All That Lies Within (9 page)

“This is ridiculous.” Cynthia certainly wasn’t having any sexual dysfunction over the break up. Rebecca was certain of that. The woman had no conscience. “What did I ever see in you?” Rebecca wondered aloud.

She knew the answer. Cynthia was sleek, and confident, and very, very persuasive. She had the ability to make any woman think she was the center of the universe…until she got bored or got everything she thought she could get out of the relationship.

Rebecca finished her shower, toweled herself off on the bathmat, and stood looking in the mirror. Her breasts were high and firm. Her belly was flat. There was no hint of the overweight, awkward teenager she’d been, except in her head. In her head, she couldn’t shake the memories of the taunting cruelty of her peers, the very same peers who most likely were still, at this moment, laughing it up at the reunion, every bit as immature and insufferable as they had been twenty years ago.

Again, Rebecca wondered what had possessed her to come to the reunion. Then her mind flashed on the image of Sharon, head thrown back, lost in a moment of pure pleasure, and she smiled. The connection with her made the trip all worthwhile. Despite the way the night turned out, Rebecca easily could envision Sharon showing up one day in her Middlebury office, offering to take her to dinner. And it wouldn’t be the least bit uncomfortable.

Rebecca snorted. Maybe by then she’d be sufficiently recovered from the Cynthia trauma to truly enjoy herself. 

CHAPTER SIX

The arrow rested ominously on the Play button icon as Dara’s finger hovered above the track pad. She was fully dressed for day two at the hospital and had been for an hour. Several times, she’d clicked on Play and then, just as quickly, on Pause. Although she’d been up for a long time, she’d been unable to shake off the remnants of the dream. The idea of listening to more of what her mother thought she ought to know had her stomach in knots.

Dara thought about her time at the hospital yesterday. The person the nurse described was nothing like the mother she remembered. It was possible her mother’s monologue would get better. Wasn’t it? Shouldn’t she give her the benefit of the doubt?

She rubbed her damp palms on her pressed slacks. Visiting hours would be starting soon and she needed to get back to the hospital. There was no point putting it off any longer. Dara pushed Play and resigned herself to hearing her mother out.

“Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on all that.” Her mother was wracked by another coughing spasm. “It was a long time ago and there’s no use revisiting what I’m sure must be painful memories for both of us.”

The covers rustled and Dara’s mother groaned in pain.

“Yes, I suspect it might come as a surprise to you that I recognize how difficult that time must’ve been for you. I wasn’t completely unsympathetic, Dara, despite what you might think. I was simply out of my league when it came to dealing with a child. Period. And you weren’t just any child. You were bright, inquisitive, head strong, and that imagination… Well, who could keep up with it, or you? In the end, it just seemed easier to give you a wide berth than to constantly fight with you.”

Dara paused the recording, closed her eyes, and willed herself not to cry. Again. All the familiar feelings of loneliness, isolation, and abandonment, all the days and nights when she’d longed for her mother to take her in her arms and tell her she was loved and valued—every painful moment bubbled up from deep within her, threatening to swallow Dara whole.

“Enough.” She’d shed enough tears over her childhood. That time was done and gone. There was no sense mourning it at this late stage. Dara got up and poured herself a glass of water and took a big gulp before sitting back down. She could get through this. She had to. She pressed Play.

“I’m not proud of myself, Dara. I know I wasn’t the mother you needed or the mother I should have been. Every day I looked at your unhappy face that was abundantly clear. You seemed so lost, so solitary in your own world. I hated being constantly reminded just what a failure I was at this nurturing thing. Often, I wondered if you wouldn’t have been better off if I had listened to your father and put you up for adoption.”

Dara gasped as a renewed blast of pain bloomed in her chest. What kind of mother tells her daughter that she should’ve gotten rid of her when she had the chance?

“Damn it.” This time the coughing lasted for several minutes and left her mother gasping for breath
.
“There I go getting off track again. I’d blame it on all these darned medications making me dopey, but the fact is, I’m old and I get distracted easily.” Her mother cleared her throat. “On with it, then. I didn’t decide to make this tape to justify myself to you. There are things I want you to know. Things you should know.”

Dara’s heartbeat accelerated. She wasn’t at all sure she could take any more of her mother’s revelations.

“I’m very proud of you, Dara.”

“What?” 

“There. I said it. I know I can’t take any credit for the woman you’ve become, but I want you to know that I burst a button every time I read about something you’ve done, whether it’s using your fame to raise money for charity, or conducting yourself in an interview. You have such grace and poise. I know that’s not just your acting, either. I know you well enough to know the genuine you when I see it. Of course, I’ve seen all of your movies. You really are quite good. In a way, you remind me of a young Kate Hepburn.”

Dara nearly choked. Katherine Hepburn was her mother’s favorite actress. How many times had she sat with her mother watching Hepburn and Spencer Tracy or Hepburn and Bogie? It was the closest she and her mother ever came to bonding. Those were the moments when she first decided she wanted to act. She’d watched as her mother sat riveted to the screen and wanted nothing more than to command that kind of attention and evoke those types of emotions. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, there were moments in the middle of one of her movie premieres when Dara secretly wished her mother was in a theater somewhere watching with that same expression she remembered seeing as a little girl.

The sound of her mother’s coughing and gurgling brought Dara back to the present.

“I’d better wrap this up while I still have the breath to talk. I want you to know that I regret things turned out the way they did between us. I’m sorry that you couldn’t see your way clear to come home once in a while after you left for college. I’m not blaming you. I just wish it could’ve been different. I know that I’m as much to blame as your father for you thinking you needed to stay away. In case you’re wondering, he passed away eight years ago. But maybe you knew that. I tried to find you to tell you. I even contacted that friend of yours, Carrie. But… Well, I guess you didn’t want to be found.”

Dara turned her head to look out the window. This day looked very much like the day she learned her father had passed away. Dara had been on her way out to an audition, when Carolyn unexpectedly showed up at her door. Carolyn wanted to tell her the news in person. They sat down on the front stoop of Dara’s small townhouse in Burbank and talked. Carolyn didn’t pressure her to go home for the funeral, a fact for which Dara was very grateful. She hadn’t shed any tears for the man who never treated her as more than an inconvenience and a tax deduction.

In the end, she went to the audition, channeled her churning emotions into the scene, and got the part in her first major movie. After that, she’d never looked back. But now the past beckoned.

“If you’re listening to my ramblings, it must mean I’m at the end of my rope. I’m sorry to burden you with me at this late stage, but as you know, there’s no one else. So I’m going to try to make this as easy as possible for you. If I’m unable to speak for myself, to hold a conversation, to live with dignity…  Well then, I hope you’ll be kind and compassionate, even if you don’t think I deserve those things, and end my suffering. The young woman I’ve witnessed you to be in those instances when I’ve been able to catch glimpses of you here and there, leads me to believe you’re a bigger human being than I ever was. I’m sure I’m in good hands.”

 Dara didn’t want to care. She didn’t want to feel grief or despair or anything at all for this virtual stranger who’d given birth to her. But she did. She put her hand to her chest where her heart ached. “Oh, Mother.”

“I don’t know if you can, but I hope you’ll find it in your heart in the end to forgive me all my shortcomings. Please know, Dara, that in my own way, I loved you very much. I always did. I’m sorry I wasn’t very good at it and I’m sure it’s cold consolation to you now, but it’s the truth. I’ve lived the past eight years all by myself, but somehow I was never bothered about being alone until now. Now, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll die all alone and no one will care.”

Dara covered her mouth as a sob escaped. This woman she knew so little sounded so small, frail, and frightened. All Dara wanted to do was to bring her comfort.

“I-I just wanted to be sure that the last words you ever hear from me are these: I love you, Dara. I’m proud of you. I’m so proud to be your mother, even if I never deserved you. I hope you’ll forgive me and I hope you’ll go on to be the greatest actress of your generation. But more than that, I hope you’ll find lasting happiness and love. You deserve all that and more. Goodbye, Dara. I love you.”

Tears streamed down Dara’s cheeks as she listened to her mother weakly call for the nurse to show her how to stop recording. She clicked out of the program and shut down the laptop.

“Goodbye, Mother.”

The movie theater was packed, despite the fact that it was a matinee. Rebecca found herself a seat on the aisle and dug into the popcorn bag. Since her flight home wasn’t scheduled to depart until that evening, she decided to take in
Rock Me Gently
.

Dara Thomas’s face and lithe body filled the screen. She was wearing a body-hugging leather ensemble, her hair flying wildly around her face as she paced a concert stage in stiletto-heeled boots. Rebecca silently sighed. This would be a most pleasant distraction before her flight.

She wondered if Dara actually was doing the singing or if she was being voice-dubbed.
If she’s faking that, she’s an even better actress than I gave her credit for.
Watching Dara play a self-indulgent, hyper-exposed, but vulnerable rock star, Rebecca flashed back to Sharon’s dismissive inference that being an actress would be a waste of intelligence. Here was a Yale graduate on screen—the antithesis of an airhead, and watching her bring this character to life reinforced Rebecca’s belief that it required plenty of mental acuity to play a role that she imagined must be so different from the actress’s reality. Rebecca happily lost herself in the performance. Catching this movie might prove to be the best part of her trip.  

“Are you on your way to the hospital?”

“Yes.” Using her shoulder, Dara held the phone against her ear as she put in her earring. She hoped Carolyn couldn’t hear how relieved she was to hear from her.

“Don’t come downstairs.”

“Why not?”

“Because there’s a pack of paparazzi camped out in the lobby.”

“Do I want to know how you know that? Please tell me you’re not here.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want to hear.”

Dara sighed. “You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here. I’m your best friend. Where else would I be?”

“I can think of dozens of places. I have to get to the hospital, Car. What do you suggest?”

“I’m working on alternative exits right now.” Dara could tell by Carolyn’s breathing that she was on the move. “Looks like you could take the elevator to the second floor. There are some ballrooms there. The hotel staff services them from the back via a service elevator from the basement kitchen. Looks relatively quiet, but it probably won’t be for long. Most conferences start at 8:30 or 9 a.m.”

“That gives us about a ten-minute window.”

“Exactly. Are you all dressed and ready to go?”

Dara spared one more look in the mirror. Even with her makeup expertly applied, she could see the dark smudges under her eyes and the telltale signs of stress. She knew Carolyn would spot them too. “As ready as I’m going to get.”