All the Gates of Hell (5 page)

"Why do you sound like me? I don't mean the voice, I mean the mannerism and slang. Seems out of place for a goddess."

"I'm speaking in my normal voice, Jin. I have no idea how you're hearing it, though I'd guess in a form and manner that you understand. Ask me something that matters."

"This is the Gateway to all the Hells, yes?"

"Yes."

"Then why does one of them lead directly to Medias?"

"Unless you're dumber than I think you are, you already know the answer."

"I was born...I live..." Jin couldn't quite finish.

"Scary, huh? It should be, but don't feel alone. On this side of Enlightenment, everyone lives in one Hell or another. There are places you'd consider Heaven, compared to Medias, that are no less a Hell than the deepest pit of all, and the people who dwell there are born and die and are reborn there just as the people in any of the other hells. Rewards can trap as surely as punishments. The trick is to learn the lesson you need to learn and move on."

"That's where I come in?"

"That's where you come in."

"But I don't know what to do! Dammit, I need help!"

The image reached out her golden hands and patted the heads of her two attendants, the young girl and the youth. "I thought of that. Do you know who these are?"

"Ummm, Guan Yin's attendants. Dragon Maiden and... Virtuous Youth? Yeah, that was it. I read about them."

"They followed you into this world. Now that you're awakening, they'll find you."

"How will I know them?"

"They'll know you. That's the important thing."

There was another shiver in the dream. The two guardian statues looked worried. "It's time to go," they said together, and Jin heard the image of Guan Yin sigh again.

"I wish we had more time."

"You and me both. One last question: if everything is illusory, where do dreams fit in?"

"Some illusions are more real than others. Later, luv."

Jin woke up. First she was standing in the cavern at the Gateway to All the Hells, then she was sitting up in bed, trying to focus as the clock radio buzzed in her ears. It was a moment before she could shut the thing off. She yawned hugely, and checked the time. It was 7 AM, right on schedule.

If I'd known I'd be taking a dream trip I'd have shut the silly thing off
.

There wasn't anything she could do about that now, and a new day was starting with or without her. Little by little the waking day claimed Jin until she was showered, dressed, and nibbling toast at her kitchen table, in a small space cleared from all the books. That doesn't mean she'd let the dream slip away from her; she held onto every detail she could remember, and that was most of them. She still wondered how much of it was real, but the arrival of her promised assistants would be proof enough. If they arrived. Jin wasn't holding her breath.

Jin glanced at the clock again. She had a little time left before she had to leave, and she was almost certain that her mother had taken her laptop along on her latest assault on the forces of oppression and greed. Jin booted her own laptop and sent an email.

SUBJECT: GUESS WHAT?

Dear Mom:

I'm fine, and hope you are too. Give my best to the Forces of Darkness as you kick their hinies and what's this about a boyfriend? I want details. BTW, I've just learned that I'm the mortal incarnation of the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy, Guan Yin. Ain't that a stitch?

Love,

Jin

(())

Chapter 4

The following morning Jin found this email waiting for her at breakfast:

SUBJECT: SAY WHAT?

Dear Lotus Blossom:

Remember when you thought you were Death? You got over it, and I'm sure this will pass too. Preferably before the real Guan Yin finds out. Wouldn't want a goddess pissed at me! :)

The Forces of Darkness send their regards. They're fine. They're also kicking me out of the country in a day or two so I'll see you before long. I've told Jonathan all about my lovely daughter with the identity issues and he's looking forward to meeting you. Be nice to him or I'll pull out your naked baby pictures.

Love,

Mom.

Jin blinked. Who the heck was Jonathan? Then she remembered--the new boyfriend. Jin shrugged. No doubt her mother's latest conquest, one more in a string of serial relationships that made Jin's own love life look cloistered by comparison. Which Jin admitted, was more or less the truth; Jin might as well have been a nun for all the difference it had made so far. Her lack of interest had quashed several promising friendships; Jeff was merely the latest. She shrugged. It wasn't something to worry about right then.

She could worry about other things, however. Jin decided that, when the time came, she would be nice as nice could be to her mother's new flame -- Jin knew her mother wasn't bluffing about the baby pictures.

While her mother's mention of Jonathan might be a mystery, the reference to Jin thinking she was Death wasn't. Jin had almost forgotten about it. Kissing Jeff had shook the memory a little but her mother's email finally jarred it loose. She flashed back on the little girl in the corridor, and finally understood why she had thought this incredible thing, this
vanishing
had happened before. It
had
happened before.

Jin was twelve. Her old ginger tabby, Missus Tickles, had crawled into Jin's lap while Jin was trying to do homework. Nothing unusual there; it is the role of a cat to demand affection at inconvenient times. Only this time Missus Tickles didn't head butt Jin's face or hands or any of her normal "drop whatever silly thing you're doing and pet me
now
" signals. Instead she just climbed into Jin's lap and sat there looking, so far as Jin could tell, confused.

Despite Missus Tickles making no demands, Jin had reached down to stroke her, absently, while pondering an algebra problem. In that precise instant something strange had happened. Jin had a very clear vision. It seemed that Jin
was
Missus Tickles, or at least a much younger and slimmer version, stalking prey through tall grass. And she wasn't alone -- an older female cat was close to her left shoulder. She realized that it was Missus Tickles's mother, or rather
her
mother. It was all very strange, but it wasn't vague or hazy or even the least bit dream-like. It was real, or at least felt and looked that way. She saw the prey, a field mouse, grooming its whiskers just outside the entrance to its nest. Jin knew the time had come to pounce and she did so, without thinking twice about it, or whether it was proper for her to be a cat then and do what a cat was supposed to do. She simply pounced, and she missed. The mouse skittered away, and that was that. It got away. Which made Jin/Missus Tickles very sad.

As quickly as it came, the vision was over. Jin wasn't Missus Tickles anymore, but she remembered everything and, for some reason that she pondered for a long time, she still didn't think anything particularly odd had just happened. Jin just blinked, and looked down at the cat, who was still staring off into space. She scratched behind its ears.

SILLY OLD THING. IT'S NOTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT. I BET YOUR MOTHER MISSED LOTS OF MICE IN HER TIME.

Missus Tickles looked at her. That was all. Then she curled up in Jin's lap and died. At least, that's what Jin assumed happened at the time, but there was more to it even then. Despite having the weight of Missus Tickles on her lap, Jin had a distinct feeling of, well, there was no better say this:
absence
. Missus Tickles was gone, just as, in the corridor, Rebecca was gone, even before her body went away. The cat's body likewise vanished; it simply faded away while she was looking right at it.

Jin told her mother what had happened later, and of course her mother told her that she was imagining things, including the cat. There was no cat and had never been a cat. Jin had insisted that there
had
so
been a cat and thought her mother was playing a cruel trick on her, but that wasn't it. Turned out there was no sign of a cat at all. No cat bed, no cat food in its usual place in the kitchen cupboard; even the photograph of Missus Tickles that Jin kept on her dresser was gone. It was as if Jin had, truly, never had a cat, and she herself was the only one who knew better.

Just to be safe, Jin never got another cat, or any other pet. It was also five years or more before she could bring herself to touch another animal. Even a hug from her mom would terrify her, afraid that her mother, too, was going to disappear and her remaining relatives would come to her and say, Oh, no, you never had a mother, silly girl.

Jin realized now that this was exactly what she had done to Missus Tickles and that, when the cat disappeared, it was no different from the time she'd sent the little girl in the corridor out of Hell.

This is Hell
.

Rather, she reminded herself quickly, Medias was "a" hell, one of many. Which, Jin was forced to admit, explained one awful heck of a lot.

Jin finished her toast and grabbed her purse. One thing she was certain of was that being a
bodhisattva
wasn't going to pay the bills. Jin wondered ruefully if that was one reason the job was usually done by someone of other than the mortal persuasion.

Elysium Fields Avenue was quiet as usual for that time of the morning. One or two stores were preparing for business but she didn't meet anyone on the street until after she'd stopped at Juney's Café for usual morning coffee. By then there were a few more people on the sidewalk, most coming from the commuter lot between Juney's and Resolution Park as the office workers came in from the suburbs of Medias. There was a young man in a black leather jacket standing at the corner. Jin thought he looked familiar and then remembered the man standing near Teacher Johnson the day before. Was it the same one? She tried to get a better look but he was gone now; Jin didn't see where he went. She shrugged and continued walking along the old brick wall lining the park to her left. When she passed the wrought iron gates that marked the entrance to the part someone spoke to her.

"Where do you think you're going?"

It was Teacher, on the other side of the gate, his hands gripping the bars as if he were in jail. Jin sighed, and stopped.

"To work, Teacher. Where else?"

"You're suffering under the delusion that your work resides in a single place on Pepper Street."

"Funny about that, considering they're the ones who pay me."

Teacher just looked a little forlorn. "You know that's not your real job and you go anyway."

"Well, I thought of following your example and exploring the homeless option, but frankly I like hot baths too much."

Teacher crossed his arms. "You're not looking at the big picture, Jin. This body of yours is a temporary inconvenience; frankly, the sooner you shed it, the better."

"I thought you'd say something like that. Teacher, did it ever occur to you that maybe
you
aren't looking at the big picture?"

Jin told him about the dream. "Whether The Guan Yin Who Was really came to me or not is debatable; maybe it was no more than a dream. Yet, as I recall, all you've done since you found me is complain about how irresponsible and inconsiderate it was for Guan Yin to incarnate without warning. Are those qualities you normally associate with Guan Yin?"

Teacher actually looked startled. "Well...no."

"So
maybe
you should consider the possibility that her warning to me was real and that she had a very good reason for incarnating as a mortal with no memory of her divine nature. I don't know what that reason is, but I do know she did not do it on a whim. Now, then -- until we know what that reason is, does it really make sense to talk so casually about this 'temporary inconvenience' that is my life?"

Teacher looked impressed. "That's actually a good point. I need to think about this."

"You do that. Right now answer a question: if I free someone from Medias, what happens to them?"

"Same as any other hell -- they go back on the wheel of life and death. They're reborn. Just not here. 'Where' depends on what lesson they've yet to learn."

"Suppose there are no more lessons?"

"Then they become Enlightened and escape the Wheel of Life and Death and move on to Transcendence. If they choose to remain behind, they become
Bodhisattvas
, like yourself."

"They just disappear from Medias? Poof? Gone?"

Teacher shrugged. "Pretty much."

"If Medias is a Hell, is there any place where people live that isn't a Hell?"

He sighed. "You do realize how ridiculous it is for the King of the First Hell to lecture Guan Yin on the nature of the cosmos?"

"Not as ridiculous as keeping Guan Yin ignorant," Jin replied affably.

"Fine, then -- there are six known states of being outside transcendence: humans, animals, ghosts, gods, jealous gods, and hell-beings. All six are trapped in
Samsara
, the cycle of Death and Rebirth. Even the demons, even the gods. The place where a god dwells is called a heaven, but it's really just another kind of hell. Humans are special only because they have the potential for self awareness
and
go through the cycle very frequently and thus, at least potentially, advance faster. It's tough for a ghost or a god to achieve enlightenment and even harder for a demon. Yet enlightenment does happen."

Jin didn't say anything for a while. She finally sighed. "Teacher, I'm late for work."

"Fulfill your materialist obligations if you must -- or can -- but don't forget what I told you about your Third Eye. Those whispers you've been hearing before now were just the beginning. You're going to start seeing things too as your Third Eye begins to open and you learn to control it. So try not to panic and assume your demon form every time you see something scary. Tends to frighten the natives."

"I'll do my best," Jin said. She turned to leave, then hesitated. "What did you mean, 'can'? Teacher?"