now her bedroom. I sat on the living room couch, leafing through the H encyclopedia's layered tracing paper overlays of the human body (first there was the leaf with the skin, then the muscles, then the bones, then nerves, then organs, and then the organs beneath those organs, until you turned the page and it was just text again). It was comforting to know that the people of 1965 saw the human body exactly as we did today.

I flipped to the front of the book, searching. Not long ago, wedged between the pages for the entry on Handwriting was a photo of a young girl of about eight with freckles and short, dark hair. She stared seriously into the camera lens, standing next to a tire swing and a pickup truck with a cracked right headlight. After a moment, I realized I recognized it: I'd seen this same photo when I visited for my grandmother's funeral. I turned the picture over, but there was no inscription. The next time I opened the H encyclopedia, the photo was gone.

Samantha walked into the room, coming to a stop in the exact center of the round, ropy rug. ‘I should go.'

I closed the book. ‘You're not even staying for dinner?'

She fiddled with a strap on her purse. ‘I should get on the road.'

I ran my fingers over the encyclopedia's bumpy cover, trying to remain expressionless. ‘Thanks for stopping by.'

Samantha looked over at the box of wine glasses, unopened on the dining-room table amid unfolded towels, empty pill bottles, a big box of disposable wipes. The wine box showed
one of the glasses full of some thick, blood-colored wine, perhaps cabernet. It was the type that stained your teeth and lips, the kind-Stella would say-that dyed your shit black. We would never use them.

‘You should really clean up around here,' Samantha finally said, her eyes still on the dining-room table. ‘All this might not be…good…for her.'

I slammed the encyclopedia on the coffee table, hot with rage. For a moment, I was positively tongue-tied. ‘You know, I hear the highway you're taking to the conference has lots of accidents on it, too,' I blurted out. ‘Just like the highway from Northglenn to here.'

She crossed her arms and looked away. ‘Summer.'

I gestured to her car out in the driveway. ‘And are you sure SUVs are reliable enough? I had a good friend who was in an accident in one. Rolled right over.'

A vein in Samantha's neck pulsed. ‘Really?'

My insides felt blackened and thick. I didn't even know what I was saying. ‘No,' I admitted, staring at the floor.

‘Do you feel overworked here?' Samantha asked. ‘I might know someone out here who could do something for you. Cleaning, odd jobs, any of that.'

‘We're fine. We don't need anything.'

‘I'm just trying to help.'

‘You could've fooled me.'

‘Look, if you're going to
guilt
me into coming with you to this miracle healer and seeing this jackapoo or whatever it is, maybe I can change things around, but it's really not the best time…I mean, it was tough even taking
this
day away…'

‘I'm not forcing you to do anything.' I crossed my arms over my chest. ‘I know your job is important.'

Samantha opened and closed her mouth, like she was chewing gum. Her cell phone started to ring. Her face
blossomed. ‘I should take this,' she said. She started for the door. ‘Good luck with your excursion tomorrow. I'm sure it will go well.' And then she unfolded her phone. ‘Hello?' she chirped into the receiver, her voice like a ballet dancer, straightening up and snapping into position as the music began. ‘Oh, David! Yes, of course. No, it's wonderful to hear from you-I thought I would! I saw that look on your face when you saw the house on Currier Court!'

She put her hand on the doorknob, turned it, and crunched through the gravel path to the car. I could hear her high, happy voice the whole way to the road, and I was sure Stella could, too.

Things started badly on our journey to Cheveyo. Stella kept coming up with excuses not to go. Each was wilder than the next: She wanted to stay home and watch
Survivor.
She had a horrible feeling aliens were going to abduct most of the East Coast this weekend, spanning as far as Lancaster, where we were going, shutting off roads and prohibiting us from returning to Cobalt.

We had a hard time locking the house's front door, something we usually never bothered with. The lock kept sticking, and the barrel wobbled. Stella told me just to leave it, and eventually we did. This annoyed her, though, and she fidgeted in her seat as we rumbled up the gravel drive to the main road. It got to the point where if she would have just said,
I don't want to do this. I don't feel well
, I would've turned around the car and taken her back. But she had to make it outrageous.

The day steadily declined from there: our cones from the Dairy Queen just outside Cobalt tasted funny, like sawdust. Stella tossed hers out the window after just one lick; it splattered against a car's windshield behind us. The driver laid on his horn, then pulled over. ‘Maybe we should pull over,
too.' I glanced at the rear-view mirror. The ice cream had dripped down over the other car's windshield, onto the hood, and into the grille. The driver had definitely gotten our license plate by now.

‘Just drive!' Stella screamed, as if we'd just robbed a bank. ‘Keep driving!'

Late afternoon, we pulled over at a Bob Evans. Our waitress had pink streaks in her hair, a pierced nose, fishnet stockings, and combat boots, well-worn even though she'd never see battle. She sat us in a booth.

‘So.' Stella removed her silverware from the napkin. ‘I'm pretty sure the Jackalope Museum is on this road somewhere. I say, tomorrow, we head over there first thing.'

‘But we're on a time schedule,' I told her, for about the fiftieth time that hour. ‘You have Cheveyo at one tomorrow. I don't want to be late.'

Stella rolled her eyes. ‘Maybe this should just be a sightseeing trip instead.'

I gave her a pleading look. She gave me a sulking one back. ‘I'm not sure I want to smoke grass anymore,' she said.

‘He's not going to make you smoke grass. I promise.'

‘He lives in a
log cabin,
' she whispered, leaning forward so I could see the fine, pale hairs that grew above her upper lip. ‘There probably isn't any plumbing.'

‘I'm sure there's plumbing.'

‘But the jackalope is a feat of nature!' Stella cried, the lines around her mouth pronounced. ‘You'll be
amazed
when you see it. It's…it's miraculous, is what it is. And they have a nice display of the various animals that live in this part of Pennsylvania.'

‘How about this?' I took a sip of water. ‘We'll go after Cheveyo.'

‘What kind of name is Cheveyo, anyway?' She narrowed her eyes.

‘Native American.'

Stella made a noise through her nose.

I dug my nails into my palms. ‘He was featured on
Oprah
a few months ago, don't you remember? We watched it together. His patients came on the show to show everyone how much better they felt.'

Stella leaned forward. ‘I don't know if you've noticed, but that Oprah woman is
black
.'

‘What's bothering you?' I demanded. ‘Are you upset because of Samantha?' Yesterday, when Stella emerged from the den after her nap and found Samantha gone, there was a very obvious look of disappointment on her face. She wiped it off quickly, saying nothing, asking what I was going to have for dinner. She liked the routine of dinner, even if she didn't eat. I wanted to scream at her,
Get upset! You can, you know! You have the right to be pissed off at Samantha!

Stella shook her head quickly, taking the smallest sip of her water. ‘No, no. Samantha was lovely. She's so pretty, isn't she? So driven.'

I poked my pinkie finger into a small tear in the middle of the vinyl booth. ‘But don't you think it was weird that she left while you were sleeping?'

‘Well, she's a busy girl. She's got a busy life.'

I pictured Samantha at her real-estate conference, glancing at her cell phone discreetly while someone gave a presentation. ‘Remember when we saw that conference at Mr H's?' I asked. ‘I wonder what Samantha would say if you did a somersault at her realtor thing.'

‘I wouldn't do that,' Stella snapped, astonishment in her voice. ‘That would embarrass her.' She leaned over the table. ‘And honestly, Summer, you could've been a little nicer to her.'

I blinked quickly. ‘
Me?
Nicer to
her?
'

But Stella's attention had wandered elsewhere. The waitress
led a group of young men in military uniforms past us. They had freshly shaved heads and wide, blue, scared eyes. Unlike the waitress's, their boots were polished to a high shine, one that matched the mischief in Stella's eyes. Stella scooted forward in her seat.

‘Hello, boys!' she cried, waving at them.

The army boys glanced at her and smiled. ‘Ma'am,' one of them said.

‘Keep up the good work,' Stella trilled, as if there were a war on. She gave them a salute. By now, everyone was staring at us. The army boys saluted back.

Stella's satin-gloved fingers wrapped around mine, as though we were on a date. ‘They're adorable,' she whispered. ‘Why don't you go talk to them?'

‘I don't want to talk to them.'

‘You're not committed, you know. Loosen up. Chill.'

My face flushed. I would kill myself if I ever heard the word
chill
again. ‘I'm sorry I'm not as fun as Samantha is, okay?' I shook my head slowly. ‘And I can't believe you said I should've been nicer to her!'

‘Well, you should have. You weren't friendly at all. You were very…cold.'

I stared out at the red and white Bob Evans sign, too stunned to think. ‘Samantha doesn't need me to be nice to her.'

‘Of course she does. Everyone needs people to be nice to them. She's probably more afraid of you than you were of her. And anyway, life's too short to be nasty.'

I clutched my water glass so hard, I thought it might shatter in my hands. The muzak groaned on, a dirge. An old woman across the aisle gaped at us, her mouth full of eggs.

The lights in Bob Evans dimmed, then brightened. The muzak changed to something else equally dour and lifedenying. Abruptly, the military boys got up without ordering.
They unconsciously formed a line and strolled past us again, their boots squeaking virginally. After watching them pivot past the dessert refrigerator and out the exit, Stella turned to me, peeled one end of the wrapper off her straw, and blew it in my face. It hit my nose.

I sighed and removed one end of the wrapper from a spare straw at the table and blew it back at her. It missed her, and instead careened across the aisle onto the old woman's plate of eggs. The old woman jumped back, as if a tarantula had climbed onto her plate. Her husband, who was sitting next to her and not across from her, leaned over to inspect the straw. He put on his glasses for a better look.

The waitress with the pink-striped hair stared at us from the register. Stella looked at me and I looked at her and we both burst out laughing.

The key card that opened the door to our squat, stale-smelling motel room had an advertisement for Dunkin Donuts Munchkins on the back. Inside the room, heavy green curtains blotted out the light.

I unzipped my bag and pulled out all Stella's medicine. The day's doses were doled out in one of those Monday through Sunday plastic organizer kits. There was Ondansetron and Dexamethasone for nausea, various medications for pain including morphine, and vitamins. Stella wordlessly unscrewed the top of her Mountain Dew bottle and swallowed Saturday's pills one at a time. I sat down on my bed and pulled out the Cheveyo pamphlets. On the cover was Cheveyo himself, and the Verdana-font words
The Magic of Healing. As the true healer is God himself, Cheveyo acts only as a mediator. Visa, MasterCard, Discover accepted.

It wasn't a scam because he accepted credit cards. Because he'd put together glossy pamphlets and a professional-looking
website. And anyway, Western medicine had turned out to be a scam itself, doing nothing to halt Stella's cancer, which had proceeded stubbornly on. Why not try something else? The only thing we hadn't been scammed out of was time-when I rescued Stella from the hospital after her fender-bender, her doctor gave her a year to live, and we'd already outlasted that prognosis. A nurse once tried to turn it into something positive as she stuck yet another needle into Stella's arm:
At least you have time to say things you need to say.
As the nurse turned away, I saw a flicker of outrage cross Stella's face.

I helped Stella settle into her bed. The evening stretched before me, blank and dull. Stella shut her eyes, nestled under the covers. ‘Skip and I visited the jackalope together. We hadn't meant to. We just stumbled on it.'

Here we go again
, I thought.

She took a breath. ‘It's beautiful, Summer. I remember going in there with Skip and just thinking,
Well now, this is what life's all about.
Beautiful and strange. A huge mess, everything smashed together. Real and crazy and worth believing in.'

‘Mmm.' Stella had done an amazing job keeping the nature of the jackalope a surprise. Whenever I closed my eyes, I had a different mental picture of what a jackalope was. A jacko-lantern skull, maybe, its head pumpkin-shaped and its teeth scraggly. A type of plant that swallowed dogs whole. A rock that had naturally formed in the shape of a deer. Perhaps it was all those things, depending on what we wanted, or depending on the day we visited. Maybe the mutability of the jackalope magically altered everything else around it, too, like an activator ray in a science-fiction movie. Cancer would walk into the room as a mass of purple, pulsing, murderous cells but then, after seeing the jackalope, it would morph into a long, intricately woven carpet. Or a truck full of
diamonds. A piece of anise-flavored candy, about the size of a Nerd.

I changed the TV channel. On the screen, the two Williams sisters were playing in the US Open final. Mid-set, the program broke to a commercial for a Lincoln Navigator, a commercial for American Express, a commercial for a Mercedes SUV-Samantha's car. The car navigating the twisty California roads was even the same battleship gray.

‘Has Samantha ever seen a therapist?' I asked.

Stella's sheets rustled. ‘A what?'

‘You know. A shrink.'

‘Why on earth would she do that?'

‘For her parents. To deal with it. Or something.'

‘Now, do you honestly think that nonsense works?'

We watched the TV in silence. I felt confused. Stella's question seemed to end in an ellipsis. Was she waiting for me to say something? Comment, perhaps, that therapy had worked for my father?

After a while, Stella curled her legs into her chest. ‘I think I might take a nap.'

‘Okay.'

She turned. ‘I want to go see the jackalope tomorrow morning.'

The US Open was back on. The blimp circling Arthur Ashe broadcast a view of the New York City skyline. I felt the familiar ache. There was my mother's old office. There were the jutting buildings on the Upper East Side-somewhere up there was the hospital where my father had had his treatments. My father was somewhere in the city, and so, apparently, was Philip. My whole past was compact and bite-size, fitting in just one TV screen shot.

‘All right,' I whispered into the darkness. ‘We'll try and squeeze it in.'

‘Good. You'll love it. I promise you will.'

A few minutes went by. There was a splash in the outdoor pool. A door slammed. ‘Stella?' My voice sounded pitted, small. ‘Aren't you angry at Samantha? She could have said goodbye. I don't think that was very nice of her. Surely she was meaner to you than I was to her, right?'

No answer.

I turned on my back and stared at the ceiling. ‘But maybe I am mean, sometimes.' And then, even quieter: ‘Once, when my father was getting those treatments in the hospital, he sort of lost it in the hall. It was…embarrassing, I guess. Everyone was looking. And I shoved him.'

I glanced over at her. Still nothing. ‘I never talked to him about it, either,' I whispered. ‘I never said I was sorry. But I didn't do it to be cruel. I just didn't know what else to do. I just felt…he's my
father
.' I closed my eyes. My cheeks felt hot. ‘He's supposed to…he should…I'm his
kid
.'

Stella let out a snore. I opened my eyes, very aware of my surroundings. The room looked the same as before that had spilled out of my mouth.

I walked to the window, pulled up the shades, and then clutched both sides of my head. The rattling of the A/C penetrated my bones. I wanted someone to recognize this moment with me. To tell me that I was right-he
was
my father, and I was his daughter. These roles usually had different responsibilities and expectations. That I wasn't a terrible person to think this, and no one would condemn me for saying it out loud.

I turned off the air conditioner, found my key card and slid out of the room. The paisley hallway carpet smelled overly deodorized, like the staff were trying to mask something. In the lobby, I made a left and went through the revolving front door. A group of Mennonites stood around a long, white van. One squatted down, checking out the front tire.

I watched them for a little while, leaning against a small green bench. We'd had a whole unit about genetically closed communities like the Mennonites and Amish in one of my college classes. Because of inbreeding, so many Amish children were born with incredibly rare diseases that didn't exist anywhere else in the population. But instead of understanding that their own restrictions and bodies had done this, they simply said it was God's master plan. I realized, though: my old belief in DNA-that it immutably set your course for life, that you were only the sum of its parts-wasn't really that different. A master plan was a master plan, after all-it hardly mattered who or what was behind it.